Forum Replies Created
August 19, 2021 at 12:29 pm in reply to: Anxiety and Depression are Killing me Slowly and Painfully #385018
Thank you so much for your kind and supportive response. I plan to ask my husband to read the second half of your post to me while I have my eyes closed so I can try as you suggest.
Thank you for your kind thoughts Anita and Therlie. You were both helpful! Kodi <3
I’m sorry, my posts are confusing because I’m confused. Bottom line is I need to make a decision that is right for me (mentally, physically & emotionally), financially for my family AND for my husband’s well being. I’m putting so much pressure on myself to figure out a scenario where we’re all happy and less stressed. If I stay in my current job, I’m an emotional wreck but I spare my husband and we are good financially. If I quit my job, it’s quite possible that it would put a lot of stress on my husband and therefore me. I feel like I’m swinging on a pendulum between anxiety & depression and no matter what I do (meditation, yoga, tapping, etc) I can’t shut my mind off. I’m driving myself crazy and something has to give.
At this point I don’t think I can adopt that mindset. Every time I try to ‘let it go’ and decide to stay or another job opportunity doesn’t work out I’m okay for a couple of days and then my mind/gut starts screaming at me that I need to get out. That I need to take time to take care of myself mentally & physically. I can’t tell if it’s my desire or intuition talking? It’s been telling me the same thing for so long. I try to let it go but it won’t let go of me. I want to follow my gut and trust that it will lead me but I don’t know where the message is coming from.
My husband and I spoke again and we both came to the conclusion that it was adding more stress on both of us to think of my quitting a job without another one lined up. So unfortunately I’m right back to the spot I’ve been in. One thing I’ve realized through this whole process is that depression and anxiety clouds my mind so much that I have a difficult time thinking clearly and hearing what my gut it trying to tell me. I feel that the answers I seek are within me but I can’t hear them so I seek answers from everyone around me. But having talked to so many of my family & friends has only made me more confused as, of course, their opinions differ. I’m afraid in trying to make things clearer in my mind all I’ve done is put up more of a barricade between me and the answers I seek. Do you have any advice on how to block out all the noise so I can hear myself think?
Thank you so much for your thoughts. My husband is in turn very loving and sensitive to my feelings. He doesn’t want me to continue to be miserable. I will talk with him again to see if arrive at the same conclusion.
Thank you, Anita. I agree with you that the anxiety would follow me wherever I work, however I don’t think being out of work long term is a possibility for us financially – which is the main reason I’ve stayed in my current job so long. I’ve been a graphic designer for 13 years and am burnt out. I also never thought my designs were very good, which fueled the anxiety and poor self-esteem. I’m interested in writing and have more confidence in my writing skills than my design skills. I’m considering the next job as an interim job while I pursue a potential career in writing. I’d actually enjoy writing about by own experiences with mental and emotional issues to help others, much like you do. I’m looking into jobs that I think would be less stressful (such as admin), where I can just do my job and go home and write on my time. Right now I don’t write much because I’m so exhausted from being anxious all day at work and being a wife and a mother. Ideally a low stress part time job would be great but I don’t know what the future will bring. Unfortunately I don’t deal well with the unknown. My Mother is a big believer in everything happening for a reason and believes that if the veil of anxiety would lift I would see clearly the opportunists in front of me. When I think back to the major decisions in my life I see that I just “knew”. Not long after I met my husband I knew I wanted to marry him. I knew I wanted a child. I knew I did not want a second child. When we were house hunting I knew which house would be right for our family. When we came across the right rescue dog for us, I knew. When I took this job 9.5 years ago I knew I wasn’t going to like it (I took it for financial reasons – I cried every day at lunch time the first week). How could it be that I was so sure of all of those things but so unsure now? I’ve been searching for that answer for a long time. I apologize for the long post.
Thank you for your advice anita. Micro and Macro makes a lot of sense. We don’t spend much money on material items or vacations; we live well within our means. However, my husband doesn’t make a lot of money and I fear that if I didn’t work it would add stress rather than taking it away. I also worry that quitting working would be giving up and letting the anxiety win. There are so many people out there working multiple jobs just to make ends meet –I can’t justify staying home just because I happen to have anxiety. As far as doing something other than graphic design, I keep hoping I’ll have an epiphany or some other opportunity will fall into my lap because I don’t have a clue what I could do that would be less anxiety producing. But I don’t think expecting an epiphany is realistic.