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Melissa

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  • #51455

    Melissa
    Participant

    First off, let me say I am so sorry you are feeling this way. It is truly torture. The upside? At least personally? My husband and I have truly turned a corner in our lives together. As you referenced, once all is revealed, it is as if there is no more confusion, no more room or lies or deceit. And I must say, this corner we turned was only after a deep darkness. Its as if we could only see the light after we kicked off the bottom – like, the very bottom… It was only after being totally honest and tearful one night that things really began to turn round for us. Was it because he cried? admitted defeat and deceit? That may have helped my twisted mind at the time, but honestly it was only after I chose and was able to literally “put this situation down.” I had to, and still do tell myself, just let it go – and the most important part of that very generic statement is I visualize myself putting down an invisible burden – bending at the knee, and placing it on the ground, walking away and not looking back. I repeat it often as one of my husbands “past offenses” is prominent Realtor in our town of 2500 people, so her name and phone number are literally Every-where… I remind myself of that this life e have together is now and it is real. I know that I have touched his soul like none of these other people have and that is small comfort. You know, it is almost as if I say to myself, “I cant help but believe the things he tells me about THE PRESENT, because anything else is just a guess… even if that guess may be educated from past experiences. I had to choose to quit torturing myself – that is something no one cant teach or give time reference to. I really wish I could. I hope this helps, even a little bit – I know what it feels like to want to run, believe me I do – but I decided that if I ran I would be trading one nightmare for the next – considering my husbands past choices when he is feeling unworthy (which is what happens when men are left) What kind of atmosphere would he provide for my children then? What kind of women would be around my babies if I weren’t in his life? That is truly something I cannot tolerate. I wish you peace I really do – best of luck to all of you

    Melissa

    #35621

    Melissa
    Participant

    Well here I am again – the only reason I keep tormenting you is I assume we are all here in this forum – to be heard or to offer sound advice – which you surely have…

    I am truly practicing being gentle with myself because I agree, how can I be kind to others when there is nothing there to give to me. I am having an intense heated battle within myself – I can literally feel it – there is a sensation that my rib cage is being ripped open from the inside – and I have lost 7 pounds in 5 days –

    Although the information about the past has been slowly trickled in over the years,I just recently found out about one of his affairs with a married woman, and the repeated cheating and the extent of partners. It has always bothered me, and I’ve felt that my decision to be with him was a mistake at varying levels of intensity over the years – this is by far the worst episode for me. Its like I just cant take anymore – I literally have no more understanding or forgiveness for this person because just when I wrap my brain around that last information with compassion, something new of equal or “worse” value comes up.

    On the one side I don’t want my husband to leave me or fall “out of love” with me because he senses my disgust. The thought of him not being in my life is truly horrifying, On the other point if someone were to ask me “what in your eyes constitutes a “bad” person?” I would undoubtedly list all of the indiscretion’s that he has done. To me those are undesirable qualities in a human being, and yes people do those things, but I don’t want those people anywhere near me. In fact I’ve worked hard to rid my life of people who behave in just that way – but with me being in the dark about this from the start, I had no choice. I feel like I fell in love with the projection of what someone wanted to be.

    Now I have this new fear that if we are apart, which we sometimes are for a few days at a time, he will be in a sleazy bar somewhere with a sleazy girl doing sleazy things because of his past history of cheating on girlfriends (yes that is plural…) and his general disregard for the feelings of others. He was a self professed and observed by others to be a “bar fly” He has had multiple DUI’s in the past (none with me) and is also a Felon for a breaking and entering incident when he was 18 (He is now 52) You guessed it – I knew nothing of these matters before we were together. He also has 3 other children that don’t speak to him anymore, for their own “valid” reasons I’m sure. I didn’t even know he had kids until after we had slept together and I was in love. I thought, “well hell – if this is as bad as it gets, then I can handle it…” Well – it got increasingly worse. The character that was his being before is everything I detest in humanity – the person he claims to be now and outwardly shows is what I’ve always wanted.

    It is absolutely interfering with my day. I wake up and it is on my mind – I feel like I live and sleep with the worst case scenario of sloppy seconds. I mean really – who wants someone everybody else has already had? Doesn’t that take away the “special-ness” and purity that two people share by being intimate? The beautiful aspect of it all? I literally cannot look him in the eye without having a mini panic attack and a ripping open of the chest. I know that in some way this is the ego not letting go of something, of somehow craving this pain – but I swear to Christ and all the people like him – that I DO NOT want to feel this way anymore – I want peace and contentment.

    You know just when I feel “at ease” with things, or like I’ve got a grip on the situation, I turn on the TV or the radio and someone is talking about a terrible cheating person – or how men just “cant help it” and then I am reminded again that my husband was a sleaze ball. I feel like I want to love him because as I said the thought if him gone from me is truly hideous – but I feel “dirty” for being with a “dirty” person. And I feel stupid as ever for being the last to know.

    Now let me thank you again for all your insight – You give lengthy and heartfelt responses and I know that takes personal time and feeling – Thank you for being gentle with him as well as with me – because even though all the nerves in my body are screaming “YOU FILTHY BASTARD” I would be upset if anyone else berated him in this way- Dumb huh? Makes no sense – I want to love and I want to be loved – I just cant seem to get out of this thought pattern – I have nothing to replace the thoughts of shame and disgust. If I could find something that my brain actually believed to turn the poles I would be delighted. Things like “the past is the past” and “People can change” are just not things my brain is willing to accept. What do I do? I am truly at a loss. The battle within me is going to drive me crazy and it is going to drive everyone around me crazy regardless of if I ever open my mouth about it or not…

    #35513

    Melissa
    Participant

    First off let me start by thanking you for not judging me, and you know after talking a bit to him and reading and re-reading, and then re-reading 🙂 your comment I can see that you are absolutely correct in almost everything you said. I think i need to focus more on practicing the habits I am learning about and striving for instead of trying to simply collect the data and hoard it in the hopes that it will magically cure me of my discontent. If I look at the root of my “issues” it is so much more of a personal problem than a problem with him – now I have to get over this guilt I have about causing him pain – because I know I have. Hurt people hurt people and I have a lot of hurt inside of me that I am really trying to release. I don’t want to hurt him but the animal in me says “I don’t want me to hurt first – at any cost – human or otherwise” These are all things that we have to uncover in our own ways but they seem so personal and exclusive. And you know what? He didn’t lie to me, I felt deceived because I am thinking of deception and truth inaccurately. I try to hard to be “perfect” and then I try to make everyone around me perfect when I feel that I have a shortcoming in my own “perfection” I know this is wrong, its a matter of finding the right way of thinking and Ill tell you what it is a struggle sometimes.

    Thank you for your help – you are a strange to me and I really got a lot out of what you said. Now – what can I do to repair the damage that I know I have caused others by me choosing pain? Any thoughts there – hey you seem smart and if I can milk that out a bit I will 🙂 If your willing …

    #35498

    Melissa
    Participant

    I am sorry if I am disrespecting anyone here, I am new to the site and want help desperately with an issue, I don’t know where to start a thread? Please help me, again my apologies for invading your space here, just didn’t know where to start…

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