I might be a lttle vague today in the middle of a lot of realness so I apologize if some do not understand my posts. The vagueness comes from how I am feeling but I have to express it because I generally have no where to turn when I feel this way. My feelings are valid regardless how people view the reasons for them.

I feel attacked right now, by a negative energy, by people who don’t want to see a woman like me succeed. I actually feel more attacked by women rather than men right now. Women who don’t like other women thinking for themselves and daring to be proud of who they are. I am talking about women who speak only to gain points from men and men eat it up. I feel attacked by those women and since I believe most men and more than half the population of women in the U.S. live by this code, I feel outnumbered. We are in such a climate right now that even the women I have loved and admired for rising above the attacks feel outnumbered….and I can’t even live vicariously through them anymore.

I feel these people are laughing at me and rejoice in my discomfort. We really are living in the age of the bully regardless of how many anti bullying programs there are because no one is allowed to tell a bully off anymore. Since I was growing up bullying was something that people thought needed to be addressed so it made it more difficult for people who wanted to to bully in a direct way so they slowly became more passive aggressive. Turning the tables where they could bully and somehow make themselves out to be the victums.

Let me try to make this short. Oh I wish I could talk…but anyway. I used to have a roommate in a comfortable apartment. I loved my room and kept to myself. I was friendly but I wasn’t looking to be friends. From my personal issues I probaly cried here and there in my room but I was never loud and I never involved my roommate. She came from a beautiful area just outside if the city and laughed at me when I pronounced a word that sounded funny to her. She asked me if I liked a certain pop star whom I regarded as a bully and I answered that she simply reminded me in style of the person whom I felt she was bullying. I just said well she reminds me of _______ and my roommate was silent. I wasn’t surprised my seemingly stuck up roommate didn’t like the pop star who I thought was being passive aggressively bullied. One day she saw I had candy and insisted that I use one of her bowls to keep them in so I said thank you. A little while later she was wondering where her bowl was and I reminded her that she leant it to me for my candy and said “Would you like me to bring it out for you and she said “no no.” A little while later she took it out of my room and left a note saying that she did not mean that I could keep this bowl. I didn’t want the bowl in the first place and when she inquired about it I wanted to go right in my room and give it back to her but she insisted “no no.” So now I guess she feels in the position to claim I was purposely keeping the bowl from her. If you look at entertainment and sadly politics right now these are the people that rule the world now.

If I expressed any distress over people manipulating me she came to the conclusion that I had to go and insulting me in various words and actions creating a runaway train of judgement that I couldn’t stop. That I can never stop…why?…because I cry in public. When I look back on my life and what I have observed I have been treated worse than a criminal and with so much anger for voicing my opinion and crying in public. I have been hurt by this as well as fascinated by it. I had no lease so she could dump me out and treat me with contempt because she found it odd that I hardly came out of my room. That is what she informed my sister who knowing me didn’t think very highly of my roommate. My sister would ofyen tell me not to cry in front of people because my family knows me but others do not. I personally don’t look down on people who cry in public but as I have learned the hard way in life, I am from a different planet.

So I am forced to move back in with my sister from a place where I paid my rent on time, kept my room and common areas immaculate. I found another roommate who moved after two years and then I moved into my current situation which I love. Well a person whom I live with that I get along great with who has so much admiration for ne…her boyfriend asked me to doing some eork for him that involves me going to his apartment. After I say sure he informs ne of where his apartment is and it is in the same complex and one building up from where my fprner passive aggressive roommate lives. I thinl this former roommate already badmouthed me to an employer and that employer coincidently couldnt use me anymore shortly after she came in the shop. I do not want anything to do with this woman because I feel she wants to spread negativity around me. Of all the places this guy could live it had to be there. I already said I would do but backing out would mean me having to explain why and I do not want to lose the afmiration of my landlady. I also dont want to go there and this woman seeing me and somehow bad mouth me to this guy. Like I said I understand coincidences buf I have toomany “coincidences.” I am minding my businesd, trying to improve my life and then some negativity from my past tries to trip me up. I didn’t want this, I didnt look for it but it found me as usual. I dont know what to do.

I even feel the guy on some level wants to trip me up…and when it comes to guys it doesn’t matter how much another woman admires you. I didn’t ask for any of this and now I am stressed out on my day off. I should be doing something fun right now.

Any advice?

• This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Lisa.

I am feeling a bit disconnected right now as I am on vacation. Relaxing doesn’t come easy to me. I got a new notebook today to consolidate my goals. I have been working on them. It’s amazing how fatigued I am.

I will get back on track.

I apologize for the typos in my previous post. I waited to long to edit and I can not now.

Can I just say how much this website has helped me and continues to help me. I really beeded to read the current article on the main page today. Believe me there have been so many that have helped me since I first started posting here and before. Thank you for all your inspirational words.

Anita I am doing ok. Please do not be too concerned with my description of the last few days because I am aware that I need to take care of myself, it’s just sometimes I get into these situations. I have not really had a good meal since Sunday because I ran out of money and have to wait until tomorrow to get paid. I had a gift card that was able to get me through the weekend and a little on Monday but I had to be careful what I ate because of what I have been avoiding. I was completely tapped by Monday and since Monday I have been living on an occasional vegetable with salad dressing and a couple of pretzels a day a customer brought in at my work. The last two nights I have been scrounging in my fridge for little stuff to eat here and there but nothing that could really be called breakfast lunch or dinner. I finally broke down and asked someone if I could have a little of their granola for breakfast tomorrow and they said of course. I didn’t tell them I have not really eaten in days. I akso like the fact that I am going to the grocery store tomorrow as I get paid tomorrow. Thank goodness because I am hungry. I had to eat a few small things that were not part of my diet but my calorie intake in the last few days have been extremely low so I still lost weight. I have also been walking to work and walking home. It’s takes an hour and a half both both ways which is to say I am walking 3 hours a day.

I know this is not healthy and I have to make sure I am fedproperly…I have just never been very good budgeting my money. I will get back on track with my healthy eating tomorrow.

I am really trying to embrace imperfection. I thought about how I was not taking proper care of myself and know that I have to focus on my goals and making them my daily gabits rather than thinking about the outcome.

Work is physically demanding. I often go home exhausted and my lack of eating this week is starting to take a toll on my energy. I love what I contribute to my work but I don’t love everything and obviously I do not make a lot of money.

I am on edge a little bit today because A. Ihaven’t had a good meal in 4 days and B. My PMDD is going on. I am an expert on how I think and feel when it happens so I have been taking a supplement that is suppose to help me balance my hormones.

Next Friday I start a very rare 10 day vacation! I so need it.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by Lisa.

Lucy  I do enjoy hearing from you but I wouldn’t want you to feel you have to post…especially if you are not up to it.

I have a hard time sometimes posting as well. When I go a few days without posting it is usually more than just work (although that is a major factor.)

Right now I am feeling a little edgy. I know when that time comes up. I will say for myself that I worked pretty hard on my first goal although I have to work on a few aspects of my first goal. It continues on to the next week though like I said and is a work in progress. The best thing I accomplished is changing my eating habits. I keep reminding myself of what is down this path if I go back to eating unhealthy and what could be down this other path if I eat to nourish my body.

I am missing something and I wish I could find a replacement for what I am missing besides food. I have been so good and trust me I have had several temptations thrown at me but it’s now or never for me. I am telling myself that to motivate myself. I have to do this.

I did get upset about a half an hour ago wondering where my soulmate is. That void in my life is getting to me right now. I have to hang on and be patient.

I have lost a few pounds alread just changing my eating, I started Yoga, meditation, walking more. One of my struggles has been drinking enough water…I have to work on that and carry into the new week along with everything else. My weeks of this program I started for myself begin on Thursdays. My second week is all about exercise so this should be interesting. I love to walk and hike on trails and I love swimming. I also love to ride a bike. So it’s exercise this week.

Like I said, love to hear from you but only if you are ready.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by Lisa.

I am feeling so different than I did on May 1st when I created this thread. I am not suddenly cured of my loneliness and I am not 100 percent confidant that my feelings then won’t return but I feel so driven now. I have made an elaborate plan for life goals and how to approach them more involved than I have ever done before. Because I have so much to work on I feel I have to do it this way. So much ties into my feeling alone.

I have many goals in different areas but my first focus is eating well and sleeping well. Yes my ultimate goal is to do this to properly take care of my body but in my ultimate goal here to help with my loneliness it will help my self confidence to be happier with my body image. I have already made progress but do not want to be obsessed with constantly checking it. Part of me feeling attractive is my taking care of my body by eating foods that help me and drinking plenty of water.

I have written some affirmations for whenever my feelings start to spiral down so I have that. I also do have this forum and I believe this forum has really inspired me to be as driven as I am right now to do something about my problem.

As I am focusing on each goal I will not forget to be mindful of my thoughts on men and to change the way I think. Right now I am very optimistic and hopeful.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by Lisa.

Lucy I am glad to hear someone say that they are inspired to keep trying and if what I write helps that along on any level that makes me happy.

Thank you Lucy. Right before I joined this forum I was very depressed and have had my ups and downs so I don’t know when I will be feeling optimistic or down. Right now I am very optimistic and it is on my list to soften my down periods so they don’t completely cloud my judgement.
A certain mantra upsets you or the idea of centering your feelings and letting go upsets you? I think I know what about it bothers you but I think even though it sounds detached the goal is to quiet the mind so I think we can make decisions with more clarity. I fortunality have had very pleasant feelings listening and repeating mantras. My emotions get to be too much when either my hormones kick in or I feel I am being treated as unimportant or as someone who just needs to be tolerated because she’s here. Of course I feel or think those thoughts more deeply other times than now. I think I have a real self esteem issue that like right now I can deal with and want to work on. Unfortunality also when my emotions get to be too much I tend to rant about everything I am feeling. There really isn’t anyone in my personal life I can do that with.

Yes it is a very important part of my dream to have a relationship with a man and it is one of the reasons I want to change but my ultimate reason is I want to be the person I was meant to be when I was born and part of that is being open to love and acceptance and giving back to people I know and meet. One of my biggest problems in life is my extreme loneliness and I don’t want to be sad most of the time anymore but I have been feeling these things for years. I understand the importance of a person being happy with or without someone else but I want to experience a real connection with someone and have friends and have a family. That is what I dream of and also what I envy in others.

I felt I did love myself when I was younger but I was an extremely sensitive child and the get up and don’t cry environment amongst the often anger I experienced and saw between others growing up as well as the competitive school I went to where the strongest and happiest excelled…I felt abandoned. If you experienced pain of any kind in my family or the neighborhood your options seem to be to become more stoic and or use drugs to hide your pain. I fortunality did not turn to this growing up but I dealt with my undealt with pain by retreating from the anger in my family, from the other children who I felt just wanted to ridicule me and eventually not giving the rest of the world a chance because of these early experiences. Sadly both of my parents turned to alcohol or drugs as well as some of my mother’s siblings. I went to the library, museums or stayed in my room and imagined myself somewhere else, being someone else.

I do agree that people are attracted to people who are happy but also to people who show all human emotions in a healthy way. I think when one or two emotions take over our lives we seem less balanced to others. Like Anita and others have said we don’t feel an emotion all the time but people like me with the way I have allowed my life to go I often feel sadness and anger way too much but I never found a way to deal with it thinking if someone loved me and accepted me no matter what I would feel better. The problem is that people you never met before can’t really see the person you are inside and only experience what is on the surface.

I do think it is important to be yourself and we are ourselves under our pain which is why it might be good for us to let go and release it. We are always ourselves deep down.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by Lisa.