I am sorry to hear the word unloved in your post about an autobiographical book Anita. Yeah it does resonate with me. So much so that I would think something was wrong with someone who loved me, including myself. The one thing I hate about meditation classes or other classes is the talk about how special and unique you are and also about self care. I will never see myself as a good person. It also upsets me with talk of us being one. The people around me talk up a good game in class but when they are done its back to me being beneath them. When I was young I was open hearted but now that ship has sailed.

I try to get along with people but some just can not let it go with disliking me and then I feel bad when I throw a verbal dig at them in what feels like self defense. That happened yesterday. At first I was just responding to a customer who kept looking behind me with wide eyes at what I perceived as a manager making fun of me. I finally asked him what are you looking at, a horror show? I really was responding to the way he was looking but it came across as me calling my manager a horror show passive aggressively. Co workers who are her sidekicks were whooping it up so I was on edge. Afterwards I wrote “what is the point to all of this?” I also feel guilty about what I said. I don’t want to live like this but people who do not value harmony are everywhere. People like me can not escape them. So I will be thinking about what I said and how it landed and whether or not it hurt their feelings all day today on my day off. I am not even positive she was making fun of me but I have felt bullied before and always think that is what is happining. That’s another reason I feel bad.

Why can’t people just work and go home? I understand not liking everyone but you should at least be cordial in a work setting. I don’t get it. It strikes me as very “basic” if you know what I mean.

I listened to a video about CPTSD after looking up Arrested Development. I do think I stopped emotionally maturing at a certain age and combine that with an acute state of awareness….it’s exhausting.

Thank you so much Anita.

Anita,

Congratulations on your new dog! That’s wonderful!

Unfortunality I am not “choosing love” because there is no option of love to choose. I fight for authenticity and justice now because I do not even know what love is. It’s like some stupid egotistical club that I am not allowed into. Sadly I am finding being authentic not well received and justice is ignored right before my eyes. Love between human beings seemed to be ruled by contracts and I am not a product or servant.

Real love is unconditional.

Lisa

Thank you again Anita. Just checking in. No need to respond. Just have to say that I feel as if I am climbing up a steep hill of mud, not able to get anywhere. I really need a vacation from my life or a guide.

Anita, thank you for taking so much time to help me by going over my posts. I understand the path forward on paper. I am distressed over who I could have been had I received what I obviously lacked from childhood, security. I will add more later…

Lisa

<p style=”text-align: center;”>Thank you Anita, my Thanksgiving was nice. Hope you had a Happy Thanksgiving as well.</p>
Thank you so much for the poem. It was just what I needed to read just now.

I am sorry about the long intervals between my post.

I am sitting here when I should be trying to go to sleep. I watched a video about being a highly sensitive person and days ago something about being unable to do anything but I forget what it was really called. I begrudgingly go to work because I absolutely have to. I do other things because I really have to but I for the most part sit still or lie down not being able to do the things I should be doing. I am easily overwhelmed by so many things and when I am I can’t move. I chip away at what I need to do but it’s very difficult for me to complete tasks and I constantly worry about how I do things, am I doing the right things, am I making a mistake, this is all too much for me and I have to go lie down.

Of course politics is certainly not helping me. I tried a 5 minute meditation today which helped a little but I still complained to someone about the things that bother me.
<p style=”text-align: right;”>I wish I could feel strong and confident. I wish I did not let others affect how I feel so much. I wish I could end suffering. I wish I could be proactive but I am sitting here….no closer to going to bed…unable to move because I feel overwhelmed by everything.</p>

Thank you Anita for the lists of things to do. I really appreciate your help.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I wish I could respond to what you said afterwards, but I can not.</p>
 

Hi! Just checking in. Thought about deleting this thread but started to glance through it with many thoughts. I had to stop reading what I wrote because it was upsetting me. I hope everyone here is well.

Lisa