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Thank you 🙏🏼
Mima is a nickname so I just use that online.
Yes, you’re right but I am healing because if yesterday had been 4-5 years ago I’d have told my mum how much she has hurt me and my son but I didn’t. For a second it took me back to those old wounds but then I was fine. She can’t change and I accept that. It doesn’t make me cry anymore. It’s a split second memory of her ways, and I then let it go because I don’t give them that space to hurt me now.
She rarely sees my children and I’ve given them the choice to see her or not see her. My Nan was important to me so I never wanted my children to resent me so I left it totally up to them. She’s showed how little they mean as she never calls them, she is heavily involved in all her other grandchildren lives (daily basis) and mine rarely get thought of. There’s been times my middle son has refused to meet her when we had a coffee shop date arranged, I never force him. She has all their numbers but never calls them. So I don’t force it but I’ve never stopped it either, other than in my home, it has to be neutral meeting place with their dad present. Like I say it’s rare, very rare. It’s basically what she once called my Dads mum, a duty grandmother. Just visits on a birthday, that’s what she has become herself. Height of hypocrisy.
Ps – you’re absolutely correct in what you’ve said. I’d say I’ve cut ties 90% and yes to heal I do need to cut 100% but I am proud of how much I’ve overcome so far and that since has helped. Now any contact is just if she asks how my children are, she asks how I am but I don’t open up and tell her how much I still struggle with the CFS/ME because she left me high and dry when my physical health issues began. I don’t need that rejection again.
She’s still never ever apologised for what she did but she isn’t the type to say sorry. On my 40th last year s messaged me and said she missed me and she hopes one days again we can see eachother but that’s all she said. Apparently she cited all day according to my step dad. She is full of regret but my mum can’t say sorry as she’s scared of having it thrown back in her face so that’s why my mum never apologises even when she realises she was wrong, and that’s why she has so many damaged relationships. I do get sad, she’s my mum and I of course think she’s 67 now I hope I don’t regret my decision to not see her again but I then remind myself how much she hurt and abandoned me after her son assaulted me. She allowed my sister to force her to turn against me and cut me off. The sad thing is my sister still very much controls my mums every movement according to my stepdad so that is another reason I would never ever go back. They seem to come as a package and things could never repair with my mother because my sister is her right arm. I accept that and I’ve moved on with no parents and I’m ok with that. I’ve always had to be my own parent anyway. I’m healing slowly 😊
Thank you Anita.
I see what you mean. I only have contact with my mum if she ever contacts me to ask how the children are. This is usually only on birthdays or special occasions. Other than that there is very very little communication. I haven’t seen my mum in person for 4 years, when she has tried to see my children they’ve met on neutral territory with my husband. So she got in touch yesterday purely because of my sons results. So I will be pleasant when she contacts me at those times. Yes, yesterday opened up old wounds of the way she treated me because she treats my children with a similar behaviour at times. My reaction to it now though is completely different to the reaction I used to get years ago when I would cry and beg her to be a mum, beg her to be a grandmother, etc. I now would never dream of letting her get to me like that. So although there is a little bit of communication between us it is rare, and only ever civil on my part and for the sake of my children. They have very little to do with my mum, she rarely asks to see them and that is of her own making.
In regards to my siblings, they have absolutely zero contact with my children and that won’t change. My younger sister is now a drug addict and she almost lost her children. My stepfather saw my son just before Christmas last year and he said to him your mum did the right thing walking away and she is doing the right things and never come back. He told my son that he now was on antidepressants because of how ill that family have made him. He told my son that my younger sister is now a drug addict and her children are suffering from anxiety as a result from what they’ve seen, my brother is still on stable and my sister the toxic violent one she has threatened my stepdad and he said it’s made him extremely unwell with depression and anxiety. He said I can now see that your mum was the only nice normal one and she’s done the right thing. My stepfather saw my son just before Christmas last year and he said to him ‘your mum did the right thing walking away and she is doing the right thing to never come back’. He told my son that he now on antidepressants because of how ill that family have made him. He told my son that my younger sister is now a drug addict and her children are suffering from anxiety as a result from what they’ve seen, my brother is still unstable and my sister (the toxic violent one) she has threatened my stepdad and he said it’s made him extremely unwell with depression and anxiety. He said ‘I can now see that your mum was the only nice normal one and she’s done the right thing’. I hope he one day finds the strength to leave that family, my mum has made him so depressed it’s sad.
My son turned 18 recently and my sister got in touch with him and said ‘you’re 18 now you don’t need to ask your mum and dads permission come round for a drink at ours’. My son immediately shut her down and said ‘no thank you, when I do start going out for a drink it’ll be with my friends’. She’s left him alone since but we knew she would do that when he turned 18.
So although I will be civil whenmy mum does contact on special occasions for my children, I am proud of the progress I have made and how much I have grown as a person because I no longer feel like I need those people and I absolutely can live without them. I have proved to myself that I’ve got everything I need in my own little family.
I absolutely love that. Thank you. I also read Lily mean rebirth. How lovely is that.
You’ve made me smile. Thank you 😊
Thank you Anita for your reply.
Because I’m an idiot haha. No, because it’s still part of me I guess and I don’t want to lose all of my old indenting completely. My Nan called me Julie, and other good people in my life. I won’t be using my middle names other than for official documents either but I’d like to keep them as little Julie was a happy girl at times and I was Julie when I married my husband and had my babies. So not all is had attached to it but I want a new name for this fresh start in my life.
I like Luna-Lily to mark my new spiritual life and health recovery and my grandmother. Bad things did happen as Julie, a lot of bad so I’m hoping as Luna I can start to rebuild myself as a new person. I’ve read it’s helped so many with ptsd.
I do still respect my parents gave me the name, but that’s just me I’m told I’m far too nice. I show respect despite my mother and fathers actions. Yesterday my son got his GCSE exam results. My mum didn’t even show up with a card or small gesture like she did for my older son 2 years ago, and for her other grandson (sisters son) . She has always let my middle son down and yesterday for a while I let it hurt me but then when she sent a message of congratulating him I thanked her politely and didn’t express how hurt my son and I were at how differently she treats him. She said ‘I’ll see him after this Covid business’. It didn’t stop her racing here on my eldest sons 18th in June to stand outside to see him haha. She made very little effort before Covid so I don’t expect much after. My son and I showed respect and thanked her for her text message and left it at that. Maybe that’s just growth but yes I am too nice and I’ve grown past anger.
I can relate. I’ve had the same emotions since turning 40, as I lost all my 30s to trauma.
Id love to be 33 again. Embrace every single day and enjoy your 30s the best you can is my advice. Growing old is a privilege as they say. You’re still so young.
Thank you Anita, that’s the best explanation I’ve ever received. I knew it was likened to a tiger in the room constantly but the way you explained it was so easy to understand.
Yes I worry all the time incase I end up diabetic or something bad from years of stress but especially how bad I was in 2018. That was a year of severe panic attacks daily. It went away but I always worry did that year cause damage. Hopefully not anything serious. My anxiety makes me worry about my health.
I wish I knew how to work on the chronic stress response I’m stuck in and how to get out of the anxiety for good. Even though it’s much better I’m still stuck and not loving any further forward. I’ve tried therapy but all they do is make me discuss past trauma which causes more fight or flight and panic. I’ve been there done that 7 years ago and it helped then. This is why I want the spiritual side of me back to help me with the chronic stress and anxiety I’ve been stuck in for the last couple of years.
Thank you again.
Thank you so much for that.
I completely agree. I think the PTSD and all that stress I had with my extended family after my brother assaulted me led to my body breaking down and my doctor agrees. My body even now feels it’s stuck in a stress response even though I’m not panicking anymore etc but I never feel relaxed, I always feel tense and worried. I’m not in the fight or flight panic every day anymore but ever since that assault and the stress my family inflicted on me I’ve felt stuck in a stress response and my tests showed my cortisol was high. I wish I could reverse that because it feels like I’m stuck in it.
I always feel tense and uptight, I worry about everyone and life feels hard. I feel different to others because the last 2 years I’ve become agoraphobic again and very socially anxious to the point I can’t open the door to the postman as I get a rush of bad panic socialising with anyone. Ok my health has led to me being stuck at home but I believe the stress has led to it all and because I’ve been so hurt by people I’ve become a recluse. I subconsciously I think see the world and people as a threat, I have that hur I think I do because the last 2 years I’ve withdrawn from people and stay home. My health has limited that as I struggle to be active for long but I believe the mental side plays a huge role.
I am happy at home and love my life but I hate I’m not normal or like I used to be. I can’t attend doctors appointments etc I see others I follow on social media going to get their hair and nails done, going to their appointments and I really can’t. This is hard to admit as I fear someone will judge me and think i sound like a complete freak. It just feels like since my friend cut me off I broke inside and suddenly I’d have severe panic attacks having visitors in my house or someone knocking the door. I had social anxiety and agoraphobia shortly after the assault in 2012 but with therapy and exposure work it for better and I was back doing everything. My doctor supports me via the phone and she is brilliant. I’m just so ashamed that at 40 I’m like this. I tell myself daily I’m a terrible mother and wife. When I became so unwell with the panic attacks and CFS 2 year’s ago my husband took over the house, he did my role of cooking and cleaning because I was bed ridden so unwell. We now share evening 50/50 which is a huge success for me but at times I do even more and he does less, it all depends on what my body allows me to do energy wise. I still feel a let down to my family. I stayed strong for so long after the assault doing trips out etc and now I can’t I feel I’m ruining their childhood having a mum with such fatigue issues and they don’t know about my anxiety but I just feel I’ve let them down. Their dad takes them everywhere and they don’t miss out but I’m not with them so I best myself up when they go places. I worry how I accept them mentally but they assure me they’re fine and having a great childhood.
M children also lost my mum, my siblings and their children, I always worded my children have missed out on grandparents and cousins etc and blame myself but I couldn’t any longer have mentally and physically absusive people in my life. My children really can’t stand my family. They witnessed my brother attack their father the year before he attacked me. My eldest ended up with anxiety and would cry every day sag on the windowsill worries why his dad was late home from work. He would beg me to call him to check where he was etc it was hard. My mum used to visits still at this point and she would be shocked how anxious my son was but even she reluctantly agreed it was because my brother had hurt his dad. He ended up needing therapy and it worked wonders and he’s the least anxious person I know since we cut out my family. I know I did right fk protect my children from the childhood I had.
My step dad saw my son recently and he said to him ‘now I understand why your mum won’t return to the family. I didn’t know anxiety and depression until I married into this family and now I’m on anti depressants. They’re all still violent and one is now a drug addict. Your mum needs to stay away. She is the only nice normal one’. That meant the world to me as he had never said anything like that when I was in the family.
I knit but haven’t in ages as I just can’t bring myself to do anything. It’s like I have zero I’m oh anymore. I know I need to push myself. Get off my phone, get out of my head and force myself to fake it to make it.
Thank you for your kind advice.
Thank you Anita,
You’re right, I shall definitely do that and stop pressuring myself. I’m doing other things right now, trying to keep my family safe and happy. I’m doing enough.
I don’t tell my son I’m worried or anxious about him, but I know what you mean. I do ask him how he is about 1000 times a day. I just annoy him. I just ask it in passing but he will know I’m concerned. I voice it to y husband or it goes around my head all day my worries.
Thank you for welcoming me back.
I totally agree because my childhood has impacted me so much and I can’t remember any good memories because the bad are so powerful. I gave my children the best memories up until a few years ago because of course my brother attacked me and I had abuse from my extended family and that impacted my health mentally and physically. I’ve still continued to give my children good memories to the best of my ability, by showing them love, showing them bravery, they never go without anything, we have a nice home, we’ve taken on holidays and since my health deteriorated the last 12 months my husband has continued to take them to the cinema or meals out. They still get happy memories and our home it is a very happy home despite health issues that I have.
The most important thing is to give your children love and a safe home environment which something I lacked growing up and I’m just so glad I can give that to my children.
Thank you Peter. Off to Amazon to take a look.
Thank you Anita.
Lovely idea and recently I actually printed off alot of old photos for memories and bought a photo board to hang on my bedroom wall. On a better energy day I shall start pinning them. It may help me and nice for them to see. They say they remember everything but of course I worry they will forget.
I had a tough childhood and my mekroeis are not good at all. I just wanted better for my children. I know I’ve removed myself from my extended family to protect my children so of course they won’t suffer like I have. They are surrounded by love, a warm home, nice food and clothes. They have a very good life. I know that means everything. It’s everything u never had so at least I’ve given my children all of that. Being ill these last few years hasn’t stopped that but if course I worry its impacted them seeing me struggle with chronic fatigue issues and their dad having to do a lot more for them. They say they love me and are happy so u have to trust in that.
Having chronic fatigue syndrome. I have to refrain from exercise or it causes bad crashes but I get up every day before them, I wash, dress etc.. And they see that. I do gte up to do things upstairs every morning and potter about. They’re aware I’m now making their beds and cleaning the bathroom each day, all that I couldn’t do a while ago but they tell me off for over doing it haha. I’m going to restart some gentle yoga exercises on my bed each night but being mindful of my body.
Thank you for your reply.
Thank you Peter. That also sounds a good read.. Thank you for sharing that with me.
Thank you so much Anita, Peter and Asher.
All of your replies brought me comfort.
Asher thank you for sharing your experiences and suggestions. I shall definitely be taking them on board.. Thank you for your kind words too. This is the thing, I love my life despite the trauma and ill health, yet at the same time find life so hard. My family are my world and I just want to feel better to make memories with them. I fear they won’t remember all the things I did with them before the last few years. They are all teenagers now and I’m scared that they won’t remember the younger years when I took my holidays etc. They aren’t short of love at all they know I adore them but I just feel so guilty that life is passing by so fast and yet we can’t do family things together because of me and before we know it they will move out and I’ve missed all that precious time. I think that’s why I think about death so much because I just feel life is passing so fast and I’m always thinking so morbid, but I know it’s probably just situational, I’m just sat resting every day and just looking at the walls I guess so the mind will think negatively. If I was out living life and on autopilot as a housewife then I wouldn’t have time for these thoughts probably.
Thank you all aaginagain. It took a lot for me to post so I appreciate your replies.