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I’m changing my name

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  • #365177
    Mima37
    Participant

    I’ve been considering for a while changing my name. I turned 40 last September and thought about it then but put it off. It’s not that I don’t like my name Julie Elizabeth but for me it holds a lot of bad memories.

    I came from a very abusive toxic family and after my brother assaulted me 8 years ago my mother and sisters cut me out as I refused to forgive him. It led to a breakdown, ptsd, anxiety and then health issues physically. My mum refused to be there for me so 4 years ago I decided to stop chasing her and decided I didn’t want them in my life. I was honest for the first  time and said I had to put myself first and recover fully. I had therapy and realised I’d had a lifetime of trauma at the hands of that family. I had to do what was right for me and to stop forgiving abuse after abuse.

    I was also sexually assaulted 12 years ago by a pub landlord on a night out with friends. I was happily married, had never cheated on my husband. This man spiked my drinks with double vodkas I later found out and I somehow ended upstairs in his pub where he had sex with me, I have zero memory of it. This also led to me suffering anxiety, my mother and sisters didn’t support me, they said I was drunk so asked for it and I was a cheat and a w***e. I had therapy and I was told I was raped and my therapist was disgusted my family convinced me I was a cheat on my husband so I buried it, blamed myself and never reported it.

    Anyway, I have a lot of bad memories and I’m now finally on a healing journey. I have CFS/ME and PTSD but I’m free of my ex family and their abuse. I’m now taking as long as I need to heal. It makes take years but I’m ok with that. I’ve a wonderful husband of 19 years and 3 beautiful teenage children. I’ve got everything I need, I’m so blessed. I’m safe and loved.

    To start this journey I wanted to change my name, out of respect I’ll keep Julie Elizabeth as middle names (respect for my parents) but I wanted to honour my grandmother. I lost her 3 months before my brother assaulted me and I’m still grieving her as she was my safe haven as a child when things at home were stressful, my best friend and like a Mum to me. She’s everything I hope to be. She was called Lilian. Before she passed the nurse wrote Lily on a board above her bed and my Nan told me she loved being called Lily, and hadn’t been called if since she was a child. I love the moon and the name Luna just feels perfect for me, so I’m changing my name to Luna-Lily. I wasn’t sure what others would think and if it sounded stupid. I know it’s a mouthful with the Julie Elizabeth too but they won’t really be used as they’re middle names.

    What do you think of my new name? I applied yesterday so I still have time to make any changes. I went double barrel because I didn’t want 3 middle names and Luna-Lily I think sounds pretty. It may be too young for a 40 year old woman but I’ve lost a decade of my life to trauma and I still feel so young inside.

     

    #365205
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Luna-Lily:

    Personally, I am fine with your new name: Luna because you love the moon, and Lily because your Nan loved to be called Lily.

    Your Nan was your “safe haven as a child” and you want to honor her. On the other hand you want to respect your parents as well: “out of respect I’ll keep Julie Elizabeth as middle names (respect for my parents)”-

    – I understand why you want to respect and honor a person who was your safe haven. I don’t understand why you respect your parents whose legacy in your life has been a “lifetime of trauma” (?)

    anita

    #365239
    Mima37
    Participant

    Thank you Anita for your reply.

    Because I’m an idiot haha. No, because it’s still part of me I guess and I don’t want to lose all of my old indenting completely. My Nan called me Julie, and other good people in my life. I won’t be using my middle names other than for official documents either but I’d like to keep them as little Julie was a happy girl at times and I was Julie when I married my husband and had my babies. So not all is had attached to it but I want a new name for this fresh start in my life.

    I like Luna-Lily to mark my new spiritual life and health recovery and my grandmother. Bad things did happen as Julie, a lot of bad so I’m hoping as Luna I can start to rebuild myself as a new person. I’ve read it’s helped so many with ptsd.

     

    I do still respect my parents gave me the name, but that’s just me I’m told I’m far too nice. I show respect despite my mother and fathers actions. Yesterday my son got his GCSE  exam results. My mum didn’t even show up with a card or small gesture like she did for my older son 2 years ago, and for her other grandson (sisters son) . She has always let my middle son down and yesterday for a while I let it hurt me but then when she sent a message of congratulating him I thanked her politely and didn’t express how hurt my son and I were at how differently she treats him. She said ‘I’ll see him after this Covid business’. It didn’t stop her racing here on my eldest sons 18th in June to stand outside to see him haha.  She made very little effort before Covid so I don’t expect much after. My son and I showed respect and thanked her for her text message and left it at that. Maybe that’s just growth but yes I am too nice and I’ve grown past anger.

    #365241
    norit
    Participant

    Luna-Lily; a survivor, a fighter, healing. I love it. I don’t think it’s too young for a 40 year (young) woman – plus I’m a firm believer forty is the new thirty. 🙂

    Names can be an important part of our identity , and I hope your new name helps you.

    #365243
    Mima37
    Participant

    Norit,

    I absolutely love that. Thank you. I also read Lily mean rebirth. How lovely is that.

    You’ve made me smile. Thank you 😊

    #365245
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Mima 37/ Luna-Lily:

    You are welcome. You wrote yesterday: “I have CFS/ME and PTSD but I’m free of my ex family and their abuse. I’m now taking as long as I need to heal…My mum refused to be there for me so 4 years ago I decided to stop chasing her and decided I didn’t want them in my life.. I had to put myself first and recover fully”-

    – You referred to your original family, which includes your mother, as “ex family”, and you wrote that you are “free of (your) ex family”- so I thought that you have been in no contact with your mother and the rest of your original family for the last 4 years.

    When I read this today: “Yesterday my son got his .. exam results. My mum didn’t even show up with a card or small gesture.. it hurt me”-

    – I can see why you are not healing and recovering as much as is possible for you: you are still in contact with your mother and that contact makes the Trauma and Stress in your PTSD, not Post but current. It would be more accurate to call it CTSD, as in Current Traumatic Stress Disorder: as far as I know, you can’t heal from trauma when you keep contact with a significant source of the trauma, a contact that maintains the old hurt, which happened only yesterday, and is likely to happen again. And again.

    anita

    #365247
    Mima37
    Participant

    Thank you Anita.

    I see what you mean. I only have contact with my mum if she ever contacts me to ask how the children are. This is usually only on birthdays or special occasions. Other than that there is very very little communication. I haven’t seen my mum in person for 4 years, when she has tried to see my children they’ve met on neutral territory with my husband. So she got in touch yesterday purely because of my sons results. So I will be pleasant when she contacts me at those times. Yes, yesterday opened up old wounds of the way she treated me because she treats my children with a similar behaviour at times. My reaction to it now though is completely different to the reaction I used to get years ago when I would cry and beg her to be a mum, beg her  to be a grandmother, etc. I now would never dream of letting her get to me like that. So although there is a little bit of communication between us it is rare, and only ever civil on my part and for the sake of my children. They have very little to do with my mum, she rarely asks to see them and that is of her own making.

    In regards to my siblings, they have absolutely zero contact with my children and that won’t change. My younger sister is now a drug addict and she almost lost her children. My stepfather saw my son just before Christmas last year and he said to him your mum did the right thing walking away and she is doing the right things and never come back. He told my son that he now was on antidepressants because of how ill that family have made him. He told my son that my younger sister is now a drug addict and her children are suffering from anxiety as a result from what they’ve seen, my brother is still on stable and my sister the toxic violent one she has threatened my stepdad and he said it’s made him extremely unwell with depression and anxiety. He said I can now see that your mum was the only nice normal one and she’s done the right thing. My stepfather saw my son just before Christmas last year and he said to him ‘your mum did the right thing walking away and she is doing the right thing to never come back’. He told my son that he now on antidepressants because of how ill that family have made him. He told my son that my younger sister is now a drug addict and her children are suffering from anxiety as a result from what they’ve seen, my brother is still unstable and my sister (the toxic violent one) she has threatened my stepdad and he said it’s made him extremely unwell with depression and anxiety. He said ‘I can now see that your mum was the only nice normal one and she’s done the right thing’. I hope he one day finds the strength to leave that family, my mum has made him so depressed it’s sad.

    My son turned 18 recently and my sister got in touch with him and said ‘you’re 18 now you don’t need to ask your mum and dads permission come round for a drink at ours’.  My son immediately shut her  down and said ‘no thank you, when I do start going out for a drink it’ll be with my friends’. She’s left him alone since but we knew she would do that when he turned 18.

     

    So although I will be civil whenmy mum does contact on special occasions for my children, I am proud of the progress I have made and how much I have grown as a person because I no longer feel like I need those people and I absolutely can live without them. I have proved to myself that I’ve got everything I need in my own little family.

    #365248
    Mima37
    Participant

    Ps – you’re absolutely correct in what you’ve said. I’d say I’ve cut ties 90% and yes to heal I do need to cut 100% but I am proud of how much I’ve overcome so far and that since has helped. Now any contact is just if she asks how my children are, she asks how I am but I don’t open up and tell her how much I still struggle with the CFS/ME because she left me high and dry when my physical health issues began. I don’t need that rejection again.

    She’s still never ever apologised for what she did but she isn’t the type to say sorry. On my 40th last year s messaged me and said she missed me and she hopes one days again we can see eachother but that’s all she said. Apparently she cited all day according to my step dad. She is full of regret but my mum can’t say sorry as she’s scared of having it thrown back in her face so that’s why my mum never apologises even when she realises she was wrong, and that’s why she has so many damaged relationships. I do get sad, she’s my mum and I of course think she’s 67 now I hope I don’t regret my decision to not see her again but I then remind myself how much she hurt and abandoned me after her son assaulted me. She allowed my sister to force her to turn against me and cut me off. The sad thing is my sister still very much controls my mums every movement according to my stepdad so that is another reason I would never ever go back. They seem to come as a package and things could never repair with my mother because my sister is her right arm. I accept that and I’ve moved on with no parents and I’m ok with that. I’ve always had to be my own parent anyway. I’m healing slowly 😊

    #365254
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Mima37:

    What name would you like me to use when I address you?

    “yesterday opened up old wounds.. I’m healing slowly”- seems to me that the opening of old wounds and healing are contradictory terms.

    I don’t see the advantage for your children in having any contact with your mother, and I  don’t see the advantage to you. It is your choice of course. (Even if you did cut all contact with your mother, healing would still be slow).

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by anita.
    • This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by anita.
    #365257
    Mima37
    Participant

    Mima is a nickname so I just use that online.

    Yes, you’re right but I am healing because if yesterday had been 4-5 years ago I’d have told my mum how much she has hurt me and my son but I didn’t. For a second it took me back to those old wounds but then I was fine. She can’t change and I accept that. It doesn’t make me cry anymore. It’s a split second memory of her ways, and I then let it go because I don’t give them that space to hurt me now.

    She rarely sees my children and I’ve given them the choice to see her or not see her. My Nan was important to me so I never wanted my children to resent me so I left it totally up to them. She’s showed how little they mean as she never calls them, she is heavily involved in all her other grandchildren lives (daily basis) and mine rarely get thought of. There’s been times my middle son has refused to meet her when we had a coffee shop date arranged, I never force him. She has all their numbers but never calls them. So I don’t force it but I’ve never stopped it either, other than in my home, it has to be neutral meeting place with their dad present. Like I say it’s rare, very rare. It’s basically what she once called my Dads mum, a duty grandmother. Just visits on a birthday, that’s what she has become herself. Height of hypocrisy.

    #365260
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Mima37:

    “I am healing”- good to read. I wish you to continue to heal.

    anita

    #365265
    Mima37
    Participant

    Thank you 🙏🏼

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