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lazySnorlax

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  • #359851
    lazySnorlax
    Participant

    Thank you for your insightful replies. I am also starting to work on myself. I have started to follow a schedule and take my life day by day with smaller goals to keep focus. I go out for walks, feed stray dogs, played cricket today with kids etc. I use work as a distraction during weekdays. I know things will be better with time. But I have my low points of the day when I just can’t help but think about her. I start reading those positive affirmations, thanks @victor.

    @tim – alas you couldn’t make it work the second time around. I believe it would have been even more painful ending things second time. But the thing is mind gets stuck on hope and makes castle in the air. One fine day she will be back and she will realize that all this was a mistake and then we’ll live happily ever after. How much ever I try during the day, my mind ends up thinking about her. I know it will take time, but I wish there was a button to just turn off feelingsĀ  šŸ˜€

    @anita – Thanks Anita, I am actually trying to be all into myself now. I have literally blocked every possible way for her to reach me or vice versa. I know one year from today hopefully i will look at this like something that broke up to build me up even better. Something that made me strong and allowed me to live for myself and content with me. I now this journey wouldn’t be easy but I am looking forward to it. I will try to be as mellow and as humble as possible. One of my friends with whom I had a long chat today, tried to push me towards hating my ex-girlfriend. He told that it’d help, and whatever she did is completely wrong and unfair. Hatred towards her will help you move on. But I just can’t accept hating her, in fact I hate the feeling of even thinking about her that way no matter what she has pushed us through. For I know that even she is hurt, how much ever she tries to act like a stone in front of me now by keeping distance. Deep down I know even she is sad. I haven’t seen or even heard her voice in like months now thanks to quarantine and breakup, but I know, I just know that it is equally difficult for her too. And for that reason instead of hate I actually feel sad for what could’ve been done to spare her this pain. May be if things were different we both wouldn’t have to go through this. That same friend even told me that I should start looking for someone else, but I don’t think I am ready for that yet.

    #359349
    lazySnorlax
    Participant

    Thanks anita for your response, I am back for an update.

    @anita – The best thing I like about Snorlax is it’s gracefulness. It is a mellow pokemon, but that does not necessarily make it weak. Snorlax is at the top, for most powerful pokemon in Generation 1. But the way Snorlax lives, it doesn’t require validation from others. All that snorlax cares about is eating and sleeping, but when times come it can put up a hell of a fight.

    Now onto the ‘ex’-girlfriend, we are not talking, but the issue with me is I am not able to get her out of my mind. We have a close group of friends and hence a WhatsApp group, where we speak. And it would be highly impossible task to leave that group since we are all very close. And every time I do something it feels like I end up needing validation from her in some way or the other. I feel happy when she likes my Instagram posts. I feel that impulse in me whenever I see her name pop up anywhere. My mind just keeps thinking about the ‘what if’ ‘s. I was never such kind of a person, I am surprised at myself as to how needy and weak I have become emotionally, having no control on my actions. I was never like this before this relationship. I have tried to distract my self a lot, office work is actually best possible distraction. But there are brief moments, for example I wake up with that sense of sadness, I go to sleep with that grief that I have lost her. I miss her a lot, I wish it was easy to block someone from our minds like it is easy on social media. It feels like I am not healing, any advice to overcome such thoughts and cut her out completely?

    I went through a lot of threads on this forum trying to find people who were in same situation like me, but I ended up hoping to find a thread where the girlfriend got back together. It is not healing, my mind is just trying to find hope in some way or the other and I hate this feeling.

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 6 days ago by lazySnorlax. Reason: Spell check
    #358951
    lazySnorlax
    Participant

    Thank you all for your wonderful advice and time. Let me first start by apologizing for delayed response. I decided to detox myself from electronicĀ  devices and internet for some time. I am feeling much better health wise, sleep is good 4-5 hours per night without the need of sleep mouthpiece. She is the last person on my mind when I go to sleep and I wake up with thoughts of her.Ā  I try to keep her out of my mind during the day and will strive till the the I feel indifferent by her. She has tried to keep contact sending me random posts on instagram and on our whatsapp group and I replied as well at times, last I talked to her seriously this morning after a few days of ‘personal-talk’ break and made it completely clear that she was ending the relationship and I wasn’t happy with her one sided decision. I told her it would be good for my mental health and healing that we don’t talk to each other for sometime. She can contact me when she changes her mind if at all.

    I hope I can pick myself out of this rut, and I hope no one ever has to go through something like this. I feel so completely lost. Thank you people on this forum for this support. I will try to help other people as well on this forum and try to keep this thread updated with my progress. Writing it out at some place really helps.

    @anita – The ‘snor’ in my name is from my favorite pokemon ‘Snorlax’Ā  šŸ˜€

    #358554
    lazySnorlax
    Participant

    I couldn’t sleep for 3-4 days, and unable to eat properly that made me very weak. Plus this one night I just couldn’t breathe, I tried sleeping but I woke up with choking feeling, hallucinations and constant headache. Turns out I have ‘obstructive sleep apnea’, currently undergoing medication for it. Doctor has suggested me some yoga poses and sleep positions along with medication at bed time. Chicken pox was 2 weeks before break up, and yeah ambulance was because of the breakup stress and me being unable to breathe due to apnea and like a panic attack, this was after a total week of devastation for my body. During that week was the begging phase, yeah I know it sounds petty, but in that state of mind I was just trying to reason with her and trying to fix things. I really love her a lot, like I know I’d regret giving it up and she was in that same mindset too, she loves me a lot too at least that’s what she told me for these years. All the promises seems blatant lies now. That I was just used, for 3 years during college, academically and financially.Ā  Accusing came out of frustration, why would someone throw a beautiful 3 year bond away, everyone faces problems. We have faced problems in the past, she was standing with me through them.

    She never gave me one reason, it was a mixed bag. It was like she herself wasn’t sure, here I was trying to fix things. She was just trying to end it. No matter what reasoning or solutions I gave. Every door was closed. 2020 has been bad for me mentally and physically.

    She accused me of not being able to ‘console’ her, well I was always there with her by her side when she used to have break downs and cried, no matter whether it was because of her family or work place. I always told her that work pressure is a useless burden, what happens with your boss does’t matter once you step out of office. According to me workplace tension is a trivial thing. I don’t see why someone would cry over it, but here she was everyday breaking down in front of me. I never knew what to do when she cried on my shoulder, I tried to make her understand that her boss’s validation isn’t necessary for happiness and that it doesn’t matter, she had me and her family. It always felt like I was being blamed for her not being good at the job. I am kind of an aloof guy and had never cried before that I can remember of. And my way of consoling would be speaking out my feelings which were always aloof and how I ignored my work pressure outside of office. You can think of me more like cross between Sheldon Cooper and Chandler Bing, if you get the referenceĀ  šŸ˜€

    Thanks for taking the time to read my story.

    • This reply was modified 4 weeks, 1 day ago by lazySnorlax.
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