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Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
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  • May 4, 2015 at 2:56 am #76111
    Sophia
    Participant

    Dear Tiny Buddha Readers,

    I have a predicament here that I really need some advice on.

    I’ve just graduated from University and I feel completely lost in my new life. My plan after graduating was to move abroad to teach English and travel for a little while to gather my thoughts, but this all fell through and so consequently I have ended up living in a City in which I have no ties, family or connections. From the minute I arrived here, I think I knew that I had made a mistake…I was never hit by that ‘oh wow, what a beautiful place!… I’m so excited’ kind of feeling. I ended up here because the part of the country in which I live is notoriously difficult for graduate employment and, this being the nearest ‘large’ city, seemed like a good option.

    The issue is that I do like my job, but I am thoroughly miserable living where I live. Partly, I think, it is emphasised by the fact that I am sharing a house with a guy who I don’t really have very much in common with and also living in the not very nice end of town, miles away from where I work. I haven’t made any friends since I have been living here, in fact, I have spent the last 6 months completely alone. I suffer quite extensively from anxiety and depression, for which I am trying to access some talking therapies, but I feel like it’s being made worse by the fact that I am so completely alone living where I am living. The issue is partly mine, because I have never properly committed to living here and I spend most weekends either at home or in other places. So, in many senses, I think that I have mitigated my own social life.

    My question is what do I do? Both my house and job contract come to an end very shortly and so I have some big decisions to make…Do I stay living in the city that I’m living in, and apply for another position with the company that I love working for? Maybe it could work if I really committed myself to joining some things or making some connections? It is a beautiful part of the country, but the city itself has no character to it and I have no connections here whatsoever. Or, do I go back home to the place where I’m from, work there for a little bit and concentrate on improving my mental health so that i can go on to study and travel and do all of the things that i ACTUALLY want to be doing? Most days I feel completely anxious and exhausted and I struggle to even get out of bed in the morning. I don’t feel like I can talk about this with my new housemate, and so he just thinks that I am antisocial and unmotivated. I feel like if I went home for a bit, at least I would be in a place that I know makes me happy, and so I could concentrate on restoring my health and then looking ahead to the future? Essentially, at the moment, I am not looking to build a career. I have plans to go back in to study so that I can eventually do something that I love doing and I would also like to travel, so really I am just working at the moment to save enough to do these things. The problem is that the county where I come from has very low graduate employment prospects and the salaries are substantially lower that i could be earning elsewhere. Also, it’s a very popular tourist destination and so living costs are quite high…similarly, very bad transport and infrastructure…but, completely beautiful nonetheless. I love my current job, but I think that it’s something that I could be doing anywhere. I took two years out of education before I went to University, so I always feel like I’m playing catch-up to those around me…I just don’t want to make a mistake by going home, but I really do feel like I need some time to focus on my health before I can think about doing anything else…I just don’t know. Or, the other solution is that I go somewhere new entirely…but I feel like, with the way I am feeling at the moment, I might not be in the right frame of mind to be meeting and socialising with new people…I just need some time. Perhaps it’s just the particular area of the city that I’m living in that makes me unhappy?

    I have drifted apart from a lot of my friends…I have a tendency to isolate myself when I’m feeling depressed and so I don’t really know which way to turn. I just want to build some connections and meet some friends and try to be happy…I don’t know what to do, I’ve felt so lost since I’ve stopped studying. I’m so worried that I’m going to spend so much time thinking about what I should be doing, and no time doing that I will miss my entire 20s, supposedly the best years of your life…Help?

    Sophia x

    May 4, 2015 at 2:25 pm #76130
    Laura
    Participant

    Hi Sophia,

    You sound as though you are treading water…

    You’ve recognised some self made problems such as never truly committing to living there and spending as much free time as possible elsewhere which have limited your ability to build up a social network, the result of which is your isolation. It is a bonus that you enjoy your work and the company you work for 🙂

    The definition of madness is doing the same thing in the same way and expecting a different outcome so….

    As I see it you have three options:

    1) STAY (but do it differently!)
    As your home and work contracts are coming to an end you are in an ideal position to negotiate them.
    Find another flat in the nicer part of the city that would give you a better lifestyle.
    Look for flatmate(s) that you would have more in common with – the ‘spareroom’ website is great for this.
    Could it be feasibly to work another 6 months in your current job in this city? This would give you a 6 month buffer to really give living there another go, you already enjoy your job so focus more on your social life. Is there a hobby you enjoy or something you’ve always wanted to try? Try the ‘Meetups’ app to find groups of like minded people to do things with whether its just having a drink after work or something more exciting. Is there anyone at work you get on with? Perhaps they can introduce you to their social circle?
    Try to resist the temptation to escape at weekends – invite people to visit you instead, you can show them the sights whilst learning about the place you live yourself! 🙂 You never know what you might discover…

    2) MOVE ON
    It is tempting to just up sticks and move away again to start a fresh. BUT you have to ask yourself how you would stop history repeating itself…? You don’t want to end up in exactly the same situation just in a different city. What have you learnt that would help? Where would you go? Is there somewhere you already have friends or family members? Is there anywhere you feel drawn to that you would love to live? Is there anywhere that would be an especially good career move? Or somewhere you could study part time? OR would you just be moving to get out of this situation?

    3) GO HOME
    This obviously has financial benefits – as long as you could limit your outgoings whilst still working then you could save more efficiently for your travelling. But you need a plan and something to aim towards – just saving up to go travelling is too vague and can easily get lost and never fulfilled. If you do move home give yourself a time limit to save and set a goal of how long you want to travel for and which places you want to visit. This will help you to work out a rough budget so you will know how much you need to save. It will give you an aim and also keep your mind positive! I know you are not career focused, but is there something you can do whilst travelling that will eventually help you get into the career to which you do aspire? Some voluntary work perhaps? or a work placement? Will going help help you to build bridges with friends?

    Above all be true to your inner voice – we all truly know what we truly want deep down.

    Good luck with your decisions
    x x x

    May 4, 2015 at 2:39 pm #76132
    Rose Tattoo
    Participant

    Can you apply for a job with the same company but move closer to it and maybe find roommates where you can develop friendships?

    May 5, 2015 at 5:46 am #76178
    Sophia
    Participant

    Lala, you’ve identified everything that I’m feeling at the moment.

    THANK YOU :). So much xx

    May 6, 2015 at 7:55 am #76226
    Laura
    Participant

    You’re so welcome, I hope it helps. Good luck for the future 🙂

    May 30, 2015 at 2:18 pm #77514
    Sophia
    Participant

    So, update on this. I think I’ve made a terrible mistake.

    Basically – I panicked about my current job contract ending so quickly and decided that I would try to give living in this city another go…so I applied for a job with the same company, in a different department and in a role in which I felt that I would be much more suited.

    Having subsequently been offered the job…I accepted. The job will be great experience (though the salary is very low), the contract is only for 6 months and career-wise, I will be in a much better position to pursue other opportunities once I have finished my term. Having said that, basically as soon as I had accepted, I knew that I had made a mistake.

    On the one-hand…it’s only 6 months. on the other hand… it is six more months of living in a place in which I am really, really miserable. I have no connections here and I spend all of my time wishing that I was somewhere else. I just hate this city with a burning passion. I love the company, but it’s not enough and I just don’t think I can take another six-months of being here.

    My issue is that I accepted the job about 10 days ago now (nothing has been signed) and from a professional point of view, I know that it is such bad etiquette to turn down a job so late after the offer has been made. The other candidates will have been declined, and there will already have been considerable time and effort spent on the recruitment process. I don’t want to sour relations, but I just cannot take this job. What should I do? It’s really popular place to work and I am confident that they could easily find another candidate…or I could just try to stick it out for six months. Life is too short to be miserable, though.

    All of this could have been avoided if I had just trusted myself better to make the right decision. I just feel so stuck and now I’m wasting other people’s time because of my indecision. What can I do to rectify this situation?

    Help!!

    June 1, 2015 at 10:51 am #77575
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sophia:
    In your decision making you have to take into consideration your history with anxiety and depression. There is the logical side of decision making: what is the right decision for a person- any person to make and then there is the right decision for Sophia to make? A decision custom made for YOU. You stated you hate the city with a passion. For A person (who I don’t know, some person in the world), it could be an opportunity to look at the city from a Beginner’s Mind: to abandon old judgments and look at it as if you are looking at it again for the first time, notice new things instead of using the filters of the first time. See things you didn’t see before,a dn see the same things you saw before in a different way. Can you do that or interested in doing that? Can you do that with the anxiety of old?

    My first inclination is to suggest you turn down the job (someone will be happy to be contacted about it after being told it is taken…?) and go back to where you were happier (but where you happy there..?)

    One thing I am sure of: making choices when feeling distressed is not the right time to do so: you must get to a state of CALM if you can and not rush yourself. Be calm- somehow get to that state of mind, calm- clear the fog of confusion that is stirred by distress, anxiety. Think when you are calm. Let the part of you that KNOWS what you should do- speak to you. You can hear that voice, I hope, in the absence of the distracting NOISE of anxiety, distress.

    Take care:
    anita

    June 7, 2015 at 12:32 am #77801
    Aurora Borealis
    Participant

    Hi, I think Laura has given some excellent advice on what you can do for yourself if you choose to extend your stay in this current city. How confident are you on trying to move to another place and get a job? And do you have the financial “cushion” to do so? Meaning enough money to last until you can find one etc, and any idea or where to head to? Is this country safe, and wherever you are headed?

    It’s hard to calm down when it seems that everything is happening at once. 6 months can pass quickly or slowly. I know you are miserable, but you seem like a smart girl who has already listed down the pros and cons of whichever step you choose to take. Here’s my two cents worth… If I don’t have the financial cushion and confidence etc, I’ll stay for 6 months. Low salary, but at least I have shelter and good experience which helps in job hunting. And for the next 6 months, I invest the time on my physical health, work on my job search and trying to make friends in the place you think you want to go. Via couchsurfing etc. If you have the money to move, and think that the next 6 months in this job is absolutely unbearable, then just go. You are young. You have time. All will be fine.

    best,
    aurora

    June 7, 2015 at 7:58 am #77809
    Bethany Rosselit
    Participant

    Hi Sophia,

    What were your reasons for moving? Changes are very difficult, and you were seeking something when you moved. So really look at what it was you were seeking. Some things can not be run away from, and no place is going to provide peace and happiness. Those need to come from within.

    And in the end, this may be a learning experience, that you learned through trial and error. But really look at what it was that you wanted and hoped for, because if you are not able to provide those things for yourself, you will not be happy anywhere.

    Bethany Rosselit
    http://onlinetherapyandcoaching.org

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