Forum Replies Created
January 21, 2018 at 4:14 pm #187957
He says he does not love me but has feelings for me…sometimes he says they are strong, sometimes not.
Oh, I am sorry you find yourself in this situation.
It sounds like you want way more from him than he is able to give. It sounds like you are saying you are unhappy with him not reciprocating the feelings you have and you wish to be partners with him, more than “secret lovers.”
If I am hearning this correctly, this sounds emotionally devastating. While a lot of the behavior between you two seems to indicate a serious long term relationship, there is the issue of him being aware of where he is at and such and him being clear that he is not where you are at.
Maybe look at this:
I keep trying to leave but I have a hard time staying away.
How long have you managed to stay separate from him? What happens that causes you to return to this situation?January 21, 2018 at 3:03 pm #187955
This stood out to me:
I tried to control my mood but ended up saying and behaving nasty towards him. Same thing this past friday, I said some terrible things. When I look and see him taking bumps I lose respect and admiration. Obviously I feel terrible with myself and I know it is something I need to focus on healing.
That bit reminds me of my last relationship. We started out wonderful. Small things would annoy me and I internalized the conflict we were having and instead of being frustrated with him, I was frustrated with me, focusing on MY bad behavior. I was always finding fault within me, which would drown out the real issue: this man’s behavior was not in line with my own values. Hanging out with him felt like I was violating myself, therefore I began having internal distress, and began behaving poorly/not in line with my own values.
So here is what I think I learned from that relationship. I need to watch that I am respecting my own values. So if I think drugs are not ok for me, I have to look at why? What are my underlying values?
Personally it is usually because they are not ok for most people because they interfere with a persons life goals and planning for living a healthy, happy lifestyle. (I could care less tho if someone smokes pot for medicinal reasons, or does perscribed opiates). Additionally I do not respect/tolerate someone subjecting me to illegal stuff that could jeopardize my freedom to not be in jail, impound my car, or the crowd that usually comes with being around drugs. (I refuse to visit a family member because I worry of the dealers and such that knock her door)
So, you will not have the same values I do. You will have your own reasons why you generally feel drug use is to be avoided. Yet, imo, it starts with understanding ones values.
So here is how it relates to my last relationship. I realized at the point that I was “bending” my values to accomodate this man… was the same point that I was becoming “grouchy” and speaking poorly. My behavior was a direct result of me losing my own self respect for putting up with behavior not consistent with my values.
So rather than shame myself for my grouchy and poor behavior, I wish I would have listened to it closer. Had I listened to my behavior, I would have heard what it was telling me: That I was not honoring my values by behaving like his behavior was “ok.” I was growing to resent myself and the act of behaving like something was “ok,” when my heart knew it wasn’t, was causing a rift inside of me.
I was subconciously allowing this rift grow within me as I was unable to confront him with my values and reality. So having two existing and competing realities exist in me is what caused “my mood.” I was feeling the effects of lacking internal personal integrity.January 21, 2018 at 1:44 pm #187951
Oh, I thought of something else I have been meaning to try…
looking for volunteer opportunities. Yet, I still havent managed to attend one that interests me.
ok, well, maybe you just are ok not socializing too… More looking for reassurance that that is ok as well?
I wasn’t sure. Imo, either way is ok if you are ok with it right?January 21, 2018 at 1:40 pm #187949
Hi Ann – Marie,
I certainly relate a lot to what you have written. My upbringing was in an abusive home. I have had some relationships that also were abusive and I am very awkward socially sometimes, but not always. Yet it is sometimes enough for me to shy away from trying new things.
In the process of change, I have become more of the person I believe I am but don’t think I fully understand myself yet. Honestly, life scares the crap out of me. Im not great with people I get really nervous in new situations and if I get called upon to speak out I completely freak out even with all of the stuff I’m practising, I don’t get it !!! I hate crowded places, going shopping, being around people too long.
I also shy from crowds, shopping, and experiences where I will have sensory overload. I imagine many with PTSD feel similarly.
So idk what will work for you but I had a therapist (2yrs ago or so) suggest we simply talk about what feared me. Then he talked about what I may want to do socially. I wanted to join a book club. So he asked if I felt ok just visiting the location of it, but not joining or anything, just visit. So his point was, baby steps of what was within my comfort zone. Well, I thought his approach was good but I ended up not signing up for a book club, but have found my own way to be more social.
So I signed up for online dating but with the specific intention of “making friends only.” So I literally was very clear with anyone who I chatted with that I am not interested in more, just really am shy and am trying to simply practice pre dating skills of hanging out and enjoying myself. I met and hung out with a few people, had fun.
idk why but I found this method preferable to me than the group meetups. I was intimidated by meeting up with a group. I found talking one on one easier. It certainly gave me a whole lot of practice in my social skills and helped me learn what is ok for me and not. Idk though, many folks may find this risky or not appealing to them.
I’m curious to hear other ideas as I am now wanting to make female friends but the online dating friend making method seems not ok for this, lol!January 21, 2018 at 1:17 pm #187943
Oh, forgot to mention…
I did end up reaching out to the national organization for his major condition that evening. They replied kindly with a long email of resources for me to spend time reviewing and researching. I am still working on that at my pace. It is a lot to digest. I forward it to son for help figuring it all out. So that was immensely helpful also.January 21, 2018 at 1:13 pm #187941
Thank you all for your responses. Sorry I took so long to find my way back here.
I do appreciate you expressing the need for support. I did read that that day and wept. It is true and I am often having inner conflict on how to be strong that I forget to surrender to seeking and receiving enotional support. Your words very timely, thank you!
Yes, I think more objectivity would help us both. I went to temple a few weeks before this post. It was a classroom discussion and he asked what causes me suffering. Without going into detail, I mentioned my sons illness. He metioned that in Buddhism, we are all equal. I have since been tossing that thought around in my head to try to gather the meaning better. He mentioned that he also is ill. I get the feeling he himself may have a terminal illness. While I do feel saddened also towards the teacher that evening, it does not compare to the sadness I feel for my son, I did not dwell in a state of suffering for him. I am trying to sort out my beliefs that allow me to be more objective or seperate from the teachers suffering, but not my son’s. I suspect that if I can see my son as equal importance as all others in the world, then maybe I will not force suffering upon myself via my view of his experiences? Or maybe I elevate myself to a position of responsibility for son’s suffering and I need to adjust my self view/self importance? Maybe I feel it is somehow my job to erase his suffering or make meaning of it. Idk, I’m still mulling this around.
Thank you for your thoughts on my situation. My worry does not necessarily serve the situation. Tbh, to some extent though, it can be a motivating force for me to take action. Had I not been so worried, I would not have tried coping via reaching out and obtaiinng some good info into his condition. Yet, excessive worry and suffering on my part does not enhance this. Sometimes I can feel guilty, so hearing this can be helpful. My guilt over his difficulties really doesn’t lessen them. Yes, he is very empathetic and can feel my ability to cope or not cope, very true.
Thanks again for listening and replying… This feels like such a taboo topic in my life. No one cares for me to discuss this, it feels like an alienating topic so I am especially grateful for the interaction here. After posting this, the next day my good friend “broke up” with me impulsively. I think my life and sharing it with him suddenly became overwhelming. My other friends would find the topic too depressing for me to disscuss much at all. Anyway… thank you!!!