fbpx
Menu

Sick father, confused daughter

HomeForumsRelationshipsSick father, confused daughter

New Reply
Viewing 10 posts - 1 through 10 (of 10 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #75081
    melon80
    Participant

    My father cut contact with me in 2011 when I ended my relationship with my ex partner. I was in a real mess but he handed me £100 and told me not to ring him about my problems, that he wasn’t interested. He has been in and out of my life so many times that I didn’t try to build bridges. The emotional abuse I’ve suffered over the years just to have a relationship with him wasn’t worth it. A few weeks later I had a breakdown and tried to end my life. During the years that followed I worked hard to rebuild my life, I met a new partner, went to college, got a better job and things were looking up . . . then I got the phone call! My father, who has been an alcoholic and a chain smoker all of his life, despite being diagnosed with a serious genetic kidney disease was in the end stages of renal failure. Despite everything I drew a line in the sand and said I would be there to support him. Everyone warned me to be careful not to bust my boundaries, to only do what I could manage and to be wary of his behaviour. I naively thought his illness would make him kinder and less likely to manipulate me. Maybe he realised the value of family and wanted a real relationship with me. How wrong can a person be! Both he and my stepmother behave just as they ever did, I am still “not quite with it” I’ve still “left marriage and children too late (I’m 35)” I’m still “overweight” . . . and they believe “I shouldn’t have children as I wouldn’t be able to cope with something that needs me 24 hours a day” and they have advised me “I need to see every minute detail of my dads illness as it’s what I should expect in the future” I have the kidney disease too. They are cold, callous manipulative and overly critical. They tell me I’m too emotional when I get tearful seeing my big strong dad looking so fragile in his hospital bed. They tell me about life threatening appointments then switch their phones off when I ring to find out how he is. They tell me he’s at deaths door but refuse to give details as they know I’ll worry. They send me pictures of him in his wheelchair while I’m at work knowing I’ll be worried and upset and too far away to do anything. I make plans to go and see them and they cancel only to ask me to go again a few days later for some urgent reason. I wouldn’t mind but they moved 200 hundred miles away without telling me because they didn’t want me to get in touch, it costs me a fortune in time and money only to be put down and belittled when I get there. If I try to love my Dad my step mum tells me I shouldn’t tell him I love him or talk to him supportively as it doesn’t help. As his illness progresses I feel more and more pressure to do the right thing by him, but what is the right thing? This is a man who physically and emotionally abused his family, who bought drink and cigarettes while his children went without clothes and shoes and who we were all so frightened of were removed to foster care because of. Who my mother claims raped her, and if he didn’t do that he still hit her and us. Do I owe him the love and care a daughter would offer a father who was there for her, or is it ok for me to go with my feelings and say No, you’ve bullied and hurt me my whole life and when I needed you, you abandoned me. How many times should I forgive and forget before I draw a line? The hardest part of all is that they have no idea the way they behave isn’t normal. How they are with me isn’t how you treat someone you love and if I dare stand up for myself I face more abuse and rejection. My partner believes they want me to abandon my life here to go up there and live with them, if nothing else to keep my stepmother company. They have always distanced themselves from their family and friends and everyone else has cut them off. I love my dad, that’s why I keep trying and in my minds eye all I can see is him alone and in pain in hospital. No one deserves that but I feel so anxious and upset about it all the life I’ve built up is suffering and I’m not sure if the hurt outweighs the good or if I’m just a pawn in a big game. I’m hoping someone out there can give me some insight into this truly awful situation.

    #75082
    Heidi
    Participant

    Thats such a hard situation ):

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by Heidi.
    #75085
    George
    Participant

    What can i say, whatever comes out of my mouth will be delivered with anger for all children of alcoholics who never deserved such treatment (i have an alcoholic father as well). Each case is different.

    If in your situation boundaries helped you reclaim your life then don’t abandon them. That is all i have to say.

    And don’t feel guilty for putting boundaries when your father is ill. You said your self that he hurts you when you are near him.
    Even if it helped you being near him you can’t let one life be consumed by pain (your life) for the sake of another life(your fathers’).

    Take care of yourself
    George

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by George.
    #75087
    melon80
    Participant

    Thank you both, just having someone acknowledge the awfulness of it all and someone who knows how alcoholism damages everyone one around it, not just the drinker really helps. I know I have to set boundaries to protect my own life but it’s hard to have the courage Io do that when outwardly not rushing to his side may seem cruel and uncaring and my self esteem is so low I don’t feel i have the right to say no. I’ve given it a lot of thought this evening, while I await an update from my step mother that never comes. I’ve decided that until someone calls me to say he is at deaths door I am not going to upset the balance at home. If things really have gotten as serious as I was led to believe at the weekend why have the hospital not asked for next of kin and my step mother reported no news every day? As hard as it is for me to say this I think they just want to know they have the power to pick me up and put me down when they feel like it. Why on earth you would play this game at a time like this Is beyond me. If I destroy the life I have here there is no guarantee I will have a relationship with them afterwards and it will all have been for nothing. It’s a harsh reality that just because they are your parents doesn’t mean they have your best interests at heart 🙁

    I understand your anger George, it’s grossly unfair the way an addiction destroys relationships and lives for some, but like me, out of all of it you have managed to hold on to your compassion and kindness and even though you feel angry at times you are basically better and stronger person for your experiences. Thank you for taking the time to read my post I wish for all things calm and positive for you in the future, you deserve them 🙂 x

    #75098
    George
    Participant

    Dear melon80

    Thank you for your kind words and wishes! I wish for you the same. You deserve them as well!

    You have realised that the way your father and stepmother treat you is unfair, and heart-breaking. They don’t have your best interests at heart but other people will(and do)! Your partner for example. How does he feel about this? Your friends? Do they like seeing you getting hurt? No, they want you to be happy.

    I agree with you, if it is not an emergency then don’t show up to accept all that criticism and manipulation. In fact, to ensure there is really an emergency you could contact a doctor at the hospital and explain him/her the situation asking to be informed when things are at deaths door for real!

    Some people due to distorted behavior cling to other peoples lives to affirm their life. That is why having the power to pick you up and put you down blinds your parent and stepmother to the hurt they inflict you. But this is not a healthy relationship at all…
    Why destroy something you created with effort where you live that pleases you for something that brings you pain instead of satisfaction?

    It’s a harsh reality that just because they are your parents doesn’t mean they have your best interests at heart
    I am so sorry, melon. Maybe they can’t help it, maybe they don’t know how bad they make you feel. Maybe they are empty emotionally or immature to care about yor feelings. I don’t personally know them but i do know that you want to feel healthy and happy and that is what matters! That matters. You matter.

    Beyond relatives, beyond strenuous social commitments lies our self, in the grass, grasping a big dose of air, wishing hapiness to the song of the birds on the tree branches. Wishing hapiness to come to us, like the song that enters our ears. And whoever wants hapiness deserves it. No one should feel guilty to enjoy life!

    I am sorry for this silly little verse, i couldn’t help myself!

    My best of wishes to you
    George

    #75104
    melon80
    Participant

    Don’t apologise, I love the verse 🙂
    I’ve decided to give myself a couple of days off work, I’m going to relax and get out in the garden for some fresh air and to nurture my plants. I spoke to my doctor last night as I was worried I was headed for catastrophe, he said how I feel is normal given the circumstances and he doesn’t think I need medicine and intervention. It occurred to me that they have a perception of me of a useless, fat overemotional “not quite with it” person but that they perpetuate this, I eat to feel better and I’m sedate in their company to avoid their criticism. They have created the “me” they see, but it exists only for them. Who I am in my own life is the real me and the one I need to take care of. I’m hoping some me time will repair the damage all this stuff has been doing over the last few weeks.

    Thank you again for your kind words x

    #75105
    Sophia Alder
    Participant

    I was actually in a similar situation just over a year ago. I had an argument with my father which ended with him telling me that he no longer wanted me to be his daughter. After that I stopped talking to him because I’d had enough of all the hurt that came with it, after all a 15 year old shouldn’t have to hear those words from her own father. A few months later however I got told that he had lung cancer after a lifetime of smoking, and that he would not be alive for very long. It was a hard decision whether or not to see him again, and I chose to stay away. Like your father, he had always been emotionally abuse, both to myself and my mother, and I felt justified in my decision. I can’t say 100% what is right for you, so I’ll ask you this. Do you think the pain that you feel when you see him will be worse than the pain of regretting not supporting him after he dies? If you feel it is, then you should definitely stay away, you need to make this decision with your own health and happiness in mind. Whatever you decide I hope it makes you happy, and I’m sending love and prayers to you to help you get through this. Just remember, there is no wrong or right in the situation, and if you choose to walk away now, you are still a good person.

    #75134
    melon80
    Participant

    Hi Zelwolf, thank you so much for your post, it helped enormously! I am sorry to hear you have had a similar experience and admire the courage you have shown in deciding to do what is best for you. I am inspired as you seem to have come out the other side and still feel confident that you did the right thing. If you can do it I can too 🙂 I too have heard similar things to you uttered by my Dad, it is completely unacceptable to say something like that to your child and says more about them than it does about us! I wonder if our fathers feel threatened by our good qualities and feel they have to bully them out of us? You seem to have acquired wisdom and strength from your experience which is a positive from the negative. The thought process you suggested about what is worse the “now” or the “then” has really put things into perspective for me. I had come to terms with never seeing my Dad again after the last time he kicked off and apart from feeling sad every now and then I didn’t expect to see him again or really want too. As cowardly as I think it sounds I don’t want to see him, I don’t want to hear the things he and my stepmother say and I don’t want the calm and peace of mind I fought so hard for to be taken away. I’ve spent so many days of my life worrying and being upset over him, it’s time to stop now, it makes no difference to me or to him. I know you will have good days and bad but I hope you are in a good place in your life right now and that you have positive relationships to make up for your experiences. Thank you so much 🙂 xx

    #75153
    Ro
    Participant

    Hello melon80. I’m truly sorry to read of what you’ve gone through and what you are currently going through with your father and stepmother. Two things i picked up on in your first post: 1) Your life has been endangered in the past due to pain caused by your father. 2) you actually asked in the first post “…Or is it ok for me to go with my feelings and say No…”

    That second part is a question many children of abusive parents find themselves asking. Last year I was in a bad situation myself. Becoming more and more suicidal. Eventually i realised my mother was the trigger. I decided that my life was more important to me than continuing contact with my mother. It hurts, but i know i will not go back. There is guilt… Last week she emailed me to say her father had died. Previously i was my mother’s only outlet for emotional support (venting her hate, really) – so I found myself worried for my mother, that she wouldnt have anyone to talk with. But you know why she has nobody to talk with now? Because she isn’t nice. I let myself feel the guilt and the burden of responsibility my mother trained me to have… and I didnt contact her. The feelings of guilt passed.

    The only way the confusion ever started to clear for me with regards to the terrible abuse i’ve suffered at the hands of my family of origin, was after i started learning about narcissistic abuse. Learning about what narcissism truly is, has helped me to blame myself less. Basically, I am 34 and only beginning to awaken. My life is beginning.

    I would say not only is it ‘ok’ for you to go with your feelings melon – it is imperative. This is your life at stake. You are the guardian of your own life. That is not a job to be taken lightly.

    Best wishes.

    Kia Kaha – Stay strong!

    #75159
    melon80
    Participant

    Hi Roaroha, thank you for taking the time to read my post, I am truly sorry you have had the experiences you describe, no one deserves to burden another’s pain and anger, particularly not from the person who gave them life. I admire your courage and if you came to me as a friend with your story I would advise you to take care of yourself the way you describe. When you feel guilt or doubt in yourself remind yourself how you advised me in the same situation 🙂 It is hard for us to take our own advice though eh! I understand about narcissistic abuse, I believe my Dad is narcissistic, he seems only to be able to see himself in the world and has no concept of how his behaviour affects me or my brother and sister. He took an overdose when I was a child shortly after his father died, when I did the same after a relationship breakdown he said he did it because he had real problems, that I didn’t have any where near his justification. He also said, whilst drunk that he wished I’d been successful :(. I’ve just had a call from my stepmother to say he has been diagnosed with stomach cancer. We’re not surprised after all the years of smoking and drinking. I don’t know about you but I believe we have a responsibility to the people we love to try to keep ourselves well. Every can of beer or cigarette has taken a little bit of him away from us. My stepmother is strong and she keeps him going, at times she is cold but their relationship works so I know he is not completely alone. I found myself saying to her that I wanted to see him because that is what I think is the right thing to do, but I don’t want to see him. I feel angry with him, which is hard because I am normally compassionate and kind. I turned the conversation around and said it would be better for me to wait until he has a full diagnosis and we know where he will be. My stepmother didn’t encourage me to come and I felt bad as it sounded like excuses. It is a long way away and will cost time, money and emotions that drain the life I’ve built up on my own. I feel like a terrible person and I go over and over in my head the things they probably say about me but I need to put it in perspective . . . My stepmother described this evening how my dad doesn’t think he has the will to fight this, she told him he has too for the people who need him, their close personal friends and their dogs . . . no mention of his daughter or my brother and sister who have both been neglected and abused by him. He closed the door on his children a long time ago, maybe it’s time for me to lock it shut!

Viewing 10 posts - 1 through 10 (of 10 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.