Hi Mark,

Although painful to hear, I believe you are probably right. I think I have been focused on finding a relationship for the wrong reasons for a very long time. I think when it was younger it was more focused around finding someone who would complete me, make me feel happy and whole once and for all, and as I got older, it was more centred around keeping up with what is expected of me and what those around me seem to have.

I have completed quite a few sessions of therapy, but I did not feel most of the therapists I saw were very helpful other than validating my feelings. I did have one therapist who I really found helpful and looked forward to our sessions (coincidentally I saw her while I was seeing the ex I’m writing about), but unfortunately, she left the practice abruptly and I was never able to locate her again. I am currently in the process of trying to find a new therapist.

I had another dream about this ex, and I am very upset by it. I simply can’t shake this sad feeling that I ruined our relationship with my childhood issues, that had I worked on myself more rather than criticizing him at the time, maybe we would still be together and I would be happy. I know it sounds so silly and dramatic, but I truly feel like I destroyed my one true shot at happiness, and any one else I date moving forward will not create a relationship as happy as the one I once had. I feel like as individuals, we got along so well and I loved spending time with him. I have not found that since with anyone else, and I’m worried I never will. I feel horrible that when I am with my current partner, I often imagine how much enjoyable whatever activity we are doing would have been if I was with my ex instead. I don’t know how to rid myself of these horrible thoughts that haunt me. Do you have any suggestions on how to do this?

A small update:

I had a strange dream last night involving my ex and his current partner. In my dream, I met both of them. I don’t remember why or under what context, but I remember it was actually the current partner that was very nice to me. My ex told me that he was not currently dating the girl anymore for a couple weeks, and apologized to her for some things. Then, he turned to me, and apologized for how abruptly he had left me and how he had hurt me. He then leaned in for a hug or a kiss, I’m not sure, and I recoiled. He seemed taking aback by that, and I said it wasn’t right based on everything that had happened. He then told me that he had a letter for me that he never sent before, but wished he had. I then woke up.

I’m not sure if this is helpful or means anything at all, but I thought I should share it.

Hi Mark,

I suppose you are on to something. I have not been alone/not dating someone for a very long time. However, I don’t think this is due to an inability to be alone, but rather extreme anxiety about how I must look to my friends and family if I don’t have a steady long-term relationship at my age. I see that this is not necessarily the norm everywhere, but in my immediate and extended family, I am the odd one out because I haven’t had that steady partner for many years. I have three siblings very close to my age, and they have all either married or been in steady long term relationships where their partners are included openly in our family. I feel like I am missing out on this experience, and for that reason, I try desperately to find the person I’m “meant to be with” but I suppose this is the wrong way to think about a relationship. I guess I just don’t know how to think of it any other way.

When I reflect on past relationships, the part that worked was usually when I was able to be in the moment with them, appreciate them for what they could and were offering rather than wondering how they could offer more or what I wasn’t satisfied with. In the end, I believe all my relationships except for the first one had to do with my expectations being too high and my partners getting frustrated with my dissatisfaction.

You bring up another good point here about friends. I used to be a very social and outgoing person, but in the last few years I became increasingly embarrassed and ashamed with my failures in the romantic department, and I seem to have closed myself off and alienated myself from most of the people I used to socialize with. In fact, most of my friends from the past are strangers to me now, and our only connection being social media. I do have a couple of very good friends, but they are very introverted and I don’t see them very much. As for hobbies, my profession and academia have really taken the place of those. I wish I had more time to invest in fun or enjoyable activities for myself, but between starting my own business and trying to maintain my long distance relationship, I feel I am constantly short on time (and energy).

This is a good idea I believe about facing these intrusive thoughts, but I suppose I am terrified of them. I am terrified if I face them, and sit with them, they will consume me. The most terrifying one being “you made so many mistakes that you lost this previous relationship and you will never be as happy as you once could have been”, or “she (his current partner) is having the life you always wanted with him, and you will never be as happy as she is” or something equally negative and damaging. I’m not sure I have the strength to really sit with those thoughts without wanting to be physically ill!

I’m sure there is a way around all of this, but I feel so stuck and ashamed that I am stuck, that it’s sort of a vicious circle. I simply cannot be objective enough to ensure myself that regardless of who’s fault it was, it was a good thing in the end that this past relationship didn’t work out. But for some reason, I have a very, very difficult time believing myself on that.

Hi Anita,
Thank you for your reply. I feel this is what I must do, that I must change my focus from others to myself. I’ve learned what that means in dating, but I’m not sure how to go about it now, in healing.
As sad as it is, as soon as I wake up, I think of him and what happened. Each day. I’m trying very hard to clear my head of him and the pain of the self betrayal and rejection from him, but my mind wanders and I feel it over and over again throughout the day.
He is back in our city now, and I have not (and don’t expect to) heard from him. I imagine I’m nothing more than a distant memory to him now, a fling that served its purpose. Yet I feel wounded, distracted, and anxious because I allowed our “ending” to be open-ended (I.e. Agreeing to a “month off”).
I’ve thought about asking to meet with him, to explain my perspective and to express my desire that it’s either now or never, as in we could date more casually now and see where it goes, or go our separate ways. I do not feel comfortable with a month off, as in that time I will heal, and I do not want to work so hard to get over someone, and then have them come back when it is too late.
What do you think of this idea? I asked the universe (I am not religious) last night for piece of mind. More than anything, I want to forget all that happened, and focus on myself and enjoying this life. As it is now, I feel anchored to pain and regret.

Hi Anita,

Thank you for this great advice. I set some time today to really revisit the mindset I had as a child. When I did that, I felt the rejection the most. I don’t I was truly rejected by my parents or family, but looking back with the mindset of a child, I thought that I wasn’t good enough. But I also thought that if I tried hard enough, I could be. This is what I have been doing with men.

I spoke with him once again last night, and he said he thinks the only chance we have of rekindling this spark is too take a month or so and see if we both want to try again. I’m disappointed that he didn’t want to continue to see if it could come back over time, part of me regrets asking him if he’d be willing to try, but I suppose at this point it doesn’t really matter. I’m truly saddened by all of this. I was really enjoying spending time with him, and he said he was with me too. I feel so sad that when he gets back next week, I won’t be seeing him. I wish I could have gotten a handle of my emotions when we were apart, that I didn’t get overly invested too soon, and in turn rush the pace of the relationship. Today I keep finding myself thinking about our first real date, how excited I was to meet the person I had been talking to on the phone for two weeks, seeing how excited and nervous he was to meet me. How we had such a wonderful date, how I could see how interested he was in me. I wish I could go back so deeply. I wish I could have been true to myself, been disciplined, and started a new path away from unhealthy patterns. I’m also grieving what could have been, which I think I’m struggling the most with right now.

Hi Anita,

The great qualities that he said I possessed were that he thinks I’m intelligent, educated and have a successful career, beautiful and his type physically (I am half Asian and half European, he said he’s always dreamed of dating a “mixed” girl), come from a good family and are close with them, and am funny and a joy to be around.

I don’t think that these qualities are only on paper, I think the reason he felt the spark/attraction leave (if I were to guess) is because I am often trying to hard to please the man, to do whatever he wants to do, give up my plans to meet his, that I don’t seem confident. In the past, I have seen men that I have dated become smitten over women that I feel are less attractive, less successful and less charming than I think I am, but I have noticed that they don’t seem to “bend” to fit a man like I do.

This is what I can’t stop myself from wondering now, what if I hadn’t done that? What if I had been confident and assured of my positive qualities and what if I had continued to live my life the way I had when he wasn’t in it?

Hi Anita,

You are right, I DO know what went wrong, or how I “ruined” it- by rushing in too quickly. I suppose what I’m frustrated about is why these men let it happen too. In fact, they also contributed to things moving too fast. The difference seems to be that I can still objectively see the potential in the other person as a match, with now taking things slower. Instead, with this man and the one before, they seem to “replace” my role so quickly by talking to another woman, that it seems like there is no benefit in trying with me anymore.

I am trying now to figure out how to handle this current situation. It has been left open ended, he said he thinks he would still like to see me when he gets back on Wednesday, but that we should “wait and talk about it and figure it out more”, that was on Sunday. We’ve talked a little since then, but nothing of any significance, and yesterday was the first day I did not hear from him at all. I do not know where we stand now. My friends and family have encouraged me to not contact him at all, to let him come to me. They seem to think that if we have any chance in the future, it would have to be that way rather than me contacting him.

However, now that I know he is actively talking to this other woman (I can see him online frequently), I feel rather stupid waiting around for what may never come (him to contact me again). At this point, it seems to me even if he did come back and want to try taking things slower with me once he is home again next week, he would hold all the power in the relationship, and I would essentially be an option rather than a priority. Before, I was willing to accept this as I felt that it was my consequence for once again rushing into the relationship, but now I am not so sure.

When I work with clients, I tell them to trust their instincts, and to go with their gut. At this point, I’m worried that my instincts are not leading me in a positive direction (rushing once again), and I’m not sure what to do. I feel like I want to talk to him, to clarify exactly where we stand and to point out that I’ve realized my error in not managing the pace, but I also fear of coming across as too invested once again and risk losing more of my dignity and essentially pushing him further away into the arms of this other woman. I’m very conflicted, and as such, I have not done anything.

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your last post, that makes a lot of sense to me. I think you are right, and I am learning to try to change those beliefs. I’m not sure if I would be able to while in a relationship or not, or if those core beliefs have already caused this last one to end.

As an anecdote, I spoke with him on the phone yesterday, but we did not talk about anything of any significance. He didn’t bring up the article I sent, nor did I, and if anything, we made small talk. I have not heard from him today, but I have seen he has been online. Before, he would speak to me daily and seemed eager to do so. More and more I’m feeling like his interest in me has all but depleted. I’m torn between calling him and talking about it, or just leaving it alone and seeing if he contacts me.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by laelithia.