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I know Anita.
I wonder if I suffer from an anxiety disorder. I hate to be anxious all the time. I almost never know what it’s like to be comfortable in myself. Even right now sitting alone I’m anxious. “Am I doing the right thing? “I have a headache and I just want to be able to go to my room and hide.” “I have to go to a job and be nice but that always means talking to someone and I am afraid that my anxiety will come out.” I am good with social exchanges but if people expect more of me then I will be done for in my new job. If I am in an environment that’s friendly it has to be a completely friendly environment.
I have to treat my new job as it’s the first day everyday. My biggest fear is becoming too comfortable. I fear that because the more comfortable I get the more honest I get. That is not good. I have to appear happy and calm all the time because my true self is in pain and anxious and defensive. I feel threatened and want to run away. I have to find a way to deal with the small percentage of rude customers. I can be happy and accomodating 1000 times but 1 time I’m rude and impatient and that’s all that a boss sees. I am in my third day of training and I feel anxious. I am taking a supplement that is suppose to support calmness. I have to go and get ready.
Anita thank you…I can not process anything right now. I feel so much hostility around me. I wonder which is the fantasy world…when I’m feeling better or when I am feeling like this? I have you and this site but no one in front of me reaching out. In fact I feel people around me to be either indifferent or giving off a negative vibe. I have to get back to work but I can’t shake this feeling and I have no idea what I am going to say. I feel I should be past all this.
Thank you Anita.
I am feeling a tremendous amount of guilt right now. I have been hired by the new job I was seeking and start tomorrow morning. I go into my current job tomorrow afternoon. My current boss text me and asked if I could work a earlier shift and I couldn’t because of the new job. He never asks me to do this on Monday. It makes me think that my new job already called him as a reference. I am not even sure what set schedule they want me for but I told them that I would have to give my current job 2 weeks notice. I hope that is enough notice? If I can only get part time at my new job I would like to keep a couple of days at my current job. The transition is always rough.
I also feel guilty because I feel like I am abandoning the ones at my current job who I care for during the week. I have no medical benefits at my current job, I can not work longer hours because it is too physically demanding and my new job pays more…but all my decisions usually are based on how I feel. I love who I care for but my boss is not a joy to work with, I have no benefits other than the knowledge that I can give love and caregiving.
I am also anxious about this new job. It’s not my dream job and I have to work with the public again. I have to be calm. I can not cry or get upset even though the inevitable rude customers and mandatory rude co worker that I always seem to find at each one of my jobs will be there.
I am not meant for this world. I am so anxious right now. I feel like the only way I can deal with the public, my current boss, future boss, people I love, people I respect whom I feel I would be abandoning, animals that receive my care and hugs….I feel the only way I can deal with all of this is to be numb. I can never be numb though. To deal with my new job though it would be best if I was numb. Most people can deal with these things but I have trouble and usually have no one to guide me. This is the only place I can turn. I should be happy for myself for getting a new job that will lead to medical benefits but I can’t help being consumed by guilt. I feel awkward too because my current boss is not easy to talk to.
I can never be truly happy because I want to be creative and I want to have gone to school and want to have had my own home by now and I wanted to have a family but all I can do is work and feel anxious all the time. I hate that I have to work all the time. I hate living paycheck to paycheck. I hate having the will to help people and animals but almost never having the way.
I am just having a meltdown because I am worried about possibly leaving my current job and all this awkwardness. I have to tell him tomorrow that I have a new job and that I will have to cut down my days or have to give 2 weeks notice all together.
I am crying now of course. Why do I have to be upset all the time? I feel guilty and hate money. The need for money is keeping me from doing what I love and constantly scrounging.
I have to vent.
The problem Anita is that I haven’t thought of myself as special since I was about 11 years old. I believe in the song for sure. I believe in the words and the idea of it is what I really relate to. Thank you for mentioning it because I really do believe in it’s message. In reality I really believe it for other people and wanted to share it mostly for that reason. I guess I love the words so much because they really represent the ultimate destination for me. If I could get there where I believed in my own self worth without any help then everything would fall into place.
I have rewritten my goals and have made elaborate flash cards and felt inspired to pursue my goals again. A place that I have wanted to work at…it seems they have rejected me yet again. It’s a place that pays well, has excellent benefits but I am yet again rejected and kept in a job that takes it’s toll on me physically and has no medical benefits. I can’t see a doctor or afford to go to the eye doctor…I am sad because I know how good of a worker I am. Anyway, I will try to work through this. It’s been a stress filled couple of weeks.
I will try to get back on track.
I guess I just have seen men going out of their way for some women with little work from them to deserve anyone going out of their way.
I realize everything you are saying though.
I just have go get back on track.
I am sitting in my cafe feeling invisible. I have my goals in front of me in a book. I am trying to get back to them.
I got into it slightly with my boss yesterday because I was exhausted and I have to be at full strength to deal with him or at least 1/2 way there. He doesn’t care what comes up…if something comes up that is out of your control it is simply your fault. Nothing changes with him. The tide never shifts. I adjust to what comes up. He doesn’t. We are complete opposites yet I have to see him today yet again. I work when I am sick, I work even though my knee feels like it is going to fall off. He has more respect for people half my age who spend quite a bit of time on their phones when I won’t bring my phone with me on the floor. He only cares about things that can be seen by the clients getting done. I care about the inner workings and quality of care offered that is unseen. He cares about the surface; I care about what is going on underneath. I am yet again stuck working for someone like this. These people unfortunality always seem to be the ones in control today.
Getting sway from my boss…I felt bitter again yesterday. I feel taken advantage of. Younger people have no problem letting me do the heavier work because I will not cleverly not take my break at work to avoid being the extra person. You see at my work if you take s break you sometimes end up the extra person that has to do more strenuous work. My work ethic and my not wanting to stick someone else…of course I end up the extra person. What really frustrates me is (my boss again) is that my boss doesn’t give a flip that the younger people do this. He micromanages all over the place, tells you things you already know but doesn’t care if one worker basically lets another do more work than they do if they can get away with it. I felt/feel like a loser because no one wants to rescue me. No one cares that I am in pain. I worry about others but they fon’t worry about me. I come in every time someone calls out. I am responsible…I pride myself on being intelligent maybe not socially but I don’t feel my boss appreciates my intelligence because I do not respond well to his machine like personality in the work world. I can praise my boss for his organization skills and wanting things to be orderly but I don’t always see him as genuine and I think he lacks communication skills. I am an artist but I feel trapped and society the way it is today feels very suffocating for someone with an artistic personality. I am hurting my body and mind daily for very little money to just barely survive.
I am feeling trapped and unworthy again and feel that if I am hurt by it than I become even more of an outcast. I feel as if I have a rule from every other person on the planet. You will like your situation Lisa or you will not even get a Good Morning or so much as a Hi from any of us. One complaint and we ignore you…The woman sitting not far from you..”What can we do to help her?” That’s right, she is more important than you…and after she gets attention everyone states how courageous she is. That’s the way it is and you will like it.
The only thing that keeps me at my current job is my clients. I feel like I will abandon them if I leave.
If one man would just talk to me. Make an effort then I would feel a glimmer of hope.
In a world where people pay attention to the big picture and not on the frivolous details…charactor would be rewarded. We are all human beings and should pay attention to how people treat one another. Someone should have stepped in and corrected people who have bullied me but they didn’t. If you believe in people then I say people I would think are quite able of recognizing good deeds and bad deeds. Should we ignore the way someone treats someone else because they flatter us?
I would also think that someone somewhere would be attracted to someone who feels deeply, tries to do what is right, works hard…but is most of society in love with getting something from someone as their only reason for being attracted to that person? I have seen women act helpless and needy in order to get men to do things for them that they are too lazy to do for themselves…and he doesn’t seem to see it. She gets rewarded for being a con artist and it should be known that she is being a con artist because he should be able to see it. Bullies are often nice to people they can get something from.
I do not think it is a mental health problem to believe in negative or positive energy influencing people. I am very spiritual and have open beliefs. I consider everything and dismiss very little. I also on a logical level consider the odds against the all too frequent coincidences in my life. I am open to ideas because no one can give me a logical explanation for these happenings.
Real people are not held in high regard…and if you are a woman you definately better steer clear of being real. All it will do is bring you loneliness but I still say hang on to being real no matter much of target you are and no matter how much it hurts.
I understand why lyrics I just posted are awaiting moderation. I should have just posted the versus that I can relate to the most. I didn’t realize until after the fact that not everyone might enjoy all the lyrics, I apologize. The song just means so much to me. I would like to repost an edited version with only the more universal lyrics appearing if I could? I should have done that.
Thank you,
Again I apologize.
Lisa
Anita, I am doing better today. I am holding on to especially one nutritional diet choice and even got out walking today. I am overlooking my goals today and wanting to enjoy the path more than the outcome. I really need to be persistant with that. I would like to repeat my thoughts to you about not being able to face the final obstacles that stand between me and my dreams. My will is there to a point.
Yes bullying has had a profound effect on my life. I have seen people who have bullied me grow up to have families while I have been left to survive. It’s not that I do not want others to have happy lives and have love in their lives…my question is what did they do to deserve that and what did I do to deserve to be alone? I guess the school I went to emphasized award…not that I didn’t want to do what was right just for the sake of it. I just never thought if I worked hard that I would ever be punished.
Idon’t know if I believe there is an “entity” making things happen to me. I am just trying to understand the numerous and I mean numerous, not one or two coincidences that seem to set me up for a fall. I was optimistic when I came out of my room at home, I was optimistic about starting school, I was optimistic when I joined in playing a game with my peers, I was optimistic starting high school, I was optimistic going into my twenties…my thirties…every time I get a new job etc. Every new experience I feel there is someone showing up looking me in the eye and saying umm “Who do you think you are?” “Don’t get too comfortable, you are not liked.” I feel like I have to be served humble pie just for thinking that I’m just as good as everyone else.
So I am just trying to come up with an answer as to why things always seem to fall into place to trip me up.
I want to apologize again for answering later than I said.
Thank you,
Lisa
Lisa24, thank you for your wishes. I do not give up but I always stop right before the biggest hurdles. I get into a good mindset and I get past many obstacles but when I reach one or two of the biggest hurdles to be where I want to be I fall down. Get depressed and then go back almost to the starting line and go through the same pattern yet again. I can’t tell you how many times in my life I have done this. I am not sure why I can not or find those last hurdles impossible but they are so big I just stop.
I often compare the scene in Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland where Alice wants to get into the garden and faces the obstacles of trying to do that and finally sits down and cries to my own life. That scene really captures how many times I have tried to work out the problem only to end up in tears.
I am somewhat more optimistic today. Thinking about more ways of getting into the garden which is a metaphor for my dream life.
I agree with you about paying attention to small ways of getting there. Those small things I can do to improve my life…I am still thinking of them.
Therapy is very difficult to maintain on limited resources. I would love to still be in therapy.
I second your thoughts on Anita. She has helped me a lot these past months and I am in awe of her generosity in giving advice. I have been inspired by the advice I have been given here by Anita and others.
Thank you again and I apologize for responding a day later than I said but what I want to do and what I actually do sometimes are two different things.
Thank you,
Lisa
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 