Dear Anita and GL,

sorry for the late reply.

Thank you very much for what you elaborated about how I feel and was experiencing.

I still often experience anxiety, it’s not only family and relationships but it grows to my working environment. Though I have nice and satisfying job, it really demanding and stressful. At the end of the day, i don’t have anyone to share my stories. I thought I had a best friend but couple days ago I found that she manipulated me and took some money from me. I end up keep everything by myself.

most of the written posts are about either your parents or about Andre and how you can do something for them, but never about how you feel, not really about you.

It’s true. Most of the times when I find myself telling about how I feel, i stop and withdraw. I think i’ve been unconsciously scared to speak up because it’s already planted on my mind that my ideas would be rejected. Even when I was still in school and in most group projects or when I had chance to lead the group, i didn’t really speak up my mind, the other overpowered me then I resented. But as I grow up, I tried a little and not resent.

I felt most comfortable speaking up my mind to my ex lover during the affair. It wasn’t about the money/privilege/materialistic stuffs I could get. Most importantly I held on because he was very understanding and listened to my stories compassionately, he knew my family background and what I went through. On some occasions, I exploded towards him but that was my inner child seeking for comfort. Mostly when he started to only reply my text with short words or he didn’t reply/read my message after long time, I broke down and got angry with him. little did I know that I was scared getting abandoned (again).

I’m afraid that when I enter a romantic relationship, it will happen again. For smallest things that don’t go as what i desire, i will explode or sunk in my overthinking pool of destructive thoughts. I’m afraid I continue the legacy of abusive words towards my lover and consider those words as form of affection and attention.

Hi Anita,

The thread was around one year ago under title I ended an affair, I’m not sure. But I pretty much mentioned about my childhood there.

my anxiety started as I grew up abandoned. My parents were there physically but what they did only argue and abusive words were daily food for me and my brother. They almost ended up with divorce but then thought about our future, so it’s not happen until now. Every day they did not have clear mind so our opinions would be turned down or even not listened. They also had big expectations for me to always excel in school and have excellent future. they demand me to be always good girl, obey what they said and if I had my own opinions, they used to judge me as a very bad daughter. For the last 8 years, they’re trying their best to make it up and i’ve been doing my best to make our relationship ‘normal’ but I don’t really feel it. My father, especially, has very negative thoughts and victimised himself. Well, i got that he has his own wounds from his hard past even also the siblings. I don’t really feel comfortable sharing my stories with my parents and also the rest of family. Because I’ve been a ‘rebel’ and might have more intriguing experiences than theirs and they might not understand.

Including the affair that i ended one year ago with a married man who worked in my town as diplomat.  I was very devastated last year but now i slowly picking up myself and letting go what has happened. That’s also maybe why I look forward with the potential in my encounter with this new man I met on my recent vacation, just called him Andre. Because Andre is single, a hard worker (he told me about his travel work holiday stuffs, good and bad experiences), loves his family cause he shares a lot about his life in his home country, showing me his activities with family and friends there… oh Anita.. I feel like this kind of man is rare. Knowing what I had experience in the past…..

Hi Anita,

thank you for your advise. I’ve never found best term to describe my behavior: rushing, until you mentioned it.

Sometimes I can turn into impatient and want instant answers which impossible in particular circumstances.