September 22, 2019 at 8:44 am #313551
Let your fingers move typing here, instead of typing texts to him. Type and type for the next ten minutes or so, then submit, I will read and reply.
anitaSeptember 22, 2019 at 8:49 am #313555
We haven’t officially broken up yet! He hasn’t spoken on the topic yet! Nor he talks to me like somebody who’s talking to his girlfriend. There’s no- I love yous and I miss yous. Just casual texting (2-3 msgs). I’ve very considerate regarding his situation but he doesn’t care for me. I don’t like being in this position. He hasn’t set me free yet!September 22, 2019 at 8:58 am #313557
You’re like light in the dark tunnel! I’m very hurt! The day he was leaving, he sent me a beautiful text. He apologized for hurting me and told me he loves me. The moment he landed there, things haven’t been the same between us. It’s like he’s altogether a different person there! I’ve been very considerate towards his situation and his feelings. I’ve been asking him how is he doing, whether he had his lunch/dinner or not, how’s college and everything. But I haven’t received even 10% of consideration from his side. I know he’s busy but can’t you take out 30 minutes of your life for someone you claimed to love for 15 years!! I keep waiting for his texts because according to me, he’s still my boyfriend. I told him today how much everything reminds me of him! I also asked him to atleast tell me when would he be free so that we could have a talk like two mature adults! But no reply from his side! I deserve some clarity! What kind of sadistic pleasures he’s gaining from all this? He’s starting his college tomorrow and again that would be hectic too. He would never have anytime for me!
How to ease the pain?September 22, 2019 at 9:29 am #313563
Regarding him loving you for 15 years, I was suspicious of that claim the moment I read it. During more of a decade when you were not yet his girlfriend, maybe he liked you and was attracted to you, once in a while thinking about you in a romantic or lustful way. At times thinking about other women that way.
“He hasn’t set me free yet!”- he’s not good at setting people free- he is yet to set himself free from his mother.
Better you don’t wait for him to set you free. That is a powerless position- why does he have the power to set you free (he doesn’t)- and you don’t have that power?
At this point, not only is he not a powerful man, he is not even a good man. A good man would have answered your texts and come clean with you.
Why don’t you send him a message: contact me for a real conversation by (a particular time/ day). If you don’t, I will consider our relationship over.
The wait for that time and day (no longer than 24 hours).
anitaSeptember 22, 2019 at 10:27 am #313577
What is happening, how are you doing?
anitaSeptember 22, 2019 at 11:35 am #313587
I’m doing fine. Thank you for the concern. I’m mustering up courage to follow your advice. Maybe I’ll do it in another 1-2 days. Right now, I had this epiphany regarding my job. I was trying my ass off for more than a year to reach where I am today professionally. I’ve gone through phases of rejections and self doubts. And now that I have gotten this big opportunity, I’m flushing it all in gutter for a man! A man who doesn’t give a fuck about me. Since then I’ve been working on my project and have put this guy’s thought on the backseat!
I’ll be fine! 🙂September 22, 2019 at 12:08 pm #313597
I like the way you put it. Usually I don’t like the use of the word f*** but in this case it fits nicely. Do focus on your career, after all it is your career that will pay your bills, as this man.. will be paying his mother’s bills. More than paying your bills, your career is an opportunity for you to live a better and better life, free, unlike if you married this man and found yourself owned by his mother.
Opportunity and freedom- and you will indeed be just fine!
anitaSeptember 22, 2019 at 12:21 pm #313603
Thank you so much! I hope I make both of us proud!
Wish me luck! 😀September 22, 2019 at 1:12 pm #313617
You are welcome. I wish you luck, and I wish you continue to make wise choices- I am proud of you aready!
anitaOctober 3, 2019 at 5:53 am #315707
A little update on what I’ve been upto.
It’s been over 10 days since we last talked. The last day I asked him what is happening to us and that we should talk. I wrote him that he should give me a final answer because it’s hard for me living like this. He said he was confused. I offered him a solution. I asked him to talk to his mother and that it’s an opportunity for us that he’s not here since I can go and meet his mother once every two weeks, maybe things would change. I reminded him that he’s the one who said that he’s neither leaving his mom, nor me. I told him how hard it is for me to move on since everything I do here has a memory associated with him. I asked him to call me. He never did. He replied that the place he’s staying doesn’t have a wifi and the phone’s internet package is very expensive there. He also said that it’s not him who’s doing anything wrong, its his parents. I’m still his everything. (And I was like dude, you haven’t even started the fight. How come your parents are the only villains. You didn’t even mention my name. That stupid conversation you had with your mother is the only thing you’ve initiated. I didn’t say these things to him else things would’ve turned ugly). He didn’t cater to any of my other messages. We had fixed 30th September as the judgement day and I waited for his msg, but I never got any. It’s not like he hasn’t been using any internet there. I had seen him online on WhatsApp hundreds of times and he was even considerate enough to text me once. 23rd September was the last time I had messaged him and 25th September was the last day I got any reply from his side. Since then, I’ve deleted his numbers, his photos, his messages. It’s like he never existed. This guy just fucked off! I can’t still wrap my head around the fact that this guy, my best friend, the guy who loved me the most didn’t even bother to check on me or even had the courage to end things. He wasn’t courteous enough to apologise. He just vanished! I know you’re in a different country, it’s hard for you to adjust there but how could you just fucked off from someone’s life like there’s wasn’t anything.
So long story short, I guess I’m still in a relationship. Hahahaha! I’m doing better than I had expected. My tears have dried up, which is good I think. I don’t miss him much. I’m just angry! I don’t miss the good memories, because this shit has completely overpowered that. I’m seeking help from my loved ones. People who genuinely care for me. Whenever I feel like texting him, I write letters in my notepad. There are almost 10 of them. I feel good after writing. I have started concentrating on my job, have joined gym. The only problem is sleep. I haven’t been able to sleep properly which alters my mood. All in all, I’m doing good because I just lost somebody who was coward and didn’t love me but that poor thing lost someone who loved him and cares for him. Alsooooo, I get sadistic pleasures from thinking that I’m doing much much much better than him. I have my support system with me here and I’m doing my dream job!
P.S.- It’s just a phase and it’ll pass!October 3, 2019 at 5:58 am #315709
<p style=”text-align: left;”>- wasn’t even considerate enough to text me once</p>
– he lost somebody who LOVED nad CARED for him.
Also I’m being allowed to be sadistic in this situation, right? That’s one of my coping mechanism.October 3, 2019 at 7:15 am #315739
I am glad you are back. You mentioned Sadistic, as in feeling angry at him, sure you are allowed that, and S may very well stand for it at this point. Lets go down memory lane of the last few weeks:
September 18 you wrote about you and him:
“It was as if we were meant to be together”- you wrote it, “as if”, not really.
“He’s the best person I have ever met in my life”- I hope you meet more people because someone out there has to be better than him!
“Both of us are emotionally and physically compatible.. madly in love.. yesterday, he tried to talk to his mother and she told him that they are spending a lot on his education, and in return they have some expectations from him.. not getting married to me.. My boyfriend .. feel indebted”-
– it is not the first time that when love vs money were on opposite sides, money won. His mother told him they spent a lot of money on him and in return he needs to end his relationship with you, basically. And feeling in financial debt to them, he chose money over you. If you would have done the same in his place, choosing money over a love relationship, then the two of you are compatible.
“Last year he made it pretty clear to me that his mother’s decision is final and that he won’t go against her”- you should have taken his words seriously.
“I really love him and he loves me too.. He started off by saying that if we survive these two years we’d end up together no matter what”- did he suggest that you should survive two years of him not loving you- I mean, his behavior is not loving: not answering your messages, contacting you online a few times only while contacting other people “hundreds of times”–
– “Boyfriend breaking up with me because of his parents”- and because he .. well, he doesn’t love you. Both. Time to take this truth in and keep it in. Sad, isn’t it.
anitaOctober 3, 2019 at 8:07 am #315767
Good to hear from you.
1. I am feeling sadistic in the sense that I know he’s suffering there as of now, not because of our relationship but because it’s overwhelming to move to a new place and live there. I’m just happy for myself now.
2. In my view, we were meant to be together. He took care of me and my needs. He even cared for my family. He made me feel wanted and desired. He made me love my body. No other boyfriend has ever done anything of this sorts for me. He didn’t just tell me that he loved me, but he showed it. And that’s why it is hard for me to process his current behaviour.
3. I hope that too!
4. I would’ve chosen him over anything. One hundred percent! I would’ve never agreed to take money from my parents had I known this would mean us breaking up. I’m angry because he knew this day would come and that was his preparation? THAT!? And this is how you face a situation?
5. I did take his words seriously. I did ask him to break up. But he convinced me with I’m neither leaving you, nor my mother. He also reassured me that he would fight for us. He did the classic ‘I swear on my mother’s life’. But he has forgotten all of it. Even when I sent him the screenshots, he didn’t acknowledge.
6. When he was leaving all of a sudden he became skeptical of our relationship. He said IF we survive these two years apart then we’d end up together. Up until this time, we never doubted our relationship. There was never a question of IF WE SURVIVE. He never hinted on this probability. That’s when I realise that it’s all words and no action. He’s just speaking words which he doesn’t mean. And that’s how I ended up here.
7. I now know he doesn’t love me. He must have loved me at some point in his life. But this is not love. I love him though. A little bit maybe. It’ll go with time.
I’m hurt because this guy just fucked off and didn’t look back.October 3, 2019 at 8:37 am #315777
Reads like he loved you: he wanted and desired you and he loved your body (“He made me feel wanted and desired.. He made me love my body”), he cared enough to satisfy your needs, including your need for your family to be helped.
The thing about love is the Value Factor. What did he value more? He valued money more, he valued moving abroad and studying more than he valued you.
It is not just about the feelings of desire and caring- it is about values and priorities of values.
“I would’ve chosen him over anything. One hundred percent! I would’ve never agreed to take money..”- I see an incompatibility of values. He chose other things over you, while you would have chosen him over anything.
For him other things are more important than you and being in a relationship with you. And he chose those other things.
anitaOctober 3, 2019 at 8:43 am #315779
Yes. That’s true. I can see it clearly now. The least he could’ve done is to man up to me and break up. Its a human decency even if you don’t love anybody.
Anyway, like I said I’ve already started the moving on process. Some days its very hard. I hope it gets easy soon!