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Thank you both! I think I need to finish this as there are other heartbreaks and disappointments I have not talked about but I wanted to condense as much as possible and give an idea of how my life went and how it is still going.
I have made decisions in haste that I regret but my answer to those is to never allow myself to learn from those decisions, understand why I made them and then move on. I simply avoid the situations where I have felt like a failure, thinking that I deserve to be punished for making the wrong decision or being thoughtless. Most of those things I feel were reactions to what coincidently happened to me. I won’t take responsibilty for what is thrown my way. I just feel resentful and damaged and not worth the trouble of understanding. I can forgive others but can not forgive myself.
I also have had a very difficult time forgiving my parents. I regret for instance the way I talked to my mother before she died. I sent her flowers when she was in treatment and went to see her the day beforr she died. I believe I told her I loved her because I wanted “her” to hear that. I believe I said it to her. My father whom I never remember meeting died 4 years after and I was told by a manager at my work who was informed by my cousin I just discovered that he was in the hospital in another state. He lived a good distance from me but she told me that he wanted to talk to me. I was told this a day before he died. I believe he was suppose to be taken off life support. I don’t even know what he really looks like. My cousins family apparantly couldn’t come up with a picture.
I wondered why he didn’t try to contact me when he apparantly was living in my neighborhood until I was about 21. Why didn’t he try to contact me anytime after that? He wanted to talk to me but didn’t do anything about it. I know my mother’s family wanted him to stay away but after I was an adult couldn’t he have at least tried to talk to me? I definately had a wall up and was very wary of personal relationships although I tried to belong to my aunt’s family. Despite difficulties they seemed to love each other and I wanted that so bad. I wanted to belong to a family. I was always treated like I was my mother’s age because my grandparents took me in and told me I was their child so their children followed that. I was never really accepted as a child in need but someone who was my mother’s age.
It hurts me that my parents couldn’t get it together for me. I know they were young but like me they probaly both had difficulty growing up because of their own personal problems. I knew who my mother was but I wish I had known my father. I am told that he was an artist, a sculptor and that is probaly where I get my artistic talent from. My uncle who was his friend before I was born also said I am inquisitive like he was.
Right now I am failing at my current set of goals. I can’t stick to them by myself. If I am with people I am more disciplined but on my own I lapse.
I can only simply summarize myself right now.
I rent a room. I am 48 years old. I have a low paying job. I am very attractive when I take care of myself. I cry a lot. I am beyond lonely. I daydream a lot about how I wish my life was. I am a good person but often become resentful and angry over not feeling included or wanted. I have never been jealous of material things or money. I am jealous of relationships. I sometimes see people and wonder with all their issues how where they still able to have a family and relationships and I am still alone? I have even had a man (married of course) tell me he has absolutely no idea why I have such a problem having a relationship. I don’t quite understand it.Dating and relationships I see as hurtful because you can get rejected but also might reject someone else. I think I am afraid of rejecting someone even more than being afraid of getting rejected. I have felt unwanted whether it’s true or not and do mot want to make anyone else feel unwanted. That is why I see dating as callous. I am too serious I think.
You have to but I think at this point because I could go on and on I could just answer any questions you have because as far as my life story I don’t know where else to go. I could fill a novel with all my little experiences, nissed opportunities, regrets in why I am alone. How can I turn around years and years of being a certain way and possibly at a time where I will rejected even more than I would have been before?
Thank you for reading,
Lisa
I spent the latter half of the 00’s living with my aunt and her husband. I didn’t have to worry about any issues with the home I was living in but I felt like a charity case. No matter how hard I worked having my own home seemed like something that was not meant to be for me. I also became more sedentary. I did take art classes but didn’t graduate. I also noticed my ocd became worse. I obsess a lot and constantly wash my hands. My obsessions for example was worrying that if I didn’t pick the right cup something bad was going to happen. I also thought I could prevent bad things from happening by whatever shirt I put on that day. I have totured myself over that nearly my whole life. Those are just examples of my ocd.
Getting back to men. I have even wished for a man to find me. It’s so important that he wants me first. Anything less I see as failure. My grandfather and a few married men seemed to enjoy my company but my grandfather died and the women attached to the married men would get slightly annoyed with me talking to them. I had absolutely no intentions other than knowing I had friends. Like I kinda said, I am very old fashioned when it comes to love. I just felt the women I knew had absolutely no care in the world that I was alone and my one friend just wanting someone she had something in common with. The men I talked about would give me compliments and tell me that it upsets them to see me in pain. I could go more depth on this but I don’t want to give the wrong impression.
I finally moved out of my aunt’s house and into a rented room in a big beautiful home that within a month turned into a disaster that almost caused me to have a nervous breakdown. I started not caring about all the things I always cared about because I was becoming resentful and I guess bitter. Yet again my home turned into a nightmare. I would not like to go into it because I don’t want to relive it. Then I moved out and shared a lovely apartment with a roommate that turned out to be not so lovely. At that point I had to move back in with my aunt. My job that I had been working at for almost 10 years fired me shortly after for not being able to control my emotions. I would often cry at work like I did at every other job I had. This was the job I had advanced with the most too.
A woman got me in trouble too and she seened very happy to do it to. I often feel like I am being punished. I would like to know what for though. Of course I had to get a job that paid much less than I was making at the long term job. I finally had to move out of my aunt’s again and into a lovely home that teased a catastrophe for me but subsided but by then I was so fragile of anything happening in my home I had a meltdown. Not again. My poor roommate had suffered something the year before though. I stayed there and watched her dogs which was a joy for me but then she moved which meant I had to move. I now rent a room in a lovely home but you guessed it, something that I am very phobic about happened. It hasn’t actually happened yet but some work has to be done on the house and I just need reassurance that it is going to be ok.
I started last night writing out goals for 1 day, 1 week, 1 month, year, 2,3,4,5 years and I accomplished some of my daily goals but not all of them and since someone didn’t spend time with me today I have gone off my diet. I was seeing a therapist a month or two ago but I just can’t afford it on my current job.
I feel sick right now and sitting alone watching the rain outside.
It’s like a cycle you know. Your lonely so you try to curb your lonliness with something that might be contributing to your lonliness. I know on paper what needs to be done but I feel like I’m climbing a hill made of mud.
Pinch of Attitude I am sorry you had a cold. I am glad you are doing better. How am I? I am kinda depressed right now. I am trying to tell my life story and I was feeling better but I research too much about my problem and I feel there is no hope for me and I can’t bear doing things I don’t like on a daily basis when I can not get my own basic needs met.
I am so glad for you that you have a husband like that. Thank you for your advice on relationships although I merely have family that is kinda stuck with me and really no relationships at all anymore. I am truly sad. I don’t know why he hasn’t come along or why he won’t.
Yeah I fight but it’s like I won’t except that I’m losing or lost. Men around me everyday tell me in small ways that I am not worthwhile. I didn’t know what to do then, how in the world am I going to know what to do now?
Writing is all I have. Thank you for the nice things you said and for taking the time to read my thoughts and try to help me. I can not wait for the day when I feel strong enough to help other people. Thank you.
Thank you Anita for liking the way I put things…and thank you for offering to put together my entries and share your thoughts. I really do appreciate it but please do not take on anything too time consuming.
I will try to explain more this morning but very depressed so I might be more emotional than usual and it “might” be short.
Through the 00’s I had a long list of roommates who were all younger than me. Some I got along with very well. Some not at all and some who dismissed me as someone to take advantage of, leaving me with bills etc. A lot of issues happened in the house I was renting. The fire, one of my roommates was assaulted by someone she brought home when she passed out from something she was given. I still don’t know what the full story was. I was woken up by policemen early in the morning but my door to my room was jammed shut by a computer desk given to me that was propped up against the door that night. I just happened to get it that night. I wish I knew what was going on but I was asleep and I heard no noise.
I talked to the detective but I couldn’t tell him much. On a very side note as I am talking about something serious and only because it pertains to what my life problem has been, the detective thought I looked much younger than I actually was. I was about 34-35 at the time. He then said goodbye. Like I said I am only bringing that up because I am talking about my experience with men. The roomnate thanked me for talking to the detective but I wish I was able to protect her or help her in some way. My survival mind wanted to ask her “What were you thinking bringing home some guy you just met?” My empathetic mind just feels compassion for her and even though they both exist my empathetic mind when it comes to others always comes out more. My survival mind is always there though and I would have not taken that chance.
I can get deep into my thoughts of men but I am afraid of what I might think of them based on my own experiences. Socially I am very liberal but when it comes to personal relationships I am very conservative and even my grandfather said back when I was a teenager that I built a wall around myself. I’m afraid. I have seen wonderful men but they don’t seem to find me. These men often compliment me but they are usually with someone else or go no further than a comiment and then move on. They find my family and friends.
I will continue later, I am trying to wrap this up. I know in my head that I talk and talk and don’t take action in things that could improve my life but I think my reasons might be rooted in several reasons which is why it’s difficult for me.
I feel if someone whom I was attracted to wanted me and actually put in an effort I would turn into this loving person. I wonder if I would sabotage the relationship the way I unconsciously sabotage my friendships. Relationships of any kind are difficult for me unless it’s in service to someone and that someone never criticizes me. I do have someone like that in my life. She puts up with me being late which I am almost always late. She listens to me and tells me she understands. There is another person and these two people are somewhat authority figures in my life. They never lose their high opinion of me no matter how much I get upset or cry or am late..
I am always in survival mode with little bursts of ambition that fizzle out and then I just remain in survival mode. I have always wanted to be an artist. I have done murals for my family and friend but nothing professional. I took art classes at Community College but didn’t finish my associate’s degree. I earned a certificate in Interior Design and never pursued a job. I wanted to be a journalist and a writer when I was in grade school but everything after grandmother died happened and I went off track of having interests or pursuits. I wanted to be a teacher but the school I wanted to go to was too expensive. I’ve wanted to be an art therapist, art teacher…later on I actually took classes in real estate and barely graduated only to fail the exams. I can retake the exams but I’m not sure I want to.
In recent years I have thought of being a writer and illustrator but I am so tired from my job. So stressed. I can not make these things happen. All the while I am dreaming of myself in some alternate universe in a relationship with a man and I am sometimes dealing with worse problems that I actually do in my real life. The only difference is I am not alone.
For most of the 90’s it was just me and my dog with passing chances with men. I could get initial attention but rarely beyond that. I had two tiring but somewhat fullfling jobs in my life that I spent many years at. I could have moved up but lost both to my mood problems and crying.
I have tried medication, diet, exercise, affirmations, self help tapes, a couple seminars, hypnosis, psychics, gemstones, therapy, therapy, therapy, yoga, outpatient treatment, group therapy, Self help books, books on how to flirt, I have tried even more.
The only thing I haven’t tried is dating for fun. I can’t do that. I have never done that. Friendship is different but a romantic relationship I think something more has to be there than just liking someone. I also hate the idea of rejecting someone even though I have had to do it in a kind of blowing off initial attention towards me.
I feel as if I would know him if he showed up. I felt that way with a man I talked with online a few years back and when he just stopped talking to me I was devastated. I am not pushy and would wait for him to talk to me. It got to the point that I had to always be the one to start conversations. I still miss him. He definately was someone I was looking for. He was intelligent, funny, sensitive but strong, thoughtful, cared about the environment, politics, what was going on in the world, extraverted, critical when he felt it was needed, caring about people, caring about animals, I know I said funny but he was often funny in a very subtle way that I loved, handsome.
I didn’t grow up around many guys who had these traits at least I didn’t notice any. The guys I grew up around were very critical but not constructively critical. They often seemed to have narrow interests consisting of sports and beer. I have no problem with either, it’s the lack of interest in any thing else I don’t understand. What is strange is I have discovered along the way that men who were married to my friends did have other interests but you had to delve into a deeper conversation to find those interests.
Well the 90’s consisted of me working at a low paying job and the best thing I did was be a nanny to children.
I lived for the most part in my not so nice apartment with my dog. I worked and spent a lot of time with my best friend who just got married and was starting a family. We were definately not on the same page and she wanted me to have a relationship as well. I met a friend of her husbands who was cute and funny and who seemed to like me but after I said something kinda negative, not about him but other men, he really didn’t pursue any kind of relationship with me. Even when we were alone sleeping on the couches at the beach in my friend’s family house.
So yeah I went out a few times in the 90’s but only with friends watching them have relationships, develop relationships, receive flowers for valentine’s day. Cried a lot.
Around 2000 I had a job that paid well by my experience anyway but was very difficult and badically more of same as far as my relationship with my co workers go.Oh I had a job just before this one and after the one I had a long time in the 90’s. Here is a good example of a consistant theme in my life. I was working at a department store with the naive notion that this could be fun. I was put into one department that I loved but stocking was something I was not very good at and I had to do it quickly and I couldn’t. I wanted to clean everything. I also had to tend to the cash register. I was great at the register. Often the department store would have me cover two departments at once and one department required me to go up to the stock room every time someone wanted to make a purchase because they were large items. It often took me away from my first department. This was 1998 so you can imagine how thin workers are being spread today in department stores if you wonder you can’t find someone to help you.
One day the register was short and my register was always on point but there was no explanation for it. Then it happened again and one of the managers looked at me with a glare and walked away like I did something wrong. It was obvious that someone was stealing from the register at that point. They acted like they were sure it was me and even put me in this room with no windows talking to a detective and what did I do? I cried of course. I cried because I was insulted not because I did anything. Apparantly in their world and I guess everyone else’s that means you did something wrong but I felt like a victum. Like I was being punished for doing a good job. There were so many things I was not but I was miss honest and I took this as an insult and just another instance of being treated shabbily by men. The woman who was head cashier believed me when I said I did nothing wrong. I was in there a long time and I mantained I did nothing wrong and vecoming depressed. They had no choice but to leave me back on the floor.
Well they find out on camera the someone who found a way to open the register and I am clearly in the other department at the same time. They simply informed me of this and offered no apology for what they put me through. My immediate manager didn’t think they needed to apologize. Another manager asked me “Did they straigten you out on what happened” so he showed concern. As far as I was concerned the damage was done. I gave them notice and quit. That is just one example of many in my life.
The 00’s were worse than the 90’s as I didn’t have my best friend anymore after an argument in 2002. I lost my dog. I didn’t really have friends to go out with anymore. I had younger roommates and everyone my age had moved on to having families. I spent a lot of time alone. Going out alone. Staying in my room alone. I went to art museums and cafes and bought music and books. I lived at the bookstore. Still searching for ways to have a life. I lost my home that I was renting in a fire a week before my natural mother died. I had to live with my family. So I was not only alone. I had lost my independence.
A recurrent theme in my life is things where the odds were against them happening always seems to happen to me. The only way I can describe it is that it seems I have a poltergeist following me around setting me up in situations that often are distressing for me. I could list numerous examples but I will use my experiences in my several homes over the years. I have experienced every phobia I have in my homes with events and problems that seem to focus on my own specific fears. I don’t even want to describe them right now just that I have experienced way more than common ordinary problems in my homes.
I have even got into trouble for things that seemed to have happened to me. I have never woken up and said “let’s see, what can I do wrong today?” I have even said to people “Just once I would like to get into trouble for something I caused.” I never want to cause trouble though so I am left with it always finding me. I even obsess over not causing trouble. I second guess almost every move I make wondering what or how what I say or do will affect anyone. So I have felt victumized by things that don’t seem like coincidences to me. Those coincidences often target my specific phobias and undermine the only traits of my personality I am proud of.
I lost my friend because I could not forgive what I felt was criticism of me. I felt she had everything else that I couldn’t have and I felt she was responsible for taking away the only things I had to be proud of. I know I am not making this clear but I still feel the unfairness of things I have had to deal with.
I miss my friend but our relationship played out and we were obviously not going down the same road. I am sure she has many friends, is happy and doesn’t need me.
I kinda lost another friend although she hasn’t unfriended me on fb. I still “like” her posts but she ignores mine completely. I don’t feel like going into my story with her. It’s not long or overly dramatic, I just want to move on for the moment.
I have been fired from jobs because of crying. I can’t tell you how often I have cried in my life. I believe I suffer from PMDD. Supplements and herbs help and I have had the same symptoms since I was a teenager. I really don’t want to talk about my problem with this right now. I only brought it up as a possible cause of my becoming almost a different person every month.
I have been fired, I have quit, I have shown up to work with signs saying sorry we’ve closed. I did do work selling books for awhile but I lost that job because of my emotional problems. No employer ever had a problem with my work though except maybe my current one but it could be my perception.
I would like to get into my strange relationship with men. Men have found me attractive but I have always wondered why. It’s complicated. I am pretty much pleased with the way I look but I have been somewhat overweight since I have been an adult. I eat to medicate myself. I wonder if there is any truth to wanting to make yourself unattractive? I had plenty of physical opportunities with men but I never experienced that feeling that I was someone worth fighting for. Like if I didn’t respond to him immediately it was like ok. I never felt any man loved me. I wasn’t special. I wasn’t worth flowers. No man wanted to protect me either. I felt as if I wasn’t even female. I am upsetting myself right now. In fact I feel that men hate me. I was too honest, too opinionated, too independent..I felt/feel different from other women. Like I am here to be alone and be happy for the all the women who are loved. I don’t know how that happened. I was a pretty girl, I was intelligent, I was talented, I was open to being friends with others. All my potential…I feel I have not taken care of my looks, I quit high school to find peace but I was on the honor roll and could have gone to college. I loved books and learning and education is so important to me. I can draw and I love to write but I have no career in either one.
I wanted someone to see me and I actually thought someone did a few years ago but I can talk about him later. I cried for months though after he and I stopped talking mostly initiated by him and then me not wanting to be pushy.
I will post again tomorrow. It shouldn’t take me much longer.
In my twenties I got my GED and whent to an art school for a 1 year certificate. I majored in Interior Design as I was very interested in it. When I was a teenager I would watch this real estate show on TV that just showed houses in the area for sale with someone describing the home room by room. I would many times just watch and either say or think how unattractive the decorating was in these beautiful homes.
I have always dreamed of having my own home. A place I could decorate and feel secure in. I have never owned my own home. I have never felt completely secure in any of ny homes. My childhood home was often turbulent. My first apartment after I was practically shown the door of my childhood’s home by my uncle’s wife was interesting to say the least. It was very old with peeling wallpaper but it was all I could afford or thought I could afford. I was lost. My grandfather died about a year and a half before I left my childhood home and I lost the one man who wanted me around. I cried the first night in my new apartment.
I got a job and made new friends but like all my friendships my depression and anxiety ruins them. I had a few years with the people I knew here. My one friend tried to get me a boyfriend. I either didn’t connect with them or didn’t feel they were interested enough in me.
I went to clubs and bars with this crew as well as attending amazing Holiday parties. One worker became my best friend although I am wholly sure I was hers. I watched as she and her husband started a family and get a new home. I was happy for her but some of her comments would annoy me. You can’t win with someone like her because they make the whole world love them. I am a bit tired right now. Hopefully I can be more coherent over the weekend.
Let me see if I can consolidate my basic experience all these years. I started seeing a therapist when I refused to go back to high school. She was very nice but she couldn’t get me back into school. No one could but I didn’t feel like the effort to get me back in school was very strong. I thought they all gave up too easily. So at 15 I stayed at home with my grandfather and uncles. I didn’t go out. I had no friends. I cleaned the house, did everone’s laundry and after a couple of years was pressured to get a job. Me, who loved school but didn’t feel I could go. Me who was bright and talented was pushed to get a job and left with people saying they couldn’t believe how I turned out. I was an artist who loved books and school and my schooling was given up on by the adults around me because I didn’t fix my situation overnight. I always felt that people never thought I was worth the effort. They try once but then give up on me.
I cried on the day I was suppose to graduate high school. I missed out on dating. I missed out on the proms. I missed out on friendship. I missed out on being on the honor roll. I missed out on graduation. I missed out on being a teenager. People just let me do it too. I lived with my grandfather and with other men who didn’t always treat me well and I was criticised for not working after cleaning for them.
A fews years after my next door neighbor asked me to go to an aerobics class and that kinda pulled me out of the house to do more outside of my home. For the most part I spent time in the library and fantasizing about being someone else. A version of myself. I never imagined a perfect life with no problems. The only thing different were my connections to people.
Di I mention that my grandmother died when I was 14? It wasn’t long after I found out she wasn’t my real mother.
Dealing with real or imagined rejections from people I continued to imagine being a different version than myself, cleaning the house, barely going out and I also got a job. I did this until my grandfather died when I was 23 and then I was forced to take care of myself completely financially. I lost my home but I will talk about that later and continue this over the weekend.
Thanks again Anita and Pinch Of Attitude for your supportive posts.
I am doing ok. I had to work long hours yesterday and didn’t get home until just over an hour ago. I am still physically sick. My spring allergies always turns into a major cold. Right now I am kinda on my able to deal with my reality moment. Unfortunality it doesn’t last and in a few weeks I will probaly break down again. Something else will happen and it will be too much for me.
Pinch Of Attitude I appreciate you and Anita taking any amount of your time to help me. It has helped. Thank you both for sharing your experiences and I would like to try what has worked for you both. I would like to start on a self inventory. I have the weekend off and will start on that.
I started High School but was shocked by how different it was from my Catholic school. Yeah it was difficult in ways but I didn’t feel that I had to worry about classmates bullying me. Most of the bullying I endured were from neighborhood kids outside of school and some teachers and people I trusted. At least in grade school I could just go about my business with little to worry about. High School which I had big dreams for…I wanted to be a cheerleader, I fell in love, wanted to learn, turned out to be a disaster. I was almost promptly bullied. I did go out for cheerleading, I did fall in love. I lost cheerleading when I couldn’t remember a routine after being sick the day is was taught and of course they choose that routine on the spot for me to do. I fell in love with a boy but couldn’t figure out what to do about it. I wanted to get closer to him but the guy in back of me wouldn’t change seats with me. I have always had the most romantic notions when it comes to love and thought very old fashioned. I wanted him to approach me and even though I think he knew I liked him and was kind and playful with me, he never really approached me. He was a football player and after being relentlessly bullied by a couple of kids and losing cheerleading, I quit. My first sesmester grades were so good I was going to be on the honor roll. My guidance counselor was so sympathetic to the fact that I was being bullied. I had a crush on him as well. One of the teachers thought me quitting was having a temper tantrum. I just wanted out. In 9th grade which I could have breezed through I quit. I was more vunerable there and unlike grade school the teachers didn’t seem to have any interest in teaching which was the only reason I went to school. I quit, stayed in my room or the library and my grandfather set me up with my first therapist.
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