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Mika

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Viewing 13 posts - 1 through 13 (of 13 total)
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  • #218509
    Mika
    Participant

    Dear OP,

    If it was a friend of mine asking this question, I would advice him/her NOT to be involved with this person. On other words, go no contact and do not ever speak with him again. Ghosting is very cruel and I do not think you or anyone deserves this kind of treatment. Why he ghosted you is not relevant. There will always be excuses, and the fact that he is blaming you for his own unacceptable behavior sounds very alarming to me.

    #213767
    Mika
    Participant

    Looks like you can not edit your post (my post was a bit too harsh) Altough I believe codependency is narcissist behavior, I do not dont think they have full blown NPD (extreme narcissism). Its just that they have have strong narcissist tendencies.

    #213745
    Mika
    Participant

    If I would have to describe real love as I see it, it would be freedom. It is like opposite to the addictive love related to trauma bonding. Addiction is a narcissistic need for the supply. This is the reason why I see codependents very narcissistic individuals. They are “good” narcissists. But it is all about control. The need to be needed. The need to put you in morally superior position. When you are a “rescuer”, you automatically see the other person as inferior to you, even if you do not admit it to yourself. Therefore, controlling behavior related to codependency is a form of abuse.

    I have what some people would call “white knight syndrome”. It is like having delusional, narcissistic belief that I can save other people with my love. What a joke. What a lie. I have an idea of what real love is, but I do not know how it feels. And maybe I never will. And this scares the shit out of me.

    #205223
    Mika
    Participant

    This is video about borderline women. I do not care if you say that I am projecting my own stuff to other people. These guys tell the truth in video. I went through that. All the guys out there, watch this and please, be careful.

    #205011
    Mika
    Participant

    Yes, of course. There is still a lot of work to do.

    #204961
    Mika
    Participant

    I talked with my counselor today. I told her everything I have told here, and some other things as well. We talked about my childhood and my mother as well. I am not going to details, but this breakup is MOST DEFINETLY not my fault only. All I am going to say is that I am really happy that she is not in my life anymore. It does not mean that I do not wish her well, I really do. Now I am safe again.

    #204929
    Mika
    Participant

    Thank you Anita, especially for helping me to see my part on this. This is always the most difficult part. I also understand that it is very difficult to see your own flaws sometimes, and the big part of personal growth is to own your own shadows. Altough she did some hurtful things to me, I know she is not a bad person. She carries a lot of anger, lot of grief. The most difficult part of this is that I really wanted to help her to help herself, and instead of that I only caused more pain. And at the same time I know I have to forgive myself. I know I did not want to cause harm. I just did not know what I am doing. And I think this applies to almost everybody. People do not intentionally hurt each other. It makes me really sad that she thinks that my apologies had 100% selfish motive. What I tried to do was validating her hurt feelings and make sure that she does not take all the guilt. I have to admit that I needed that too, so thats why I went to counseling in the first place. With her I was never able to get that validation. But again, her reaction tells me that she really cared about me and I let her down. I have always felt so unlovable that it was impossible to believe that somebody really loves me and will be there for me. I hope that maybe one day she understands that I cared about her too. I know that right now she does not think that way.

    #204875
    Mika
    Participant

    Yeah, I hope that too. I was hoping that she goes to therapy so she can heal her own pain, not because I thought there is something wrong with her. Her father left her and her family when she was baby. Now when I think it was not bad luck or anything that we met. We both have terrible fear of being abandoned (she told me she is afraid that I disappear). I think by acting how we act we make sure that this trauma keeps repeating itself. And this is the reason why I believe that in a perfect world we would share the responsibility of our failed relationship. It is unfortunate for her that she did not want to do that.  I hope that in some day she understands her own part in our failed relationship and gets free from this own relationship patterns and find somebody who truly loves her in a way she deserve to be loved.

    #204863
    Mika
    Participant

    Well, I guess there is nothing I can do to repair the damage I have caused. I know she will never, ever forgive me. All I can do is to hope that she will be very happy in her life and pray for her. So sad. We were so good to each other before things got messy.

    #204851
    Mika
    Participant

    Actually I agree with you 100%. She said to me once that she is not like the other women II have met. And now I understand what she ment. I think its me who was abusive, narsistic, selfish punk. How was I so blind? I feel so ashamed now that I could just crawl in the hole where nobody finds me…

    #204843
    Mika
    Participant

    No,Thank you again Anita. I think you are right, and I have to take responsibility of that. So do you think it is true that this is all my fault? Or do you think this was an encounter of two broken people? Im asking this because those feelings of being invisible, unheard and unknown apply to me as well. Maybe the old saying “water seeks its own level” is true.

    #204765
    Mika
    Participant

    All I wanted that we could help each other to be happy. That we would support each other. And now, I feel betrayed. Maybe she was seeking revenge. If that´s the case, she got what she wanted.

    #204757
    Mika
    Participant

    Thank you Anita for your answer. I guess the answer is yes, but only after I gave in. She never agreed to go to therapy. She told me she was not ready. That she needs her pain.  She never, ever gave me any credit when we disagreed about something. When she was sad, I was doing my best to understand what she was thinking and feeling. When I was feeling sad, it was just about me being demanding, complaining or negative. She never said she is sorry (like she ment it). Not a single time. It was always 100% my fault. And she really knew what to say to make me feel really bad about myself. And I think she chose her words to do exactly that. It was like I became her enemy or something, like a burden. And now she says that I am selfish and only care about myself. Seriously? Now, when I write this I can almost hear her voice in my head saying things like: “Now you are crying about your stuff in internet forum. PATHETIC!” “Stop lying!” “This is not what happened!” “I was acting like I was because you were so selfish!” “You were not good enough!”

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Mika.
Viewing 13 posts - 1 through 13 (of 13 total)