Forum Replies Created
October 22, 2019 at 4:04 am #319085
I’ve been doing great! I waited 3 weeks for this guy to let me know what he actually wants, he never contacted me so I finally asked him to go F himself and I have never been more proud of myself. He said he knew he screwed up and he didn’t contact me because he was feeling guilty. That was my closure. Since then, I’ve been on a path of recovery. I’m doing extremely well. I’m happy. There are some bad days and I tackle them extremely well. I’ve started enjoying my new job. People here are very nice. I meditate (atleast try) and I’ve also started working out.
It wouldn’t have been possible without you. You’re the first person ever who showed me the reality so thank you so so much!
And David, yes I’m learning. But this particular case is not about if somebody wants to be with me or not. He wants to be with me but he doesn’t have the guts to fight for me. It was a different tale of betrayal.October 3, 2019 at 8:43 am #315779
Yes. That’s true. I can see it clearly now. The least he could’ve done is to man up to me and break up. Its a human decency even if you don’t love anybody.
Anyway, like I said I’ve already started the moving on process. Some days its very hard. I hope it gets easy soon!October 3, 2019 at 8:07 am #315767
Good to hear from you.
1. I am feeling sadistic in the sense that I know he’s suffering there as of now, not because of our relationship but because it’s overwhelming to move to a new place and live there. I’m just happy for myself now.
2. In my view, we were meant to be together. He took care of me and my needs. He even cared for my family. He made me feel wanted and desired. He made me love my body. No other boyfriend has ever done anything of this sorts for me. He didn’t just tell me that he loved me, but he showed it. And that’s why it is hard for me to process his current behaviour.
3. I hope that too!
4. I would’ve chosen him over anything. One hundred percent! I would’ve never agreed to take money from my parents had I known this would mean us breaking up. I’m angry because he knew this day would come and that was his preparation? THAT!? And this is how you face a situation?
5. I did take his words seriously. I did ask him to break up. But he convinced me with I’m neither leaving you, nor my mother. He also reassured me that he would fight for us. He did the classic ‘I swear on my mother’s life’. But he has forgotten all of it. Even when I sent him the screenshots, he didn’t acknowledge.
6. When he was leaving all of a sudden he became skeptical of our relationship. He said IF we survive these two years apart then we’d end up together. Up until this time, we never doubted our relationship. There was never a question of IF WE SURVIVE. He never hinted on this probability. That’s when I realise that it’s all words and no action. He’s just speaking words which he doesn’t mean. And that’s how I ended up here.
7. I now know he doesn’t love me. He must have loved me at some point in his life. But this is not love. I love him though. A little bit maybe. It’ll go with time.
I’m hurt because this guy just fucked off and didn’t look back.October 3, 2019 at 5:58 am #315709
<p style=”text-align: left;”>- wasn’t even considerate enough to text me once</p>
– he lost somebody who LOVED nad CARED for him.
Also I’m being allowed to be sadistic in this situation, right? That’s one of my coping mechanism.October 3, 2019 at 5:53 am #315707
A little update on what I’ve been upto.
It’s been over 10 days since we last talked. The last day I asked him what is happening to us and that we should talk. I wrote him that he should give me a final answer because it’s hard for me living like this. He said he was confused. I offered him a solution. I asked him to talk to his mother and that it’s an opportunity for us that he’s not here since I can go and meet his mother once every two weeks, maybe things would change. I reminded him that he’s the one who said that he’s neither leaving his mom, nor me. I told him how hard it is for me to move on since everything I do here has a memory associated with him. I asked him to call me. He never did. He replied that the place he’s staying doesn’t have a wifi and the phone’s internet package is very expensive there. He also said that it’s not him who’s doing anything wrong, its his parents. I’m still his everything. (And I was like dude, you haven’t even started the fight. How come your parents are the only villains. You didn’t even mention my name. That stupid conversation you had with your mother is the only thing you’ve initiated. I didn’t say these things to him else things would’ve turned ugly). He didn’t cater to any of my other messages. We had fixed 30th September as the judgement day and I waited for his msg, but I never got any. It’s not like he hasn’t been using any internet there. I had seen him online on WhatsApp hundreds of times and he was even considerate enough to text me once. 23rd September was the last time I had messaged him and 25th September was the last day I got any reply from his side. Since then, I’ve deleted his numbers, his photos, his messages. It’s like he never existed. This guy just fucked off! I can’t still wrap my head around the fact that this guy, my best friend, the guy who loved me the most didn’t even bother to check on me or even had the courage to end things. He wasn’t courteous enough to apologise. He just vanished! I know you’re in a different country, it’s hard for you to adjust there but how could you just fucked off from someone’s life like there’s wasn’t anything.
So long story short, I guess I’m still in a relationship. Hahahaha! I’m doing better than I had expected. My tears have dried up, which is good I think. I don’t miss him much. I’m just angry! I don’t miss the good memories, because this shit has completely overpowered that. I’m seeking help from my loved ones. People who genuinely care for me. Whenever I feel like texting him, I write letters in my notepad. There are almost 10 of them. I feel good after writing. I have started concentrating on my job, have joined gym. The only problem is sleep. I haven’t been able to sleep properly which alters my mood. All in all, I’m doing good because I just lost somebody who was coward and didn’t love me but that poor thing lost someone who loved him and cares for him. Alsooooo, I get sadistic pleasures from thinking that I’m doing much much much better than him. I have my support system with me here and I’m doing my dream job!
P.S.- It’s just a phase and it’ll pass!September 23, 2019 at 5:20 am #313707
Join the club sister!
Break up! Btw, this is not coming from a broken heart. This guy though fought for you but didn’t eventually commit. If you’re one of those people who don’t succumb to societal pressure then stay with him, back him up! If not, parting ways is the only solution. I know it’s hard, I’m going through the same thing and my boyfriend didn’t even fight for me. You can read my post. You’re 28 and according to Indian parents should’ve already been married now with 2 kids! You can’t wait forever for him to commit. You said you wouldn’t want to get married to him in these circumstances. Unhappy in-laws would lead to your unhappy married lives! And what I’m getting from your post is these parents are not the ones who’d give up. It’s not happening! They don’t care whether their son is happy now, all they care about the power!September 22, 2019 at 12:21 pm #313603
Thank you so much! I hope I make both of us proud!
Wish me luck! 😀September 22, 2019 at 11:35 am #313587
I’m doing fine. Thank you for the concern. I’m mustering up courage to follow your advice. Maybe I’ll do it in another 1-2 days. Right now, I had this epiphany regarding my job. I was trying my ass off for more than a year to reach where I am today professionally. I’ve gone through phases of rejections and self doubts. And now that I have gotten this big opportunity, I’m flushing it all in gutter for a man! A man who doesn’t give a fuck about me. Since then I’ve been working on my project and have put this guy’s thought on the backseat!
I’ll be fine! 🙂September 22, 2019 at 8:58 am #313557
You’re like light in the dark tunnel! I’m very hurt! The day he was leaving, he sent me a beautiful text. He apologized for hurting me and told me he loves me. The moment he landed there, things haven’t been the same between us. It’s like he’s altogether a different person there! I’ve been very considerate towards his situation and his feelings. I’ve been asking him how is he doing, whether he had his lunch/dinner or not, how’s college and everything. But I haven’t received even 10% of consideration from his side. I know he’s busy but can’t you take out 30 minutes of your life for someone you claimed to love for 15 years!! I keep waiting for his texts because according to me, he’s still my boyfriend. I told him today how much everything reminds me of him! I also asked him to atleast tell me when would he be free so that we could have a talk like two mature adults! But no reply from his side! I deserve some clarity! What kind of sadistic pleasures he’s gaining from all this? He’s starting his college tomorrow and again that would be hectic too. He would never have anytime for me!
How to ease the pain?September 22, 2019 at 8:49 am #313555
We haven’t officially broken up yet! He hasn’t spoken on the topic yet! Nor he talks to me like somebody who’s talking to his girlfriend. There’s no- I love yous and I miss yous. Just casual texting (2-3 msgs). I’ve very considerate regarding his situation but he doesn’t care for me. I don’t like being in this position. He hasn’t set me free yet!September 22, 2019 at 8:36 am #313545
I never thought I’d be writing this to you this soon. This post is not about him now. It’s about me. The reality has hit me now. I’m not able to deal with this. I broke down today and texted him. Lots of texts! He hasn’t replied to any of them. He’s busy moving. He’s finally got a house there.
How to deal with this? How do I cope up with post break up blues? How do I stop myself from texting him like crazy?September 21, 2019 at 10:45 am #313461
I think this whole conversation has given me more clarity than my own boyfriend. My brain has made a decision, I hope the heart follows.
Again, thank you so so much! I’m so glad I stumbled across this website.
I think it would be sometime before I write here again. I’ll keep you posted.September 21, 2019 at 10:07 am #313453
I’m so sorry you had to go through all of this. I hope you’re in better place now and I wish my boyfriend was as strong as you are. Thank you so much for sharing your life with me. It’s so inspiring to see a person being so compassionate and empathetic towards a stranger.
I love this guy and I know even if we do get married, the struggle wouldn’t end there. It would only be the begining. There are certain things that I want from my life like I ant to adopt a child. And I think it wouldn’t be possible if I get married into that family.
I just love and miss this stupid mama’s boy!September 20, 2019 at 10:57 pm #313385
You’re absolutely right on the topic of ownership. That’s the case with majority of the population.
I don’t expect anything from his mother. I don’t know if she’s right or wrong in this whole situation. I only have a problem with the guy. We haven’t discussed this whole situation with clarity. The only conversation we had was on the night he was leaving that too over texts. He doesn’t even know what I’m expecting from him and what I’m planning since I haven’t proposed it yet. I haven’t done that because I feel I’m coming across as desperate and that he should have a plan too. He’s the one that screwed up! He hasn’t touched this topic yet. We are not talking. One text per day that too about how he’s doing.
Though I’ve given him deadline till last of this month but I’m sure his answer would be the same because he doesn’t have any time to think it over or think it through. He’s busy finding home, going to college, meeting new people, is jet lagged.
My question is- Should I explain to him the whole plan and even write him a stupid script so that I get some clarity? Should I spoon feed him everything?September 20, 2019 at 6:52 pm #313371
I’m sorry, I should’ve mentioned this earlier. There are two other things as to why he’s so attached to his mother.
- His mother has back and joint problems. She has had various surgeries and has been in constant pain so much so that she couldn’t even walk properly. And he’s been the one taking her to doctors and everything. His role has been very instrumental in his mother’s well being. (And I ASSUME that’s why maybe she doesn’t like me because she thinks I’m very modern- courtesy green hair. And she wants to find a homely girl for her who can take care of her as well.)
- In India, the girls of the families are married off but the boys bring in daughter-in-laws. The boys continue living in with their parents. And he fears that there’s no one to take care of his parents apart from him. (His father would retire in the next 2-3 years and would then live them.) He feels its solely his duty to provide for his parents. And that’s why he doesn’t want to fight his parents for me because that might mean that he’d have to separate from them.
I don’t have any problem with him taking care of his parents. I don’t want to separate a mother from her child. (It’s a huge deal in India.) The only problem is he’s not even initiating a fight with them. Start the damn conversation! Atleast tell her that I can take care of her too! I have a family too. I know the family values and importance of a family. Both of us are 26 and are in no hurry of getting married. But I can’t wait for him to come back here after 2 years and then talk to his mother and she rejects me eventually. I don’t want to start the moving on process when I’m 28! I know age shouldn’t matter. But I feel my parents and I would succumb to societal pressure. I don’t want to get married to an unknown person and especially not in the process of moving on.
I agreed with him that his mother’s final decision would be binding. But he promised me a fair fight before that. There are variations in his statements now. Last year he told me that he’s neither leaving his mother nor me. This time he said that even after all the fighting, his mother doesn’t agree he would leave me. I told him that he takes the stand of not getting married to anybody else but me, his parents would eventually give up. He’s not ready for this too.
My plan was to make him talk to his mother before he leaves for the U.S. He would talk to her and specifically tell her about me and find out why she dislikes me and to what extent so that we could decide our next step accordingly. But he failed in the first step. He just gave her a hint that we’re dating. His mother then responded that we want somebody with black hair! And that we’re spending a lot on you and hence have certain expectations! That’s it! That was all the big talk! This conversation decided my future! He said had I been standing on my own feet, I would’ve been in a better position to reply to my mother! I can’t risk my future anymore.