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My Boyfriend is going through an identity crises

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  • #227735
    Ladybug
    Participant

    Yesterday we were texting and i mentioned to him that some day id like him to apologies for all the pain he has caused me and that i love him and will forgive him but he has not yet come to me and admit that he screwed up and that hes sorry. He didnt respond because he had training to go to. He later the evening went to a seminar with his friend so i did not see him all day since yesterday morning. He did not tell me a time of when it would end and he only tried contacting me quite late last night. He tried calling me but something told me that he was going to try talk me into letting him stay over at his friends place which i was not okay with because of the last time during our break he went to visit his friend at work and didnt say a word to me whole evening then later on said his going to stay over at his friends house because of the weather and said our motorbike was having problems ( my intuition new something doesnt add up) and for about a week i was poking at him asking if hes 100% honest with me and he could not answer me which resulted in an argument but a day or 2 later he admitted to lieing and that he and his friend went to a bar and he wasted alot of money on alcohol, i was so disappointing and angry but i just told him that i knew that he was lieing. As i mentioned to you in my earlier threads, his friends are young and they cheat and play women. Am i wrong for having suspicions and not  standing for him sleeping out at friends due to his inability to be responsible and trustworthy. He does not stand for women telling him what he can and cannot do.. when he fell inlove with me, he became more sensitive to my approval and opinion so he never wanted to upset me so he always kept me informed via text or phone call and always did what he said he will do. He had his priorities in check but now he has just gotten comfortable with disappointing me and becomes defensive and distance when i bring up something im unhappy about. He deep down does not respect women all because of what hes mother has done to him so he never wants a woman to have that kind of power over him. Although i have shown him unconditional and loyal love… he has not stayed consistent on his part so my unhappiness is all routed to him changing in selfish ways.

    #227743
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ladybug:

    I wish life was better for you right now, I am clear about your distress in your most recent post. I want to process your recent three posts, so I will repeat what you shared using quotes and commenting:

    Currently he “trains every day and sometimes twice a day which means he finishes at the gym quite late… he doesn’t have the energy to put in any effort to make me feel special”. Also, “he doesn’t want me to dedicate myself to him and his career during my free time”.

    You, on the other hand “want something serious.. prefer quality time spent such as romance, dates, small gifts.. things that make me feel special. I don’t feel all that special if we just lazing around or doing chores together”

    And you “don’t want to be insecure and stressing about the person I’m in love with… I have to keep the conversation simple or he’ll feel overwhelmed”. You spend “an entire weekend of just being around him and feeling unimportant”. You called your need to feel romanced and special a starvation (“starvation to feel romanced and special”).

    You wrote that he is “not very tidy, he sleeps late, he procrastinates. His lifestyle is very unreliable and irresponsible at times… lazy and sleep late… I’ve started thanking him a lot more often and showing him recognition for his small efforts hoping that will make it easier and motivate him to be consistent”.

    My input at this point: your own words indicate clearly that what your boyfriend is going through is not an identity crisis, a crisis that is temporary (title of your thread). Instead, there is an incompatibility of goals, values and lifestyle between the two of you. You indicated yourself that his lifestyle (being messy, sleeping late, etc.) is something he is used to since childhood so this is definitely not a part of a crisis. It is a good thing that you thanked him more often, trying to motivate him, it is definitely better that you do that than not, but realistically, habits from childhood are very, very difficult to change. He is not a child, that is, his brain is not available for you to form. It is already formed this way.

    You know what you need in a relationship and it is not compatible with what he has to offer you. He told you before that the relationship with you “put him in a comfortable state of mind, but also made him lazy and unambitious and for that he fears getting back in that comfort”- the problem I see with this is that he has so much to go through to get to where he wants to get in his career, and he might never get there, and so when will he allow himself to be “lazy and unambitious” enough so to be with you the way he was/ the way you want him to be?

    Basically you have been waiting for… a time that is not going to happen in the next few years at best and never, at worst.

    I read your most recent post. In summary, my input today is that you have been doing your very best to revive and resume a relationship you had with him for a relatively short time. You adjusted your behavior effectively, and some of your adjustment is a healthy adjustment, excellent job! And yet, there is really nothing you can do to change his habits which you disapprove of, and there is nothing you can do with his belief that a relationship with you the way you need it to be, is not in line with what he values and wants.

    For you to be living with him, you really have to be in the background of his life, to be satisfied with just being around him when he is home, to do chores together, to have things the way they have been, no change. You have been waiting while there is nothing to wait for. I say there is nothing to wait for because he is not remotely close to being wealthy enough to allow himself to be “lazy and unambitious” in regard to his career.

    You’ve been waiting for him to be wealthy enough to allow himself to have the relationship you need and want, and that may never happen. His own lifestyle that you disapprove of is not congruent with the success he hopes to have (winning fights, making good money).

    I know you are extremely attached to him and I doubt you are willing or ready to end this relationship, but keep your thinking congruent with reality, see things as they are, this is what is best for you. What do you think/feel?

    anita

    #229903
    Ladybug
    Participant

    You are quite right about that, Its quite tiring balancing between his and my needs. I feel ever since we moved in together I have lost touch with my hobbies and friends and my life with him has been my only priority. We might be spending way too much time together so that leaves very little time for us to miss each other and for us to appreciate each other. I do have trouble trusting him and his friends so i think that is why i dont encourage us spending too much time apart. But i feel that i need to let go of things i cant control and just try and create a happy life that doesnt revolve around him and whatever happens will be on him. I  have alot of fear after the pain he put me through but i feel for us both some healthy distance is important. I know the heartache that i endured has caused me to have very little trust. The reason he fears commitment is because of hes fear of being trapped, and i dont want him to feel trapped and feel that he cant be trusted. He has recently told me that we need to have more friends and that we need to get more away from eachother, He said that he cant miss me if hes always spending time with me.

    #229911
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ladybug:

    I am trying to understand the last sentence you wrote, in what context did he tell you that he can’t miss you if he’s always spending time with you-

    Was it in response to you asking him if he missed you? Was it a part of a conversation?

    anita

    #230101
    Ladybug
    Participant

    What i believe he meant by this is that we spend so much time together and we dont really spend time apart with our own friends and have hobbys apart from each other. Being around eachother all the time leaves very little room for us to miss each other. To be apart allows us to have a break and let of steam and to get in touch with our own personal identities and also brings back the appreciation for each other. For me as a woman i dont mind spending so much time with the man i love but ive come to realize that men get comfortable when you always spending your time revolved around them and they stop putting in the effort.

     

    #230157
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ladybug:

    I think that everyone needs alone time. I do. Thing is, why does he need to “let of steam” away from you with friends? Is there steam building up in him as a result of being with you?

    And why does he need to be with friends, away from you, so to get in touch with his “own personal identit(y)”- is he losing his own personal identity as a result of being with you?

    And why does he need to be away from you and with friends so to “bring back the appreciation” for you- does he lose that appreciation when he is with you?

    anita

    #230275
    Ladybug
    Participant

    His own personal life challengers build up steam. He has alot going on with his day to day training and he worrys about his future and obviously he worries about his financial issues. This all builds up a little bit of stress and im always trying to make it easier for him and alot of the time i feel like i dont get much back in return. But i know he tries but his just not that guy i loved him to be, the guy who brings nothing but positive energy to me and tries to be his best self for me. The guy who made me feel special and would show me off. I have to respect that he is young and he has alot of growing to do and his focus is very much on his career and success right now. Im patient enough to support him through this part of his life but i just dont want to be hurt again. He wants an interesting sex life and a passionate relationship but he has not put in any effort.

    #230311
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ladybug:

    He values his career the most and you value the relationship the most. So his main concern is his career and your main concern is him and the relationship.

    “He wants an interesting sex life and a passionate relationship but he has not put in any effort”- I can feel your anger about this, this lack of reciprocity of effort.

    How will you deal with this lack of reciprocity long term?

    anita

    #230463
    HoneyBlossom
    Participant

    Dear Ladybug,

    Im sorry for your unhappiness.

     

    I hope this doesnt come across as too blunt – Im not always good at expressing myself.

     

    Anyway,  I was wondering if you have ever wondered if your relationship is really based more on unhealthy dependence rather than compatibility.  I dont just mean your boyfriends dependence on you,  but it seems to me that there is an unhealthy dynamic between you both – as though you are trying to fix him – a bird with a broken wing so to speak.

     

    I think its more likely there is no identity crisis – more that you both want different things.  I think that your boyfriend may sense that but because he is also dependent on you,  he has remained with you.

     

    Just my thoughts.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by HoneyBlossom.
    #234193
    Ladybug
    Participant

    When we got together, he was only starting his MMA Career and i was planning on studying beauty. He has always made his career his main focus but he always made time and effort for me. even when we didn’t live together i would only see him once a week which was challenging. Hes career has grown and he has put his career as an even bigger priority. I support him through all the difficulty. He is a very strange type of guy and he feels he has this great purpose to fulfill and he has many different goals he would like to achieve. Our life currently is not as great as we would want it to be, i  have put my plans to study on hold so that we can balance our life at home and his career . I am doing a day job to help us financially and he is pursuing his career but he is bothered that i am not chasing my dreams the way i was when he met me. He says i need to find a happiness outside the relationship that he cant give me. He puts himself first and says that i need to do the same. he says we need to be doing what makes us happy and that way we can bring more to the relationship. I completely agree with what he says because i have become lost and not my best self through becoming comfortable with our life together. being so focused on him, his career and our life together has made me anxious, insecure, stressed and leads to me smothering him and overthinking everything. He is always tired, always busy and results in him being emotionally unavailable most of the time. This seems to be a rough patch of our relationship. Its extremely challenging and tiring with all the effort i put in to keep things good in our life. But i think me not following my dreams while being in this relationship has created a gap between him and i. It seems like we dont have the same ambitions in life but that is not true, i have put my dreams on hold for him and for us to work together to create a future but it makes him feel horrible that i am not living out my dreams and he does not know how to help me. He loves me and i love him but all my effort makes him feel guilty. Being a young couple who loves eachother is there a way to work around our problem and create a healthy balance?

Viewing 10 posts - 151 through 160 (of 160 total)

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