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He does not want a commitment and not sure of a future

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  • #187931
    RoxySue
    Participant

    I am in my late 40s and have been in a “situationship” for almost two years (you know that gray area between a NSA/FWB relationship and a committed relationship). We started together at the tail end of failing marriages, looking for a mostly physical relationship. His wife left shortly after we met, and, for personal, health reasons (mine), I could not leave my husband for another 10 months. He did not want his wife to leave. I wanted my marriage to end for years, and meeting this man was the catalyst for having to courage to leave a toxic situation.  Shortly after we started our relationship, I “caught” feelings and felt like I fell in love. It has been two years of his being hot and cold, a true rollercoaster ride, coming close then pulling away when he felt it was getting too close for him. On the one hand, he says he still only wants the physical part of the relationship and friendship, but on the other hand he keeps coming back every time we try to leave one another. I feel like I am the one driving the relationship, including when we see each other.

    We communicate every day for almost two years (except for the several “breaks” we have taken), and I have been a source of support for him as he deals with some needy family members and sadly a son with a serious drug problem who still lives at home. In fact both of his adult children still live with him. He also works 6 days per week in his own business. So I get he has a lot going on. However, he says he sees how wonderful I am, we have a really great physical and mental connection, and we are physically exclusive with each other, yet he does not want a committed relationship (i.e., accountability to another person and opening his heart) and while he says he may see one in the future, he does not know when and if that will happen. He has self-described walls up, does not want to take them down right now and just wants to keep things status quo. He says he does not love me but has feelings for me…sometimes he says they are strong, sometimes not. I am also a secret – after two years, only a few of his friends know about me. He says he is concerned about how his son who is on drugs will react because he was devastated when his mom left.

    I have always been the type of person who feels like if someone really loves you, they will find a place for you in their lives because they do not want a life without you. However, I do have compassion for his situation with his son and his sadness over his wife leaving (he has been with her since he has been a teenager and he is in his mid-40s), which, almost two years later, he is finally coming to terms with – because she only just recently told him she is not coming back (she feels he is selfish with his time and his emotions). And, he was devastated, which, of course, hurt me to no end because of my feelings for him.

    I keep trying to leave but I have a hard time staying away.  He has been nothing but honest with me about his intentions, although he does waffle back and forth a bit, and sometimes feels badly he is stringing me along, which he says he does not want to do. I grapple with the decision to either just  enjoy the moment (which is now two years of “moments”) or wanting a shared intention for our relationship and hoping he will come around, especially now that his wife is definitely not coming back, his son with the drug issues possibly going into the military, and his older son is moving out soon.

    Thank you for reading and for your responses.

    • This topic was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by tinybuddha.
    • This topic was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by RoxySue.
    #187945
    Buddi
    Participant

    Dear Roxy – You should have left yesterday. He has a lot going on but what really surprises me is that you are allowing him to treat you like a choice remove yourself from this equation. He thinks its alright to keep you a secret partly you are to be blamed cause you are allowing it.

    Will you invite a dick or douche bag into your home???? then why are you letting one into your mind and heart? If you are waiting for him to come around  after all this time you will be waiting a long time.

    Most importantly address your fears why do you want him if clearly is unsure of you ? Are you scared you wont meet someone else? If you had a daughter and she told you this story with a man she is involved  with what advice would you give her?

    DO NOT LET HIM TREAT YOU LIKE A CHOICE.

    #187953
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi RoxySue,

    Unfortunately, things do not look promising. He is not emotionally available for a committed relationship and has stated this. It also does not sound like there will be a future with this man. It looks like he is just looking for consolation only and “friends with benefits” and I think you deserve much much than what he is able to give. You deserve a man without so much drama, complications, who treats you with love and respect, instead of our of his neediness, he sounds like he may be using you for this purpose and taking advantage of you.

    The longer you stay with him, the more frustrated you will get. You can’t make him change his feelings, no matter how much support you give or how great the physical aspect of it is, he is not ready and has stated that. Best to break things off as the longer you stay, the harder and emotionally draining it will be for you. x

    #187957
    Lyssann
    Participant

    He says he does not love me but has feelings for me…sometimes he says they are strong, sometimes not.

    Oh, I am sorry you find yourself in this situation.

    It sounds like you want way more from him than he is able to give.  It sounds like you are saying you are unhappy with him not reciprocating the feelings you have and you wish to be partners with him, more than “secret lovers.”

    If I am hearning this correctly, this sounds emotionally devastating.  While a lot of the behavior between you two seems to indicate a serious long term relationship, there is the issue of him being aware of where he is at and such and him being clear that he is not where you are at.

    Maybe look at this:

    I keep trying to leave but I have a hard time staying away.

    How long have you managed to stay separate from him?  What happens that causes you to return to this situation?

    #187991
    anita
    Participant

    Dear RoxySue:

    Reads like a decent man, honest with you throughout. And he does have a lot going on.

    His honesty with you as well as his exclusivity, is promising, in my mind. If you do get to spend enough time with him, and if you enjoy his company, it may not be good idea to end the relationship.

    The commitment you want, being “not sure of a future”-

    No person in the whole wide world can be sure of his or her future.

    Many millions of people found a forever committed partner and got to see that commitment turn to a thing of the past.

    If this man has been persistent all this time in his non-commitment, reliable this way, then he is more likely than these many other millions of people to be reliable when (and if) he does form a commitment to you.

    anita

     

    #188025
    RoxySue
    Participant

    Thank you all for your responses! That all make so much sense. Anita- i understand what you are saying he issue is how long do I wait. It’s been two years. He also has told me he doesn’t care what I do, is still in love with his wife and could give or take a relationship. Sometimes these words hurt even though I know he really does care. I think if I felt like a priority in his life, I would be more inclined to wait longer. It’s a tough one because everything that all of you have said makes sense!

    #188027
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi RoxySue,

    I read your post again, to make sure I was giving your fair advice. This is what struck me, what you wrote. He does not want a committed relationship, and he does not want one in the future.

    yet he does not want a committed relationship (i.e., accountability to another person and opening his heart) and while he says he may see one in the future, he does not know when and if that will happen. He has self-described walls up

    You said he has walls up. If a man truly is in love and wanted a relationship, no walls, and there be some talk about a future together..something. This is just my opinion. x

    #188037
    anita
    Participant

    Dear RoxySue:

    If your experience in the relationship is mainly waiting, then I’d say: wait no more as it is very unpleasant to wait and wait for so long.

    If there was enough pleasure or value in your relationship as-is, then it would be a different matter.

    anita

    #188049
    RoxySue
    Participant

    Thank you!  I have gone back and forth as to whether it is fine status quo.  And it is not that he says there is no future, he has said he does not know when and if it will happen. He may never want a committed relationship.  That is really rolling the dice. I know there are no guarantees … I guaranteed my husband I would stay married to him.  But, there should at least be a shared intention or goal. The relationship is very unbalanced and that is what concerns me the most. He just told me the other day, he does not care what I do…if I see other people or not. Those are tough words to hear after being with someone for two years. Sadly, he has said that he says that bc he doesn’t have room in his life to feel jealous (bc he gets extremely jealous) – so he needs to shut down. I feel like he is 45 years old and walls are a little juvenile. I don’t know.

    #188065
    anita
    Participant

    Dear RoxySue:

    You express hurt and anger in this relationship, being critical of him for shutting down at 45, considering it juvenile. Hurt and anger is not a promising basis for a good relationship, not at any stage of a relationship. If that hurt and anger cannot be resolved in the context of this relationship, I think the relationship should end. The sooner the better, for your own well being.

    anita

    #188067
    anita
    Participant

    * didn’t reflect under Topics

    #188129
    Mark
    Participant

    RoxySue,

    He gave you his answer.  You only have yourself to blame by staying in a relationship that has no future. You are keeping yourself from having a real committed relationship with someone who values you in all ways.

    Mark

    #188131
    RoxySue
    Participant

    Yes Mark that’s right. And even though he has not ruled a future out, it has been two years and at some point the future is now.

    #188151
    Bubba
    Participant

    Roxysue, if you want a committed relationship and he has not already committed after two years, better leave now. It’s going to be painful, lot of heartbreak and will power to stop you from going back, but you will have to do it someday – today, six months later, one year later….

     

    i read some where – when people tell you the first time who they are, believe them.

    #188367
    RoxySue
    Participant

    Thank you everyone for your replies. I have decided that I’m going to at the very least tell him I cannot be a secret any longer. That part feels very demeaning to me. It feels like I am not worth the risk of possible negative consequences. I feel like I am not a priority. A few times he had said he couldn’t get together (I am the one who is always instigating the plans) because he had to clean his bathroom or was unsure if he wanted to do anything but wanted to stay home.

    All in all I feel like he is getting what he wants out of me with as little effort as possible.

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