LC — this does sound like a difficult situation. Troubles in friendship aren’t talked about as much as troubles in romance, but our friends can be just as important to us. Having friendship troubles can bring great stress and sadness into our lives.

I have actually been witness to many situations like yours: best friends are inseparable, one friend has a child, other friend goes MIA. Sometimes they reconcile, sometimes they don’t, but it’s far more common than you might know (which doesn’t necessarily make it hurt any less.)

I think this can happen for a few reasons (as every friendship is different) but a commonality is that a great change has occurred. A baby is a wonderful addition, but often when one person changes in a friendship (whether it’s by having a baby, getting into a relationship, experiencing success/failure, etc) it can bring about a shift in dynamic. It isn’t always out of malice or ill will, either…sometimes the other person just doesn’t know how to change along with you, and thus they distance themselves. (Painful or unfair as that might be.)

I did notice that you said this was “an incredibly close friend” and that she “brings out the best qualities” in you. To me that line speaks to a sincere regard you still have for her, albeit one that’s been hurt and let down by her as well.

I believe that a part of long term friendship is forgiveness. I have a few very dear friends that mean the world to me, but they’re people who have also let me down in the past. (Similarly, I have let them down as well.)

Within each of these friendships I’ve had to ask myself a few questions: how important are they to my life? How do I feel when I’m with them? Does the good outweigh the bad?

I also have to ask…can I talk to this person about what I’m feeling?

Which brings me to the question I have for you, LC…Is this something you would be comfortable talking about with your friend? It might allow you to heal either way: whether you decide to continue the friendship, or not.

Best of luck with this, xx

Joey,

I’m sorry to hear about the heartbreak. We’ve all been there, somewhat, and it’s really hard.

Even though it feels like the only thing that will make you feel better is this girl coming back into your life, that’s actually not true. I know we’ve all heard the trite “no one can love you until you love yourself” line, and I roll my eyes as I read that too, but…it’s kind of true.

Our happiness comes from inside of us, we just let other people give us the permission to feel it. Other people “allow” us to feel love, feel good about ourselves, feel purpose, etc. And other people really matter, a lot, and love is wonderful. But sometimes the people that enter and exit our lives are more like teachers and mirrors- showing us what we need to learn, what we need to fix, who we want to become.

Sometimes we learn that with them in our lives, sometimes we learn it because they leave.

It sounds like you are a pretty harsh judge of who you were, and you’re changing. Be kind to yourself, but self-work is AWESOME. Keep doing it, keep inching along, and keep working on yourself…regardless of whether or not she comes back, you will be a better person because of it. You’re already on your way.

Also, I think you should watch this video. Don’t be fooled by the title: it’s about a guy who gets his heartbroken, feels terrible, and then…things change. Also it’s hilarious.

Keep your chin up.