Dear Anita,

First I must apologise for what I said about how you sound like my wife. It came across a bit mean when I didnt really intend to. I think I got a bit overcome by the Messiah complex.
I’ve been a bit stressed since seeing my therapist, being given all these labels. My BP has gone right up and my GP is getting me to do a raft of tests and scans to eliminate any other physical reasons for my high BP. He put me on medication to lower it, which has a whole raft of side effects itself. It got as high as 150 over 110!.

“knowledge is power“- I think that at times, in some contexts, denial is power.

I think of knowledge as unbiased facts as things are right now. However knowledge has no quantity or quality.
That’s why they say “A little knowledge can be a dangerous thing” because if you think the knowledge you have is all there is, things can end up going bad. “You don’t know, what you don’t know”.
Denial can put a quantity value on knowledge, there could be more knowledge(accomplishing the impossible).
It can also be qualitative, the knowledge could be declared not true(too scary to endure). This is when knowledge stops being factual and becomes lies, untruths. Trump likes to play around with this. Flat earthers etc. “I’ll believe it when I see it”

I think everyone has a world view based on their nature(the qualities we are born with) and nurture(upbringing, education, experiences).
I think if people have bad nurturing in life, and their nature means they can’t make sense of their nurturing ,they will have a low resolution, granular black and white view of the world. My father was like this, we haven’t spoken for 20 years. I remember having a dream yelling at him “Shades of grey, Shades of grey!, things aren’t just black and white!”
Whereas if you are the other way you have a more colourful high resolution world view. You are more aware and accepting of its complexities both known and unknown.

I’ve always had this desire to explore the universe to the fullest extent I can get out of it. Just like I have always felt all the bad things that have happened to me aren’t the be all and end all. I always had this seemingly unlimited wellspring of hope coming from somewhere unknown. Maybe its my physical and psychological arrested development that has blocked the sense of despair and hopelessness that others seem to be afflicted by. The whole power/greed dynamic.

dogs hearing is way more developed than humans, could it be that he heard a change in your breathing as you woke up?

Maybe he was extra observant, the other dogs we’ve had never acted like this.

I’ve always been good with wildlife, I can pick up non venomous reptiles and show them to others, pickup injured birds or other small animals.
One time someone gave us a large wild parrot with a broken leg, we put it in a cage and fed it for three months while it stood on one leg, then one day it lowered its healed leg. After that it would follow me around like a puppy.
People at work always get me to come and rescue some animals that has got itself stuck in a sticky situation.

Of eriksons first 7 stages I am pretty much the same as you. The last line of the forward of that link says
“These stages, however, can be resolved successfully at a later time.”
This is what I think we have both been doing to varying degrees of success, playing catch up to be ready to enter the 8th stage. Accepting how life’s journey played out, all the good and bad, with or without regrets.
Although I do agree that the age boundaries Erik places are a bit strict.

It’s been slow in the forums recently, but this is a place where you can try to help others by replying to other members who ask for help..?

Maybe, life’s been a bit intense recently.

Klast

Dear anita,

Not that I recommend drinking alcohol

I don’t touch alcohol much, because it will make the brain fog side effect, of my duty of care medication, even stronger. There is a warning sticker on my medication that talks about being cautious when operating machinery. I drive a forklift every day at work. I know how strong the fog is because the couple of times I missed a dose, I had a minor headache but my thoughts were much clearer and stronger than normal. I feel like I am being chemically restrained from fully engaging in life, by a society that is fearful of the effects of my brain damage. Even if I change to another similar drug, my drivers license would be taken away until the docs thought I was “safe”, which could end up being never.
After my BC surgery, my medical team was legally supposed to have had my license suspended. Fortunately for me, they knew how hard it would be to get it back. So they trusted me not to drive, and didn’t notify the transport department.  Something I am really thankful for. My current GP said that it was a massive breach of duty of care on their part, and they shouldn’t have done it.

When I heard the PT, I almost panicked, as in: what if I will always hear that?

I got over that feeling when I started regularly diaphragmatic breathing, Its sort of like floaters in your eyes, you look through them 99% of the time. Now I only notice my mild PT when things are quiet, and I write it off to ‘just another brain damage side effect’

Daoist saying: ‘When you are ‘sick’, do not seek a cure. Find your centre..  and you will be healed.“

Finding my centre is how I have got myself 4 years ahead of the BC reoccurance curve.

I noticed that my attention and learning abilities improve when I tap into the BHC-Energy.

I visualise BHC like a universe wide cosmic 5th dimension that we are all connected to, like the force in starwars. Also known as the Unified Field at the fringes of scientific understanding.
“Unified Field and the Quantum Field are seen as a way to connect with the underlying oneness of the universe. Practitioners may visualize these fields as vast, interconnected webs of energy that underlie all physical reality.”
Supposedly animals tap into this directly, humans used to be able to (third eye/pineal gland/intuition) but we’ve pretty much lost it due to becoming obsessed with technology and ‘stuff’.

Our chats have helped me to ground myself. Helped me gather my thoughts for my next therapist session.

Klast

Dear anita,

Some needed connections between brain cells/ neuropathways were not made.

In my brain scan I have two black holes, one where the tumour was and one where the epilepsy was. When I had the epilepsy cured I thought I was fully back on track to live a “normal” life. Seizure free, medication free and I had just had laser vision correction to be free of wearing glasses. I got my 1st job, got my drivers license, met my current wife etc. I never really comprehended that my invisible disability was still there, still sabotaging me, just not in ways that really mattered. I spent 20 years believing this….then BC came along……..

I was ..unhappy, to put it mildly).

I became numb after my similar experiences, especially when any intensely sad family event happened(death of pets, close relatives). I would just stand there being numbly stoic. I just thought I was all ‘cried out’ from my own traumas.

We are those baby sea turtles that get injured on the way to the ocean. Once we get there we cant deep dive with the others very well. We mainly hang around just below the surface.

…..severely down on my luck due to ‘fate’. Now I have a chance to get myself unstuck and try to move on.

Don’t get me wrong, fate isn’t completely absolved. It still was the root cause of my seed trauma(prolonged febrile convulsion), and choosing neglectful/abusive parents for me. But realising this and understanding the overall effect on my life is a big relief. A bit like when I got BC, part of me was so relieved it wasn’t my old enemy epilepsy back for revenge. BC had worse odds, but was something different.
I remember looking through the glass wall from my bed in ED, at the nurses station monitor. It had a brain scan on it with a white blob, I instantly knew it was mine. Then I started seizing and was flown by air ambulance to the nearest capital city.

I would fit the CPTSD diagnosis, if it was available in the U.S., where I live.. and if there was a reason for me to pursue it

Yes, I have read about how the US health system is run by the insurance companies. They aren’t keen on having new diagnoses added to the DSM.
Where I live, the CPTSD label has no real effect on my life, unless I can convince a psychologist, to convince the government/insurance, that it has stopped/severely reduced my ability to do “my normal occupation”. How vague is that, especially when I have never had a “normal occupation”.
And these days health insurance companies run a mile if you have any sort of mental health label. That is why people won’t get their genetics tested because the gov/insurance will ping them for it.

the labels can be helpful in that a person feels no longer alone

That’s the irony, all through the first 30 years or so of my life, I never met someone with any sort of epilepsy. Let alone someone with an invisible disability like Arrested Psychological Development. I was constantly alone.

And yes, I am way, way better than I used to be.

Me too. Now I am going to do some intense research on how to deal with APD in adults.

Kind regards,

Klast

That’s OK, u seem to be busy on this forum. I’m in no rush

Klast

Dear Anita

I am mentioning this because a belief in (bad) fate/ destiny prevents healing and progress that are possible for a person.

Definitely not me. At the risk of offending any lurkers:

What is heaven? The ultimate carrot

What is hell? The ultimate stick

What is god? The ultimate self responsibility avoidance

All the religions and existential ideologies are just attempts at trying to explain what we cant comprehend.
Religion shuts down free and critical thinking and exploration of all possible options. Like eating takeaway food instead of cooking your own.
“If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent Him” – Voltaire

As you know, there are plenty of people who are appear physically healthy/ intacta, with plenty of money who are miserable.

For the western hemisphere there is a peak in the happiness/wealth bell curve. Not enough wealth to cover the basics of life and life goals/desires creates misery. Too much creates paranoia about managing it and who is only after your wealth. The end result of paranoia is loneliness.
Plus it’s all about connections and networks, mine have been weak my whole life due to development/brain issues my whole life.

I experienced much healing (intentional healing) from 2.5 decades-long Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).

I have been through all the depersonalisation, derealisation and dissociation.
-Depersonalisation when I felt like my past childhood memories etc, weren’t mine. Like I was some sort of imposter (syndrome?).
-Derealisation when I felt like I was staring into the infinite abyss of nothingness, where the edge I was standing on was crumbling away. I reckon if my super supportive wife hadn’t been there for me to physically hold onto I would have had a full break.
-Dissociation for most of my life. Feeling different to everyone else. I remember wishing aliens would arrive to wake society out of its power/greed obsession.

I have to accept TS, ADD and learning disabilities as parts of my life, and I am glad that I had the courage to change the OCD part.

I have always accepted my deficiencies because they have been there in different forms my whole life. It is only just recently that I have been throwing a tantrum about it all, triggered by my emotional development restarting. Which was triggered by reaching an age of feeling like doors were finally closing on me. I have been doing everything I can to encourage neuroplasticity and neurogenesis. However I feel that is now no longer as effective due to the natural mental declination of the aging process.

It is only lately, in my later years, following years of intentional healing, that I feel like a child (when interacting/ connecting with people): a new feeling to me, a joyful feeling!

I have this experience but so far its not in a joyful way, I get mocked or treated with disdain, mostly at work. If I wasn’t constantly being triggered at work, and feeling obligated to work to cover living costs, I would be happier.

My aphasia has gotten much better over time. After BC surgery I could barely string a sentence together. Then I went through a stage of not fully sounding out my syllables. Then swapping syllables and words around in a sentence. These days you wont get anymore than a couple of sentences out of me, anything more and I start tripping over the words as I line them up and try to spit them out. It gets worse if I am stressed or tired.

At the start of my radiation treatment, intuition made me look through the paperwork. I couldn’t believe it when I stumbled upon the fact that they were going to radiate the wrong side of my head(classic MRI scan misinterpretation). It took them 4 hours to correct the error that day before beginning. I could have ended up a vegetable in a wheelchair or worse.

Kind regards,

Klast

Hi Anita

“Do you believe that these (and other) unfortunate events were planned and executed by a supernatural power/ a god?”

I don’t believe in any sort of interventionist deity.
I am just well aware that there is more going on out there than we humans can possibly understand or comprehend. Intuition, the feeling of being watched, close relatives instantly knowing something has happened to the other even on the other side of the world, twins etc
I am more of an agnostic, who doesn’t need a convenient explanation of the unknown. I am quite happy for the big picture to stay a mystery. Humanity will work it all out eventually, like how quantum physics and spirituality are similar. Like twins and superposition.
I’ve always though of fate as part of this mysterious unknown. I assumed that if fate was connected to a god/deity, people would directly refer to this god/deity as the cause.

“All the sea turtles had about the same built in ability and potential.”

All my life until now, I have believed this, I would rationalise to myself “If the universe is a zero sum game, I am just balancing out someone else’s extremely good luck”. However, now that I only have a decade or so before retirement, the chance for any quality of life changing change is almost zero.

“The usefulness of my potential is all gone now“- in some areas, I imagine, not in other areas.

As mentioned above, I am in the sunset years of my working life. I know I have lots of potential in other areas, just not in areas that would improve my quality of life. I would be a good writer etc. I might have been able to help others with similar traumas( I had a really tough childhood as well) but my expressive aphasia, like bruce willis has, counts me out. My brain tumour was right next to the brocas speech area, so I can have what I want to say lined up in my mind but vocalising it, making myself heard is really difficult for me.

I’ve known about the serenity prayer for ages. I just thought it never applied to me, until now, now that I feel that I have run out of options.

Trauma Regression
When a child is subjected to some form of emotionally damaging trauma, their emotional development stops. The wound never heals because they are too young at the time and don’t have the tools to work through it. The healing wont restart until a level of self awareness is reached, for some this never happens.

I know that this discussion is the continuation of my general emotional development that has been frozen since I suffered abuse(s) as a child. I have been using my intelligent abstract brain to compartmentalise and push away any attempts to restart it, until now.

Thanks for your input.
Klast