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Misanthrope

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  • #213807
    Misanthrope
    Participant

    @ Brandy – It’s a debatable thing most certainly. I’ve two extended family members who’s mother (my aunt) killed herself in the home, and the two family members found her. Both were under the age of 10. Did a number on them for sure. Today? They’re two of the most well-adjusted adults I’ve known. I think it’s case specific. Others very much do not.

    @ Anita – Fair enough. I’ll refrain from displaying any more of my ‘tantrum’ on your forum.

    #213693
    Misanthrope
    Participant

    The joys of being heavily resistant to drugs and alcohol I guess. I don’t get hangovers or any of that.

    Family and friends are mostly gone for a myriad of reasons. Parents preferred being a junkie and alcoholic respectively when given an ultimatum. Friends leaving are a wealth of reasons also that have been given to me, ranging from “I’m jealous you’re engaged.” to “My new found girlfriend doesn’t like you anymore so…” to simple distance. Paraphrasing of course.

    As for the dream job thing, I was interviewed three separate times. I met all needed criteria. I know how I came across. It wasn’t for anything lacking mentally that I wasn’t accepted, or something intangible like that. It is my age. Nothing more.

    Therapy is not for me. I’ve shot down 3 different therapists, each with many years experience. I’ve no desire to hear anymore therapy ‘help’.

    Again, I’m tired. I’m weary. I simply lack the ability to pull myself out of the current spiral that’s been going on for as long as I can remember, and that’s ok. I’ve followed the advice of many (including my own thoughts to get out of my rut of a life) and its been found wanting. One can only hear “No” so many times before it just takes it’s toll, similar to water erosion.

    I’m supposed to stay in a job I’ve no desire for, regardless of the mass efforts to get out of it. To do something my child can admire or look up to.

    I’m supposed to stay in a marriage that’s like plain white oatmeal, regardless of doing everything under the sun to remedy the complacency of my spoue, to no avail.

    I’m supposed to have a mindset that’s as I have now, regardless of the months of time poured into making things brighter, given the cacophony of advice I’ve followed to the letter.

    Reality is some just don’t pull out of a tailspin, and that’s alright . We’re only Human. You either live with where you’re at, or if there’s just no visible escape with no going on, exit quietly. Beyond the obvious ripples left in your wake (couple people being upset), one can be reasonably sure things would only improve for those you leave, given the person that left.

    Makes 100% complete sense to me.

     
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    #213677
    Misanthrope
    Participant

    There’s not really anything else to say about it. Honest. I was after an answer, and the one I derived from the forum was given. All I was after.

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by Misanthrope.
    #213635
    Misanthrope
    Participant

    I’m not writing a book! I’d never write a book. A book on what? How to be a Misanthropic Dysthymiaprone Failure at Forty? Enough with the book.

    The only quick dismissal I’ve made dismissals to are my own points. Why would I dive headfirst into an irrelevant explanation of something, if everything I have to say about it, doesn’t matter at all?

    I was on the hunt for someone to counter my original thought of ‘Some are happy. Some are not. Some fluctuate,  some stay in one or the other permanently based on their environment.’ It’s not happening, which is fine, as I’ve managed to counter the points of multiple therapists. Can let the thread here die out, and no worries.

     

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by Misanthrope.
    #213539
    Misanthrope
    Participant

    I think I’m pretty awful, most certainly. For a myriad of reasons that are too dull hammer out on here.

    My wife thinks quite differently. She’s of the mindset I’m some jewel in the rough type of thing. I think she’s deluded with good reason. If all you’ve known for your entire life is dirty puddle water to drink, you’re going to think dirty puddle water is great. The best. Little do you know, there are far better liquids out there. A horribly analogy, but it fits the point I’m trying to make.

    It’d be a book with a single reader, I assure you. Write. Good god, I can think of no duller a writer. Imagine the blatheringly aimless paragraphs. Doctors could hand it out in Hospice care as a quick end for the terminally ill. “Here you go Ma’am. Give this a read, you’ll be cold by the time you finish page 1.”

    Because of my age. I found out too late in life that’s what I wanted to do. Add in a couple other things to reaffirm my thoughts, such as having to ‘prove’ you’re over 18. Another rather salient point is the following I’ll try to be concise with. During midterm exams for the pre-req medical course you have to take pre-emt, I passed the actual EMT class on the way to write the midterm. It was break for the class, so many were congregating outside the classroom. Beyond the barstar girlie pop that came literally bouncing out of the classroom like a Bunny holding her phone in front of her face, do you know what else I noticed about the entire class make up? Each and every single student was under 25, was slim and trim, and ready to be both on instagram as a model, and prepped and ready to check their twitter. In short, not a 40 year old, 6’4, 220lb Dad. Regardless if most EMT’s have a shelf life of 4-6 years on the job.

    I apologize for the diatribe above, but in fairness, you did ask.

    As for Reeve, Williams, Spade, Bourdain, Bennington, and Cornell? Not a single person would say ‘They had a tough life. Certainly not charmed.’ Death is seldom pretty.

    #213417
    Misanthrope
    Participant

    I think the charmed/cursed point is leading us into the minutiae of things. Charmed/cursed is really just about simple probability.

    Some have it. Some don’t. Some follow a path, and receive the boon at the end. Some follow the same path, make the same moves, and receive nothing at the end of that same path but a let down.

    In the case of my spouse? She went to post-secondary schooling, graduated in the top 5% of her class, got her degree, and set sail on her chosen career to greener pastures. I went to post-secondary schooling, graduated in the top 5% of my class, got my certificate, and was promptly told ‘No’* after not one interview, not two, but three interviews for a position in the next leg up in the process to enter the career of my choice. I make peace with that, and attempt a second career of interest, and am told ‘No’* after not one interview, but an additional one as well.

    Change my job? I’d be happy to. I’ve thrown out no less than 4 dozen resumes over the past 2 years. You’d be right in presuming how that went.

    Notice a trend yet?

    The above, as mentioned with minutiae, is largely irrelevant.

    It all bleeds into ones self-outlook. Which is an entirely other long, blathering, babblefish issue that can be summed up as ‘The only answer to the equation is that you’re an awful Human Being.’ based upon both current and past events.

    * – I’m paraphrasing ‘No.’ with any number of things. The ‘Thanks but no thanks’ emails refusals from potential employers, the ‘Thanks but no thanks’ emails from post-secondary education institutions. Etc.

    #213387
    Misanthrope
    Participant

    @ Brandy. Hello. I was reasonably close to becoming an EMT. But, due to my age, I didn’t get passed the interview. Three different times. As for my writing prowess, I’ll have to disagree. It’s the same level as one of those drunk bar stars with a skull fracture while having a fight with a muskrat. My spouse is the talented writer. I’m honestly surprised I can manage this keyboard.

    @ Anita.

    1. I agree. She deserves far better, as I’ve previously mentioned.

    2. I agree once again. I’ve yet to say ‘Someone said no to me.’ Who in their right mind would say ‘I’m depressed because a person said no to me!’. That’s vapid and asinine to the core of ones being.

    Some lead a charmed life. Some lead a cursed life. Some lead a life somewhere between the two, to varying degrees. And some after that, are self-aware enough to notice.

     

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by Misanthrope.
    • This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by Misanthrope.
    #213281
    Misanthrope
    Participant

    Given a life, existentially speaking. You’re born, therefore, you’re ‘given’ life.

    ‘Who’s saying that without actual words being said?’. I am. I have. It’s how things are for some. For others, they work hard and it pays off. For some, they work hard, make the right moves, and it never pays off.

    Life in general, for some, is banal/trivial/dull. Regardless of what they do to make it not so, it stays so.

    #213265
    Misanthrope
    Participant

    Not that it matters, but I’ve heard the ‘robot’ comparison more than once in the past.

    If I’m suffering, I don’t notice it. There are many that are far worse off than myself. I’m just unwilling to settle for a dull, unfulfilling life. I don’t want that.

    I’ve reached a minor milestone (40) and are cognisant of a few things given my age. Of those few things, nearly all of them are pointing toward another 25-30 years of boredom, ineptitude, failure, inadequacy, regret, disappointment, and a complete lack of meaning in ones day to day.

    In short, a banal and trivial existence, devoid of meaning.

    You receive ‘advice’ on how to change the above. You follow through with said advice, and marvel at how everything remains exactly the same as when you started.

    You’re correct in saying ‘close, but not there’. Essentially setting the groundwork. Confirming things would be ok, and if anything improve without one there. Sure, there’s a couple of instances where things may be a little worse off, but overall? Improvement.

    I’ve been given a life, and all has pointed to being told “No matter how hard you work, no matter if you do the right thing to get from A to B, it’s not happening. Ever.” without actual words being said. So I can settle for what I’ve been given, or simply return the ‘No’ I’ve been told for decades.

    I’d much prefer the latter.

    As for yourself, wanting to share your own experience? Feel free. It’s an open forum. Sharing your own ‘lying down in bed’ story is entirely up to you.

    The entire point I’d made of this thread, to be redundant, was just to confirm that it’s indeed normal to just never be happy or content.

     

    #213215
    Misanthrope
    Participant

    I’ve come to grips with it. I’m a naturally unhappy person. Add in that there is no meaningful career, there’s no future beyond my current job, that I feel I do nothing useful as a father beyond the normal baseline (my spouse, I’m sure, would vehemently disagree), that there is no ‘fixing things for myself, and that I’m just damaged and broken having been tossed aside by both friends, family, and loved ones too often.

    You realize that life isn’t going to be a happy thing, as the number of times you’ve been happy in 40 years, you can count on two hands. You go through the ‘have you tried this?’ stuff people from spouses, to doctors, to therapists, to friends, to family, and just get the point that it’s not for you.

    I’m honestly of the mindset that the above is true. There’s no ‘someone somehow convince me otherwise’. I.E. My spouse just asked me if I was ‘ok’ and I said ‘No.’ and she asked if there was anything she could do. I said ‘No.’ and she said ‘Let me know if there’s something I can do.’ and that was that. That’s normal. Happens 2-3 times every 3-4 days. It’s routine.

    So you research. You research really bad things. Things that would make your spouse freak the fuck out. But to you? To you it’s perfectly normal and rational to know that it takes 400mg of Morphine to end your life. It’s absolutely par for the course to know where to obtain Morphine via the internet, and know of a chemist that can check if the Morphine is actually Morphine. OH MY GOD! RED LIGHT! ALERT! ALERT! No. It’s not. To me, it’s a good thing to know. It’s useful, relevant information.

    Simply because you honestly think, in your heart of hearts, your spouse and child deserve so much better than what they wound up with.

    I assure you, I don’t ‘hope these things are not true’. They’re true. I don’t think I have it in me to stick it out another 1/4 century at a job I hate, with no prospects, told ‘no’ at every turn when you try to change things for the better.

    And ‘ask for help’? Why would I ever do that? So someone can think ‘Wow. This guy is an attention whore.’. I don’t need help. Was just writing down my headspace with the thought process of ‘Yeah. Some aren’t happy. Very rarely. That’s life. That’s normal.

    #213165
    Misanthrope
    Participant

    @ Anita: Through the past handful of years, it’s been made blatantly obvious to me that I’m just not meant to do anything fulfilling, important to me, or generally enjoyable, save raising my child. That’s it. Even then? I feel and think I’m not doing a good job, given I’ve really no redeemable qualities to bestow or pass on to said child. My spouse would disagree I’m sure, but I’m able to poke holes in each and every one of her points, until she gives an annoyed sigh I’ve come to know well, and gives up trying to change my mind. Therefore, I’ve accepted it. I’ve no meaningful career, I’ve no support system beyond said spouse, I’ve no future beyond the useless 9-5 Job I have until I can retire in another 20-25 years. As far as mentality, some are just meant to be depressed and negative the majority of the time, the same as there are those that are happy and positive the majority of the time. I’m obviously the former. My current environment is banal, dull, routine, and akin to plain white oatmeal. Day in, day out. Week in, week out. Month in, month out. Etc. I’ve gone down a plethora of avenues to change things up, and it either doesn’t stick, or is inaccessible to me for one reason or another.

     

    @ Missus: I don’t mind ‘those thoughts’ at this point. They’ve been popping up with increased frequency for a number of years now, and are becoming more frequent. Much the same way as my Dysthymia, AvPD, and MDD have increased. The occasional alcohol is a welcomed reprieve. I see no harm in that. Doesn’t mean I’m a raging alcoholic. No big deal.

    My childhood isn’t an issue. It was garbage, and had a hand in shaping my mentality up to today. So be it. I’m at peace with that, given a lot of what was instilled in me then, is obvious at this point in time.

    As far as the ‘seeing depression’ thing, I don’t buy that. When it’s important? When it’s all on the line, so to speak? I’m the epitome of happy sunshine and friendliness with a good does of honesty. Thing is, it has yet to come to bare fruit. At all. Ever. For something that would be life changing and beneficial to my family, myself, and my overall mentality.

    That’s ok. Again, some aren’t meant to have things work out. No meaningful career, a low flashing light on my ‘happiness gauge’ much like a gas gauge on a car, no friends (as those I’ve had in the past vanished for many a reason), nearly no family beyond those under my roof which amounts to 2 people. Some get it. Some do not. Some have. Some do not. It’s life. It’s reality.

    There’s no ‘fixing things’ for some. They just stay as broken, damaged people, that barely manage to keep a facade on for those they care for. I’m not seeing the issue at this point.

    #212379
    Misanthrope
    Participant

    My child – no idea what’s going on. Thinks life is peaches and cream.

    Wife – aware I’m not doing so good. Only wants me to be happy.

    Most people feel driven toward a particular career that they find interesting. A dream job so to speak. After applying to my dream job for a third time, receiving an interview for a third time, and being denied a third time, I’ve had it. I’m destined to work a shit job I hate, that only adds to my malaise. I didn’t know until i was too old, what I really wanted to do.

    I think the root of things is that some get to be happy, and some don’t. I’m in the latter group, and that’s just how things are in reality.

    #212227
    Misanthrope
    Participant

    She’s aware of how I feel. She’s big on the ‘Medication and Therapy work wonders!’. My child has no idea. She’s aware I’m not doing so great. Just got out of a doctors appointment today where the 3rd round of ssri’s had zero effect on me, so my GP gave me a website to google search for therapists in my city, and sent me on my way. So no more meds! Yay!

    Beyond that, it’s business as usual. I’m miserable when I wake, I’m miserable at work, I’m miserable when I go to bed. I hide it well so my child has no idea, and a good half the time my spouse thinks all is well. No prospects, as I just recently got another ‘closed door’ to a career I felt driven towards, and 3 more ‘Thanks but no thanks’ notices for resumes I put out there.

    That’s that. Nothing more to it but continue dying on the vine.

     

    #211327
    Misanthrope
    Participant

    In a month, my dip is continuing nicely.

    I’m currently on 300mg of Wellbutrin a day, which has done precisely zero. So that’s ssri #3 that’s an all around waste of time. My job is still slowly wearing me down to nothing and beyond. I’ve no prospects, as life in general tells me ‘No’ on a daily basis. Be it tossing out my resume to a few dozen places in recent months, to applying to a secondary school and denied (3 times no less for my career of choice I feel I would be great at, but early 20’s ‘bar stars’ are preferred by what I’ve seen), to my marriage being stagnant as a whole.

    The bright spots are that my child is happy and healthy in every way, and my spouse thinks all is well beyond me being ‘down’ often.

    A recent trip to my GP left me being told I’ve undiagnosed Major Depressive Disorder. When I asked ‘But the clouds lift once in a while, no?’ I was told ‘For some. For others it doesn’t.’

    I’ve a follow up appointment in a couple weeks where I’m going to be told that since 3 different ssri’s did nothing, and the plethora of other ‘depression breaker’ activities haven’t done anything, there’s nothing else my GP can do (his words).

    Thankfully, once this round of meds is done, and i’m fully off them, I can get back to using Alcohol which helps in small bursts, when used responsibly.

    That’s about it.

     

    #207345
    Misanthrope
    Participant

    Correct. I agree. They don’t stay fixed. I see no problem with ‘temporarily’. People take breaks at a job. You can’t not work forever. Doesn’t work that way. Taking a break with X substance? On occasion? Zero issue with that in my eyes.

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