Nextsteps,

Thank you for reading my story. I have had a very difficult few weeks and still trying to feel better. Thank you.

I don’t know why I don’t acknowledge that others are alone as well. It does feel like I am the only one. Maybe because I can only imagine me feeling these things about me but can not fathom others feeling this way.

I am looking for someone to care and advice. What I want more than anything though is for someone to explain to me why? Someone that can really see into my life and tell me why I am treated the way I am, why I am ignored by men and why things “happen” to me. I know other people can’t do that, especially if they don’t know me personally. It seems I just have to understand why?

I am back to my goals slowly. Trying to feel better. I have thought about what you said about nature and how terrible things happen to others. It makes me wonder why them? Why anyone?

I do agree with you that some things that happen to us could be a learning experience. There are times I do believe things happen for a reason but I just don’t understand why we or anyone else has to go through these things.

I am sorry to hear that you have felt alone. I do want to meditate but I am not disciplined enough. I have listened to meditations as I have fallen asleep. Thank you for the suggestion and I will check out the one you like.

Thank you also for the online therapy suggestions. I have had not much luck with therapists but I also might not have come this far without them. I understand that I should have patience but it has been a long time waiting to even have a basic life. I haven’t given up though. Thank you for recommending a journal. I love journals.

I would love to get a dog but I am not able to have one at the moment. If someday I have my own home and hopefully be home more I can have a pet. I have thought about letting go of my one job because not only is it physically exhausting it takes away a lot of my time. It also doesn’t have health benefits and my new job will if I can become full time there. I do have to take care of myself because I am waiting for someone to rescue me and no one is interested in doing that. I feel obligated to stay with the dogs I take care of at my older job even though I know there are other people that care for them and they have good homes.

You know I can’t reject anyone including jobs. I feel a sense of obligation to anyone I help. I wonder if one of the reasons I have never dated is the possibility of rejecting someone. Dating is unpredictable and I do not like what I can not control.

I would love to have a job as a writer. One of the reasons that I thought about leaving my first job was because I wanted to start a career as a writer. I would also love to spend time drawing and painting. I have only done these things for friends and family.

Thank you for the many suggestions of people to listen to. I will check them out tonight. I am trying to lift myself up again.

Thank you again,

Lisa

• This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Lisa.

Anita, in almost every situation I put myself, there is at least one person who is greatly annoyed by my presence. People either seem to think very highly of me or think I should be ridiculed. I understand that not everyone is going to like me. That I understand. I don’t like everyone I work with but I would never belittle or be irrationally irritable with them based on their own personal style of speaking, humor….unless it was insulting towards someone. I wouldn’t expect people I manage to be me. I also wouldn’t single people out for criticisms and allow others to do whatever they want. If I feel something should be done a certain way then I expect that from everyone.

You know there were pros and cons to the Catholic education that I received. A few of the nuns not all were very tough on me and unsupportive when I was the victum of bullying outside my school. Don’t know if I told that story…all I can say is I was the victum and I was not shown compassion by a couple of nuns at my school.

One thing I could say though that it didn’t matter to the nuns if you were in the popular group or the not so popular group or the unpopular group….we were all the same and no one was above criticism and if anyone’s ego got too big it was definately checked. As wrongly as I was treated by some of the nuns and some teachers I still viewed that school as a sanctuary where no one really got special treatment. We were all subject to criticism. No one was put on a pedestal. No one was above anyone else in the eyes of the nuns.

My elementary school was my sanctuary. When I left there my life fell apart. Even though they could mean to me outside  I wasn’t protected by the authority of the nuns. Teachers were different in public high school. The working world was the same way.

I have always wanted to do the right thing even when it turns out I didn’t do the right thing. It always felt as if an obstacle would appear and trip me up from what I intend to do. My intentions are good but it’s almost like I can’t have them. Someone wants me to not do well no matter how many roadblocks they put up.

I know I may perceive incorrectly other people’s intentions Anita but the ones who I feel target me…it just feels like they are there to squelch any possibility that I be successful in my attempt to be accepted. There efforts are very pointedly done.

I am not about survival of the fittest, I do not want life to be a game and I do not want to act a certain way to receive love.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Lisa.

Thank you nextsteps and Anita…I am currently involved in a time consuming project today and will get back to you as soon as I can.

Well there you go…my new job is ruined. I am a good person and people want me to fail. I’m a good person but I deserve nothing. You think I want so much but all I want are the basics. Respect, love, friendship.

Something happened that stressed me out exceedingly 5 minutes before I had to start work and that is after working my other job in the morning. I was contemplating quitting my early job because my other keeps calling me in on my days off which is giving me no time to rest or accomplish anything.

People must sense that I’m ripe to upset because I was treated rudely just because and I broke down and cried. I have been at this job for months, hiding my hurt when I am treated differently, criticized, laughed at. I ignored it all.

If emotions are not allowed in the workplace then annoyance, favoritism, entitlement. Those things should not be allowed as well. Everyone should be treated the same.

I focus on my job but I annoy some. I can’t make you believe that because you are not able to see it. A few I annoy for reasons I do not know, most ignore me, and a few think I am a wonderful person. The problem is the few I annoy go out of their way to make sure I mess up.

I stayed strong for months. Smiling, taking it, being productive, dependable, coming in whenever they need me.

You know right now. What is the point? What I say will just be repeated back to me. Also how many pages I have taken.

I don’t even know what to say right now. This job was my last hope but I had to be pushed to cry.

Several people joined in the effort. It’s like they sensed I was upset and took full advantage. I have to do another double today. I have to talk to someone who I feel wanted me to get upset about why I got upset. They won. I deflected so much but they are relentless. They never give up. They never give up. I don’t do anything to them. Why do they want to do anything to me? I asked crying last night..why? No one can tell me why. I want to know why. Why?

I have to pretend yesterday didn’t happen because once I have been broken I can’t stop crying and then the ones who thought I was wonderful won’t think so anymore and the ones I annoy are triumphant.

I have a severe headache right now from crying. No one is there for me. I do it all alone.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 12 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 6 years, 12 months ago by Lisa.

Feel free to post in my thread. I don’t mind others receiving help in it…unless you think it’s more practical to make a new thread.

I want to respond to the scenario you wrote about Anita about the “saint of a man” but I haven’t been feeling well and dealing with other things. I will get around to responding to that thoroughly but for now can only say it would be nice to have even a small fraction of understanding and support you describe as I have not experienced even a little of that kind of support from a man. There are women out there that demand a lot from their husbands and boyfriends and they get it but I am not willing to play games or act as if I’m their boss. I would accept who they are if they would accept me. Acceptance is a two way street. No one accepts me.

• This reply was modified 7 years ago by Lisa.

I apologize for my many typos in my last post.

Lucas thank you for your kind, supportive and encouraging words and for the link.

I am glad that you also have a place where you can talk about how you feel and feel supported as well.

I hope that I can get to a place where I can contribute to this forum in a way that you, Anita and others do.

Anita you absolutely do not “have to” post on my thread and evidence of my beliefs lies in many who wish you wouldn’t and they can answer that question right now. The totally want me dismissed. I can’t remember once not appreciating or looking forward to your posts. That’s how I feel. How you feel about posting is what is important.

I get the feeling that I am supposed to be unaware and be the happy best friend to other women who get things handed to them. You think I hate men when I am disgusted by men who say “let me check with the boss” or another guy acts all apologetic to his wife or whatever she was when he made a simple mistake. How about thinking for yourself and not having to “check” with anyone but discuss. Your an individual and you should act like one.

When I am at work I have to take insults, be criticised and left out on top of that and after months of letting it all roll off my back I have now settled into being somewhat liked, on call for whomever needs a fill in but not truly wanted when it comes to anything outside of work. You see as long as I keep my mouth shut and smile, be available for work when someone calls out and go home I’m good.

When I am the customer other places I am also insulted. I can not explain everything now. I have to go.