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Maddy

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  • #313879
    Maddy
    Participant

    Hi PS,

    While I respect the previous advice to break-up, I would suggest you to go and meet their parents with family once. Strategic attempt 🙂

    A lot of times that will kind of ease out things, and when you meet tell them that you came casually and not necessarily pushing for a marriage, if they do not like you and you do not like hurting elders.

    Most caste issues are only with middle class and upper middle class, the lower and higher classes do not care as long as the economics match with the 2 families !

    There is a 50-50 chance that it will be favorable. It is a psychology that sometimes when you meet people and their families the other side has a chance to believe that you are not trying to “steal” their son but rather it is a mutual compromise.

    Have the guts to take that risk. While you meet tell upfront that it is a customary meeting to apologize for the confusions that the affair created and you do not want to pursue it at the cost of hurting elders (this is a trick)

    After you break up ask the guy to say he does not want marriage and let it go like this for up to 1 year. Parents will start realizing that you are not a bad deal and start giving up.

    This caste bullshit, like I said, is only with middle and upper middle classes. Lower and Upper classes do not care. Unfortunately, India is made of 75-80% of them.

    If they are rude, hostile or unwelcoming of the attempt to meet or you guys visiting them, and/or stubborn even after 1 year, and the guy is unwilling to hurt the family’s sentiments, then you have no choice other than to move on.

    Good Luck!

    #223927
    Maddy
    Participant

    Thank you @anita.. I understand…just that I am finding it difficult to digest it. BTW on the cheating, I am no good either. What I did to my wife is the same 🙁

    I am glad I still have my marriage. Thank you once again!

    #223879
    Maddy
    Participant

    I love my mother…a lot and we are close. My wife and kids love her as well. My childhood had been good with her and my grandmother. They took great care of us. I have elder sisters as well. (I wish I can go back to those days, grew up in a hamlet) Mom has heart issues and had to undergo a surgery last winter. I moved back only because of that reason to extend some support. She lives with us for the most part of the year now, unless she has somethings to take care of in the hometown.

    Going back to the original issue, G is egoistic, doesn’t message me unless I do. She withdrew from me I didn’t. But I am pretty sure if I ask why she is silent, she will blame me for not pinging. What hurts me is G reached out always if she likes to do so. She even said “Sorry for being up your a$$” a few times. Suddenly if familiarity has bred contempt, she does not need me :'(

    I realize G does it because I am “one” of those tools for fun for her. But she used to be everything for me. I wish I have not met her again…not like this…not like this.

    I am a speck of dust in her window, she is a lonely start in my sky…hmm…

    I hope god gives me the attitude to be brave, have some self-respect and I move on… Thanks.

     

     

    #223849
    Maddy
    Participant

    Thanks @anita.

    I consider the fact that I did not re-pursue G after I came to know that G’s love did not end in marrying him in 2003-2004 (that is when I came to know) was an ego-driven bad decision…G is an egoist than me so she did not initiate anything though we met 3-4 times in 2004/2005.

    I consider that as a lost opportunity, but I did not want to put my self-respect at risk by asking her again. I am not that much of an egoist as G for sure. Otherwise I would not be initiating conversations and longing.

    I am guessing, she being in a happy marriage and the fact that I am just another one of her admirers in her life, being able to do all the things she did with me and said to me, I strongly believe there could be a psychological reasoning…is why I believe G’s deserted possibilities might have taken the revenge and made her do what she did…

    Question: to the aim of not thinking about her –> tell me how. this is the tough part as you agreed. I started spending more time with my kids, wife and talking to my mom already. (not about G, in general)

    #223803
    Maddy
    Participant

    @anita, Thanks for your detailed reply. I completely agree with most of your statements. But for a few things:

    “She never promised you love” — She did when we reconnected in 2014, over phone she said she never knew she loved me that much. Now the love I have for her revitalizes her and help her self-actualize her etc. I think may be she simply liked the fact that someone is loving her like crazy, that is it. do not know…

    In the last 10 months of whats app and phone conversations with G, she kept saying she loves me, she does not want to let me go this time. She loves me like her little one etc.

    I discussed this with my wife and she kind of knows who G is. (Of course I did not tell her about the sexual thing that happened two times, I feel devastated for hiding this from her) My wife is such an angel, she CANNOT lie to me like this.

    My wife is level-headed and not emotionally driven, she said, hey look: I might have a past and I know you have as well, but once married we are committed to each other and so is G. Do not get obsessed with G and if she is not committed means she only want a no-commitment thing from you (and others), means that she is in someway no happy with her husband. (I do not think so, just like me she is happy with her spouse)

    The more I think, the more I have to believe what Esther Perel says about why happy people cheat: “Adultery is the revenge of the deserted possibilities from our past” — What a gem !

    My wife said if I happen to do anything with G and if I want the marriage with my wife to continue do not tell her and she would not tell anything to me as well…I know my wife cannot cheat, she is much more decent and clear than me, should rather quit in case she wants to have another relationship…I feel guilty that I only have a such a messed up past and a messed up mind 🙁

    By now, I figure G was not sincere to me, never intended to be. She just liked the lightning flash of her youth coming back in her late 30s and simply wanted to capitalize on that to feel better. (I would not blame her)

    What I hate is the withdrawal, nothing more than a “good morning” in whats app, acting to be busy.

    This is the most hurtful part: What I once pointed out that the passion has reduced in G and she is not interested in meeting, she has not said “I love you” in a while in person or in whatsapp, this is what she said:

    “Hey, do not try to make me feel guilty and paint a sad picture of yourself. If you do I will run away from relationships” This broke my heart because, G always liked me boing clingy and told me that a few times.

    She liked me pulling her legs and often had told that poky-humor of me is something she loved, then 2-3 months back she said she does not like it and cannot put up with that for life in a really really rude tone!!

    Al makes me believe that G used me for part-time fun and occasional sex and keep me on the sidelines when she is bored of her husband or one of her mates. (one of them she travels with overseas for a few weeks from time to time)

    She herself had told me once that one of those guys is coming so close to her — in a bragging way…

    I know one thing for sure, I HAVE TO STOP CONTACTING and STOP THINKING ABOUT HER.

    But how ?!!!

    #223681
    Maddy
    Participant

    Correction: This is where I started getting confused, THOUGH SHE HAS ALWAYS BEEN EVERYTHING TO ME FOR 22 YEARS, we have met for merely 10 days (~240 hours), if you count it that way…

    #223679
    Maddy
    Participant

    @Mark, thanks for your kind words of wisdom…I will surely focus my everything towards that direction. Eventually, that is what I should do.

    @anita, yes I kind of broke inside that she was able to “cheat” her husband, as opposed to what I have envisioned her character to be, what if I was married to her and if she still did this. This is the point of conflict for me and I started believing she is a habitual cheater. And the feeling there is a high chance that she might have “used” me hurts me so much.

    I would not be this hurt if I had not met her at all. If she was so much to me, not just a physical thing and meant everything romantic that was around me for these 22 years, and now realizing that she used me??!!

    I am unable to swallow the truth and erase my fantasy, dreams, imaginations and the worship I was doing internally.

    She was constantly on whatsapp with me and spoke at least once a day for the past 8-9 months. Our offices are close-by and we met almost every other day for coffee. After this physical episode over a period of 2 months, she decided to dump me?!!

    Hurts!!!!!

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