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Girlfriend broke up with me to find ‘herself’

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  • #358500
    lazySnorlax
    Participant

    In short: She broke up with me when I asked her for a long term commitment after three years of being in the relationship. She said she checked out and had been thinking about it for over 2 months, and that she is already moved on and happy with her decision. This gave rise to a big argument. She gave me multiple reasons:

    1] Told me she didn’t see her in married life and wanted to be single forever. I was okay moving to her place after marriage/live-in or whatever so that she can be with her mom, she is very close to her.

    2] She is breaking up with me to find ‘herself’ and that she is confused about our relationship. She needs time to be single and work on her own.

    3] She said she felt ‘unloved’ in the relationship and it will hurt her to continue it further. [I wasn’t communicative enough during quarantine just chatting on whatsapp thanks to my job and chicken pox, I agree I am kind of aloof by nature. But she liked it, I was the funny me with her. ]

    4] Then added that she is sorry that after 3 years she realized this and that it is her decision and that she is being selfish and that there is nothing I can do to change it, it is over.

    5] All this time during the week I was trying to convince her to reconsider. She is very close to her parents and that they didn’t approve her dating me or anyone.

    Long story: Let me tell you the entire story, we had been together for 3 years. It started during the first year of the masters degree, she proposed me. Told me that she liked me, and it was an awesome run for two years, then we got into our jobs and sourness started arising. She told that in the last one year she has felt ‘unloved’ in the relationship. That the more she loves me, the less she loves herself and she feels pathetic for it. And I agree due to different jobs we had started to grow apart but the way I looked at it, we were growing. We still went out on dates and stuff, just that we weren’t together all day like we were in college.

    Since the quarantine started our communication reduced, I thought this was an already difficult time. For me I had to go through chicken pox, family pressures, office work load etc. I agree I didn’t communicate well during the pandemic. I noticed change and confronted her on last Thursday, and hell breaks lose. She said she wanted to take a break, to find herself, that she is confused that there is even a future!

    I asked her to decide once and for all, I was in it for marriage. She told me she doesn’t want to marry ever, she never saw herself in that married life and wanted to enjoy her life. It is not like I was asking her to marry me tomorrow, I just wanted a commitment about being with her in the long term, no matter we marry, live-in or not. Things grew heated, I told her to stop playing with me. I asked her genuinely whether this was about some other guy if at all?
    She got even more angry, past differences came up. She told me I was never there to ‘console her for her emotions’. Guess what it has been so since day one, that’s my nature. She knew what she was getting into, I am like Chandler basically (If you understand Friends reference, not good at advice but offering sarcastic comments). I was blamed for making her feel unloved, not consoling her and many things. I just had one thing to say at that time, if there was so much negativity in her mind, why didn’t she tell me about it. The response was that I was supposed to know it. Stopped talking after that, Monday I texted her again. begged her to reconsider. Tuesday again sent her long emails about how good we were in the past and that now that we know about our problems we could start working on them. She was firm and told me that she is choosing herself over me, she was okay being blamed and being the b*tch. All in all there wasn’t ever a particular reason why she broke up with me, at first she told it was about marriage, then about the fact that I wasn’t good at communicating, then about the issue with me not being there to console her etc. I love her a lot. Can’t even explain how much. We had such good moments during our relationship. She was the one, I was ready to fight for her as much as possible, thus the begging for 3 days.

    My side of the story, I couldn’t sleep for the last 7 days, went to the doctor in an ambulance because of heavy breathing and hallucinations. Last I talked to her was Friday, I just vent it out in a long message, about how she had commitment issues and that it is okay for her to have emotions but I was being punished for not being able to console her. The fact that I was ready to change so many things about me, we decided I’d move to her place after marriage just so that she can be with her parents. She is the only child and she didn’t want to leave her parents alone so, I was ready to leave mine for her. That’s how real it was from my side, I was ready to compromise. In the past she has been in two relationships and those two guys had dumped her for being too emotional.

    She told me she wanted to stay friends I have kind of agreed to talk in whatsapp groups and when in our friends circle, because she is literally the only one I talk to. But I said no to personal talks, we could be like acquaintances, and have been in no contact since a few days, I have made my peace with it, but it seems like everything I do is in some hope of getting her back. Hoping of reconciliation. And it is difficult, I literally have no one to talk to about his.

    ———————

    It feels nice to write all this down somewhere I already feel a little lighter. Sorry for the long post, I don’t know if anyone will read this, but I seriously hope some day she will be back and that this was just a hasty decision from her side, she said she still loves me but she has realized that the more she loves me the less she loves herself. And that she isn’t sure about future. I feel like she just used me for 3 years but I want to not believe these feelings and hope that it wasn’t so. Because I saw that true love in her too.

    Is it wrong to have hope? If not please can someone help me kill it. Because I for sure know this hope will kill me and affect me for a long time. Quarantine makes it 1000x difficult.

    #358532
    anita
    Participant

    Dear lazySnorlax:

    You shared that at the beginning of your 3 years relationship, you and your girlfriend spent a lot of time together, but less time after college, and then even less time since the quarantine started: “Since the quarantine started our communication reduced.. I noticed change and confronted her on last Thursday, and hell breaks loose. She said she wanted to take a break, to find herself, that she is confused”.

    For a week or so, you tried to convince her to reconsider, arguing at times, asserting that you want some commitment from her, not necessarily getting married or living together, but a commitment “abut being with her in the long term”, accusing her of maybe being interested in another man, accusing her of playing with your feelings, and at other times begging her to reconsider.

    She told you that she checked out of the relationship two months earlier, that she needs to be single forever, that she felt unloved by you (“the more she loves me, the less she loves herself and she feels pathetic for it”), that you didn’t console her when she felt badly, that she is confused by the relationship, that she is sorry it took her three years to figure she doesn’t want to be in the relationship, that she is selfish, and that “she is already moved on and happy with her decision”, that there is nothing you can do to change her decision, and “it is over”.

    In the week since she broke up with you, you couldn’t sleep and you “went to the doctor in an ambulance because of heavy breathing and hallucinations”.

    You wrote: “It feels nice to write all this down somewhere I already feel a little lighter. Sorry for the long post, I don’t know if anyone will read this”- I am reading your post and I am inviting you to post again anytime you want to, any length of post and I will read what you post.

    My thoughts about what you shared: it is not a good idea to argue with a woman who decided to break up with you, it only makes things worse. Talking with her calmly about her decision, asking for information about what she felt during the relationship, what she was unhappy with, why she broke up with you, what she plans to do now.. all these are fine, but having heated conversations like the ones you had with her, cannot give you the accurate information that you need, nor is it likely to cause her to reconsider her decision.

    Begging her is also not helpful. Begging may bring about charity, not love.

    You mentioned being taken to the doctor in an ambulance after the breakup and suffering from hallucinations: was that  a result of  you being sick with the chicken pox during quarantine, and how are you feeling now???

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by anita.
    #358554
    lazySnorlax
    Participant

    I couldn’t sleep for 3-4 days, and unable to eat properly that made me very weak. Plus this one night I just couldn’t breathe, I tried sleeping but I woke up with choking feeling, hallucinations and constant headache. Turns out I have ‘obstructive sleep apnea’, currently undergoing medication for it. Doctor has suggested me some yoga poses and sleep positions along with medication at bed time. Chicken pox was 2 weeks before break up, and yeah ambulance was because of the breakup stress and me being unable to breathe due to apnea and like a panic attack, this was after a total week of devastation for my body. During that week was the begging phase, yeah I know it sounds petty, but in that state of mind I was just trying to reason with her and trying to fix things. I really love her a lot, like I know I’d regret giving it up and she was in that same mindset too, she loves me a lot too at least that’s what she told me for these years. All the promises seems blatant lies now. That I was just used, for 3 years during college, academically and financially.  Accusing came out of frustration, why would someone throw a beautiful 3 year bond away, everyone faces problems. We have faced problems in the past, she was standing with me through them.

    She never gave me one reason, it was a mixed bag. It was like she herself wasn’t sure, here I was trying to fix things. She was just trying to end it. No matter what reasoning or solutions I gave. Every door was closed. 2020 has been bad for me mentally and physically.

    She accused me of not being able to ‘console’ her, well I was always there with her by her side when she used to have break downs and cried, no matter whether it was because of her family or work place. I always told her that work pressure is a useless burden, what happens with your boss does’t matter once you step out of office. According to me workplace tension is a trivial thing. I don’t see why someone would cry over it, but here she was everyday breaking down in front of me. I never knew what to do when she cried on my shoulder, I tried to make her understand that her boss’s validation isn’t necessary for happiness and that it doesn’t matter, she had me and her family. It always felt like I was being blamed for her not being good at the job. I am kind of an aloof guy and had never cried before that I can remember of. And my way of consoling would be speaking out my feelings which were always aloof and how I ignored my work pressure outside of office. You can think of me more like cross between Sheldon Cooper and Chandler Bing, if you get the reference  😀

    Thanks for taking the time to read my story.

    • This reply was modified 4 weeks, 1 day ago by lazySnorlax.
    #358556
    anita
    Participant

    Dear lazySnorkax:

    The Mayoclinic. org website reads: “Obstructive sleep apnea.. causes breathing to repeatedly stop and start during sleep.. your throat muscles intermittently relax and block your airway during sleep. A noticeable sign of obstruction sleep apnea is snoring”. (Is this the “Snor” in your username?) “.. One treatment involves using a device that uses positive pressure to keep your airway open while you sleep. Another option is a mouthpiece to thrust your lower jaw forward during sleep. In some cases, surgery may  be an option too”-

    – if you didn’t discuss the device and mouthpiece mentioned in the website (the italicized), ask your doctor about it.

    I understand that you feel very strongly about your now ex girlfriend. Maybe she will change her mind, maybe she will feel love for you again, but you can’t make it happen, it has to happen for her without any pressure from you.

    You wrote that she told you that she loves you or years, and you suggested that it may have been a lie. I don’t think it’s likely that she lied, I think it’s very likely that she really felt love for you. One factor to consider as to why she stopped feeling that love is the pandemic and lockdowns- there is  a feeling of the end of the world for many people emotionally withdraw as a result.

    You wrote: “2020 has been bad for me mentally and physically”- yes, it has been for so many of us. For her too. Maybe that’s why she emotionally withdrew from you.

    It will be bad for you and for her if you beg her, pressure her, argue with her, try to reason with her etc. If you love her, don’t do these things to her. And if she loves you, she will let you know on her time. Be patient, calm down best you can, ask your doctors about that device and mouthpiece, and post here anytime.

    anita

     

    #358621
    Bill
    Participant

    Snorlax –

    You won’t follow this advice…I have worked with college and high school students for years and they never follow advice…but you need to let her drop out of your life. Don’t call her, don’t message her or send social media stuff – you know, completely cut off all communication. In fact, you should go out with someone else, even if it’s just as friends.

    If she contacts you later, perhaps the relationship has a shot. If she doesn’t, you’re better off. Learn from this experience and grow from it. It will make your next relationship stronger.

    I

    #358951
    lazySnorlax
    Participant

    Thank you all for your wonderful advice and time. Let me first start by apologizing for delayed response. I decided to detox myself from electronic  devices and internet for some time. I am feeling much better health wise, sleep is good 4-5 hours per night without the need of sleep mouthpiece. She is the last person on my mind when I go to sleep and I wake up with thoughts of her.  I try to keep her out of my mind during the day and will strive till the the I feel indifferent by her. She has tried to keep contact sending me random posts on instagram and on our whatsapp group and I replied as well at times, last I talked to her seriously this morning after a few days of ‘personal-talk’ break and made it completely clear that she was ending the relationship and I wasn’t happy with her one sided decision. I told her it would be good for my mental health and healing that we don’t talk to each other for sometime. She can contact me when she changes her mind if at all.

    I hope I can pick myself out of this rut, and I hope no one ever has to go through something like this. I feel so completely lost. Thank you people on this forum for this support. I will try to help other people as well on this forum and try to keep this thread updated with my progress. Writing it out at some place really helps.

    @anita – The ‘snor’ in my name is from my favorite pokemon ‘Snorlax’  😀

    #358958
    anita
    Participant

    Dear  lazySnorlax:

    You are welcome. Now I know, Snorlax is a Pokémon, and your favorite Pokémon. I googled and read that he is often found in mountains and forests (where I live, I’ll keep my eyes open). He wakes up only to eat, eats 900 pounds/ 400 kg of food every day, eats and goes back to its slumber. Not a picky eater, having a strong stomach, he eats thorny plants and even Muk, which is a !large, sticky, amorphous Pokémon made of living purples sludge! I read more.. fascinating! What do you like best about Snorlax, I wonder???

    Good thing you asserted yourself with your ex girlfriend, and you did an excellent job at it (“I told her it would be good for my mental health and healing that we don’t talk to each other for sometime. She can contact me when she changes her mind if at all”).

    I am looking forward to your next update/ your next post.

    anita

    #359349
    lazySnorlax
    Participant

    Thanks anita for your response, I am back for an update.

    @anita – The best thing I like about Snorlax is it’s gracefulness. It is a mellow pokemon, but that does not necessarily make it weak. Snorlax is at the top, for most powerful pokemon in Generation 1. But the way Snorlax lives, it doesn’t require validation from others. All that snorlax cares about is eating and sleeping, but when times come it can put up a hell of a fight.

    Now onto the ‘ex’-girlfriend, we are not talking, but the issue with me is I am not able to get her out of my mind. We have a close group of friends and hence a WhatsApp group, where we speak. And it would be highly impossible task to leave that group since we are all very close. And every time I do something it feels like I end up needing validation from her in some way or the other. I feel happy when she likes my Instagram posts. I feel that impulse in me whenever I see her name pop up anywhere. My mind just keeps thinking about the ‘what if’ ‘s. I was never such kind of a person, I am surprised at myself as to how needy and weak I have become emotionally, having no control on my actions. I was never like this before this relationship. I have tried to distract my self a lot, office work is actually best possible distraction. But there are brief moments, for example I wake up with that sense of sadness, I go to sleep with that grief that I have lost her. I miss her a lot, I wish it was easy to block someone from our minds like it is easy on social media. It feels like I am not healing, any advice to overcome such thoughts and cut her out completely?

    I went through a lot of threads on this forum trying to find people who were in same situation like me, but I ended up hoping to find a thread where the girlfriend got back together. It is not healing, my mind is just trying to find hope in some way or the other and I hate this feeling.

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 6 days ago by lazySnorlax. Reason: Spell check
    #359353
    anita
    Participant

    Dear lazySnorlax:

    I will read and reply to your recent post when I am back to the computer, within a few hours from now.

    anita

    #359364
    anita
    Participant

    Dear lazySnorlax:

    The best thing you like about Snorlax is that it he is graceful. I imagine it means that you like it about yourself, being graceful. And I imagine you like to be mellow too, like Snorlax (knowing that mellow does not mean weak, as he is the most powerful Pokémon in Generation 1), and that he doesnt require validation from others?

    You wrote regarding your ex girlfriend: “every time I do something it feels like I end up needing validation from her in some way or the other.. I feel happy when she likes my Instagram posts”, and you feel “needy and weak” in regard to her.

    “It feels like I am not healing, any advice to overcome such thoughts and cut her out completely?.. my mind is just trying to find hope in some way or the other and I hate this feeling”-

    – try to not hate any of your feelings, try to have a Snorlax-like mellow attitude about whatever you feel at any one time. Also, feeling weak does not mean being weak. It takes strength to endure the feeling of weakness instead of trying to run away from the feeling, or try to cut out the feeling completely.

    Don’t hate your need for validation, everyone needs to be validated. Don’t hate any of your feelings. Be at peace with yourself, best you can.. like Snorlax, he is gracefully at peace with himself.

    anita

     

    #359689
    victor
    Participant

    I have been through the same phase in the past. A year ago, my girlfriend left me saying that she needed time to figure out things in her life.

    She was looking for a job and said that because of the relationship she couldn’t focus.

    So, she wanted a breakup. It was painful. I couldn’t sleep for months. I felt week and alone.

    This went for months.

    Then I decided, I cannot keep crying over past.

    So, I changed things for me…

    I started working out. Started hitting gym. Went on a bike trip with friends.

    Did everything that I couldn’t do when I was in the relationship.

    Started reading positive affirmations. They were really helpful.

     

    Just know that all this is temporary. And one day you will over come all this. And things will be normal again.

     

    #359758
    Tim
    Participant

    Hi Lazysnorlax,

    I’ve been in a very similar situation where my ex wanted to focus on her own goals and thought the relationship restricted her. We separated but I eventually got her back. However the same reasons and patterns repeated themselves. I treated this woman with the utmost respect, catered to all her needs and was flexible. Yet she never once said I love you or stopped to think, how she could meet my needs. A very selfish way to be in a relationship if all you do is take and not have any responsibility or regard for your partners needs. This meant despite my love for her, her and I were never the right fit. I made some foolish mistakes by leaving my job, putting a deposit down etc. So please so not lose yourself or sink yourself because it is so easy to spiral out of control when you have a person on a pedestal. As Victor suggested move on, work on yourself and don’t hold out hope for someone who couldn’t provide you with what you needed when the time came and instead chose to walk away. It comes from loving yourself first.

    Tim

    #359851
    lazySnorlax
    Participant

    Thank you for your insightful replies. I am also starting to work on myself. I have started to follow a schedule and take my life day by day with smaller goals to keep focus. I go out for walks, feed stray dogs, played cricket today with kids etc. I use work as a distraction during weekdays. I know things will be better with time. But I have my low points of the day when I just can’t help but think about her. I start reading those positive affirmations, thanks @victor.

    @tim – alas you couldn’t make it work the second time around. I believe it would have been even more painful ending things second time. But the thing is mind gets stuck on hope and makes castle in the air. One fine day she will be back and she will realize that all this was a mistake and then we’ll live happily ever after. How much ever I try during the day, my mind ends up thinking about her. I know it will take time, but I wish there was a button to just turn off feelings  😀

    @anita – Thanks Anita, I am actually trying to be all into myself now. I have literally blocked every possible way for her to reach me or vice versa. I know one year from today hopefully i will look at this like something that broke up to build me up even better. Something that made me strong and allowed me to live for myself and content with me. I now this journey wouldn’t be easy but I am looking forward to it. I will try to be as mellow and as humble as possible. One of my friends with whom I had a long chat today, tried to push me towards hating my ex-girlfriend. He told that it’d help, and whatever she did is completely wrong and unfair. Hatred towards her will help you move on. But I just can’t accept hating her, in fact I hate the feeling of even thinking about her that way no matter what she has pushed us through. For I know that even she is hurt, how much ever she tries to act like a stone in front of me now by keeping distance. Deep down I know even she is sad. I haven’t seen or even heard her voice in like months now thanks to quarantine and breakup, but I know, I just know that it is equally difficult for her too. And for that reason instead of hate I actually feel sad for what could’ve been done to spare her this pain. May be if things were different we both wouldn’t have to go through this. That same friend even told me that I should start looking for someone else, but I don’t think I am ready for that yet.

    #359856
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Snorlax:

    Your friend tried to help you, and he did help you figure out what you don’t want to do: you don’t want to hate her, and you don’t to look for another woman, not at this time, not for as long as you are not ready to do so. What you expressed regarding your ex girlfriend is a lot of empathy, and this is quite exceptional in my experience: feeling empathy for the person who broke up with you. I am impressed that you are able and willing to go the empathy route instead of the hate route.

    anita

     

    #360258
    Tim
    Participant

    @Lazysnorlax, I will not lie, a few years down the line she did come back. However, I had grown, done the work on myself to realise it was not a healthy relationship. I chose then to walk away.   I’m in a much healthier relationship now. So do not give up, take time, and realise what you deserve. Reading you didn’t want to conjure hate for her is a testament to how much you love her. She lost out, not you. Go live and find someone who will love you in the same way.

    Tim

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