Lucy and Anita I have been interupted by work. Will post tonight. About 7 hours from now.

Angela I totally respect your perspective. I really think we are the same people no matter what age we are and the struggle is not allowing our experiences to cover up our true selves. In my case I have let my experiences rule my life and only a handful of people are able to see the real me inside. I don’t even rocognize myself anymore and it often feels like this negative force has taken over my life and I am powerless over it. I have been waiting for someone to rescue me from it.
I respect your experiences the only difference is the length of time that they have affected our lives.

Thank you for your empathy. I wish I was more embarrased by my situation because I had a family member once tell me that I really shouldn’t admit out loud that I have never had a relationship. I am way more secretive about it with aquatants and even a few friends. This is why I like posting on a public forum instead of people who know me. I often wish my family was more concerned when I was a teen staying in my room but I was firm and my grandfather who did try to get me help with a counselor eventually just let me do what I wanted. He was grieving his wife at the time and I don’t think he really knew what to do. The allowances he made for me didn’t really sit well with others in the family though. I just had a memory of my guidance counselor who I was in love with really expressing understanding for what I was going through. If everyone had been like him at that time I might have been less resistant to listening. I remember my female gym teacher stood there in the guidance counselors office and said she thought I was throwing a temper tantrum. Maybe I was. I had enough and felt powerless to bullying, to feeling used, to feeling that I was fated to be nothing special, being the recipient of verbal intimidation. Don’t know why that scene just popped in my head.

Angela I can relate to crying myself to sleep. I hope you do not do that as long as I have and hope you find what you want in your life. I feel for you and can relate to you and I agree, I believe that it won’t be forever for you or for me although I believe more in your ability.

I was raised Catholic and although I do find some things comforting there are many things I do not get and never did so when it comes to religion or belief rather I think it’s a very personal understanding that you come to. I am very open to hearing about all different perspectives when it comes to what someone believes. I approach it like those holistic flyers you see sometime that have different inspirational words and the flyer says take what you need. I do pray though for me personally but I am very open to all different beliefs

I have “friends” but I have difficulty maintaining a close relationship with anyone so I came to this forum for advice and an opportunity to communicate with people.
I absolutely should be doing the things I enjoy on the side but I don’t. I can only compare the reason I do not drive as to my views on living life. I won’t learn to drive because not everyone follows the rules. I won’t participate in a game if I know people might cheat. I do not want to be part of life with other human beings unless everyone is treated as equally valuable. I grew up with the thought that some are for reason just more valuable than others and no matter how well I behaved, no matter what grades I got, no matter how much love I could offer a person they will always see someone else as more valuable than I am. I don’t agree with that way of thinking. It’s just what has developed at a very early age. I literally decided one day in high school that I was going to my room and wanted to be left alone. My grandfather being the age he was compared me to Greta Garbo. Lol. I had heard of her name but I had to look her up in the library to see what he meant. When I was a teenager the library was my internet and it really was the only place that got me out of my room.
It is on my list of things to do though to get a better paying job hopefully in a stress free environment. Needless to say after losing my grandfather, the man basically taking care of me, I had to go into the cruel working world and it has proven to be a nightmare at times for me who really wanted to stay in my room and let me dream about the way I wish my life was. I was not spoiled or felt entitled is was my safety from the world even though I had enough to deal with at home from other people, not my grandfather. It’s wonderful that you take care of yourself and I as of yesterday will make a real effort to pay more attention to my looks. Getting in shape is part of that plan. I know it should be for myself but I think about how I can look and know it could help me in the relationship department or at least in the attraction department. If only I didn’t have to speak. lol

I agree with you that there is someone out there for you and for me and taking baby steps to improving myself. I read somewhere recently that you can make all the long term goals you want but if you don’t change your daily habits you will get the same outcome you have always got. I hope and wish for you to find your special someone to share your life with. Thank you again.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Lisa.

Anita I have come up with a plan of some sort. It is starting out as the others did with many goals written but this time I added affirmations in the front of my binder to try to change my thought patterns. I know what to do intellectually, it’s my stubborn thoughts that I have been carrying around with me since I was a teen and then my emotions and sometimes my pmdd takes over and I go back to the beginning of feeling I need to do something.

I don’t know how to get around this because when any of the above kicks in I become incredibly negative and then all the obstacles come up. I don’t know how to participate in something unless everything is perfect. Like if I didn’t have financial woes I could pay for intensive personality makeover or physically be put back into shape.

I am feeling good about what I accomplished this weekend but know all too well my obstacles sure to come up: fear, hurt, loneliness, judging all by the comments of some. I wanted to share with you my feelings on some of the comments posted after some other online articles but not sure if it’s productive.

I also need to see some results rather quickly and become discouraged if I take away my coping methods and nothing comes of it. I have so many issues that are interlinked that I can not set aside even one of them.

I put myself on a more nutritional diet today and plan on walking back and forth to work, as well as some strength training and yoga this week. I want to do it for my health but it’s always in the back of my mind to acheive looking the way I onced looked. I know I am babbling now and even stopped writing about what I am afraid of in my goal settings.

I have a whole binder of things I need to focus on that I worked on this weekend as well as some physical work around the house maybe I am a little fatigued. I should post tomorrow after a bit of rest…

• This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Lisa.

Lucy thank you, I never want to stop trying, stop learning, stop growing…
Yoga is a very personal experience and is mainly focused on concentration and the breath and that is where the poses begin. After you focus on your breathing and thoughts the physical poses come with time. Not sure if your yoga teacher was thinking of yoga as some kind of competition but I have fortunality been lucky to have very good yoga teachers who taught me that everyone can practice yoga. Unfortunality the limitations I experience I put on myself because I am competitive. I am my own worse enemy. I feel like the victum but follow the lead of my oppressors even though I know they are wrong. When I think about it, how messed up is that? lol.
For you I think you can find a much better yoga teacher. One who truly knows the foundation of a yoga practice.

Lucy I don’t think I would be good communicating one on one with someone right now. I don’t feel as if I am dependable enough. For me communicating on a forum pretty much anonymously makes it easier “for me” to be honest. I have said things here I have not even told members of my family. I would actually like to continue posting on a more public forum until I am ready to communicate with someone directly which I don’t feel I am ready to do right now. I absolutely welcome you to post in this thread and would love to converse with you if you feel you want to. I am the opposite, I feel I can put it all out there to a lot of people I do not know personally but have difficulty having private conversations. I will retreat and hold back the way that I am right now.

I look forward to hearing more about you if you choose to post more.

Lisa

• This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Lisa.

I agree Anita, I feel you are saying that I need to shift my focus away from the goals I thought of before. Instead of getting in shape to attract a man I should want to get in shape to be healthy and please myself? I “think” that is what you are saying. What I can not get away from though is that I do believe I make myself unattractive and have done so to keep men away. Not consciously.

I would like to create a full plan for what I need to do in this thread. Hopefully my ability to help other people will change in the near future but my focusing on myself in a productive way needs to happen now. I will come up with a plan but so much to overcome. My biggest hurdle is fear though I think.

Thank you Anita for encouraging me to post more. I appreciate it. I wrote move on with this thread because I felt I was taking up too much of people’s time, yours included. What I have talked about in this thread fro7m my input is really what I have been going over in my head for years but I have new perspectives.

I feel as if I should be actually doing something about my problem. That has to happen. I have had wonderful input from everyone and though I do accept a lot I am not sure if I really feel it all. I feel I need to jump in the pool to see my reactions and think I would better understand myself.

With all my feelings about men I truly think my biggest obstacle is going to be how I feel about myself. I am super critical of myself. I feel as if I have the abilty to look very good because I have before and if I can keep my stress level down I can get into shape. My almost insurmountable problem is not feeling I deserve anyone. It is so ingrained in me to think I am not part of the human race and feeling like I come from another planet. I feel so poorly about myself that if anyone pays attention to me now I wonder what is wrong with their judgement. My self esteem is not good.

Another obstacle is getting myself hopeful by starting another project to improve my life and then giving up and abandoning it….and then becoming angry and depressed…

• This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Lisa.

Anita thank you for your patience.

I have a difficult time equating my feelings with “hate” when it comes to men. When I think of hate I think of something or someone you want nothing to do with.

I know that people are not thinking “oh she’s just defending herself” when I say some of the things I say but it truly is how I feel. I feel as if I am defending myself or other women when I give my opinion. I am always on guard but I truly felt one man unfairly criticised a woman and I truly thought that others who have not liked what I said were trying to intimidate me or spoke to me in a way that made me feel as if I was not valuable. I do not go up to random men and be difficult with them although on occasion thanks to my PMDD I can be quite rude to men and women, especially if I feel they have relationships. That’s when my loneliness turns into jealousy and anger.  I do not single men out when I feel like that. When I am rational like I am right now I feel no irritation at the men and women passing me by in the cafe right now. I am jealous of relationships but it doesn’t result in me blaming them for being able to have them when I feel I can not.

I understand what you are saying and I hear many people use the word “hate.” I think I just view the word differently than most but that is the case for a lot of things. I don’t feel I hate men because I feel I wouldn’t want a relationship with one so badly if I did. I found it difficult to answer because I didn’t want to continue being argumentative with you when you are trying to give me advice.

I do agree that I probaly give off a vibe of stay away from me or I can be overly assuming and judgemental about the intentions of some men. I do agree somewhat that I can be prejudiced against men thinking they are all the same to some extent. I especially feel that when my emotions are running high or I feel hurt.

As someone who didn’t feel heard growing up I always live in fear that if I do not say anything then no one will when it comes to things I think are unfair. I am extremely stubborn which is why I admire extremely stubborn women and men as a matter of fact. They don’t sway. I view their stubborness as strength.

I know to have a relationship I am going to have to start to sway or be open minded but it is so hard. I was bullied in a lot of ways when I was a child and I use to cower and hide until one day I turned around and looked directly into someone’s face and said very pointedly, “I’m not afraid of you.” I came to view all men as either ones who wanted to use me, intimidate me, or mock me. They weren’t always like that but they were a good amount of the time so they were my role models for men. My grandfather who I do believe liked me and didn’t want to hurt me could be very old fashioned with his views so even if he was a better role model who would I have found like him when I should have been dating years ago? He was from a completely different generation.

I found myself drawn to men on television who were different from the men I knew growing up. I didn’t have crushes on “bad boys” or men who everyone else was having a crush on. My crushes were on men who I thought were physically attractive although they might not be to a majority of people. I was more interested in the way they acted and interacted with other people. I was fascinated with their emotional intelligence and gentle way they had. I loved their talent and their strength as well. I am not saying that all the men I grew up with didn’t have moments like that, they just had too many issues that overpowered who they could have been.

I also feel I didn’t have a female mentor of any kind growing up. I “felt”my aunts abandoned me to get married and have their own children. My real mother was never really able to overcome her issues to be a strong influence on me and my grandmother who was very practical and had a very difficult childhood was just glad to have a roof over her head.

I know I am rambling but I do agree that I am a big part of the problem as to why I have never been able to form a romantic relationship and also why I have difficulties with friendship and people trying to help me. I have more than a few issues and working all the time for little money is exhausting and I feel I do not have the time or money to get the help I need.

I still think that I can turn it around and find a way out of my loneliness. I just don’t know if I have the tools or the directions on how to make it work. I know I have to move on with this thread though and start actually doing something about my problem. Thank you again for being patient with me.

Lisa

• This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Lisa.

Anita I am trying to answer your post but I am having a difficult time doing so.