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Well there you go…my new job is ruined. I am a good person and people want me to fail. I’m a good person but I deserve nothing. You think I want so much but all I want are the basics. Respect, love, friendship.
Something happened that stressed me out exceedingly 5 minutes before I had to start work and that is after working my other job in the morning. I was contemplating quitting my early job because my other keeps calling me in on my days off which is giving me no time to rest or accomplish anything.
People must sense that I’m ripe to upset because I was treated rudely just because and I broke down and cried. I have been at this job for months, hiding my hurt when I am treated differently, criticized, laughed at. I ignored it all.
If emotions are not allowed in the workplace then annoyance, favoritism, entitlement. Those things should not be allowed as well. Everyone should be treated the same.
I focus on my job but I annoy some. I can’t make you believe that because you are not able to see it. A few I annoy for reasons I do not know, most ignore me, and a few think I am a wonderful person. The problem is the few I annoy go out of their way to make sure I mess up.
I stayed strong for months. Smiling, taking it, being productive, dependable, coming in whenever they need me.
You know right now. What is the point? What I say will just be repeated back to me. Also how many pages I have taken.
I don’t even know what to say right now. This job was my last hope but I had to be pushed to cry.
Several people joined in the effort. It’s like they sensed I was upset and took full advantage. I have to do another double today. I have to talk to someone who I feel wanted me to get upset about why I got upset. They won. I deflected so much but they are relentless. They never give up. They never give up. I don’t do anything to them. Why do they want to do anything to me? I asked crying last night..why? No one can tell me why. I want to know why. Why?
I have to pretend yesterday didn’t happen because once I have been broken I can’t stop crying and then the ones who thought I was wonderful won’t think so anymore and the ones I annoy are triumphant.
I have a severe headache right now from crying. No one is there for me. I do it all alone.
I have to always be understanding.
I always have to keep my mouth shut.
I have to be available to work all the time.
I am asked to work whenever it’s known that I am not working.
I can not be bothered by slights and people being annoyed at me for the way I speak, whistle, sensitivities, the way I count things. Everything about me is not seen as endearing or admirable. I get eyerolls left and right for almost everything I say and do.
When I am upset about the lack of caring I feel people who expect me to be nice all the time get rigid with me.
They can be irrationally upset about things I do by mistake but I can not be upset with what they do intentionally.
I don’t get back what I give no matter what anyone thinks they know is right. That is not true for everyone and to blame people for how they are treated is insulting.
Let someone else get help on my thread. I want someone to get help. I want it to be productive in some way.
I have to go into work again tonight on my day off and that is what I’m good for. No one is worried about overworking me. I wont turn them down because I want full time. It seems I am working full time but not having full time benefits.
I can not quit my other job because I am not guaranteed a certain amount of hours for my new job that I want. Plus I am a caregiver at my other job and I love the animals I care for.
I am simply not respected. I am the person who gets called in when the women with real lives do what they want and get all the praise and company.
When I am not working I am of no use to anyone.
I can’t tell you how that feels.
I want to respond to the scenario you wrote about Anita about the “saint of a man” but I haven’t been feeling well and dealing with other things. I will get around to responding to that thoroughly but for now can only say it would be nice to have even a small fraction of understanding and support you describe as I have not experienced even a little of that kind of support from a man. There are women out there that demand a lot from their husbands and boyfriends and they get it but I am not willing to play games or act as if I’m their boss. I would accept who they are if they would accept me. Acceptance is a two way street. No one accepts me.
To answer your previous question I would have to be in the mood I’m in when I feel that way. When I was in that mood I felt very very strongly that I was a nothing to men and women would just smirk at my being a nothing. I felt that. I could give you numerous examples of this. I feel it to some extent when I am feeling better but it doesn’t bother me as much. Depending on what week it is I believe strongly that I am disliked.
Rationally I believe that I can not get over my father not being a part of my life, being hurt by people I trusted when I was a child, Most daughters do not have to work on or seek out attention from their fathers. Their fathers are there for them. I was going through a trauma in my teens but felt like everyone thought it was up to me to make everything work. I am stubborn now and insist that I approached first. In the past the only approaches I got were physical I wanted someone to ve interested in me, my thoughts, ideas…no one was.
Today I was listening to a video about “being a victum and how not to be.” I didn’t fully understand everything he was suggesting or said but liked the overall idea he was expressing. Talking about “reactions” which I get but it’s hard when you are hurt or insulted. I would also not want to lose me emotions wholly.
I do believe I put myself into the victum mode but that has always been my experience.
I appreciate your posts because you are one of a handful of people who see something worthwhile in me and actually say it to me. You are very insightful and I feel that you truly want to help. I have had my ups and downs but I am always interested in what you have to say. I think you have tried to motivate me to look forward but I am stubbornly holding on to something I will never have. Unconditional love. It’s the only live I am interested in.
I want to do something about my situation but I don’t know how to act and desperately looking for an answer. If I can figure out what is broken or what is causing the block than I could do something about it. Even in my calmest I do feel I am not pursued. I heard from a friend of mine today how her boyfriend saw me at my work and told her how pretty I looked. I appreciated the compliment but are they always coming from men who are married or atrached?
I am tired right now. I do appreciate your posts Anita and your help. I sound frustrated because I am working with a set of beliefs and looking for answers as to why those beliefs seemed to be reinforced. I want someone to prove what I say is wrong. I am very tired and I am sorry if I haven’t communicated well with you. I do need to go to bed though.
Thank you
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 