Dear Anita,

I’ve finally talked to him, yesterday. It was not very much a business like talk but I didn’t get emotional and made it clear that he understood he hurt me. I finally have my peace now. He said he thought about us being involved for a while and flirted with me but then realized we were not so much compatible. He said he really values my friendship and appreciate the courage I have to talk about this. He does nice things for me when you think about it. He was suppose to catch  a 7 hours bus ride to travel with his friends at midnight and he actually missed the bus because he took the time to listen what I had to say. I’m fine with all this now. I am aware I am in a grieving period, cause I wanted something I couldn’t have. And I’m aware we would have a very unhealthy relationship.

He also said when we were flirting he realized the closer we get the careless I became about him. I see his point. I was thinking about him for a longer time, I’d been in my head for so long and when I thought I was actually getting what I wanted, I became so afraid of rejection/abondenment I acted like I didn’t care, sometimes. I guess I just didn’t want him to see how bad I wanted him. He just saw the attitude problem though.

I’m glad we had this talk. We have very different mild stones in a relationship and maybe this was the root of the misunderstanding- when I took the time to chat with somebody on whatsapp all day, repeatedly, this is huge for me, I see this as an investment to a person because of the time I gave.

I believe him in a weird way, I believe this is the most healthy thing I can do at this point. I realized I have my own issues. The abondenment thing and the attitude problem he mentioned, and the obsession I find myself in when I thought we are getting involved. To love is to  let, they say. And I didn’t let him, even in my mind. I wanted him at all cost, and this was pathologic.

When I planned the talk, I was quite sure he did wrong to me and hurt me intentionally, and I was going shove this to his face, in a non agressive way. He would be ashamed and quiet when I was talking. After that, I would have enough evidence to hate him. Now I can’t hate him because i understand him, as a humanbeing, and I can’t love him because that will harm me, I won’t be able to set boundries in my mind or between us. We will definately see each other, I don’t know how much or in what manner. Time will tell.

What I want to do right now is not think about him anymore, not even spare a thought on all these, and deal with my own demons, that I mentioned. The thing is I don’t know how to. I believe these might be the result of a previous traumatic boy friend experience. To be honest, if I didn’t had this talk, I know later on I would describe these as traumatic too. So maybe, even in that experience, the problem was within all along-not entirely but partly.

I always thought saying we are not compatible is code for I don’t desire you enough to not being able to think about all these. But now I see desire is not only about one’s look. I always knew this, but I thought I got a very good personality and only if I was prettier I would have get anyone I ever wanted. I always thought guys fall for my personality and are ok with my looks. Funny thing is, this time, I know it’s not about my looks, but my personality.

Dear anita,

This is very good advice, thank you. The only question I really want to know is did he mean it when he said he love me and what happened after that to change the course of the things. I don’t think I can ask this without getting vulnerable, nor he can answer. Even the fact that i’m curious about this reveals too much for a friendship. I believe whatever we say/do, it can’t be neither 100% true, nor 100% lie and human heart is strangely elastic. So maybe I already have the answer i need.

Hello anita,

Thanks for the advice.

The thing is, I’m almost sure a) he wouldn’t want to talk/get vulnerable so I would be the only one playing my cards open, b) he is not that mature to talk and keep this between us. I know talking is the only way I could get past this and stop hoping but it also seems like the way to shut the door to the possibility of having something with him forever, which is probably what i need to do at this point.