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Help on moving on and post break up analysis

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  • September 8, 2020 at 6:14 am #366317
    Mia
    Participant

    I’m (29F) and my ex (25M) has a very short 3 months relationship. I knew him about a year and a half before I decided to give it a try. He told me last year that he had feelings for me, but I didn’t return his feelings because I didn’t think of him romantically. So I told him that I’d like to get to know him better.

    Fast forward to early this year, COVID started. We live in different states, but still the same timezone. He pursued me and we started spending time a lot. Just the two of us. Watching Netflix together, video games, and just… talk. It was nice and comforting.

    I told him that I really started to like him and that I would like to give it a chance and see where it goes. We started talking a lot more. Got intimate on text and texted each other day and night. We spent a lot of time together. Over voice, over text…And I really started to fall for him. I started to really really care. I had a bit of a reservations calling the relationship official, so I told him that I think we need to meet first and see how our chemistry works out from there. About midway in… things started to become different… I started noticing that I would be the one initiating all the time and I would be the one asking him to do anything. He got comfortable and sometimes he forgot that I existed. I admit, I got clingy and I want to spend all my time with him. I got really upset that he wanted to do his own thing and didn’t really care when I told him that I feel like he didn’t want to spend time with me. In hindsight, I was a passive aggressive communicator and I could have been better in how I tell him about how I feel.

    That night, I was really upset that I feel like he’s treating me as an option instead of a priority. He knew that I was upset, but instead of really asking if I’m okay, he decided to leave me be. And I grew even more upset and I went to bed… angry.

    The next day, we decided to talk it out over voice. It didn’t go well… I was still really angry and upset. So on voice, I said things as how it is. I might have yelled. I was angered. I told him that he neglected me and saw me as only an option. He didn’t have much to say back. And he told me that he’s sorry that he neglected me. I called him an asshole. He said he deserved it.

    He sent me flowers the next day.

    That was our first big fights. There were a couple things that got me upset too. Such as how he would rage in video games. And I told him I didn’t like that. Every time he raged too far, I would leave and not speak to him cause it affected me too. And he would say sorry and that he would change. But he would only change for a day and after that, everything’s back to normal. He would get angry and upset at video games again.

    He would say things too… such as when I buy him birthday present… and I said I hoped he likes it and he told me “I hope I like it too for our sakes”… I feel like this is a very strange thing to say, so I called him out on it and he said he was sleepy… so it just came out.

    After that first big fight, we did go back to being happy and normal. And being intimidate again. But it didn’t last long. Probably about 1 week later, we fight again. Mostly because of me feeling that I was neglected again. I brought it up to him and he wouldn’t talk to me, insisting instead to sort it out over text when I just wanted to talk.

    He avoids me by making sure I can’t reach him on the phone and would only reply through text. I eventually got more upset. I was able to talk to him on the phone in the end and he told me that avoided me because he was scared of me with what happened in our last big fight where I yelled at him. And that I was walking all over him. I told him I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that. I was really upset and I let my emotions took over. I should have been better. In the end, as I keep telling him how I feel neglected and the problems in our relationship, he grew quiet and didn’t have much to say again… I got exhausted and… disappointed. So on the phone call, I told him that this is it… it’s over. He had nothing to say, I can’t do this anymore… it’s over and I hung up. I acted out of emotions. 2 days later, we didn’t contact each other. I broke down. I missed him. So I establish contact and told him that I was emotional and I didn’t want a break up. And he told me that we should probably spend less time together. Because we ran out of things to talk about and spent too much time together. And I told him that I really like him and want to spend all my time with him. But I’ll try to be less clingy. And we agreed to get back together. This didn’t last long… because about 1.5 weeks in, he rages in video games again. And I feel like he doesn’t try to do anything together anymore. He started saying things that would hurt me and that I would consider to be very uncaring. I started to withdraw emotionally. I couldn’t talk to him anymore. We don’t have any topics. I would ask him things, we would have phone sex… and that was about it… he doesn’t really bring up topic of conversations. And I ran out of stuff to say…So I texted him less frequently. He would text me once a day to tell me good morning. But that became sparse too. I just couldn’t see past how he raged last time when we played video games together and said some really mean things. I didn’t want to talk to him about it because I don’t think it would do anything. He would only change for a day and wouldn’t try again afterwards. He caught on and asked me why we are distant. And I told him that I probably need to work on myself and improve before getting into a relationship. I told him that because I felt ugly when I was with him. I felt like an option, not a priority. He agreed and said he needs to work on himself too. So it’s a mutual break up. He offered to be friends. And out of weakness, I accepted. We tried. But it’s not the same anymore. I told him a week later that I don’t think I can’t be friends with him cause I still love him. He said he still loves me too and he wants me to wait. And I told him that I can’t be in limbo, that I want to try again… but he said that he really can’t be in a relationship. The last text he sent me 3 weeks ago, he said that we should check back in 6 months or more. I was extremely hurt. Even though the breakup was mutual… I guess it’s really not. Cause I do want to try again. I miss him. I miss who he was in the beginning. We stopped contact after that… I decided to delete him from all social media except for his phone number. And I noticed a couple days after, he also removed me from everywhere that I forgot to remove him from. I broke down last week in the no contact… and I texted him because I still have his phone number. I said that I hope there’s no bad blood between us and that he’s doing well. A week later now… no replies. I suppose it’s for the best… I have to move on. I’m grateful that he didn’t reply (or he might have blocked me) and reopen the wounds, but I’m also hurt at the same time. I deleted all traces of his phone number 2 days ago so there I don’t have the choice to message him when I’m tempted because I don’t have means of communication with him anymore. I regretted how I acted in the relationship. I regretted starting the fights. I hope he’s happier without me. I accepted what happened. There was a lot of anger before, but now I think I accepted it. I still wake up everyday now missing him. I still go to sleep missing him. I miss his love for me. I miss the sweet nothings he told me. I miss how I make him feel. I miss how I make him happy and how he makes me happy. I miss spending all my time with him. I really miss the beginning of the relationship. Before the fights started. I wake up missing his voice calling me babe… calling me his love, the love of his love, telling me that he loves me more… but really in the end, I don’t think he really cared. Or fought in the relationship. In the end… it felt one sided, that I tried more, cared more, loved more. I cried for the past 3 weeks that we didn’t talk. Everyday, I would cry…It’s better now… but it’s still hard. Some days are easier.. some days are just really really hard. I feel regret, I feel shame. I do still blame myself some days. But i know i should forgive him and myself.. for my own piece. It’s a short relationship… but it’s so hard to move on. I really do still miss him. But I know that there’s no more to fight for… there’s no more to talk about. He’s gone. We deleted each other. I’ve done meditation, self care, exercises, eating better, distraction. It helps temporary. But then there will be some moments or time where I get swept up in the regrets again… help? And advice on what you think about the relationship?

    • This topic was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by tinybuddha.
    September 8, 2020 at 11:10 am #366351
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mia:

    You asked for “advice on what you think about the relationship”. I will paraphrase your story as I understand it and include quotes in it:

    At about 27 you met a 23 year old man online. The two of you live in different states, and you never met in person (?). For a year and a half you played computer games together and communicated on social media, maybe on the phone as well. In the beginning of this year, partly because of the pandemic, you spent a lot of online time together, and on the phone, and had sexual interactions over the phone.

    For 3 months you were in an online/ phone relationship. During the three months you were clingy, wanting “to spend all my time with him”, and you were repeatedly upset about it being “the one initiating all the time.. asking him to do anything”, about him wanting “to do his own thing”, instead of spending time with you, about him treating you “as an option instead of a priority”, and you were upset over him repeatedly raging during video games even though you told him that it bothered you. At times you yelled at him and called him an ass***.

    The day after the “first big fight”, he sent you flowers and everything was “back to being happy and normal”, but a week after the first big fight, there was a second, because you felt “neglected again”. This time he didn’t send you flowers, but avoided you instead, and that made you even more upset. You finally talked with him on the phone, and “he told me that (he) avoided me because he was scared of me with what happened in our last big fight where I yelled at him. And that I was walking all over him”.

    A short time later, you got upset again and broke up with him. Two days later, you contacted him, telling him that you didn’t want to break up. He told you that the two of you should spend less time together, and you told him that you will try to be less clingy with him. You got back together, but a week and a half later, he raged playing a computer game, and you got upset about him “saying things that would hurt me and that I considered to be very uncaring”. You withdrew from him emotionally and the texting slowed down significantly.

    Some time later, you told him that you “felt ugly when I was with him. I felt like an option, not a priority”, and the two of you broke up. Later, you told him that you want to try again, but he said “that he really can’t be in a relationship”. His last text to you was 3 weeks ago. Since then you texted him but he did not reply to your text. You regret “starting the fights.. swept up in regrets again”, you “feel shame”, you blame yourself some days, and you blame him other days(“but really in the end, I don’t think he really cared. Or fought in the relationship”).

    My input:

    1) Regarding his raging while playing computer games- I am assuming (and correct me if I am wrong) that it means that while playing games, he yelled, used profanity perhaps that was not directed at you, but at the characters in the game. I understand why that behavior bothered you, and it was fair that you asked him to stop raging. Seems like he tried but got too much into the games and raging was part of the fun, part of the release of stress involved in playing some computer games. If I was in your place, at that time, seeing that he was unable or it was too difficult for him to stop raging, I would have stopped playing computer games with him, at least those computer games that promote raging. It was not a good idea for you to continue playing those games with him.

    2) Regarding your clingy, possessive behavior: yes, you wanted too much from him, you demanded what was not fair or realistic to demand from a friend or a boyfriend: to spend so much time with you, to not do his own thing, to place you as his No. 1 priority, above himself, to be too careful about what he says because too many things he says offend you, etc.

    And, if you want someone to spend more time with you, you accomplish the opposite of what you want when you demand, complain, yell, and fight; you can see, that your aggressive behaviors caused him to spend less and less time with you, and then none.

    * You can and should express your upset and concerns in a relationship assertively, instead of aggressively. Assertive communication is a skill that you can learn.

    3) I think that your childhood experience played a big role in this relationship: it seems to me that as a child you were neglected, emotionally if not physically; that you felt far from being a first priority, or any priority, that you felt hurt and angry, and your painful, unfortunate emotional experience of childhood came alive in the context of your relationship with this man.

    Let me know what you think of my reply if you want to.

    anita

    September 8, 2020 at 12:19 pm #366360
    Mia
    Participant

    Hi Anita:

    First of all, thank you so much for your detailed reply and recounting of the story. Yes, it was a lot of on again and off again in a short period of time. The final breakup that we did was initiated by me saying that “I should work on myself before getting into a relationship” and he mutually agrees that he should also work on himself. I definitely do feel ugly when I was with him. I tried being less clingy, but perhaps I didn’t try hard enough, but I ended up still being clingy and needy and wanted a lot of his time.

    1. Yes, that was one of my instinct that perhaps I should not have played those video games with him since it bothered me that much that he ended up always raging from them. But that video game that we would always play together is how we met and one of our mutual interest, so we ended up always going back to it and the vicious cycle begins. In hindsight, I should have probably more strict about it and not play those video games with him. I was also afraid that we wouldn’t have much in common anymore if I let that go. And at the end of the relationship, we came to a point where we really don’t have much to talk about anymore. I would try to find conversation topics, but nothing really seems to click.

    2. Yes, I realized that I perhaps asked too much from him. The loneliness in COVID and me being overly emotional really got to me and it might have ended up making him choose between me and his friends. It was definitely ugly. I should have been able to handle my emotions better, but I failed at that point and instead let it take over to a point of no return. I could have been better. I have my own defense that perhaps if he’s not as avoidant and if he didn’t decide to neglect me when he knew that I was upset, then I wouldn’t have become aggressive. But I suppose those are excuses in the end, I should have been able to control my emotions.

    3. I am trying to find if there are something that I experienced in my childhood that caused me to behave in this way. I do have pretty severe fear of abandonment and I have noticed that. I always have a hard time letting people go. I am speaking to a therapist today though and hopefully that will help shed some light.

    I definitely do have a lot of regrets on my end. Some days I accepted what happened as what happened and I forgive him. I do believe we both tried our best given the situation. I sometimes have a hard time forgiving myself because I really felt disappointed in myself and how I handled situations. A small part of me do hope for some kind of reconciliation, but he’s made his position very clear by not replying to my text message.

    In the end, I think maybe we’re not as compatible as I thought we were. Or maybe I should have tolerated his shortcomings more. It probably would have also worked out better if I’m not so emotional.

    September 8, 2020 at 12:54 pm #366362
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mia:

    You are welcome. I hope you heal and learn from your experience with this man, and from earlier life experiences that led you to being so anxious and therefore clingy, demanding and angry in this online/ phone relationship.

    I am glad to read that you are speaking to a therapist today, and I hope you will be seeing regularly, for a while, a competent therapist who will help you gain insight into the origin of your “pretty severe fear of abandonment”. I assume this severe fear of abandonment expressed itself so far in your life in many ways.

    Maybe you avoided in-person relationships (?) for this very reason: being afraid of being too close. Maybe a long distance relationship felt safer.

    I had lots of shame and regrets for many years. But because I have been deeply engaged for so long in healing and learning, the healing and learning have replaced the shame and regrets.

    anita

     

    September 8, 2020 at 12:59 pm #366363
    Mia
    Participant

    Thank you again, Anita.

    I hope the therapist works out also. It is true that there are multiple instances in my life where people abandoning me has left me feeling empty and lost.

    Maybe you are right about the in-person relationships also. When I think about it, I felt like I can’t imagine myself being in a relationship. Long distance relationship/online/phone relationship felt easier for me.

    I’m having a hard time moving on from this recent relationship. I feel terrible for what I made him go through. And I feel a lot of guilt because I feel like he hates me now.

    September 8, 2020 at 1:37 pm #366364
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mia:

    You are welcome. About your concern that he hates you: if he thoroughly understood what motivated you when you mistreated, he would not hate you. One day, when you finally understand what motivated you all along, you will no longer hate yourself/ feel the shame you mentioned.

    I think that you projected into your online boyfriend a role that didn’t belong to him, that of a parent- a parent who must prioritize his child, who must spend all this time with his child, etc. But he is your peer, even younger than you. He was not your parent, he was an equal.

    You do need someone to understand you, and through that person’s understanding, you will  understand yourself more and more. But that someone cannot be a guy, it has to be a professional, a therapist. Regarding the guy- if you have a way to send him a detailed, private apology message, I can help you write it.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by .
    September 8, 2020 at 1:58 pm #366367
    Mia
    Participant

    I appreciate your offer, Anita.

    You are right, I didn’t treat him as an equal.

    I did actually send him an apology text before we stopped talking and before his final message that we should “check back in maybe 6 months or more”. I told him that I apologize for all the hurt that I made him go through and that I should have been better at managing my anger and should have been more supportive of him having his own time. But instead I let my anxiety, stress, and insecurities take over and wanted constant approval from him and I wasn’t proud of that. and also that I didn’t think of us as a team.

    He did reply and told me that he never blamed me for anything.

    That gave me some peace, but I do wonder what he thinks now, especially our mutual deletion of each other and that he never replied to my last text…

    I have also deleted his phone number, so I have no means of contacting him anymore. I can friend him back on social media, but I don’t think he would friend me back and perhaps he has blocked me everywhere.

    September 8, 2020 at 2:28 pm #366373
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mia:

    I read your share that you apologized to him already and that he suggested that you reconnect perhaps in 6 months or longer, but forgot this part when I suggested sending him (another) apology message- so I take it back. The apology text you sent him was good enough.

    I highly recommend, Mia, that you don’t contact him again, that’s the best you can do for him. Frankly, if you contact him again it will be an act of harassment, some kind of stalking.

    The title of your thread is “Help  on moving on”- if you contact him you may make it difficult for him (and for you) to move on.

    This relationship was all online, with no actual plans of a practical, physical partnership– something to talk about further, with a therapist: when will you be talking to a therapist and will it be the first time you talk to a therapist?

    anita

    September 8, 2020 at 3:12 pm #366375
    Mia
    Participant

    Yeah. I didn’t message him anymore after the text last week where I told him that I hope he’s doing good. I deleted all traces of his number on my phone and I don’t intend on establishing further connection no matter how much my guilt eats me up.

    There were actually plans on meeting up. When he wanted to label me as his girlfriend, I told him that I’m not comfortable with labeling until we meet in person and see where the chemistry takes us. There were some talks about him visiting me around end of year or when COVID is over and settled down a bit. He did have a plan to come visit around June before we started our relationship, but that all was cancelled because COVID happened.

    I just had my hour long therapy session. I cried the entire one hour, discussing what happened and discussing grieve and how I handled my other losses. This is the first time I ever talked to a therapist. I usually have been discussing my problems either on the internet or with close friends. My dad passing away last year was brought up and I probably haven’t grieved that properly either.

    My family isn’t the type of family that deals well with emotions. Emotions is usually punished. When I would cry when I was young, my dad would yell at me and my siblings and possibly even hit us with a belt. “Why are you crying?! There’s nothing to cry about! It’s embarrassing.” So my family isn’t the ones I turn to for emotions. Even with friends, sometimes it’s hard to turn to them for advice and emotions, though I’m lucky that I have found a few friends that I can open up to and really talk about it.

    September 8, 2020 at 3:26 pm #366376
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mia:

    Congratulations on your first hour of therapy. I hope a second appointment was made. I am glad that you will no longer contact the guy no matter how you feel- it’s the right thing to do.

    When you were young and your father punished you for crying, and when your family was not one you turn to (“my family isn’t the ones I turn to for emotions”)- that’s equivalent to being emotionally abandoned, isn’t it?

    anita

    September 8, 2020 at 3:41 pm #366377
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Mia is was great reading your story and I’m glad Anita has helped you in a lot of ways, with dealing with your emotions.

     

    From a legal standpoint, if your boyfriend has been in contact with you via-text message and never used the words ” please don’t ever contact me again, or please stay away from me.” you are not harassing or stalking him. I highly recommend looking up harassment/stalking laws to get the right behavior definition of it. If this boyfriend of yours is sending you flowers, messages and all, you don’t have anything to worry about from a legal standpoint and from what I have read on this thread, you’re fine and in the clear but once you or him are willing to accept any forms of gifts and mutual communication(s) – harassment/stalking doesn’t exist here. I don’t see any kind of behavior of yours, as stalking or harassment. Now, in the future, if he decides to cut all contact with you, doesn’t text message you anymore, starts ghosting you and most importantly asks you in person, text or in writing ” Please do not contact me, in any way, shape or form anymore.”  Then I highly suggest you STAY AWAY from him. Even someone’s actions will tell you, all you need to know already.

    You made your peace but if the communication has been mutual, legally you’re not breaking any laws. You can always speak to your therapist about all this too but also create some personal boundaries for yourself as well. As far as, what is healthy communication with someone and what becomes un-healthy and obsessive. I wish you the best of luck darling, stay positive, stay strong and if this online boyfriend turns out hat he isn’t for you, know that there are millions of other people out there compatible for you and right for you. It’s not the end of the world, just lifes way of telling you, that there’s another chapter awaiting you.

     

    Sending you so much positivity, love and light!

    September 8, 2020 at 3:44 pm #366378
    Mia
    Participant

    Thank you, Anita. The therapist said they would schedule a future appointment with me, so I’m waiting on that. If it were meant to be, he will come back, right? If not, then so be it. I’m sure I’ll find someone else in the future (actually, I’m still stuck in the thought that I would never find anybody else, lol). It’s in the past and all of that and now it’s time for me to move on and learn from it and hopefully unfold and fix whatever is really broken with me so the next one will be better.

    I never really thought that I was emotionally abandoned when I was young, but I think you are right. Emotions is a bad thing in our family. We never talk about emotions. And so my family, me and my siblings would just hold everything in until we erupt in anger and call each other names.

    September 8, 2020 at 3:54 pm #366380
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Stay positive Mia and just create some healthy boundaries, you’re doing well so far at that. A couple times of reaching out is just fine but don’t go beyond that. That’s just my personal advice and what is healthy.

     

    Take care.

    September 8, 2020 at 4:01 pm #366381
    Mia
    Participant

    Marie, thank you so much for your kind words. I don’t think I’m harassing or stalking him and I definitely don’t see any point in further contacting him. I don’t think I can look for him to give me any closure or forgiveness from my own guilt. I think that needs to come from myself and I hope that’s something that time or therapy sessions can help me with.

    I have definitely learned that the next time I’m in a relationship, I really need to be more aware of my own emotions and control it better and also give the relationship a chance to breath. Having too much time together is not healthy. I need to balance myself and not lose myself in the relationship and not ever let it be more important than myself. As for reconciliation and being friends, if it comes back, then it’s meant to be. If not, all I can do is really let it be..

    September 8, 2020 at 4:04 pm #366382
    Mia
    Participant

    And at the very least, the end of this relationship taught me to reflect and pushed me to finally seek out the help of a therapist, which is something that i’ve been avoiding all my life because I never thought I would need a therapist.

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