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You know I can’t say what I want. Because on top if my injury my intelligence gets insulted. Everywhere I go I have to play a game. Work, outside, even in a forum, I have to pretend and opressors are felt sorry for. I am really sad now because not only do I have to deal with my opressors I have to hear people defend them and worse say that they are not doing anything wrong and making them out to be the victums. That is the story of my life.
I am only wanted temporarily for work until my body completely gives out. I am very intelligent but another member pointed out in her thread that if your real people don’t like it.
The evidence shows that obviously that some can be real initially but how long will that be tolerated? I can’t believe the subtle reminders that I am insignificant. Well many are missing out because I have everything.
I am not doing well right now. No, people do not understand because very few people experience the level of loneliness that I have had/ have to endure. Even if they have been alone for 10 years somewhere along the way they were connected to someone. Not only do I have to endure my situation but I have to endure it silently. I am in trouble emotionally and it feels like I’m going down and people are just watching me go down. That basically says it all. I don’t understand why this happened to me.
Nothing could help me…everything I had..My looks, my talents, my intelligence…none of it could or can save me. Do you have any idea how devastated I am over that?
I could add more but “gasp” I am thinking about how some men might feel. Not me. Not hateful me. I could go on about what they have done to my life.
…and now that I am on their “don’t care” list I am suppose to se them as the victums of my hatred? I don’t hate anyone. I hate what has been done to me and I hate injustice and I hate that women will cast other women aside for men. I hate that men don’t see me as an individual.
I’m a big zero to men. They are not the poor little souls who are afraid to post in my thread. They don’t care. They don’t want anything I want to offer. I had one purpose in their minds and if I do not serve that purpose then what good am I to them? Men don’t respect women. We are tools to them. Women who buy into that hate other women who speak up and then they protect men.
Men have plenty of women out there ready to put the expendable women in their place. Men look out for one another. Women look out for men.
Women have to look out for themselves.
I am feeling down tonight after a very successful day at my job because after I did my job perfectly my manager had to remind me of a past failure of mine as a customer. This is after me coming in on my day off. So now I feel like a failure but guess what…whatever is trying to take me down is going to lose. I had something else traumatic that I had to handle last week at my other job out of the blue. It seems getting a new job and the possibility of success brings out the obstacles saying no you will not succeed. When I am making little money and in a rut nothing horrible happens to me unless I tried to change that. When I try to improve myself that’s when the obstacles really happen. Well guess what??? Nothing is going to stop me from improving my situation. I am beyond playing around with that…even if I have to put up an imaginary wall around myself I will not fail. If no one can touch me than I will not fail and all the worthwhile people are getting ready to knock me down because they don’t even want me to have the basics in life let alone anything more. Guess what???? No matter what they throw at me I am not going to lose. Get used to it. The people who want to knock me down are not going to win. I am upset right now and crying and they will do almost anything to make me cry and get upset in public but I won’t do it. If I have to take every herb, drink tea, to keep me from thinking about what they are trying to do to me I will. They are not going to win.
I would also like to add that many men do not respond to my thread because I call them out on what they get away with….and that’s the truth. They are not afraid that they will be hated. They couldn’t care less about someone like me…and you know what…I was a good person too with talent, intelligent and pretty. Their only problem with me is I talk. I don’t think I have responded to anyone in this thread without being grateful for their input. I am not buying that men are afraid they are going to be hated…they just don’t have the time someone like me. Let’s be real.
It’s very important for me to know that people know that I know the truth and the truth is that men are not afraid of posting in my thread. Men couldn’t possibly care less about me.
I am going to put my game face on tomorrow though. I am upset tonight but I will be unbeatable tomorrow. No one will get to me. I will not let them hurt me.
I am upset tonight thow. If only I could become cold and unfeeling then I would be successful.
I know Anita.
I wonder if I suffer from an anxiety disorder. I hate to be anxious all the time. I almost never know what it’s like to be comfortable in myself. Even right now sitting alone I’m anxious. “Am I doing the right thing? “I have a headache and I just want to be able to go to my room and hide.” “I have to go to a job and be nice but that always means talking to someone and I am afraid that my anxiety will come out.” I am good with social exchanges but if people expect more of me then I will be done for in my new job. If I am in an environment that’s friendly it has to be a completely friendly environment.
I have to treat my new job as it’s the first day everyday. My biggest fear is becoming too comfortable. I fear that because the more comfortable I get the more honest I get. That is not good. I have to appear happy and calm all the time because my true self is in pain and anxious and defensive. I feel threatened and want to run away. I have to find a way to deal with the small percentage of rude customers. I can be happy and accomodating 1000 times but 1 time I’m rude and impatient and that’s all that a boss sees. I am in my third day of training and I feel anxious. I am taking a supplement that is suppose to support calmness. I have to go and get ready.
Anita thank you…I can not process anything right now. I feel so much hostility around me. I wonder which is the fantasy world…when I’m feeling better or when I am feeling like this? I have you and this site but no one in front of me reaching out. In fact I feel people around me to be either indifferent or giving off a negative vibe. I have to get back to work but I can’t shake this feeling and I have no idea what I am going to say. I feel I should be past all this.
Thank you Anita.
I am feeling a tremendous amount of guilt right now. I have been hired by the new job I was seeking and start tomorrow morning. I go into my current job tomorrow afternoon. My current boss text me and asked if I could work a earlier shift and I couldn’t because of the new job. He never asks me to do this on Monday. It makes me think that my new job already called him as a reference. I am not even sure what set schedule they want me for but I told them that I would have to give my current job 2 weeks notice. I hope that is enough notice? If I can only get part time at my new job I would like to keep a couple of days at my current job. The transition is always rough.
I also feel guilty because I feel like I am abandoning the ones at my current job who I care for during the week. I have no medical benefits at my current job, I can not work longer hours because it is too physically demanding and my new job pays more…but all my decisions usually are based on how I feel. I love who I care for but my boss is not a joy to work with, I have no benefits other than the knowledge that I can give love and caregiving.
I am also anxious about this new job. It’s not my dream job and I have to work with the public again. I have to be calm. I can not cry or get upset even though the inevitable rude customers and mandatory rude co worker that I always seem to find at each one of my jobs will be there.
I am not meant for this world. I am so anxious right now. I feel like the only way I can deal with the public, my current boss, future boss, people I love, people I respect whom I feel I would be abandoning, animals that receive my care and hugs….I feel the only way I can deal with all of this is to be numb. I can never be numb though. To deal with my new job though it would be best if I was numb. Most people can deal with these things but I have trouble and usually have no one to guide me. This is the only place I can turn. I should be happy for myself for getting a new job that will lead to medical benefits but I can’t help being consumed by guilt. I feel awkward too because my current boss is not easy to talk to.
I can never be truly happy because I want to be creative and I want to have gone to school and want to have had my own home by now and I wanted to have a family but all I can do is work and feel anxious all the time. I hate that I have to work all the time. I hate living paycheck to paycheck. I hate having the will to help people and animals but almost never having the way.
I am just having a meltdown because I am worried about possibly leaving my current job and all this awkwardness. I have to tell him tomorrow that I have a new job and that I will have to cut down my days or have to give 2 weeks notice all together.
I am crying now of course. Why do I have to be upset all the time? I feel guilty and hate money. The need for money is keeping me from doing what I love and constantly scrounging.
I have to vent.
The problem Anita is that I haven’t thought of myself as special since I was about 11 years old. I believe in the song for sure. I believe in the words and the idea of it is what I really relate to. Thank you for mentioning it because I really do believe in it’s message. In reality I really believe it for other people and wanted to share it mostly for that reason. I guess I love the words so much because they really represent the ultimate destination for me. If I could get there where I believed in my own self worth without any help then everything would fall into place.
I have rewritten my goals and have made elaborate flash cards and felt inspired to pursue my goals again. A place that I have wanted to work at…it seems they have rejected me yet again. It’s a place that pays well, has excellent benefits but I am yet again rejected and kept in a job that takes it’s toll on me physically and has no medical benefits. I can’t see a doctor or afford to go to the eye doctor…I am sad because I know how good of a worker I am. Anyway, I will try to work through this. It’s been a stress filled couple of weeks.
I will try to get back on track.
I guess I just have seen men going out of their way for some women with little work from them to deserve anyone going out of their way.
I realize everything you are saying though.
I just have go get back on track.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 