Thank you, Marie. Today has been another day of a lot of crying. I usually have a cool head when I’m not overwhelmed with emotions, but when I let my emotions control me, bad things always happen. Bad things that I end up regretting. I’d like to believe that I really did try my best at the given time and situation. The breakup didn’t happen cleanly when it could have, which I wish would have been different… but it has happened. And there’s not much else I can do to change that.

I also need to learn to be kinder and easier on myself.

And at the very least, the end of this relationship taught me to reflect and pushed me to finally seek out the help of a therapist, which is something that i’ve been avoiding all my life because I never thought I would need a therapist.

Thank you, Anita. The therapist said they would schedule a future appointment with me, so I’m waiting on that. If it were meant to be, he will come back, right? If not, then so be it. I’m sure I’ll find someone else in the future (actually, I’m still stuck in the thought that I would never find anybody else, lol). It’s in the past and all of that and now it’s time for me to move on and learn from it and hopefully unfold and fix whatever is really broken with me so the next one will be better.

I never really thought that I was emotionally abandoned when I was young, but I think you are right. Emotions is a bad thing in our family. We never talk about emotions. And so my family, me and my siblings would just hold everything in until we erupt in anger and call each other names.

I appreciate your offer, Anita.

You are right, I didn’t treat him as an equal.

I did actually send him an apology text before we stopped talking and before his final message that we should “check back in maybe 6 months or more”. I told him that I apologize for all the hurt that I made him go through and that I should have been better at managing my anger and should have been more supportive of him having his own time. But instead I let my anxiety, stress, and insecurities take over and wanted constant approval from him and I wasn’t proud of that. and also that I didn’t think of us as a team.

He did reply and told me that he never blamed me for anything.

That gave me some peace, but I do wonder what he thinks now, especially our mutual deletion of each other and that he never replied to my last text…

I have also deleted his phone number, so I have no means of contacting him anymore. I can friend him back on social media, but I don’t think he would friend me back and perhaps he has blocked me everywhere.

Hi Anita:

First of all, thank you so much for your detailed reply and recounting of the story. Yes, it was a lot of on again and off again in a short period of time. The final breakup that we did was initiated by me saying that “I should work on myself before getting into a relationship” and he mutually agrees that he should also work on himself. I definitely do feel ugly when I was with him. I tried being less clingy, but perhaps I didn’t try hard enough, but I ended up still being clingy and needy and wanted a lot of his time.

1. Yes, that was one of my instinct that perhaps I should not have played those video games with him since it bothered me that much that he ended up always raging from them. But that video game that we would always play together is how we met and one of our mutual interest, so we ended up always going back to it and the vicious cycle begins. In hindsight, I should have probably more strict about it and not play those video games with him. I was also afraid that we wouldn’t have much in common anymore if I let that go. And at the end of the relationship, we came to a point where we really don’t have much to talk about anymore. I would try to find conversation topics, but nothing really seems to click.

2. Yes, I realized that I perhaps asked too much from him. The loneliness in COVID and me being overly emotional really got to me and it might have ended up making him choose between me and his friends. It was definitely ugly. I should have been able to handle my emotions better, but I failed at that point and instead let it take over to a point of no return. I could have been better. I have my own defense that perhaps if he’s not as avoidant and if he didn’t decide to neglect me when he knew that I was upset, then I wouldn’t have become aggressive. But I suppose those are excuses in the end, I should have been able to control my emotions.

3. I am trying to find if there are something that I experienced in my childhood that caused me to behave in this way. I do have pretty severe fear of abandonment and I have noticed that. I always have a hard time letting people go. I am speaking to a therapist today though and hopefully that will help shed some light.

I definitely do have a lot of regrets on my end. Some days I accepted what happened as what happened and I forgive him. I do believe we both tried our best given the situation. I sometimes have a hard time forgiving myself because I really felt disappointed in myself and how I handled situations. A small part of me do hope for some kind of reconciliation, but he’s made his position very clear by not replying to my text message.

In the end, I think maybe we’re not as compatible as I thought we were. Or maybe I should have tolerated his shortcomings more. It probably would have also worked out better if I’m not so emotional.