Anita,

There is an obsessive component in a lot of my posts that I write to you.  And it’s about  men.  My brain seems to got back and forth and around-erratic really when talking to you about them and my anxiety with their behavior.  It is my brain not wanting to work on what I need- self love and self worth.  I think because it’s easier? But what I go through with my anxiety is harder.

This man “S” is not a good man and has not treated me well at all.  I sit back and I am embarrassed. I believe now that I have some significant trauma possibly from my marriage.  I have not discussed in depth this trauma or how it has effected me. It’s troubling because it seems to be an every day battle with my thoughts.  There is this short video on a social media app called Tic Toc about moving on.  I listen to it a few times a day.

Why do I get side tracked when I have 2 great kids and a pretty amazing dog.  Why do relationships and dating men who are unhealthy take over my life at different times?  It’s almost like an addiction.

Lindsey

Anita,

I am shaking.  I don’t feel like I can  do that but I don’t feel like I can continue

Lindsey

Anita,

I did not end up going to the lake house.  I believe he realized I was not going to sleep with him.  He still messages me but I’m like whatever with that. He’s funny so it’s just someone to talk to sometimes.

I feel like maybe I’ve made an error in judgement.  They say once you start to forget about someone they pop up out of nowhere and that’s exactly what happened.  Saturday morning I was walking my dog and I get a text from “S” and I called him.  I started crying and explaining some of the things that happened before his daughter got sick and how I should have said something to him.  He stated he wasn’t happy that his girlfriend broke up with him via text and woke up to reading it.  Which I can understand.  He told me he loved me and that was the end of the conversation.  I believe on Sunday I asked him to call to further discuss.  He sent a picture of him and his daughter getting yogurt and stated they were going to watch a movie and he would call Monday.  He said that he missed me and hoping I was having a good night.   He did not call on Monday.  Now I’m trying to put myself in his shoes.  I think the yogurt movie thing was fine.  I think he should have sent a quick text last night if he was busy.  However, if my daughter is at a hospital with leukemia and I’m staying in a tiny apartment with one bedroom, I don’t know that calling would be on my priority list.  Her hair is starting to fall out and she is no a steriod that makes her face very puffy.  I’m trying not to be selfish with I,I,I regarding our relationship.

There is a lot I want to say.  Mostly things I did not communicate about, issues I had, etc when we were together.  There is a very short video I found on social media explaining people’s behaviors who are love deprived.  It keeps going around in my brain to send him but I’m not sure to send it.  It might feel like to him that I’m am blowing up his phone and he has lots to deal with that are important.  I keep thinking about it.

I’m having all this anxiety but we will end up getting back together so I’m not sure why. He wouldn’t have talked about it with me or said he loved me and missed me.  In fact he would never had reached out staying thank you for the care package I sent to his daughter and that he still had my key to my house. He stated that we would talk about it later in our first conversation we had.  I feel mixed up.  I hope you are not disappointed. There was no way I could ignore him when he reached out initially.  I’m wondering why I have this anxiety about him not calling.  It’s kind of unhealthy when I think about it.  And almost not something I should even worry about.  I mean we can’t really have a relationship anyway until he gets home in a few weeks.

Lindsey

Hello Anita

Work has been very busy these last 2 days.  I’ve been thinking and I feel like I’m constantly walking through a field with hidden bombs.  I can be walking just fine and then out of now where it explodes.  It’s embarrassing thinking about it afterwards-when you’ve brushed off the dirt and looked at the hole but then started moving forward again.  It makes you feel like you have no control over your brain when of course you do-people do it everyday.  It’s like my brain is wired upside down.  I make poor choices but I feel like maybe I’m getting better 2% at a time.

I’ve been doing a really great job of not engaging with my ex.  I think he might be a little crazy.

I’ve been speaking with my really good friend.  He’s been there for me since I started dating “S.”  He says that S was content keeping things as they were even though I was very unhappy.  that’s not good news at all but at least it’s better than Hey he just didn’t like you anymore.  There is some closure there. I’m meeting with my counselor tomorrow.

I feel tired because 2 men have asked me out since I put single on my facebook page.  I don’t want to get into anything serious.  It’s like looking at something you have to eat and you can’t stand the taste.  I know one of the men and he invited me to a movie and dinner.  He has a lake house about an hour out of town.  He said my dog could come.  I might go just as a way to get away. I’ve talked to him off and on for months.  Half the time I ignore him and he still texts.  I told him I’m not going to sleep with him.  I asked for his intentions and he said i’m not going to lie-I want to get to know you but yes of course I want to sleep with you. I’m attracted to you.

I don’t know what I’m going to do.  However my daughter’s party is this Friday and I’m excited to make my fruit tray and cupcakes.

Lindsey

Anita,

I weigh 100 pounds now. I was 110. I’m 5-2.

yes it’s just a mark on my leg sometimes my face has a little bruising the next day but it’s fine.

I just feel like I want these unhealthy feelings gone and they wont’ go away.  It’s like I carry them everywhere and I don’t understand why they won’t leave.  I have all these why questions that I will never know the answer to.  I just don’t know why my brain won’t stop it.  I don’t want them anymore in my brain.

Lindsey

Anita,

I am sorry that I keep going back to this topic.  I know that I have a lot of things in my life that I should be greatful for.  I’m aware that I have a lot to offer someone and I’m a good person.  I know that when you chose a person with red flags what you get is…exactly what I got.

I think that part of my problem is the wiring in my brain.  The thought of rejection, or someone not liking me, I think affects me more than most.

There is a trend with men if you look through my posts.  Crappy guys that were bad to begin with.  I tried to have something with them romantically and in the end I cried and was anxiety ridden.  A mess really.

I feel bad about myself and don’t like myself.  This is the core of all my problems I know.  I’ve known that for a long time and I think I picked other things-unhealthy things- to focus on instead because, well they were easier.  So I’m hoping through counseling to learn some way to get better with this.  If I don’t I’m going to be texting you with the same issues only it’s a different name for the guy in 2 months.

Lindsey

Anita,

I definitely will.  Thank you 🙂

Anita,

Thank you for your support with “S.”  I have a little anxiety but I feel like it will pass within a few days.  I have not said anything to my ex about the paragraph you mentioned.  Unfortunately when I did bring up how quick he had his girlfriend met the kids and then move her into the home quickly he got very defensive and would not give a direct answer.  Anything I tried to mention about the girlfriend or what I thought was appropriate he dismissed and it caused an argument.  Any past behaviors were met with pointing the finger at me and denying any abuse.

I have a meeting with a counselor this Wednesday and I’m sure that will be part of our discussions.

Lindsey