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He does not want a commitment and not sure of a future

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Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 38 total)
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  • #188373
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi RoxySue,

    You’re welcome. Let us know what happens or keep posting if you need support. x

    #188501
    anita
    Participant

    Dear RoxySue:

    You are welcome. You don’t want to be a secret, understandable. He is not available to be the man you need him to be: to initiate seeing you, to pursue you, to want you in his life exclusively for the rest of his life. What you are faced with is a man who has his own business working on it six days a week, while having two adult children living with him, one with a serious drug problem, these and other consequences of a marriage that has been dysfunctional for a long time, long before the separation.

    I hope you find a man who is available, able and willing to initiate seeing you often enough, to introduce you to the people in his life, to want to spend the rest  of his life with you.

    anita

    #188907
    Mark
    Participant

    RoxySue,

    Good for you for taking care of yourself.

    By the way, I was re-reading your posts and in case you are hesitating on leaving him here is what you have said about him and your half-relationship:

    I am the one driving the relationship, including when we see each other.

    He has self-described walls up

    He says he does not love me

    has told me he doesn’t care what I do, is still in love with his wife and could give or take a relationship

    he couldn’t get together (I am the one who is always instigating the plans) because he had to clean his bathroom 

    she (his ex-wife)  feels he is selfish with his time and his emotions 

    His ex-wife captures it all.

    Let us know how things go.
    Mark

    #189059
    Michelle
    Participant

    RoxySue – you’ve gotten some solid advice here and I think the writing is on the wall. You need to love yourself. You need to value yourself. This man is using you. You are better than that.

    I’ve been in a similar situation. Don’t let this proceed further. It will just hurt more in the long run to come to the same conclusion that is being presented now.

    #190139
    RoxySue
    Participant

    Thank you all so much for your insightful advice. I have had some more discussions with him: “Yes I do have feelings for you and I do care about you absolutely, but I’m not interested in working on, or being focus on a relationship at this point in my life I could take or leave that part , I am human I have developed feelings for you I’m not heartless”

    Regarding his wife: “And also you know how I feel about my marriage, you’re very clear on that I haven’t heard anything from you that’s also something you need to take into consideration moving forward for yourself. At some point I will not do that I know I have to move forward whatever that may be I will never stop loving her I don’t know if I will ever stop being in love with her but I will stop fighting for her”

    This is what I expected to hear and as Michelle remarked: The writing is on the wall.

    Thank you all! You are remarkable.

    #190147
    Mark
    Participant

    Good for you RoxySue.

    You may want to stop communication with him.  There is nothing more to discuss is there?  Any more talk is an excuse to prolong the non-relationship in my opinion.

    Mark

    #191863
    RoxySue
    Participant

    So as a postscript, his wife said at the her moment she does not want to work on things so he asked her if she wanted a divorce and she told him to do what he wants. So he is moving forward with filing in the next month or two, but he is not sure what she will do …that is, if she will realize it’s actually happening and come back. He says he is not sure if she really wants it to happen.   He also says he is not sure what he will do if she stops him from filing and wants to work on things. I asked him if he is filing for divorce to call her bluff (test her) and he says no. He feels like he can’t be with anyone at this time. He is confused and needs to get through this time alone. He would like me there if  he gets divorced, so things can be in the open, but he doesn’t want me to wait. He also said that consistent with what he said at the beginning of this almost two years ago, that right now he doesn’t think he wants a full on relationship regardless of the situation with his wife.  So even when he is single he will want to date me but may not want a committed situation. He doesn’t know when he will want that.

    Per Mark, I suppose I need to cut him out for good…

    #191883
    anita
    Participant

    Dear RoxySue:

    I am still impressed with this man’s honesty. He is consistent and clear about his position. And it reads to me that better indeed for you to “cut him out for good”, because you need a commitment and a man able to form a commitment to you.

    anita

    #191889
    RoxySue
    Participant

    I do feel like I am being “dumped”, but if history repeats itself, he will be back, meaning I suspect in a week or so, he will reach out to me with some type of innuendo, which will eventually turn into our getting together.  That is how it tends to work. He has been in and out for two years…

    So yes, he is honest, but he also always leaves the door open a crack to keep me hanging on. He gives me some sort of carrot to keep my hopes up a little, like saying he has feelings for me and cares about me and wants to be with me after his divorce (in whatever capacity that may be). I feel like he wants to put the minimum in to see how much he can get.  I also do not understand how he can be in love with his wife if he has not made an effort to get back with her all the while having an affair with me.  He could have spent all that time he was spending with me pursuing her. I feel like he wants her now that she has said she does not want to work on things. He wants what he cannot have.

    He talked about the fact that I had dated throughout these past few years and he did not. He did not understand why I “need” a man. I disagreed and said that I do not need a man, but rather am open to having a real relationship with someone and when he said he was not, I dated others to see if I could find someone who was also open to possibilities.  Therefore, it is not that I need a commitment, but, Anita, you are correct in that I do want a man who is capable of one should that be something that I ultimately want.

    Last night he stopped by to pick something up and I guess to say goodbye. He came in and picked up the guitar, played me some music, then he laid back on me and we watched some humorous videos together. After two hours, I was thinking that maybe he just had a bad day the other day when he said he wanted to be alone during this time. He was not acting like a man who wanted to end things. And, this has happened before …he ends things then we continue like nothing happened. So after a longer evening, before he left, he reminded me he wanted to be alone now. I am so angry about that. I am angry that I allowed myself to get sucked into his affection and he ended up getting what he wanted before he confirmed that he was still moving forward. So, while he is honest, I feel like that was insensitive and playing with my emotions.

     

     

    #192017
    anita
    Participant

    Dear RoxySue:

    I was quick earlier to assume that he is honest with you. His statements read honest, but taking them as part of his overall communications to you, his behavior, he is not honest, after all. His statements in isolation point to an honest man, but a man is more than the statements he makes.

    I wonder if he feels comfortable making those statements (paying his dues to honesty, sort of), comfortable enough to continue a dishonest behavior.

    anita

    #192753
    RoxySue
    Participant

    Hi Anita- thank you for your reply and for your insight.  He has been honest in his statements to me, that’s true. He just has not been very sensitive. I also think I just need to come to terms with the fact that he does not want me. And that’s okay. It does not feel great but I don’t take it personally. It has been two years and he keeps defaulting to the same story. And he pulls back and/or ends things with me after we have a stretch of time where we had a good time.

    Thank you so much!!

    #192799
    anita
    Participant

    Dear RoxySue:

    You are welcome. You make a good point, that he “has not been very sensitive”, not caring, that is, about how his statements and behaviors affect you. I hope you continue to not take it personally because it isn’t.

    anita

    #194745
    RoxySue
    Participant

    Thank you Anita and everyone for your responses. I have an update. So the week after he came over, he kept in touch. So again the next Saturday night, (naively) thinking there was a chance to get things back to normal, I had him come over. Things were great again and I felt very close to him. Then as he walked out the door he turned to me and told me “not to read to much into this” and that “nothing has changed” but “we’re still friends”. I asked him to leave. It felt like someone had punched me in the gut.  He apologized for saying that several times. He never really said he didn’t mean it, just that he shouldn’t have said it. It was heartless and demeaning to say that to someone you have spent two years with and was close to…at least what I thought.

    So the next Monday and Tuesday nights he ends up at the gym location I go to  He usually goes to another location.  He exercised with me, showed me how to use many weighthts, staying after with me for an hour to help train me   The next night he showed up again  same thing  he left after to get some dinner alone and did not ask me to join him though  then I did not hear from him for two days  On the third morning I texted him and told him that the last two times we were together he made it clear it was purely physical. So the next time he is planning on texting me it will be to have an adult mature relationship with me or let me go completely meaning no contact.  We texted a little that night then said goodnight and that was it  i have not heard from him since  I am terribly upset  but I feel like I did he right thing.  He didn’t want to be with me right now, so why should I continue to sleep with him and get my hopes up each time he reached out to say hello.  I hope it gets better.  It is just very hard to say goodbye to someone like this.

     

    #194747
    RoxySue
    Participant

    As a follow-up the night he said that to me, he had a few drinks. That was his excuse. I don’t buy it because usually when people drink, chances are the truth comes out. Anyhow, I do miss him, but I am also hurt that he does not love me. So it is a conflict of emotions. I miss not talking to him so part of me wants to keep in contact. But I fear it may just take me down the same path I was on.

    ** also, please excuse the missing punctuation in the prior post…for some reason the period was not working well.

     

    #194751
    anita
    Participant

    Dear RoxySue:

    You are welcome and I am glad you are back with an update.

    I wrote to you above, Feb 11: “I am impressed with this man’s honesty. He is consistent and clear about his position”-

    I was wrong. His statements in isolation, outside the situations and pattern of behavior, read like honest statement. But not in context. Let’s look at the context you described in your post today:

    He comes over and “Things were great again and I felt very close to him”, meaning he communicated to you: I love you (not with these words). He knows this is what you “heard” because of past experiences with you. When he said “not to read much into this”, he said it because he believed you already read it.

    His dishonesty is to give you a text tor read, so to speak, letting you read it, and then say: don’t read it.

    But you already read it because he already gave you the text to read.

    You wrote: “So the next time he is planning on texting me it will be to have an adult mature relationship with me or let me go completely meaning no contact”- the problem I see now is that it is not an issue of maturity, on his part, but … honesty.

    anita

     

     

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 38 total)

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