September 23, 2019 at 3:57 am #313699PSParticipant
The reason I am here is that I am in dire need of advice. And, even though, somewhere in my heart I know what I might have to do, I feel I should ask the world. So, here goes:
I am a 28 year old Indian woman. I am in love with a guy who I have known for 3 years now, though we have been dating for a little less than a year. Even then, I feel a very strong connection we him. He is kind, honest, caring, and deeply loves me. We have been thinking about getting married, but we are from different castes and different parts of the country, and his parents are completely against our marriage. The conversations started with a lot of emotional blackmail from his parents, and we almost broke up once due to the same. He has been fighting with them for months now, but to no avail. Now, things have gotten so bad, that his parents are no longer talking to him. Their stance is “do what you want, we don’t want to be a part of that”, with bouts of suicide threats and other types of emotional blackmail.
On some level, I expected him to stand against them and get married with or without their approval. But he says he would never do that, and asks me to wait (patiently). Honestly, I do not want to get married in circumstances where his parents would be unhappy, because then we would be unhappy, but I certainly cannot wait indefinitely.
My mother knows about him, and has met him. While she initially approved of the relationship, she has also become vary and has started suggesting that I leave him (before he inevitably leaves me) and marry according to their wishes (my parents are quite liberal and aren’t forcing anything on me. She just wants me to consider other guys and move on with my life). Also, being an Indian woman who is 28 already, they (my parents) feel it is imperative that I get married within the year.
I have dated before, and know through experience that it isn’t easy to find love. And, while I am willing to wait and stand by him, he is not willing to give me a commitment that if his parents continue having the same reaction, at some point he would just go ahead and marry me. I love him a lot, but this behavior is making me insecure and unhappy. What should I do?
(Sorry for the long post)September 23, 2019 at 5:20 am #313707SParticipant
Join the club sister!
Break up! Btw, this is not coming from a broken heart. This guy though fought for you but didn’t eventually commit. If you’re one of those people who don’t succumb to societal pressure then stay with him, back him up! If not, parting ways is the only solution. I know it’s hard, I’m going through the same thing and my boyfriend didn’t even fight for me. You can read my post. You’re 28 and according to Indian parents should’ve already been married now with 2 kids! You can’t wait forever for him to commit. You said you wouldn’t want to get married to him in these circumstances. Unhappy in-laws would lead to your unhappy married lives! And what I’m getting from your post is these parents are not the ones who’d give up. It’s not happening! They don’t care whether their son is happy now, all they care about the power!September 23, 2019 at 12:58 pm #313829anitaParticipant
“Another Indian parents against love marriage post”- and indeed there are so many of these stories, including here if you go back in pages of recorded threads.
The good thing is that you have been dating him for less than a year- less of a waste of time than let’s say a woman who dates a man for many years.
These are the indications that dating him is indeed waste of your time if marriage is your goal:
1. “his parents are completely against our marriage”.
2. “a lot of emotional blackmail from his parents… with bouts of suicide threats”- his parents are committed to win their fight against him marrying you, willing to fight dirty.
3. I expected him to .. get married with or without their approval. But he says he would never do that”- he says he would never do that!
You wrote: “I know through experience that it isn’t easy to find love”- but it is was less easy, or .. way more difficult for “Indian parents against love marriage” to give in to their son’s desire for a love marriage, this is why this is one story out of.. thousands happening as I type this, maybe tens of thousands.
I hope you post again with your thoughts and experience.
anitaSeptember 23, 2019 at 9:53 pm #313879MaddyParticipant
While I respect the previous advice to break-up, I would suggest you to go and meet their parents with family once. Strategic attempt 🙂
A lot of times that will kind of ease out things, and when you meet tell them that you came casually and not necessarily pushing for a marriage, if they do not like you and you do not like hurting elders.
Most caste issues are only with middle class and upper middle class, the lower and higher classes do not care as long as the economics match with the 2 families !
There is a 50-50 chance that it will be favorable. It is a psychology that sometimes when you meet people and their families the other side has a chance to believe that you are not trying to “steal” their son but rather it is a mutual compromise.
Have the guts to take that risk. While you meet tell upfront that it is a customary meeting to apologize for the confusions that the affair created and you do not want to pursue it at the cost of hurting elders (this is a trick)
After you break up ask the guy to say he does not want marriage and let it go like this for up to 1 year. Parents will start realizing that you are not a bad deal and start giving up.
This caste bullshit, like I said, is only with middle and upper middle classes. Lower and Upper classes do not care. Unfortunately, India is made of 75-80% of them.
If they are rude, hostile or unwelcoming of the attempt to meet or you guys visiting them, and/or stubborn even after 1 year, and the guy is unwilling to hurt the family’s sentiments, then you have no choice other than to move on.