Dear Anita,

Thank you for your advice. I will try to avoid her from now on.

I could really blame them for the cold stare since I never told my mom and siblings regarding the molestation. Only a few months ago, I open up to my mom and my youngest brother regarding the topic. My brother asked me why I never told him about it until now, why I kept everything to myself and suffered alone. While my mom tried to defend my dad by saying he was a good man, that he was a victim of abuse himself which turned him into a different person at times. Then she questioned whether I imagined the whole thing, if it did happen I should just forget about it and move on since his not around anymore (why blame a deceased person). I was quite shock when she said that to me (although she did try to comfort me), I only wanted to hear her say that it wasn’t my fault. I felt even worse when she blames herself for being the breadwinner of the house, how it was all her fault for trying to raise a family etc (I felt she was guilt tripping me to stop the conversation which it worked). I never blamed her for anything in my life (I do blame her for siding with my sister more, and myself ), since she was abused by dad and his side of the family (when they were living in the same house).

Today my sister just said ‘sorry’ then walked away (what she always does), I pointed out to her that it was not a proper apology without changed behavior, she would frown then ignore me by walking away. I overheard her complain to mom what she did wrong, why I could not forgive her even after she said sorry, which she continue to say how resentful I was for not being able to give another chance to her and that she could not see what she did wrong (Yep, they were talking next to the living room how can I not hear anything).

I wonder why people who hurt another never seem to retain any memories of the incident yet the victims delve in the memories of the hurt (a book explained how the brain is more likely to store memories associated with strong emotions due to the adrenaline hormones being release during the experience).

Do you think it would help her understand about how I feel by telling her about what she did in the past till now? (I know this is fruitless, but I feel like telling her so that I could let go of the idea of changing/understanding her)

Lutie

Dear Anita,

Thank you for your reply. I am surprised that you reread the last post. I did not realize that I left out many details due to my emotional state at the time. My parents only officially divorce when I was 14, we never saw him again afterwards until the news of his death. My father started to beat me at the age of 7, he only stopped when I turned 12 (my memory is a bit fuzzy since I only recently started to remember things related to the abuse). When I was 10, he molested me during my sleep (which he tried a second time but was not successful since I have become wary of him) luckily I was able to escape after struggling through kicks and punches. I used to hide outside (rain or shine) until my siblings came home (my mom is rarely at home due to work). After sometime, I became suicidal, I started to harm myself. One day, as I climbed up the balcony rail to actually end my life, my youngest brother called out to me asking what I was doing. That’s when it hit me, how my death would affect my little bro so I decided to suppress all the emotions that I had including the memory of molest. The memories only started to resurfaced only a few years ago. I never understood why I was scared of boys (never dated until I met my ex) nor why I couldn’t form proper bonds with people around me. Unexpectedly the breakup help me open my eyes to the problems I never knew I had.

What can I do to break free from this cycle of aggression?

Lutie

Hi Tash,

Thank you for commenting. I don’t think I have a chance with him anymore since we are countries apart from each other, after how I treated him I don’t think I will bring myself to do so aswell.

You are right, I should learn how to be a better person, I wanna learn more about myself before going into another relationship since I have always been dependent on others for my happiness (after the breakup I realise the problems that I had so I started writing a journal). Recently, I have started working out like you mentioned, it really helped divert my attention from him.

* I always thought breakups was easy till I experience it myself

I didn’t know how to cope with the hurt (since it was my first relationship) I lashed out on him which was not right. During the relationship I was kinder and more understanding and we rarely fought (he even said you were more understanding, what happened). Probably the new girl treat him kindly compared to me.

I grew up in a single parent household, my mother opinion would matter the most to me which she was not always right.

My mother does say mean things when she gets angry. When I was trying to cope with the breakup (writing my emotions down whole crying) she raised her voice at me and said, do you want to marry this guy and this is how you treat your mother because of one guy (I asked her to give me some space but she wanted me to sleep) so I got raised my voice to her to leave me alone ( I rarely get angry).

I regret till today to have showed her my ex’s picture (he wanted to know if my mom liked him) and told him about my mother’s comment, it was very insensitive of me. I texted my ex yesterday apologizing about my behavior and I decided to control myself by not logging into facebook or messenger (I would stop bugging him).