ZenDen,

As soon as I started reading your post I was thinking you should start your own business as it is the reverse of the things you hate about your current job. But that is obviously a huge risk. On the plus side, you have a business degree so you hopefully have some of the knowledge to assist with this if it was an option…. perhaps starting a not-for-profit that could incorporate your interests in travelling & outdoor activities? Adventure trips abroad for under privileged kids for example…..? 🙂

Are there any positives you can take from your current job? Any skills you have learnt or things you have found you’re particularly good at? Maybe these could be a jumping off point for a new direction…? There are always transferable skills to take onward with you – you just have to look for them and re-frame them.

I agree with Michelle14 – you should definitely base this on some kind of time frame and give yourself at least 6 months to save money in your current job before escaping. I left a career I hated on the spur of the moment because I had reached boiling point and couldn’t take it any more – but now I wish I had thought it through better as I was getting a very good salary at the time & did not plan my exit so did not save anything which made the next few months very difficult financially as I was also in debt.

However – I did jump and it was a scary time BUT it was the best thing I ever did. I totally changed direction in my career and because of that I had to start from the bottom of a new profession on a very small salary and retrain all over again which has taken me 5 years to complete. BUT it was completely worth it, I am now so happy in my career, I know it is the right fit for me and people are in disbelief when they find out what I used to do! 🙂 There are times in my day where I find myself thinking “I can’t believe I get paid to do this!” and I hope one day you can say the same with a big smile on your face! Good luck xxx

Hi Sophia,

You sound as though you are treading water…

You’ve recognised some self made problems such as never truly committing to living there and spending as much free time as possible elsewhere which have limited your ability to build up a social network, the result of which is your isolation. It is a bonus that you enjoy your work and the company you work for 🙂

The definition of madness is doing the same thing in the same way and expecting a different outcome so….

As I see it you have three options:

1) STAY (but do it differently!)
As your home and work contracts are coming to an end you are in an ideal position to negotiate them.
Find another flat in the nicer part of the city that would give you a better lifestyle.
Look for flatmate(s) that you would have more in common with – the ‘spareroom’ website is great for this.
Could it be feasibly to work another 6 months in your current job in this city? This would give you a 6 month buffer to really give living there another go, you already enjoy your job so focus more on your social life. Is there a hobby you enjoy or something you’ve always wanted to try? Try the ‘Meetups’ app to find groups of like minded people to do things with whether its just having a drink after work or something more exciting. Is there anyone at work you get on with? Perhaps they can introduce you to their social circle?
Try to resist the temptation to escape at weekends – invite people to visit you instead, you can show them the sights whilst learning about the place you live yourself! 🙂 You never know what you might discover…

2) MOVE ON
It is tempting to just up sticks and move away again to start a fresh. BUT you have to ask yourself how you would stop history repeating itself…? You don’t want to end up in exactly the same situation just in a different city. What have you learnt that would help? Where would you go? Is there somewhere you already have friends or family members? Is there anywhere you feel drawn to that you would love to live? Is there anywhere that would be an especially good career move? Or somewhere you could study part time? OR would you just be moving to get out of this situation?

3) GO HOME
This obviously has financial benefits – as long as you could limit your outgoings whilst still working then you could save more efficiently for your travelling. But you need a plan and something to aim towards – just saving up to go travelling is too vague and can easily get lost and never fulfilled. If you do move home give yourself a time limit to save and set a goal of how long you want to travel for and which places you want to visit. This will help you to work out a rough budget so you will know how much you need to save. It will give you an aim and also keep your mind positive! I know you are not career focused, but is there something you can do whilst travelling that will eventually help you get into the career to which you do aspire? Some voluntary work perhaps? or a work placement? Will going help help you to build bridges with friends?

Above all be true to your inner voice – we all truly know what we truly want deep down.

Good luck with your decisions
x x x

Hi Nicole,

I think I have some understanding of what you’re experiencing – I too was in an abusive relationship for 6 years and have been out of it properly for the past 18 months but I still have some difficult times. For example those feelings of shame and anger towards yourself that you mention – it took me quite a while to accept that I was angry at myself for staying with him because by doing so I was essentially accepting his treatment of me. Since the separation I have often wondered why I accepted this, why did I normalise this and make excuses for him? Why was I content to be treated in a way that would horrify most other people? I suppose that is all to do with self worth – I did not feel worthy of anything better. This is a deeply sad thought that I am still processing in order to really dig down and find its roots…I have only recently been able to accept where this may have all started.

The positive you can take is that you are definitely 100 times better off out of this relationship than you were in it – but at times this can be hard to hold on to when you feel lonely and adrift. You are going through a period of growth and re-learning how to be alone and how to be you when not in that relationship. This is something I pushed against for a awhile, throwing myself straight into dating because I had no idea how to exist outside of a relationship. And also, if I am honest because I wanted to fill the hole in my life and I needed the reassurance that someone out there still wanted me. But of course I was not ready (at all!) and my deep rooted problems surfaced again and again until I had to face up to them and go it completely alone.

It is hard to be on your own. You will have days where you crave the physical comfort of a relationship more than anything. You will have days when you feel like you will never ever be whole again. But then you will have days where you get to do all the things you love most without having to even consider another person, just doing what makes you happy because you can and that will be good, and that will be enough.

Through my relationship I lost sight of things that gave me pleasure like exercise, my hobbies and my friends. I had felt selfish for taking time to do things for my own enjoyment and again as though I was not worthy of this time and pleasure. Being by myself has been an eye opener to that – I have experimented with different hobbies and exercises and spent time building bridges with old friends. I still have days and weeks (and longer!) where I find it hard to exercise, or eat properly, hard to go out and socialise, hard to concentrate on anything. But I have learnt to accept those times, experience them and know that they will be transient. I try not to beat myself up over it and instead practice being accepting of my feelings – when I do this those periods tend to be shorter. In those times do what you are drawn to – for example during one episode going to the gym or an organised class felt totally overwhelming but I craved fresh air and wanted to walk so that is what I did – I just walked by myself and that was okay.

I am still getting to grips with the “just being” part. Most of my friends & family live quite far away from me so seeing them is usually planned out in advance, therefore I do end up with quite a lot of ‘me’ time when not at work. Like you I was was once very independent, but this got lost. At first it felt strange to be alone again especially when coming out of a situation where I was manipulated & controlled and barely had any time to myself, but now I quite enjoy it. I am content in my own company at home and have started doing more activities on my own like going out for dinner, to the movies or to an event. Why should I miss out on these things just because I am not in a relationship?! 🙂
Tomorrow I am going to a concert on my own for the first time and later in the year I am planning to take a holiday alone….still building up to that one! And although part of me wishes for companionship on that adventure, I strongly feel like it is something I need to do alone.

I should want to spend time with myself because I am pretty great, and you are too! It is a case of rebuilding, of not running before you can walk – take baby steps and celebrate small achievements. Indulge yourself in things that give you pleasure, nurture yourself in all the ways you couldn’t during that horrible time that you endured. Make your space somewhere you love to be, decorate how you want to, have things you love around you, wear what makes your happy and above all make it a safe haven where you are free to be 100% you.

Give yourself a break – you are doing great! Even on the days you feel lost and alone congratulate yourself on being strong enough to be free of that abusive situation and moving forward in your own way. x x x