This may be the case but his “mood swings” have nothing to do with me. i just feel hes dealing with a lot of stress and he goes through high and low moments. And he tries to keep to himself and guarded when hes going through a low but otherwise he enjoys laughing, cuddling, playing, talking and doing things with me. I tend to blame myself for his unhappiness and discontent within himself but im slowly learning that he doesnt feel good about himself and its difficult for him to feel like his good enough so him pushing me away and being destructive in the relationship is because he cant uphold the expectations, he doesnt feel he is his best self withing the relationship or in his career and he doesnt want to disappoint me nor can he allow himself to fail or lose motivation for his career. He very much is an alpha male and you can imagine how feeling inadequate is a all time low for him. Ive started being more appreciative towards the little things he does and goes out his way for, allowing him to feel appreciated and needed.  i tried bringing up the child trauma thing and how it affects us in our adult life by talking about my own trauma as a child and i explained how that has affected me in my adult life and my perspective, I did this so he can just think about what i said and how he is affected by his childhood, I then didnt ramble on or poke him with questions… instead i allowed it to sink in and we watched a bit of tv together till i fell asleep. After that conversation he was very quiet and too himself which i was okay with cause i wanted him to think about everything i had said.

No he is very appalled by mistreatment as he was bullied at a young age, he is very intelligent and quite an evolved being. These emotional triggers are very distressful for him where he doesnt even know how to cope so he panics and he goes through this “identity crises” where he questions himself  and i was the first girl he fell this deeply for, its completely changed his life and his always brushed his deep routed pain under the carpet and the way he trains is crazy, he puts himself through so much and he has told me before that training is hes way of punishing himself and somehow it grows him stronger and if he doesn’t train it affects his mood and makes him miserable. So not only does training help his passion, it also relieves him of his deep battles and pain.

He needs to stop suppressing the hurt from the past and just allow himself to dig deep and feel and talk about the pain his mother put him through. He needs to open up about how insecure he is because of his mother emotionally and physically abandoning him. He was a skinny kid that got pushed around not only at school but by his mother too and when he discovered the ruthless sport of MMA he decided to make a change and that he will never be pushed over again. He then was driven by that pain, and anger.

He definitely has alot of negative emotional towards his mother, but due to him being a MMA fighter he controls his emotions well. But i do think theres alot of unresolved pain to the way she treats him, one moment shes praising him and being a proud mother and the next shes passively insulting him and disregarding him. Also she has kicked him out her house many times for no real reason. He probably expects me to abandon and disregard him the way his mother did when she was disappointed in him. So one hand hes pushing me away and the other hand he deeply desires being close to me and wants to be loved. He puts this stern front up and we still dont hold hands but hes very protective of me and cant help but want to keep an eye on me. He wants to break free and not feel all the emotions he feels but he also doesnt want to hurt me and lose me. Which is the inner conflict his facing.

Hi Anita,

Id like some advice, so a week has past and theres been some improvements regarding my situation. So my boyfriend and i are still on this break but he went out of town for the weekend and the whole time he was away he was texting me, i told him that we are on a break and the whole idea is that he should be cutting me off and hes response was that things were stressful but now things arent anymore, He also said that we still do things like we in a relationship. I then told him that we cant keep up this lie, i cant keep pretending that im his woman when he discarded me 2 months ago, i told him that i am happier within myself but keeping up this lie is getting harder on my heart day by day and i said that he needs to eventually come to a decision and let me mourn and make a plan to move on with my life. Hes response was “F*ck i know its difficult as hell” “Thanks for giving me the time to figure my sh*t out”

When he got back he was happy to see me and to be home again, last night when we were out, he was speaking to his brother about them both having trouble in relationships, he said something like

” Its like when you get into a relationship you open yourself up more and more and then you reach a peak point and its like you reach a barrier that you cant seem to cross, its like you cant give that part of yourself. And you can keep going through this cycle, whether its with the current girlfriend or the next girl or the next girl, it will keep happening if you dont get to the route of the problem withing yourself, you just got to keep working and with time you’ll overcome that limit”

He has realized that he has this limit when hes inlove and things progress and are great but then he reaches a limit where he cant seem to give that part of himself, and i feel thats where fear of commitment comes in. He was very serious about our relationship where he could see us getting married and i think he himself was frightened by hes feelings for me. Which resulted in him pushing me away when emotions became overwhelming. He seems to want to get over this barrier, and i give him love, support and space to deal with his issue. I thought i contributed to his pulling away but after last night i see now that he after 2.5 years his starting to feel that fear of commitment even though ive never pressured for marriage or anything like that, which only shows that he is frightened by his own love for me.  Even with his fear of commitment and trying to get to the bottom and make sense of his inner issues he still seeks for my love, opinion and companionship.

Is this normal for a guy to pull away when hes very inlove?

How could i support him to overcome this fear?

That is the conversation i want to have with him eventually, i need him to see how running away or pushing me away when things get tough makes him a coward. And that its unacceptable for a man to just become emotionally MIA without taking in consideration of the woman who takes care of him and has been patient through all the difficult times. Still today i cook, i clean and give him space when he seems closed off and im affectionate when he seeks for it. I am displaying the valuable girlfriend and life partner i am. As partners im doing my part best as i can, and he has seen how little he contributes… So in the end if he decides he wants to leave then he will have lost a treasure of a woman and i doubt he will ever find someone like me again. Being the best version of myself is either going to show him why he saw me as a life partner or its going to attract a better man who will appreciate and adore all that i have to offer as a woman.

What i meant by 100% ready is that the Pros outweigh the Cons. And marriage is a big step especially for a man who hasn’t seen a successful marriage growing up. He wants to be great at alot of things in life and one of those things is being a good man to a woman and i guess i stopped showing appreciation for all that he provides and all the good he brings to my life, i began trying to fix him when he was going through a troubled time. He felt that he isnt bringing any value or happiness to my life because i kept expressing all my negative emotions and he felt blamed for my insecure and unhappy complaints. A break really does open your eyes to how you could be affecting the person you love by relying on them for your happiness and security. I dont enjoy admitting my wrongs in the relationship but its definitely lifted a weight off my shoulders taking my happiness and confidence into my own hands. I do hope he gives us a second chance and i really hope we can bring back the trust in our relationship.

Thank you so much Anita, this sight has really brought me so much peace getting to share my worries and to have amazing advice and perspective on my matter.

This weekend has been quite interesting. He seemed his usual emotionally distant self, he came home late friday night as he was out with his friends. He made small conversation and told me about his night and how he didnt feel well. He as usual got into bed and wanted to cuddle. Saturday morning he had a motivational speech to do for a youth program and asked if id go with him which i did. His friend is the founder of this Youth program and his friend as well doesnt know we are on a break and kept introducing me as my boyfriends future wife. And during the Youth presentation he mentioned all that my boyfriend has achieved and spoke of how good he is as a man and a boyfriend to me… Which was probably a very guilty pill to swallow for my boyfriend but i gracefully smiled and nodded to protect his image. We later that day went on a hike with the youth team and i landed up sitting near a group of guys in the van, He very much seemed to want my attention. And the whole hike he seemed pleasant yet neutral towards me. After the hike we went to his grandparents place for a couple of hours then decided to go home. when we got home hes energy changed a little, he was talking about the day we had, how he’d like to do online teaching and how he’d love to do more motivational talks. He even went as far to mention that if we both did online teaching we could travel and live in different parts of the world and i could quit my job. This was a major break through to me because a man who sees a future with a woman tends to be comfortable enough to make future plans with her. I did have a major concern about him and his sports massage therapist. Because i have heard how bubbly and giggly their sessions get, and im not comfortable with him creating such close chemistry with a pretty woman who as her job is allowed to touch him. His past massage lady also had the hots for him and he use to entertain it by building a close friendship with her and that was completely disrespectful to our relationship which at the time was the beginning faze and we kept our relationship a secret. I dont want him to know im suspicious of his new massage therapist but i will make him aware when i feel something isn’t right. I provide all that is required of a girlfriend, i tend to all his needs. And even adjusted to his need for space this last month so anything he does that breaks our relationship trust or loyalty is on him. Yesterday he was very open emotionally, he was playful, kind, and seeking of my affection very much. He didnt seem like this cold heartless guy that hes been over the last month, with his guard down and his heart more open he seems to have more of a conscious which is good cause that means he is more aware of repercussions to his actions. He has been much easier on my feelings. But i dont want to keep my hopes up until he calls off the break. I feel that if i ask him about the relationship or emotional stuff too soon it might freak him out and scare him away again.

I agree, he is hiding whats going through his head and heart. I can tell by his cold nature that he does feel some sort of negative feelings towards me ( might be because of the arguing and hes lack of freedom before the break) Thats one of the reasons i have had motivation to grow and not be the needy/nagging type which i never was in the past. I became like this when he became emotionally withdrawn and lazy. I feel that our relationship dynamic just became too much and we created way too many complications and restrictions for ourselves. I want us to recreate a much healthier relationship and not get caught up in the unnecessary things but i dont know how to address this with him. I dont just want to be a convenient sex partner or just a friend he can rely on. He isnt fulfilling my needs as a partner should, and it does hurt. Hes hot and cold treatment makes me feel like im being used. I know he cares about me and he might still have love for me but it may not be strong enough at this point to win him back. Ive already spoken to him and have taking responsibility for all that i did that was not good for our relationship and i even gave him my solutions.. But only time can fix how he feels, and i can only focus on myself.