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I am scared of that too – I don’t know where would that lead me. I don’t know if I will be able to get m daughter’s custody or not. I am just hopeless right now.
<span>Thanks for all your input. Just to give you all a background – Our relationship wasn’t like this earlier. I come from an Indian family and used to stay connected every day like a good daughter-in-law, which was ignored, my calls were never returned, and I was told – I should keep calling till they pick up my calls. The cracks started appearing in October 2016 when my mother-in-law got mad at me when my husband (her son) questioned her about this behavior. She told me, “she feels her son is not even happy in this marriage, because he has changed so much. He doesn’t smile as much, doesn’t look like his usual self.” I was told by my own mother that I should continue to be kind to my in-laws since this is our culture. Despite my best efforts, all I have heard from them are snide remarks – why don’t you smile when you get up in the morning? A girl like you can neither be a good daughter or a daughter-in-law? I know how to sort out girls like you. Don’t get me wrong – I haven’t stayed silent – I have fought, cried, and even left the room to save my sanity. I blasted the whole family last year when they told me I should take their permission to see my parents since I am married now. I was three months pregnant then, but my husband chose to stay quiet during the whole episode. I honestly feel I don’t want my daughter to see how I get treated in this family. I was never able to forgive my husband for choosing them over me. We are together, and we live under the same roof, I think for my daughter’s sake I can continue to live like this, but I wonder what would I be teaching her.</span>
<span style=”font-family: ‘Arial’,sans-serif; color: #0e101a; background: white;”>Thanks for responding, Anita. I live in the US and she is in India but her involvement in our life is beyond me. My daughter recently turned 6 months old and I started her on solids, when I called my mother-law to speak over the weekend she got mad that I didn’t inform her about this, its an important tradition in India. After that she told me how I have changed her relationship with her son and now I am trying to keep the grandkid away. This morning, I text from her sister about being not calling the whole time she was at my mother-in-laws place and if there are any issues between me and my in-laws. There are no boundaries in this family and I am really tired. I have even stopped sharing anything with my husband because like you said – he is not part of the solution. I think we should part ways but I am really scared. I call her once every weekend but that’s not enough for her, she wants me to call her everyday and check-in. With a baby and a full time job I barley have time to sleep and when I do, I really don’t want to engage with her, she gives me anxiety. </span>
Yes, I guess you are right . Maybe he is scared of her and It’s up to me on how I want to view everything. Cry about something that won’t change or put myself out of my miseries by ignoring her. I have tried to be subservient but the more I bent the more disrespectful she became.
You can call her dominating. Honestly, if she stops talking to my my father-in-law stops talking to me automatically to.Even If I haven’t done anything. I use to find this strange but I think I got accustomed to how they behave. Like If I call my father in law he will always ask me if I have spoken to my mother-in-law or not. So many times my mother in law has told me her kids only call their father when she doesn’t take the call because they are close to her. I found that odd because I don’t think there should be a competition between parents about – who is more loved? but then I figured as long as it doesn’t affect me I am not bothered. She never wishes me on my birthdays but if I don’t call her she gets mad. Sometimes I wonder why my husband doesn’t say anything to her.
Honestly, when my mother told me she used those words, I was taken aback because in my mind I have broken my back trying to make her happy. From what she said to my mother
- I don’t call her every day to check how they are doing. They are aging and parents of the guy I am married to so it’s my responsibility to take care of them. Her statement is absolutely right – I do not call them as much as I used to. Here is a context to what led to this change: I used to call her very consistently after we got married in Jan 2016 but in October 2016 when she had a fight with my husband she said something to me that I can never forget. Call it my bad luck but I called her right after my husband, and she had a fight. I wasn’t at home at that point. When I called her I sensed her tone was different, so I asked – If everything was ok? She snapped at me and said her son has changed after getting married to me and that he had never snapped at her until that day. After that she went on to say – sometimes she wonders if he behaved that way because he is unhappy in the marriage and taking out his frustration like this. I did tell her to ask her son about this and let me know if that is the case. I took a step back after that and maintained very formal contact with her.
- Here is another example: When I was visiting her in India something happened between us, and she felt disrespected. This was at a party where she asked me to go upstairs and bring something. Since she had already sent me three times to get stuff, I asked her if she is sure there is nothing else that she needs because I didn’t have a phone on me. She said no and was absolutely normal throughout the evening. However, when we got back home, she got mad at me in front of the whole family (my father-in-law, my sister in law and my husband) because she felt disrespected with how I asked (my tone) the question in front of guests. When I apologized and told her I didn’t mean to be disrespectful all she said was “Haven’t your parents taught you anything, learn from your sister in law how to behave.” At that point, I was too exhausted to fight, but I felt hurt because honestly, I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful.
- Right at the beginning of our marriage I would tell my husband to make me speak with his parents after he was done talking to them. And I don’t think she knows, but I have heard how exactly she would speak of me at that point “ Why are you telling her to talk, she should call us on her own.” “I don’t want to talk to her. I am too tired.”
- When I got a job in 2018, I called her a zillion times, but she never answered my call or returned the request for two days, so I did the next best thing. I left her a text informing about how thrilled I am since I finally landed a job after 25 interviews she didn’t call me, but she did leave me a text saying “congratulations.” She told my mom she felt disrespected with this. I should have called her to inform her about this.
Believe me I don’t expect him to chose but it would be nice of him to tell her to stop behaving a certain way. I have been nice to her, I have been angry,Heck I have cried in front of her but nothing has changed and I feel like I am done trying to make her happy. I guess u are right, I shouldn’t hold him accountable for how his mom behaves with me.
I can’t find the link to the previous thread. She just passed that statement because I am not very emotional according to her. I asked her why did u say that and she just went silent, there was no response from her. I guess I am not very emotional and I tend to be very detached when most girls would not be. I do remember her telling me it’s very unusual that I don’t cry in certain situations which would make people tear up.