Hi Anita,

Wow, just realised it has been almost a month since I last wrote to you and I think it has been mostly a month of peace and focusing on myself which I am thankful for 🙂 Thanks for your last post of affirmations – I found your comments very valuable indeed!

Some updates so far.. It was his birthday a while ago and I did send him a birthday text wishing him well and we did some catching up and I got to know how he is doing. I was a little apprehensive before messaging him as I was worried whether I was able to handle talking to him again and would I be subjected to rollercoaster emotions again when he takes a long time to reply. Cos I reached out to him late last year to see how he is doing and when he took a long time to reply me, I became anxious and checked if he saw my message and things like that.

Good news is I am much better than that time and I am able to handle when he takes a long time to reply. I am not anxious when he does not reply and I just go on my daily life and doing the things I love 🙂

So updates from him is that he is as busy as ever… even more so as 90% of his time is committed to work, part time studies and completing internship for his studies.

And it was a sign to myself that it is not wise to even think about resuming a relationship with him if his schedule is still so hectic, i.e. no capacity to be in a relationship (reminded myself of what you said earlier in our communication) and thus, I told myself not to even entertain that thought. I guess that helped me to stay grounded as I saw our catch ups as purely catching up as friends without any other intentions.

Hearing his updates that he has been so busy made me relieved in a sense too that:

1) It affirmed what he told me when we broke up that he has no capacity for a relationship and it still remains true. I guess a part of me always has this fear as many people have told me that it can be an excuse. But I trust him and believe his words back then. And hearing that he is as busy as ever (or even busier than before) tells me that my trust is not misplaced in him.

2) That he would not have the capacity to be in a relationship with anyone else. I guess another part of me fears that he would find another person to be in a relationship as I would see that as a betrayal. Betrayal because when we broke up, he told me that he would definitely think of me if he has the capacity to be in a relationship again. So I thought that if he had the capacity to be in one and he found someone else, then he did not keep his words. I am not asking that he gets back with me immediately when he has the capacity but just to explore that option I guess. I would feel hurt if he skips the process of exploring that option with me.

Although I know rationally it has been a while since we broke up and things do change. And even if he gets together with someone new, I would feel hurt for a while but it is not as if I would not confront him or ask him why he did not keep his words. I will feel the betrayal but end of the day, I will still wish him well if he finds someone that can give him some relief.

I spoke to my therapist about the second point and she said I was being “naive” for still holding him to something he said so long ago. She said that he does not owe me anything and whatever he said then may not hold true now. I guess to her, it is something he said in passing and it is in the past. I should not be bringing the past into the present.

But to me, it was something of importance and I trust him and he has been a trustworthy man in the time that I have known him.

I wonder if I am being silly here?

Hi Anita,

Thanks for letting me know that our communication here is a win-win communication 🙂 I have gained a lot from my interaction with you and now I shall go down the mountain and put into practice the insights from our interactions.

I am glad to know I have a wise woman at the top of the mountain to seek insights from anytime.

Wishing you well and do take care of yourself too!

Hi Anita,

Thanks for highlighting the potential “trap” for myself there – “overly investing time and energy waiting for people to change and trying to change people and established dynamics” that I may have missed if you did not point it out. Couldnt help but smile when I saw how you have inserted it in so aptly and once again, resonated with me. I am very aware of the overdoing of drugs, eating, drinking, exercising etc and I steer away from those but it did not occur to me the bit about overly investing time and energy waiting.

After speaking to you, I did feel this paradigm shift in my thinking and I have stopped wondering whether to reach out to him. And yes that fear he has is powerful and he is driven to occupy that role and it is something that I cannot change. I agree that “surrender” is the better choice and I feel lighter after deciding to surrender. I felt more in control of my own life and I do not spend as much time ruminating about the relationship.

I suppose on some level I still feel this sense of loyalty to him. When we broke up, he said something along the lines of he knows I will be happier without him in the long run and thus he rather let me go rather than for me to suffer with him. In the beginning stages of the breakup, I felt that I wanted to prove him wrong that hey, I am not happier without him, that I’d rather be with him even if it means to suffer with him. But as time goes by, I also recognised that while he was definitely a huge source of my happiness (and the happiness he gave me was special and different) but my entire happiness is not dependent on him and it should not be. So slowly, bit by bit, I found my own happiness and my footing on my own again. And the thoughts of proving him wrong disappeared and I felt comfortable being happy again.

From time to time, I do feel this guilt whether I am adding on to his suffering in some way when I am happy? I have been trying to figure out where this is coming from. I know it does not make much sense rationally but I think the logic sequence in my head goes this way: when I am happy without him, it affirms his thinking that it is right for me to be without him and that may add on to his regrets and suffering in the way he may feel further that he did not deserve me and that he is not worthy and then beating himself up for letting me go kind of thing. I do not want to be a regret in his life and another source of suffering. So.. still working out this part but I feel it will work out soon with this paradigm shift I just had with regards to surrendering.

But I also feel I am not putting my life on hold for him – I am still doing a lot of self-enrichment, finding activities that I enjoy, excelling at my work, finding my own happiness and making travel plans. And I also told myself if there are opportunities to know other people, I would not pass on the chance. So while on some level, I am holding space for him in the way I have described above but I am also not letting it be so huge that I am not moving forward.

Although I also fear that I am overly investing my time and energy waiting for him and I would ultimately hope to fully surrender.

What are your thoughts on my guilt and this sense of loyalty towards him?

Hi Anita,

Wow.  Your last reply to me really hit a spot and it brought tears to my eyes.. and I sat on what you said for a while and let it all sink in. I guess I never saw it that way.. that his problem is so entrenched.. I always thought that it was a problem at the moment that he was facing with the sister’s divorce but it actually goes deeper than that. and yes, i cannot compete with the power parents have on their children.. and it makes so much sense about why he chose to avoid the pain of his parents’rejection rather than to seek pleasure in a relationship with me. I can see what our relationship was up against was something HUGE.

and then there this relief knowing that it was something close to impossible to compete with. for a long time I also struggled with wondering if I could have done more for him.. was there anything I could have done differently that would have changed our outcome.. and you putting his issues into perspective helped me to see the magnitude of his problem and how it goes waaaay back.. and how it is something that is beyond me to change.. and the serenity prayer (that I see you mention a few times on this forum) came to mind..

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

somehow knowing that this is something that is beyond me to change.. is very empowering and it reaffirmed my decision to surrender. cos there is nothing that is within my control to change. as much as I want to be there for him.. wishing that things can be different for him.. but this is his journey. and I can only be there for someone who allows me to. I have to accept that his situation is something I cannot change.

Yet the feeling of relief is mixed with sadness too. I feel this immense sadness too.. that he has to go through such pain and my heart aches for him. why does he have to go through this? It is like he is a good man and he is just trying his best to be a good son. but why do things have to be so difficult for him? I wish and wish that things can be different for him and that he can be in a happier place too. he deserves his own happiness and it is so unfair that he has to bear this burden.. such that he cannot even find his own happiness. why is his happiness compromised?

I feel so so helpless in the face of his sufferings.

And I guess all I can do now is to send light and love to him through the universe and hope that things will turn out better for him somehow. and I will also keep the faith (no matter how small the hope may be), that if it is meant to be, that one day he may be able to resolve all these issues and who knows, we may have a real shot.

(Btw, I really wanna say that Anita, you are such a blessing to have on this forum! your perceptiveness of situations is really amazing and I appreciate your replies! I have also learnt so much from reading your replies to other people on this forum as well. Thank you :))

Hi Anita,

Thanks so much for your reply! 🙂

Actually he never said to me exactly how he probably felt stressed by me so this is my own guess after some pondering. When we broke up, he took on all the responsibility and he told me I was the best girlfriend he cld ask for. He only said that he is not sure where the pressure in our relationship is coming from but he does not have the bandwidth to figure it out.

He probably felt the pressure as he thought he was not giving as much to the relationship as I was. I probably smothered him which made him feel pressurized. I would constantly make him cards and bought little gifts when he was having exams, going through a hard time at work or just to let him know that I love him and I will be there for him no matter what. I felt I also made him the source of alot of my happiness – so much so that I wanted to give up activities that I enjoyed so that I can spend more time with him. An example would be I love travelling but I told him that now that I have him, I do not want to travel as much as I would miss him.

I was also ready to start saving up to buy a house together (which we talked about). So when he overspent and got into the credit card debts, he felt guilty that he was not as committed as I was to the relationship.

In summary, I think the pressure came from me being too dependent on him for happiness and then he feeling like he cannot give back to the relationship as I did.

Having gone through therapy, I feel that I have gained a lot of insights into myself and I have worked (and still working) on this. A part of me feel like sharing all these insights with my ex bf to let him know how I have grown. And I just feel if we have a second chance, it is quite likely to work better (provided he also sorted out his issues).

But I do not know if he has sorted out his issues or if he is even ready to be in touch. That is why I fear I will end up pressurizing him again.