Hi Anita,

This was a lot more difficult to do than I would have expected. I wonder why that is? When I really think about it, and bring myself back to that place, I felt above all else, scared. Scared that I wouldn’t be cared for like I needed to, helpless. I also felt sad, lonely, neglected, unloved, jealous, wrong, grotesque. Like something was definitely wrong with me, not her or anyone else. I felt guilty, for not being “right” and “good” naturally. I also felt confused, that I didn’t know why things were this way, and angry about it, for that matter. As I got older, I replaced most of those emotions with anger. I became (outwardly to my family) mean, abrasive, and cold. Inside, I felt those same emotions, but I didn’t let myself think about it or really feel them.

When I reflect on what I’ve written here, you are right, these are the same emotions I have been feeling towards men, especially in the early stages of dating. What makes it worse, is when those relationships end, and I see them in relationships with other women, it validates those negative emotions even more. Like those women are “right” and “good” and “desirable”, while I am not those things. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy that I can see now. Did you suggest I do this exercise, so that I can fully acknowledge and heal these childhood wounds as to not repeat the negative cycle again?

Thanks for your replies Jon and Inky!
The more I think about it, the more I see how I have a pattern of jumping into relationship with both feet way too early on that does two dysfunctional things. One, it makes me very invested emotionally before I even assess if the man is a good partner for me, and two, it scares the men away (for good reason!) and they assume the attraction to me is lost. I think they begin to associate this “too much too soon” pressure with their overall picture of me.

Inky,
I too thought me loosening the reigns and allowing myself to be a Plan B was totally disrespectful to myself, but I’m now seeing it a different way. The way I see it now, is that we had a spark growing on the first date (he even told his friend, who told me, that he said it had been the best date he’d ever been on), but I think in moving too fast and rushing things (to which I think we were both responsible for) it sort of suffocated the early flame and became too comfortable too soon.

I spoke on the phone with him yesterday, and I think this is what made me realize how much pressure I was putting on myself (and by association, him) to make a relationship work because I had been intimate with him. He basically said that the reason he was worried if we should continue to see each other or not is that if he was not sure if the spark was there, and we continued to date, we would be on the path to a committed relationship. I can see how this is troubling for him, if he wasn’t sure that intense attraction was there, not to mention it is far too soon to be making commitments like that. We’ve only really spent a few days together after all. He did say that he still really likes me, and would like to see me when he’s back though.

In my own healing, I am really learning to let go of the control of situations and others I seem to think I have by altering my behaviour. Instead, i am more focused on improving my own wellbeing so that I don’t feel this urge to jump into relationships to fill a void. I am going to try my best to rectify what I think went wrong in this relationship, but I won’t try to force it if it doesn’t happen like I have in the past. He said he would call or text me today after reading an article he asked me to send after I told him about (it spoke about the myth of that elusive “spark”. It was a good article but I realized this morning I only sent a small part of it. I almost messaged him with the rest, but thought it would be best just to tell him later when he contacts me), when he does I’m thinking of suggesting that we continue to see each other (no sleeping together of course!) but more casually. I figure this way, if that “spark” or attraction comes back naturally without all the pressure, then great. If not, I think I will be in a far better place to move on.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by laelithia.

Hi Anita,

I have been doing my best to take your advice, to fill the hole with “reality to fit the subjective experience”, but I suppose I’m at a loss in how to do this. I’ve tried dating again, but I quickly become discouraged that it doesn’t feel the same/as good as it did with him, and fearful. He promised me so many times he wouldn’t break my heart, that he would always be there for me, that I was the one for him, that I am terrified of this happening with anyone else. He broke all those promises to me. One day, I broke down and sent him the pictures of the texts he sent me, promising never to hurt me, and he said cruelly to get over it, that it had been 2 months already. He said we shouldn’t be friends anymore, that I was only trying to prove to myself that I could keep a man interested, even as a friend, but that he was not. I know I set myself up for that, but it still hurt nonetheless.

I feel so stuck, so damaged, and hopeless about my future romantic prospects. Anyone I meet, I cannot imagine them being as wonderful as he was at the beginning. I can’t seem to find that connection with anyone else, they’re appearance, communication style, interest in me, etc. all seems to be less desirable than his. I see now that it was not real love on his end, but it was real for me. I have never felt that way about anyone before, so grateful to finally have that emptiness inside of me filled, that I was certain he was the one for me. It’s now been almost 2.5 months later and still I wake up every morning missing how things were. Feeling exhausted at the prospect of starting over with someone that won’t understand and care for me the way he did.

I’ve regressed back to wondering what would have happened if I had behaved myself better that last visit to his city when we were together, what if I had paid more attention to my appearance? I was lulled into a false sense of security with him so early on, but in reality, it was the early stages of dating and I should have presented myself better. Anyway, I have accepted that it is over, but any time I have alone, I am reminded of the emptiness I have always felt, only now it is even larger without his affection.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by laelithia.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by laelithia.

Hi Anita,

That is what has always confused me, too. The contradiction. I can understand that he “played” me, that it was never real emotion, that it was a game to him. But at the same time, he consistently says he felt his feelings were true at the time. This leads me to 2 conclusions:

1. He’s confused, and doesn’t really know himself, what he wants, or the consequences of his indecisiveness/confusion on others, or

2. Something I did (or didn’t do) caused him to either not continue developing feelings for me or to stop them all together.

Somehow I am more inclined (emotionally at least) to pay more attention to the latter reason. I think it’s because I have so much “evidence” that I can refer to. Ex. Many, many pictures of himself with captions like “Baby, I miss you!”, “you’re the perfect woman for me, we’re going to be such a strong couple”, “I’m so happy you’re mine”, etc. I think when I look back on those and all the messages he sent me, I begin to feel nostalgic and like I lost something truly amazing. However, my friend told me, and I believe its true, if what he was offering, he couldn’t consistently provide, none of it matters.

I keep trying to focus on that, but it’s so difficult. My heart longs for that “love” again, to feel so special, to have so much hope for the future, to build a life with someone I truly cared for. Somehow my fairytale dream/fantasy turned into a dark and miserable nightmare that I wish I could escape.

Smiley,
I so feel for you! I know exactly what that’s like, unfortunately. It’s as if these men have no idea what they actually want, so they come on so strong to us to see, and then suddenly they decide they don’t want us. It’s so unfair. I hope you feel better soon, we both deserve to heal!

Liz,
Thanks so much for sharing! I can totally relate to your story, and even how you feel about having them on social media. I’ve done this a few times with exes, deleted them and then ended up re-adding them because I wasn’t ready for the permanency of it all. I’ve found it’s only when I’m 100% over an ex that I can delete them from social media without regretting it.

I hope you feel better soon, we are definitely all in this together!

Hi Anita,

Yes, it’s concluded now. The meeting served exactly the purpose you suggested. I was able to see that he was not the Fantasy I had envisioned. He was a regular, ordinary man. In my dreams I had imagined him to be so much more than he really was. He is flawed (as we all are!) and I realized once and for all he was not the person I had remembered/envisioned him to be.

I still miss this wonderful man I remember, but as time passes, I realize that it was never really him. This is both a relief, but also painfully sad. I think when I started this thread and named it what I did, deep down I already knew this. I’m going to work as hard as I can in this time of transition to truly look after myself so this cycle does not repeat.

As I reflect on this breakup and losing my job, I am reminded of a quote I read once. It read “While it may appear your life is falling apart, it’s laying the framework for rebuilding exactly as it should.” I believe this to be true for me, that this is an opportunity for me to solidify a strong foundation for my life, one grounded in reality. I promise to do my best to stay true to myself. Thank you so, so much for all your help in this process. As I’ve said before, I don’t think I could ever express my deep gratitude for your time, thoughtfulness and support.

I wish you the very best.

– L

Hi Anita,

I’m so torn beteen the choices, I don’t even know what my heart wants. For some reason my gut is trllling me that if I’m going to see him, it has to this week/weekend. I think it’s because anymore time delaying it, will continue to “build up” this fantasy. I want to be able to move on from all of this the best way possible, and I just don’t know which option is the best.

I am 100% sure that I will not be taken for another ride with him, should he want that. I am worried though that if I do see him, rather than facing my fantasy head on, I might regress and miss him more afterwards. It’s so confusing! I don’t know if I would regret more seeing him, or not seeing him.

To make matters worse, I lost my job this week. I was planning on leaving anyway, but for it to happen that way, has been particularly traumatic for me and my clients. I’m also grieving that now, too.  I’m worried I’m not thinking clearly, and Thai feeling of everything being rushed to make a decision is giving me a lot of anxiety. I really don’t know if I should try to see him today or tomorrow or not. It’s so difficult to know…

You bring up such good points, Anita. At times I’m envious of people like him that can sort of switch of their feelings, but when I really think about it, I would not want to trade places. I don’t think people like him are able to have real deep and lasting connections with others. Which of course, begs the question why I am still fantasizing about the relationship.

I believe what you said initially to my post is the real loss I am grieving. I am grieving what he represented at the time, the kind of man who I need to be with, who satisfies my craving for love and attention. The package he came in was simply a bonus, I believe.

Now that this fantasy has gone on this long (almost as long as the actual “relationship”!), I’m wondering what I should do moving forward. He seems indifferent at best and uninterested at worst to meeting with me, and I feel stuck. Part of me feels if I push it enough, he will meet with me, and I will be faced with my fantasy/illusion head on and will move on from it (I will see who he truly is), and part of me feels like I should just let it go as it is, cut all contact, and proceed without stripping anymore of my dignity to him.

What do you think should be my next step?

Thank you so much again for your patience and wisdom!