September 18, 2019 at 5:29 am #312891
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years now and before that we were best friends for almost 15 years. We’ve been in each other’s life for so long and he has loved me for all these years. But I fell in love with him 2 years back. It was as if we were meant to be together. He’s the best person I have ever met in my life. Both of us are emotionally and physically compatible, take care of each other’s needs, have been madly in love. Last year in June, we got to know from his sister that his mother doesn’t like me and would not let us get married. We decided that we would continue this relationship and that he would talk to her when the time is right and before it gets too late. So here we are, my boyfriend is going for his higher studies to the U.S. for 2 years and he’s leaving tonight. Yesterday, he tried to talk to his mother and she told him that they are spending a lot on his education and in return they have some expectations from him. And apparently not getting married to me is one of them. My boyfriend didn’t say anything to hee because he does feel indebted. Oh btw, we are Indians. Parents play a major role in our lives. Also, last year he made it pretty clear to me that his mother’s decision is final and that he won’t go against her because he can neither see her unhappy nor me. Which I agreed to because my mother also explained this to me. My parents know of our relationship and they really like him. I too sort of had to convince him but it was obviously easier than convincing his parents. We have been experiencing a lot of communication gap (btw, we haven’t talked over phone or met in person to discuss this) since he’s been extremely busy with packing and everything. I don’t know what he’s thinking or what he wants to do. He says he’ll talk to me once before leaving but hasn’t yet. Anyway, I know I sound chilled out here but I’m drowning in sorrow. I wouldn’t only be losing my boyfriend but also my bestfriend. We don’t know why his mother doesn’t like me because he couldn’t ask her. I am thinking of asking him to let me talk to his mother so that we could come to a conclusion. I don’t know how to take this forward. I don’t even know if I’d be able to talk to him for a couple of days since he’d be busy with moving and college and also what should I do in the meantime?
Any kind of help would be appreciated. I just need a way out. I strongly believe that all this would end up in a break up but I really love him and he loves me too. It would be a shame if we don’t end up together. I don’t want to wake up one day and regret- oh I wish I had talked to his parents, maybe things would’ve been different. How should I nudge him in my direction? I also know that it’s not my turn to do anything, it’s all him but he’s occupied with other things.
P.s.- I don’t think the mother knows that we’ve been dating for 2 years now. She has known me forever though.
Thanks in advance!September 18, 2019 at 7:25 am #312903
I just talked to him (over text). Apparently his anxiety is acting up. I understand he’s scared. He’s leaving his home for the first time. New place, new people, new country altogether. He’s nervous. We discussed our future. He started off by saying that if we survive these two years we’d end up together no matter what. When I started hitting him with worst case scenario questions his answer changed to I’ll keep fighting for you until I give up and succumb to my parents. I think this is my cue. I think I’ve gotten the answer. I think this is the end. Maybe he’s not thinking thoroughly since there’s a lot of things in his mind at the moment.
I don’t know. What should I do? Should I wait for him to get settled there once and then talk about this? Please help!September 18, 2019 at 7:57 am #312909
Unfortunately, it reads like this is the end of the relationship, or at least, it should be the end because he’ll keep fighting for you until he gives up and succumbs to his parents.. again. So why should you bother if the end result is that he will succumb to his parents sooner or later.
His parents are paying for his education and stay in the U.S.- the more he stays in the U.S., the more money they spend on him. The more money they spend on him, the more indebted he feels.
It is not only in the Indian culture that parents own their children (minor and adult-children). Parents own their children in many ways. In the arranged marriage culture, what happens often (does it not?) that the indebted adult children marry who their parents want them to marry but they have extra marital affairs with previous lovers or others. Satisfy the parents on one hand and experience romance and passion on the other hand.
Often the mother is the more powerful of the parents. She OWNS her children. I don’t think there is anything you can say to her to change her mind. What could possibly motivate her to change her mind? If you tell her how much the two of you love each other- she is not likely to say: oh, I didn’t know. I want my son to be happy.
She is not about love, she is about power, about owning him- is what I am thinking. What do you think?
anitaSeptember 18, 2019 at 8:25 am #312915
I just joined this website and I realised you’re kind of a celebrity here. Everybody listens to you and you give the best replies. I was waiting for you to guide me so thank you so much for hearing me out.
I completely agree with everything you’ve said. I know it’s the end of the road for us but it’s just love makes you stupid. There are two things in my mind though- 1. Should I give him a few more days to think with an open mind since he’s dealing with anxiety because of moving to a different country? 2. We don’t know why his mother hates me so I just wanted to talk to her once so that I actually know where’s she coming from. I used to have green hair 2 years back and she especially mentioned that we want somebody with black hair (I find this comical plus I’ve dyed my hair black long time). I feel she think I’m a crazy lady which I’m not. I want her to know how good I am as a person. Should I do that? I work in the social development sector!!!!!!!September 18, 2019 at 9:08 am #312923
Never has the word celebrity associated with me, except in my long ago fantasy life. Thank you for making my fantasy a reality today in the context of your most recent post!
I don’t think there is any use in talking to his mother but you can try, it won’t hurt. It may make you feel worse when she (as I suspect) will not change her mind as a result, but if you can endure the feelings that you will experience when (again, as I suspect) she rejects you, talk to her. Maybe she will at least mention her reason, but then she may lie.
Her reason for rejecting you as a possible wife for her son can be one or a combination of many reasons. Maybe she wants him to study in the U.S while not distracted by a girlfriend in India (or elsewhere). Maybe it is the green hair you used to have. Maybe it is your family’s financial or social status/ caste, maybe she believes in astrology and you are the .. wrong sign. Maybe she wants to be the.. only woman in her son’s life. Maybe the reason is not that she thinks that you are a “crazy lady”- maybe the reason is that she is a crazy lady.
“Should I give him a few more days to think with an open mind”?- no, no use, because he is not the one who is doing the thinking, more precisely- the choosing. It is his mother that is doing the thinking and choosing for him.
anitaSeptember 18, 2019 at 9:38 am #312937
She definitely doesn’t want him to study there. It took a good amount of convincing for him to study abroad. We are of the same religion and sort of same caste but different states. Plus, our financial and social status are also similar. Both of us come from middle class families. I don’t think she believes in astrology because my boyfriend (potential ex boyfriend) has never mentioned that. I was her son’s only friend who had gone to hospital with him for his chemotherapy in the year 2011 and the only one who stood by him during that hard time. And she knows because I even used to visit him home.
That’s why I can’t wrap my head around the fact that she hates me. I’ve been in his life for over 15 years and not even once has she ever mentioned me or even asked him to stay away from him.
I just want to do this for my mental peace. This is something that would always bother me.September 18, 2019 at 9:47 am #312939
I didn’t understand: his mother didn’t want him to study in the U.S (your first sentence)?
Considering you stood by her son when he was sick, having been his only friend during that difficult time, and assuming his mother knew you stood by him, she definitely owes you an explanation as to why she hates you… if she hates you. (After all, you never heard that directly from her).
Problem is: will she tell you the truth, will she even be kind enough to talk to you. I don’t know. But if I was you, I think I will give it a try- talking to her. If you call her on the phone, I suppose you will suggest to her to talk at a more convenient time (if the time you call is not convenient) and/ or you will suggest to her to talk in person- is that the plan?
anitaSeptember 18, 2019 at 10:23 am #312945
He did his bachelor’s and started working for an MNC. He worked there for 3 years and now wanted to study further. This is not a traditional route for a career in his family and hence they were skeptical. Also, his father lives away from them because of his job and he’s the one taking care of his mother. He’s been taking care of her since forever. This is also the reason they didn’t want him to leave. He’s a good son though.
And I want to talk to her in person if she allows. I know what I’m getting myself into but I guess I have to take a chance.
Also, should I feel betrayed that he’s leaving me when he was the one who claimed to have loved me for 15+years and this is one of the reasons I started loving him back?
There are so many emotions running inside me. I’m taking all of this in a positive way at the moment but I know the reality would hit me soon once we stop talking altogether.September 18, 2019 at 11:09 am #312957
One step at a time: first call his mother and ask to talk to her in person. See how that goes. Once it is done, think of the next step. The next step may involve not doing anything but to accept what-is.
“the reality would hit me soon”- for reality to not hit you quick and hard, keep yourself as calm as possible, take one step at a time, and post here anytime. When I am at the computer and notice you posted, I will reply to you every time.
anitaSeptember 18, 2019 at 11:16 am #312959
Thank you so much! This interaction realy helped me calm my nerves. I know the journey is going to be hard but I’ve walked that path before.
Thank you so much for taking out time. Always grateful! And you’re amazing! 🙂September 18, 2019 at 11:27 am #312963
You are welcome, S, and thank you for your kind words, they brought a smile to my face, still smiling!
anitaSeptember 19, 2019 at 8:16 am #313077
Should I be feeling betrayed? Last year when he told me about his mother not liking me, I tried to end things. I don’t know if I could’ve actually done that. I tried atleast. But he didn’t let me. He told me that he’d make everything right and his final stand was that he’s neither leaving his mother, nor me and that he would seek help of his cousins. But nothing happened! He made me stay in this relationship. Though, it was the best year for our relationship I now feel betrayed.
He knew for 6-7 months that he need to talk to his family before leaving for the U.S. but he waited till the very end. Literally, a day before. Whenever I tried to talk to him about it, he told me he will do this whenever the time is right. And that he’s too occupied with his GMAT and interviews and visa application and what not.
Writing here, it’s slowly making me realise that he kind of, sort of loves me but not enough I guess. I’m not on his priority list. The last time when we met, I asked him what are his future plans and he started talking about his career and that’s it. When I asked him that you never mention me in your future, he simply said that if he wouldn’t have a career that he has dreamt of, we wouldn’t be happy. It doesn’t really matter if I am in this equation or not. It’s either his family’s happiness or his happiness (which I guess is only the career). He wasn’t sure that his parents would ever agree to let him go and study abroad. He said he’ll go, no matter what- at any cost. I saw this passion in him which completely lacks in my case. He’s ready to fight his parents when it comes to the career but apparently not for me. I too am a career oriented woman but I also understand the importance of family and everybody who is close to me.
I should feel betrayed.
P.s.- It is our second anniversary tomorrow.September 19, 2019 at 8:43 am #313083
Reads to me that studying in the U.S was and is his passion, what he wants most in life, his main focus and only focus.
So his mother agrees for him to study in the U.S- he is definitely not going to risk that by fighting with her about you!
I imagine not only didn’t he argue with her about you, he probably accommodated her position about you, promising her that indeed he will let you go and remain in his past.
The betrayal is about not letting you know early and clearly that this is the case. He wasn’t honest with you, so yes, it is a betrayal.
anitaSeptember 19, 2019 at 9:25 am #313095
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Dear Anita</p>
You always manage to say the right things. My family and friends have been saying the same as you and even I know that’s true, it’s just better to hear from somebody who’s not coming from a biased view. I’m mentally preparing myself to start moving on.
Also, there are a lot of emotions bottled up inside me. There are a lot of things that I want to say to him. We haven’t yet broken up. I’ve given him sometime to think about and process the situation (I know you had adviced me against it). I did it because I don’t want to be the reason for our breakup, that I didn’t give him time. So if and when the break up happens, should I just let it be or should I spew all this venom inside me. Maybe I want to do it so that he doesn’t think breaking up is a piece of cake. You just say its not working and disappear.
Should I vent my anger or wish him the best for the future?September 19, 2019 at 9:37 am #313099
My answer: take the middle way- do not “spew all this venom” inside you, venting your anger or “wish him the best for the future”.
Instead tell him what you know is to be the truth (“even I know that’s true”)- tell him that you believe that he betrayed you, that you are hurt as a result, and angry. And that you don’t know how long and how difficult it will be for you to heal and recover from his betrayal of you.
And then wish him the best for his future as well as a relationship- in his future- where he will be honest and trustworthy. If indeed you wish that for him.
Express yourself to him honestly and calmly, keep it short (not going on and on about it), if in his presence or on the phone, use a calm but strong voice. And do it soon, as soon as possible.
- This reply was modified 8 months, 2 weeks ago by anita.