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My Boyfriend is going through an identity crises

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Viewing 15 posts - 46 through 60 (of 160 total)
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  • #213979
    Ladybug
    Participant

    Yes i agree, this is entirely his inner dark battle and he is one to be very stubborn and head strong but i do think i should address his fear of commitment and show him by love and compassion, and i also want him to see that his father creating a whole family and not being present in his life aswel as his moms restless, aggressive and abandoning nature throughout his life has significantly screwed up his vulnerable side. He even spoke to his stepdad last night and mentioned how it hurts him that he cant have a true relationship with his mom because of his fear she will break his heart as she did over and over again in the past, he said that she doesnt take responsibility and her apologies always come with a justification which he doesnt feel is a true apology. That conversation with his stepdad opened my eyes tremendously because ive heard him say similar things when we useto get into arguments. Im nothing like his mother but when he is exposed to certain emotions that bring up pain from his childhood he is reminded and reacts on that deep pain and not logically based on our relationship. I want to create a safe environment where he can open up about his mom and his dad and what hes going through. He wont open up by himself because he still has his guard up as if im going to break his heart and make him feel like a disappointment as his mother did. So tonight i will mention what ive learned and realized and have him speak to me but ill wait till he is comfortable and ready.

    #213981
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ladybug:

    Did you notice his anger at his mother, any expression anger toward her?

    When he gets angry at whomever, how is his anger expressed?

    anita

    #213999
    Ladybug
    Participant

    He definitely has alot of negative emotional towards his mother, but due to him being a MMA fighter he controls his emotions well. But i do think theres alot of unresolved pain to the way she treats him, one moment shes praising him and being a proud mother and the next shes passively insulting him and disregarding him. Also she has kicked him out her house many times for no real reason. He probably expects me to abandon and disregard him the way his mother did when she was disappointed in him. So one hand hes pushing me away and the other hand he deeply desires being close to me and wants to be loved. He puts this stern front up and we still dont hold hands but hes very protective of me and cant help but want to keep an eye on me. He wants to break free and not feel all the emotions he feels but he also doesnt want to hurt me and lose me. Which is the inner conflict his facing.

    #214003
    Ladybug
    Participant

    I was actually the one who did research to try and figure his mother out because he had alot of unresolved upset and he would easily be affected by her behavior, we discovered she holds all the qualities of a narcissist and also mentally unstable at times. Once i helped him gain clarity on her narcissistic ways he handles her much better and doesnt give her the power to affect him as much.  So helping him gain clarity gave him the power to face his mother and disarm her when she is being narcissistic. Because women are more evolved emotionally i feel i could help him gain some clarity on whats happening inside and the affect his childhood pains have on his adult life and love. Even if it means just listening and allowing him to open up.

    #214013
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ladybug:

    You wrote, “one moment she’s praising him and being a proud mother and the next she’s passively insulting him and disregarding him. Also she has kicked him out her house many times for no real reason”.

    Notice this: his mother probably was treated in a similar way when she was a child and she did the same thing to her son. This is the nature of abuse,  passing it on.

    Your boyfriend has the same tendencies as any human, to repeat abuse. So he doesn’t kick you out of the home (which he cannot afford renting alone), but he kicks you out in subtler ways, not holding hands, not looking in your eyes when physically engaged. Like his mother, one moment he is positively attentive to you  and at another moment disregards you.

    A victim of abuse is often also a victimizer. What do you think?

    anita

     

    #214021
    Ladybug
    Participant

    No he is very appalled by mistreatment as he was bullied at a young age, he is very intelligent and quite an evolved being. These emotional triggers are very distressful for him where he doesnt even know how to cope so he panics and he goes through this “identity crises” where he questions himself  and i was the first girl he fell this deeply for, its completely changed his life and his always brushed his deep routed pain under the carpet and the way he trains is crazy, he puts himself through so much and he has told me before that training is hes way of punishing himself and somehow it grows him stronger and if he doesn’t train it affects his mood and makes him miserable. So not only does training help his passion, it also relieves him of his deep battles and pain.

    He needs to stop suppressing the hurt from the past and just allow himself to dig deep and feel and talk about the pain his mother put him through. He needs to open up about how insecure he is because of his mother emotionally and physically abandoning him. He was a skinny kid that got pushed around not only at school but by his mother too and when he discovered the ruthless sport of MMA he decided to make a change and that he will never be pushed over again. He then was driven by that pain, and anger.

    #214025
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ladybug:

    Seems/ reads to me that he has the greatest opportunity presented to him in this very relationship with you, to heal from his childhood injuries and to have his first healthy, loving and healing relationship, one with you. You are dedicated, committed and you have your limitations, being human (not superhuman).

    I hope he takes advantage of this rare opportunity.

    If you would like to explore further his mental state, if you do, here with me, what do you think he meant by punishing himself (“training is his way of punishing himself”)? 

    anita

    #214031
    Anonymous
    Guest

    (Copy), Dear Ladybug:

    Seems/ reads to me that he has the greatest opportunity presented to him in this very relationship with you, to heal from his childhood injuries and to have his first healthy, loving and healing relationship, one with you. You are dedicated, committed and you have your limitations, being human (not superhuman).

    I hope he takes advantage of this rare opportunity.

    If you would like to explore further his mental state, if you do, here with me, what do you think he meant by punishing himself (“training is his way of punishing himself”)?

    anita

    #214193
    Ladybug
    Participant

    Yes i agree, but he clearly isnt able to see that with all the doubt and emotional confusion he has. He cares about me and protects me yet he wants change in his life and he feels he cant be comfortable at this point in his life( its doesnt logically make sense because everything currently is setup perfectly for his training, his foundation is solid with me because i have his back no matter what). Interesting thing is that his mom has been restless throughout his childhood, they always moving and shes always up and down, warm and cold so his life has never been consistent and he had no real stable foundation, She kicked him out the house for no reason at the age of 17 already. So he seems to have subconscious ticks that keeps coming up, as if he needs chaos and change but doesn’t understand why he has these urges but i feel its due to his mothers inconsistency and him always waiting for that dreaded sudden move or change or chaos which is the pattern his mother has emotionally conditioned into his subconscious. I cant tell him that because by pointing out something sensitive makes him defensive and he’ll feel that im trying to fix him as his said before. Im not sure the perfect way or time to bring up the topic of his sudden urge for change in our life especially since his been pleasant towards me and doesnt seem to want to get into emotional conversations.

    #214201
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ladybug:

    You wrote that his mother was warm and cold, up and down, praising him and insulting him, that he had “no real stable foundation”. What does a child do in such a childhood, with such a mother-

    create a stable foundation within himself, best he can by isolating from her, from the chaos outside, becoming as cold as he can be, as removed as he can, reducing contact with her. I think this is what he keeps doing, only it is with you that he is doing it now.

    Being as cold as he can be, as removed as he can, reducing contact with you.

    anita

    #214363
    Ladybug
    Participant

    This may be the case but his “mood swings” have nothing to do with me. i just feel hes dealing with a lot of stress and he goes through high and low moments. And he tries to keep to himself and guarded when hes going through a low but otherwise he enjoys laughing, cuddling, playing, talking and doing things with me. I tend to blame myself for his unhappiness and discontent within himself but im slowly learning that he doesnt feel good about himself and its difficult for him to feel like his good enough so him pushing me away and being destructive in the relationship is because he cant uphold the expectations, he doesnt feel he is his best self withing the relationship or in his career and he doesnt want to disappoint me nor can he allow himself to fail or lose motivation for his career. He very much is an alpha male and you can imagine how feeling inadequate is a all time low for him. Ive started being more appreciative towards the little things he does and goes out his way for, allowing him to feel appreciated and needed.  i tried bringing up the child trauma thing and how it affects us in our adult life by talking about my own trauma as a child and i explained how that has affected me in my adult life and my perspective, I did this so he can just think about what i said and how he is affected by his childhood, I then didnt ramble on or poke him with questions… instead i allowed it to sink in and we watched a bit of tv together till i fell asleep. After that conversation he was very quiet and too himself which i was okay with cause i wanted him to think about everything i had said.

    #214371
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ladybug:

    In your first line you wrote: “This may be the case but his ‘mood swings’ have nothing to do with me”.

    I find this curious: I didn’t suggest in my prior post to you that his mood swings have anything to do with you. I suggested that his behavior on this break has everything to do with his mother.

    You then wrote: “I tend to blame myself for his unhappiness and discontent within himself”- will you tell me more about this tendency and the origin (in your childhood) of this tendency?

    anita

     

    #214377
    Ladybug
    Participant

    Well when someone starts distancing themselves from me or going as far as taking a break from a relationship with me, im going to immediately assume its me and i take responsibility for his pain and anxiety. But as times goes by i learn more and more about men and how their minds work and also observe his actions regarding me and us. He is emotionally damaged from his childhood but he is a evolved person and he even liked my idea of digging deep to all those painful or shameful memories and through a breathing technique allowing those emotions and images from the past come back exhale it and doing this exercise will help him overcome the deep routed pain that sits deeper than our conscious minds. Its so horrible to see him walk around with such heavy spirit because i love him dearly, he doesn’t like being pitied or comforted when hes feeling a certain way. although i cant express my undying love for him, i show him through my actions and patience how much he means to me and so far that seems to be working and rushing his quarter life crises will only make things worse so i trust him in figuring himself out and that he will come back to being my best friend and Love.

    #214381
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ladybug:

    Earlier on the thread you wrote: “I have to take responsibility for being needy during our relationship and also not following my dreams”-

    The dreams you referred to the, did they include the studying you were considered (you put money aside for that purpose)?

    I think now your dream is to get him to “come back to being my best friend and Love”, correct?

    But the other dreams…?

    anita

    #214401
    Ladybug
    Participant

    My dreams still stands, him and i both rely on our foundation that we created to pursue our life dreams. we both didnt come from healthy reliable parents so us falling inlove and making one of our dreams come true(living together) has been the best for us until he had this break down. He and I are perfect because we balance each other out. He still mentions today how awesome it is to live where we live and how cool it is for us to be out on our own. He just needs some growing to do and that what im letting him do. He started getting very serious about our relationship and at the same time he was pursuing his career, but the loss and financial stress gets to him deeply and us starting to argue about things we never usually argue about became too much and he just needed space.

Viewing 15 posts - 46 through 60 (of 160 total)

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