Hi Roaroha, thank you for taking the time to read my post, I am truly sorry you have had the experiences you describe, no one deserves to burden another’s pain and anger, particularly not from the person who gave them life. I admire your courage and if you came to me as a friend with your story I would advise you to take care of yourself the way you describe. When you feel guilt or doubt in yourself remind yourself how you advised me in the same situation 🙂 It is hard for us to take our own advice though eh! I understand about narcissistic abuse, I believe my Dad is narcissistic, he seems only to be able to see himself in the world and has no concept of how his behaviour affects me or my brother and sister. He took an overdose when I was a child shortly after his father died, when I did the same after a relationship breakdown he said he did it because he had real problems, that I didn’t have any where near his justification. He also said, whilst drunk that he wished I’d been successful :(. I’ve just had a call from my stepmother to say he has been diagnosed with stomach cancer. We’re not surprised after all the years of smoking and drinking. I don’t know about you but I believe we have a responsibility to the people we love to try to keep ourselves well. Every can of beer or cigarette has taken a little bit of him away from us. My stepmother is strong and she keeps him going, at times she is cold but their relationship works so I know he is not completely alone. I found myself saying to her that I wanted to see him because that is what I think is the right thing to do, but I don’t want to see him. I feel angry with him, which is hard because I am normally compassionate and kind. I turned the conversation around and said it would be better for me to wait until he has a full diagnosis and we know where he will be. My stepmother didn’t encourage me to come and I felt bad as it sounded like excuses. It is a long way away and will cost time, money and emotions that drain the life I’ve built up on my own. I feel like a terrible person and I go over and over in my head the things they probably say about me but I need to put it in perspective . . . My stepmother described this evening how my dad doesn’t think he has the will to fight this, she told him he has too for the people who need him, their close personal friends and their dogs . . . no mention of his daughter or my brother and sister who have both been neglected and abused by him. He closed the door on his children a long time ago, maybe it’s time for me to lock it shut!

Don’t apologise, I love the verse 🙂
I’ve decided to give myself a couple of days off work, I’m going to relax and get out in the garden for some fresh air and to nurture my plants. I spoke to my doctor last night as I was worried I was headed for catastrophe, he said how I feel is normal given the circumstances and he doesn’t think I need medicine and intervention. It occurred to me that they have a perception of me of a useless, fat overemotional “not quite with it” person but that they perpetuate this, I eat to feel better and I’m sedate in their company to avoid their criticism. They have created the “me” they see, but it exists only for them. Who I am in my own life is the real me and the one I need to take care of. I’m hoping some me time will repair the damage all this stuff has been doing over the last few weeks.

Thank you again for your kind words x

Hi Belove

We have found ourselves expecting a baby, this was something we led to believe would take time as I have fertility issues and we were booked in for lots of tests etc etc. While i’ve been resting my body from all the medicines they were giving me it has happened on its own. I was naeive to think that it would take a couple of years and we would have realised some of our dreams and be comfortable and settled. We both want to have children but we both want the circumstances to be right and at the moment they just aren’t! Financially, domestically, between us as a couple in that we havn’t had much time to enjoy each other. We don’t have much in the way of memories to fall back on when times are tough, which they will be at times if we have the baby and I don’t have any family support. Whilst I know there is never a right time there are some major factors that help couples to manage a baby and I believe these contribute to the overall success of parenting. My partner and I both had difficult childhoods and are very aware of the damage unhappy/unfulfilled parents and financial hardship can do and I would rather not put another human being through that. So we have a difficult choice to make, do we decide to wait until we are more settled . . . or do we take a gamble and see where we end up? It doesn’t help that we are both looking to the other to find the answers and neither of us want to deny the other of something we both want at some point.

I hope no one will be offended by my post, I know this topic is highly personal, that is why I wasn’t explicit at first.

Mx