Forum Replies Created
December 11, 2014 at 6:50 am #69092
Get out and meet people. In a tough job market the main way you will get a job is through someone else, and you are likely to meet a boyfriend (though that doesn’t matter so much, better to be with nobody than the wrong person – wait until you meet someone just right and until you do focus on positive connections that are plantonic :)). The are other ways to bring meaning into your life other than romance – think about how. I feel you are sad because you have an idea about what life should be like and are depressed because the should doesn’t match the reality. I think what you need to do is to think about how you can grow meaning and value in your life right now as it is (rather than focusing on the shoulds and how life should be)- think about what is meaningful, exciting and passion inspiring for you.
As an example, right now I am super excited about foraging and growing my own food. I am excited about Buddhism (which gives ton fiddy meaning!), I am excited about yoga. There are many passions you can grow and nourish right now – focus on this, forgetting how things should be and being depressed by the gap and forming connections and you will be much happier :).December 11, 2014 at 6:42 am #69091
I agree with Lucinda. If he can’t accept you, with mental health problems and all, he is a waste of time. He should NEVER be threatening to leave you or getting angry at you for googling your symptoms. How old is he? Because he sounds like an emotional child, you deserve love, respect and support. Using anger to try and control your behavior, and having no understanding and compassion for what you are going through – it’s a BLESSING that he is calling off the wedding. I hope you will realize that in time, when you finally meet someone who is kind and supportive. Guy has the compassion and emotional intelligence of an orange.
I hope you get some help and support lovely <3. Continue connecting to people that support and love you. And if you do work things out, he needs to get his shit together. You have a mental disorder – none of these things are your fault and it’s horrible that your ex was adding on to it :(. My boyfriend used to get angry at me for things related to my disability – mild dyspraxia, such as forgetting things and losing things – but I told him to cut the shit out, because I can’t help but do those things. And he himself, realized that there is no point in getting angry, when it will continue to happen and I can’t help but do it. People deserve love and compassion in relationships – your anxiety is something you need support for lovely <3, you struggle with it – you definitely shouldn’t feel ashamed and responsible for it because you can’t control it. You are DEFINITELY not the problem, the anxiety is not the problem, HE and his childish, emotionally immature reactions to it are the problem. Im not saying it is not hard for him, I understand it could be, but a mature and strong person would work through that and find ways to support you and to find support for how he copes and deals with it.
It’s not your fault, HE is the problem.December 5, 2014 at 12:15 pm #68826
Are you doing any cbt? I have social anxiety disorder and this has really helped me a lot. I wish I started sooner, as it really helps you see how irrational your thoughts are and has eased my anxiety so much. Please try it out :). I use a book and audio, and do at least 5 minutes everyday (you start to want to do it). It’s very helpful 🙂September 27, 2014 at 5:40 am #65634
Ahhh thank you so much lovely Inky :)! Perfect, wise advice :)! Take out is such a massive one of mine as well :D! And we loveee mayonaise haha :D. I’ll definitely limit the enjoyment to twice a week; and thank you for not making every ‘junky’ meal seem like a shame fest :).September 27, 2014 at 4:53 am #65631
My love, you have her love you because you are worthy of love!! I really, really, really recommend Moon’s recommended book; it’s fucking awesome. It’s based on the premise that in order to overcome anxiety, we must train our mind to know there is nothing to be afraid of and we do this through exposure; so if you are afraid that everyone is judging you as you walk down the street; LOOK at them and you see that they aren’t. You do this so many times, and the anxiety drops. Same, if you go to a party; what are you scared of? To talk to people – so talk to them? Afraid to express an opinion; so you push to express an opinion. Also CBT is really helpful; there are free materials online, and I suggest you get in touch with a counsellor or buy and download a book and practice for yourself.
Something that really helped me was this course;
In which you write a list of all the compliments people told you, what you are good at etc – then when you begin to ruminate about what a ‘shitty’ person you are etc, you just open up the list (so like on wordpad, or keep it on your phone to look at – and you read that 🙂 – and it’s SO SO helpful!). Also something that’s really, really helped me has been loving kindness meditation; I don’t love myself, or I didn’t, I had bad self-esteem and social anxiety and all my mental thoughts were compulsively berating me; but this meditation is amazing; it promotes love and self esteem and kindness; its like the love and acceptance you are seeking outside, but you get it inside. This will help you with your love life too ^_^.
Also I went out yesterday, and normally I am doing my exposure therapy (looking at people etc) to see they aren’t actually judging me, but today I went out after doing a loving kindness meditation, and it kind of helped me see people as kind, rather than hostile (towards me) so they were less unnerving. It also helped me feel so much happier. And helped me focus on others, and the good feelings I had for them rather than my ‘flawed’ self and how scared I was of being judged.
I promise this combination of loving kindness meditation, cbt and the SSA system (or whatever it’s called) that lovely Moon recommended 🙂 will really help ease your suffering.
Ugh, massive massive hugs to you, anxiety is just one of the worst things anyone ever has to go through. And the fact that you’re living it and pushing yourself and going to interviews and having a g/f is amazing kudos enough!!September 27, 2014 at 4:21 am #65628
I don’t know my love… I agree with Chad… EVERYONE I know who is young and fresh out of college, working crappy jobs because of the recession, is just longing for College back. Working a repetitive job is not fun; and isn’t going to teach you much about life at all, I am sorry to say.
Also, I know that your problems sadly follow you everywhere; so the external circumstance is not going to matter much at all…
Are you getting help for your suffering <3? I personally have found meditation and exercise to be a massive, massive help to my wellbeing; I know it’s not everyone’s thing, but it gives an amazing feeling of happiness :). And actually really helps with clarity – which is what you are seeking!! I can’t recommend it highly enough :). My boyfriend and I often meditate, and problems and qualms we have had earlier that day we just suddenly find an answer to :).
Also I really hope you don’t feel like I am suggesting that these things will cure your depression and anxiety – not at all. I have suffered from both, and know it is definitely not anything you can magic away, it’s really painful. I just really think they will help ease your suffering and help you find a bit of clarity in your situation ^_^ <3.
*hugs* to you!September 27, 2014 at 3:56 am #65626
*hugs* to you Petra!! This is a terrible situation to be in and must be incredibly painful for you – *massive hugs*. It is heart-wrenching to deal with this level of rejection and pain; seemingly for no reason. You do not deserve this treatment; and it’s really heartbreaking when your husband is not on your side!! He is probably struggling with his own shame and a need to be accepted and loved by his family; this can be incredibly hard, and often we are rendered little kids in front of our families, so desperate for their love and approval that we find it hard to act with adult assertion.
You cannot stop these people from hurting you – it is painful and it is a sad reality. But you can be happy and be free from most of your suffering about the situation, if you are willing to do some simple exercises :).
I really agree with the wise responses from Simon and Jade here :). People are incredibly self-involved unfortunately, which makes them often too blind to consider someone with out all of their projections. While it is painful, I do agree that you ‘hustling’ for your worth from them, and love and acceptance. From people that just seem ‘bad’ who have hurt you, rejected you and treated you unfairly – rationally even if they did offer friendship – would you WANT them as friends, aside to ease the suffering you feel? Do they deserve your friendship? The fact that they are taking out whatever their ‘issues’ are which do not make an ounce of sense, on your CHILDREN? Do your children deserve their treatment? And that they cut you out for asserting yourself against that crazy, horrible comment the brother made – that is abusive behavior.
I think, as hard as it is, try not to get angry because you are dealing with abusive people – which means that their actions have no reflection on you. They use their abuse tactics to try and control and make people fall in line – your husband and you but they surely do that with all people, because it is their way of relating and feeling in control. You don’t deserve that crap in your life and I think it’s a blessing that these people have cut you out. It means you can focus your energy on people that do deserve to be there and who deserve to be in your children’s lives.
But rather than walking around with all your pain, and suffering from anger, and hate – while understandable – it is just unnecessary suffering. I really advise you to practice loving kindness meditation 🙂 – it will really, really ease all the pain you are feeling and help you love yourself and feel more peaceful and at ease; then these people’s actions won’t matter so much ^_^. As has been mentioned about auditioning for people’s approval who don’t like you by Jade, sadly you do this because you find it hard to approve of yourself! If you did find it easy, then you would not be driven to gain approval from these people and feel bad about yourself because you couldn’t. Loving kindness meditation has really, really helped me to love and accept myself; when we have own our source of love which we gain from meditation; it’s *amazing* – you feel so much love for yourself – it really is a beautiful feeling :). Love is not control and it is not abuse. Which is what these people are intricately connected with. So as a I say, you cannot change how they feel; but you can change the effect it has on you <3. I really hope that you try the meditation out ^-^! Even just everyday for a week. I also suggest, but I know this will be very painful to maybe consider, that you maybe send some loving kindness their way; because if you suffer from (though righteous) painful anger, resentment or criticalness, it will only deeply add to your suffering – and I do not want that for you.
If you are happy, do you desire to hurt others? No. These people must be deeply miserable that they feel compelled to make you and many others (I am certain) suffer because of their pain. It makes me feel there is a very painful legacy within that family; which also makes me feel some compassion for your husband; clearly he is not like them, but suffers greatly from their treatment. Havig issues with my own in-laws (well kind of, we aren’t married yet!) my longterm boyfriend, I know deeply struggles with desiring their love and acceptance, and finds it very, very hard that their is a rift between my self and his mum. I’m not saying that doesn’t mean that he should not be there for you and stand up for you (though it may seem very fruitless) but I know my boyfriend, personally, finds this a very very hard and painful situation. I find with us, at least, that open, non-angry, deep conversation on how we both really feel really helps us with love and understanding.
Please let me know how it goes :).
September 26, 2014 at 4:16 am #65602
- This reply was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by Kirsten.
Also, just watching this video for myself and this totally reminded me of what you were saying about the lessons 🙂 you had to learn in the situation and ehcoes my thoughts up above 🙂
Same teacher again, but she’s a good’un 🙂 :P!September 26, 2014 at 3:11 am #65601
Hi Sandy :)!!
Right, so two friends have cut contact with you because they feel you are ‘not a good friend’, they feel hurt and uncared for – and now you are feeling shitty about being surrounded by people you consider selfish or sketchy? In some way, are they not mirroring back to you something about how you are as a friend? And that you yourself should provide more love and care. Not to say, that these friends who have broken away from you are angels who can do not wrong, I am sure they have been bad friends in their own way as well but I think this is signifying to you something about yourself and how you behave in relationships.
In my own experience. I have had a friend who to me has been constantly critical, to the point where I don’t want to be friends with this person. But the problems in that relationship, I also seen are my own as well. I have sometimes ‘ganged up’ on her sarcastically in front of others and behaved unkindly. So that says something about me as a friend and I need to take responsibility. If we want to attract better friendships, we have to be more worthy friends ourselves. We have to take responsibility for the ways in which we are a shitty friend.
I learned to see how I was a shitty friend and how I had been unfair to my friend, and how this had contributed to the rebound of her critical behavior. If a friendship consists of love, kindness and trust; then all these issues would not arise. We have to grow love rather than just receive or take it and both people are responsible for creating the environment in which love and trust can grow. Stop expecting these perfect friends who will bring you happiness and kinds of great things, while massively underestimating what you need to give. It’s so important to give; genuine love and kindness brings it back. Personally in personal relationships, I have struggled with some resentment, anger and unfulfillment; but recently I have started to do loving kindness meditations; which have been really amazing. As a result, I feel more love for myself (so need less form others), but most importantly, I can REALLY give people love, which was lacking because of the focus on my ego/self – as in before, I focused on my wants and needs being met and the resentment and pain and anger when they weren’t. But I mean why do I deserve masses of love and fun for no reason other than that I am ‘awesome’? Why should I get them when I can only minimally give them?
You have to balance the ego, self-drives with a focus for loving kindness on others or you will be unfulfilled in relationships. Loving kindness meditation helps us to bring up a store of love to give, and makes us way more open and likely to receive that love back.
We need to use meditation to see where we go wrong and act the bad friend in our relationships; we will see he rebounding effects on our life far more easily and be willing to change and humble ourselves. Sitting, insight meditation is a great tool into understanding relationships.
As well as taking responsibility for yourself, you shouldn’t bother with friends like this, if you feel that their behavior is not changeable and negatively effects you. I have a group of friends, who are pretty fun, but they constantly bitch about one another, and by being that group I am less happy and become more bitchy myself. So I have to take responsibility for myself, and know I deserve loving, respectful friends. If they aren’t in that environment; can you need reach out to other environments until you find good, caring friends? Like when I was growing up, none of my friends were in my home town – they were a couple of towns away… I think it’s about keeping in mind what you deserve and what you want in your life, as well as taking responsibility for your own behavior.
This is a great talk on the topic :);
Even if you aren’t a Buddhist, the essence of the talk is if you keep the company of bad friends, you become less peaceful, less happy and your character and it’s nobility suffers (which ultimately is a very strong basis of your self and your happiness).
Good luck 🙂June 25, 2014 at 1:11 am #59516
Dear cold stone,
When we do ‘wrong’ action we bring about our own suffering
Towards the very end of his speech, the Dalai Lama says that when we cause the suffering of other beings and when we do not foster compassion for others inside of us we feel very very, alone; we wrap ourselves into a cocoon, isolated from others. Compassion for your husband;for the pain you know you have caused; will bring about happiness, love and compassion in yourself. Until you do this you will feel alone, isolated, cold. Guilt is not the antidote, but compassion and love for a being you have done wrong to will help bring you peace and happiness. We cannot do something harmful without it harming us.
While we all seek our own happiness and lack of suffering; we often step on and over other people in order to get it; but this brings disharmony and unhappiness. You feel alone because of your immoral actions here.I feel compassion for you that you were very probably suffering and this caused you to have an affair. But you cannot run from yourself, your life; this will only make you suffer more.
Until you develop compassion, love; then the lonely feelings (the result of your harmful action) will continue, you will not ever be happy ans peaceful.
Love to you and good luck on your journey, what we do can be made right by neutralising the suffering in ourselves and others, caused by wrong action; this can only be done through OTHER focus, love and compassion. By focusing on the other, our own suffering turns to peace. There is no other way; the self connects to the actions we commit against others.