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Thank you so much for checking in. I’m pretty miserable due to stress (try as I might I I can’t get it under control) and a fairly new addition – perimenopause. I’ve been in perimenopause for about 3 years but a couple of months ago I started to get terrible lower back aches, full body aches and more headaches. My mood is all over the place and some days I just cry of & on all day. I’ve done a bunch or research and are trying a number things to feel better, but i’m not noticing a change and the pain is really inferring with my already pretty low quality of life. Which leads to more stress, which makes the pain worse. I was supposed to go to a family party yesterday but hurt so bad, felt reeally angry and couldn’t stop crying, so I didn’t go. Then I felt really guilty. I don’t feel like I have a support system to lean on because my husband and parents are sick of hearing me complain and don’t know how to help me. My biggest support is my 12 year old son, but I don’t want to burden him, or my friends. I have a good day here and there, but certainly not enough. I’m suffered my whole life in one way or another and it’s only getting worse. Sorry for the long post, thank you for the opportunity to get these feelings out.
Thank you for reaching out to me again. My parents have been retired for quite a few years and are having the time of their lives. For the most part, my Mother’s anxiety is a thing of the past, as is my father’s negativity. FI’m still holding onto it. And now they are calling me out on my negativity, not realizing they instilled it in me in the first place. My Dad and I were eating lunch one day and he suddenly said “Everything that comes out of your mouth is negative.” When I mentioned to my Mom that that bothered me, she said she agreed. I felt betrayed and angry for a couple of weeks until I wrote about it and finally let it go. I get it, they’re trying to make me aware of how negative I am, but I don’t respond well to “tough love”. There are many reasons for my negativity – not only is it ingrained I’m me, but I’m unhappy at work. Every job I have ends up that way, because I’m easily stressed (and push myself very hard) and just plain don’t want to work. I’ve slways had this silly vision of myself as a 50s housewife and feel bitter that we have to be a 2-incone household. I feel sick from stress much of the time (headaches, body aches, stomach issues, etc). A few years back I quit my job and took 2 months off. It was the happiest & healthiest I’ve felt since my maternity leave. I resent that my parents are so happy & carefree, because I want it so badly for me, too. Don’t get me wrong, they worked hard for many years and absolutely deserve to enjoy this time. I had a friend ask me the other day what I for fun and I couldn’t think of a thing. When I’m not working, I spend my time decompressing and resting (because I feel so badly), cleaning the house and spending time with my son (don’t get me wrong, I enjoy that, but it’s hard because I often feel ill. I spend all weekend trying the calm down from the week, then Monday comes and the battle begins again.
You said “So I am guessing that an introverted empath needs to be around quieter, gentler, joyful people and a slower more natural lifestyle to help them flourish?” I feel that you are perfectly describing what I crave.
I love my home, but when I’m there, I think of all of the things I “need” to get done. I have OCD so I have a big list of things that I want to organize (unless I complete them, they float around my head endlessly). I love my parent’s home, but I have a big family and there’s lots of stimulation. In my work, I’m either too busy or bored. Lately I haven’t have enough to keep me busy, which gives me time to think “I should be able to find a project, I wish I was home getting things done, etc” Spending time with friends is tough, because it always seems to revolve around food and I have Hystamine intolerance. It’s very difficult to eat correctly away from home. It tends to spike my anxiety – “How am I going to feel?” There is really only one place that brings me peace –
My Mother-in-law lives in a little cottage by the lake. Visiting her is one of my favorite things to do – she’s very calm and loving and loves to laugh. her sun porch and backyard bring such peace to me, I feel like I’m away from it all. It’s hard to leave. In a way I feel like I’m driving away from heaven, back into hell (the real world). That may sound dramatic, but it’s how I feel.
You are spot on about learning to worry about about health issues from a parent. I don’t blame myself for their anxiety, nor do I blame them. Unfortunately, I’m doing the same thing with my son. I’m aware of it and I try to keep it in control, but I fear I’ve instilled it in a him. He has different triggers than I do, and he’s not nearly as anxious as I, but I see it. 🙁August 19, 2021 at 12:29 pm in reply to: Anxiety and Depression are Killing me Slowly and Painfully #385018
Thank you so much for your kind and supportive response. I plan to ask my husband to read the second half of your post to me while I have my eyes closed so I can try as you suggest.
Thank you for your kind thoughts Anita and Therlie. You were both helpful! Kodi <3
I’m sorry, my posts are confusing because I’m confused. Bottom line is I need to make a decision that is right for me (mentally, physically & emotionally), financially for my family AND for my husband’s well being. I’m putting so much pressure on myself to figure out a scenario where we’re all happy and less stressed. If I stay in my current job, I’m an emotional wreck but I spare my husband and we are good financially. If I quit my job, it’s quite possible that it would put a lot of stress on my husband and therefore me. I feel like I’m swinging on a pendulum between anxiety & depression and no matter what I do (meditation, yoga, tapping, etc) I can’t shut my mind off. I’m driving myself crazy and something has to give.
At this point I don’t think I can adopt that mindset. Every time I try to ‘let it go’ and decide to stay or another job opportunity doesn’t work out I’m okay for a couple of days and then my mind/gut starts screaming at me that I need to get out. That I need to take time to take care of myself mentally & physically. I can’t tell if it’s my desire or intuition talking? It’s been telling me the same thing for so long. I try to let it go but it won’t let go of me. I want to follow my gut and trust that it will lead me but I don’t know where the message is coming from.
My husband and I spoke again and we both came to the conclusion that it was adding more stress on both of us to think of my quitting a job without another one lined up. So unfortunately I’m right back to the spot I’ve been in. One thing I’ve realized through this whole process is that depression and anxiety clouds my mind so much that I have a difficult time thinking clearly and hearing what my gut it trying to tell me. I feel that the answers I seek are within me but I can’t hear them so I seek answers from everyone around me. But having talked to so many of my family & friends has only made me more confused as, of course, their opinions differ. I’m afraid in trying to make things clearer in my mind all I’ve done is put up more of a barricade between me and the answers I seek. Do you have any advice on how to block out all the noise so I can hear myself think?
Thank you so much for your thoughts. My husband is in turn very loving and sensitive to my feelings. He doesn’t want me to continue to be miserable. I will talk with him again to see if arrive at the same conclusion.
Thank you, Anita. I agree with you that the anxiety would follow me wherever I work, however I don’t think being out of work long term is a possibility for us financially – which is the main reason I’ve stayed in my current job so long. I’ve been a graphic designer for 13 years and am burnt out. I also never thought my designs were very good, which fueled the anxiety and poor self-esteem. I’m interested in writing and have more confidence in my writing skills than my design skills. I’m considering the next job as an interim job while I pursue a potential career in writing. I’d actually enjoy writing about by own experiences with mental and emotional issues to help others, much like you do. I’m looking into jobs that I think would be less stressful (such as admin), where I can just do my job and go home and write on my time. Right now I don’t write much because I’m so exhausted from being anxious all day at work and being a wife and a mother. Ideally a low stress part time job would be great but I don’t know what the future will bring. Unfortunately I don’t deal well with the unknown. My Mother is a big believer in everything happening for a reason and believes that if the veil of anxiety would lift I would see clearly the opportunists in front of me. When I think back to the major decisions in my life I see that I just “knew”. Not long after I met my husband I knew I wanted to marry him. I knew I wanted a child. I knew I did not want a second child. When we were house hunting I knew which house would be right for our family. When we came across the right rescue dog for us, I knew. When I took this job 9.5 years ago I knew I wasn’t going to like it (I took it for financial reasons – I cried every day at lunch time the first week). How could it be that I was so sure of all of those things but so unsure now? I’ve been searching for that answer for a long time. I apologize for the long post.
Thank you for your advice anita. Micro and Macro makes a lot of sense. We don’t spend much money on material items or vacations; we live well within our means. However, my husband doesn’t make a lot of money and I fear that if I didn’t work it would add stress rather than taking it away. I also worry that quitting working would be giving up and letting the anxiety win. There are so many people out there working multiple jobs just to make ends meet –I can’t justify staying home just because I happen to have anxiety. As far as doing something other than graphic design, I keep hoping I’ll have an epiphany or some other opportunity will fall into my lap because I don’t have a clue what I could do that would be less anxiety producing. But I don’t think expecting an epiphany is realistic.