June 13, 2018 at 9:32 pm #212379
My child – no idea what’s going on. Thinks life is peaches and cream.
Wife – aware I’m not doing so good. Only wants me to be happy.
Most people feel driven toward a particular career that they find interesting. A dream job so to speak. After applying to my dream job for a third time, receiving an interview for a third time, and being denied a third time, I’ve had it. I’m destined to work a shit job I hate, that only adds to my malaise. I didn’t know until i was too old, what I really wanted to do.
I think the root of things is that some get to be happy, and some don’t. I’m in the latter group, and that’s just how things are in reality.June 14, 2018 at 3:15 am #212407
You wrote early on that you tried everything, therapy, SSRIs, other things, including applying for your dream job for a third time. Your conclusion is that you are destined to work a job you hate and feel as miserable as you have been feeling.
Do you think there is a way for you to fully accept your current life as it is, that is, to no longer want it to be different-
To.. radically accept it, is one term, to completely give up hoping and wanting to feel better and to have better life circumstances, job and all?
anitaJune 14, 2018 at 1:17 pm #212505missusParticipant
Hello there Misanthrope,
Boy, what a name! It looks like you and Anita have a good conversation going (hope you don’t mind me butting in) and you keep coming back to answer her so you’re not totally hopeless.
I’ll admit; I didn’t read every single line there but long story short from what I gathered: you hate life and you feel you live in a world of ”no”. Yep. Sounds like depression alright. By the way, no one will hire you when you have depression. It just doesn’t work, it sends a vibe or little giveaways you might not have noticed. So forget about this for now. Also, if it’s depression, getting your dream job wouldn’t fix anything. That’s the difference between feeling blue and depressed. If an outside source (happy event, perfect job, miracle inflow of money, etc) can fix the way you feel, than you’re blue. When you’re depressed, even if all your problems were suddenly solved, you’d still feel poorly. But since you’re well acquainted to therapy, I’m guessing you knew that already.
Ok! so…where to start? Therapy didn’t work, meds didn’t work, alcohol is a nice crutch but no more…talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place! I’m afraid it’s survival time. First, those ‘What if I just wasn’t here anymore’ thoughts…it’s crap. Ok? I want you to argue with those thoughts and tell them to go to hell where they belong. Have you had the similar ‘Maybe everyone would be better off if I was gone’ thoughts? They are normal thoughts when you’re depressed, it’s ok to have them, just know that they are liars and not worth considering seriously.
Crappy childhood. Got it. Therapists couldn’t help you (sorry to hear that) but can you do the work without them? Your childhood doesn’t serve you anymore. It’s dead. And what do you do when something is dead? You walk away from it. Are you able to do that? Does something or someone keep you from doing that? Cos that’s what I’d tell you to do: ditch it and everything / everyone that keeps you from moving on.
Now, my message is already way too long so I’ll stop here but I want you to find the survivor in you ok? You already found the alcoholic in you (he’s not gonna help in the long run) and the addict in you couldn’t be bothered showing up (unreliable bastard) so look for the survivor. You need to ditch some dead weight before you can start changing and fixing things in your life. Ok, ok, I’m gone. Good luck!June 19, 2018 at 11:10 am #213165
@ Anita: Through the past handful of years, it’s been made blatantly obvious to me that I’m just not meant to do anything fulfilling, important to me, or generally enjoyable, save raising my child. That’s it. Even then? I feel and think I’m not doing a good job, given I’ve really no redeemable qualities to bestow or pass on to said child. My spouse would disagree I’m sure, but I’m able to poke holes in each and every one of her points, until she gives an annoyed sigh I’ve come to know well, and gives up trying to change my mind. Therefore, I’ve accepted it. I’ve no meaningful career, I’ve no support system beyond said spouse, I’ve no future beyond the useless 9-5 Job I have until I can retire in another 20-25 years. As far as mentality, some are just meant to be depressed and negative the majority of the time, the same as there are those that are happy and positive the majority of the time. I’m obviously the former. My current environment is banal, dull, routine, and akin to plain white oatmeal. Day in, day out. Week in, week out. Month in, month out. Etc. I’ve gone down a plethora of avenues to change things up, and it either doesn’t stick, or is inaccessible to me for one reason or another.
@ Missus: I don’t mind ‘those thoughts’ at this point. They’ve been popping up with increased frequency for a number of years now, and are becoming more frequent. Much the same way as my Dysthymia, AvPD, and MDD have increased. The occasional alcohol is a welcomed reprieve. I see no harm in that. Doesn’t mean I’m a raging alcoholic. No big deal.
My childhood isn’t an issue. It was garbage, and had a hand in shaping my mentality up to today. So be it. I’m at peace with that, given a lot of what was instilled in me then, is obvious at this point in time.
As far as the ‘seeing depression’ thing, I don’t buy that. When it’s important? When it’s all on the line, so to speak? I’m the epitome of happy sunshine and friendliness with a good does of honesty. Thing is, it has yet to come to bare fruit. At all. Ever. For something that would be life changing and beneficial to my family, myself, and my overall mentality.
That’s ok. Again, some aren’t meant to have things work out. No meaningful career, a low flashing light on my ‘happiness gauge’ much like a gas gauge on a car, no friends (as those I’ve had in the past vanished for many a reason), nearly no family beyond those under my roof which amounts to 2 people. Some get it. Some do not. Some have. Some do not. It’s life. It’s reality.
There’s no ‘fixing things’ for some. They just stay as broken, damaged people, that barely manage to keep a facade on for those they care for. I’m not seeing the issue at this point.June 19, 2018 at 12:10 pm #213171
But are you okay, can you be okay with what you stated, that you are not meant to have a meaningful career, that you don’t have a future beyond your current job, that you are not doing a good job as a father, that “There’s no ‘fixing things’ for (you)”, that you are “damaged people”?
Or are you hoping these things are not true, hoping someone somehow can convince you otherwise?
* Will be back at the computer in about 15 hours
anitaJune 19, 2018 at 9:28 pm #213215
I’ve come to grips with it. I’m a naturally unhappy person. Add in that there is no meaningful career, there’s no future beyond my current job, that I feel I do nothing useful as a father beyond the normal baseline (my spouse, I’m sure, would vehemently disagree), that there is no ‘fixing things for myself, and that I’m just damaged and broken having been tossed aside by both friends, family, and loved ones too often.
You realize that life isn’t going to be a happy thing, as the number of times you’ve been happy in 40 years, you can count on two hands. You go through the ‘have you tried this?’ stuff people from spouses, to doctors, to therapists, to friends, to family, and just get the point that it’s not for you.
I’m honestly of the mindset that the above is true. There’s no ‘someone somehow convince me otherwise’. I.E. My spouse just asked me if I was ‘ok’ and I said ‘No.’ and she asked if there was anything she could do. I said ‘No.’ and she said ‘Let me know if there’s something I can do.’ and that was that. That’s normal. Happens 2-3 times every 3-4 days. It’s routine.
So you research. You research really bad things. Things that would make your spouse freak the fuck out. But to you? To you it’s perfectly normal and rational to know that it takes 400mg of Morphine to end your life. It’s absolutely par for the course to know where to obtain Morphine via the internet, and know of a chemist that can check if the Morphine is actually Morphine. OH MY GOD! RED LIGHT! ALERT! ALERT! No. It’s not. To me, it’s a good thing to know. It’s useful, relevant information.
Simply because you honestly think, in your heart of hearts, your spouse and child deserve so much better than what they wound up with.
I assure you, I don’t ‘hope these things are not true’. They’re true. I don’t think I have it in me to stick it out another 1/4 century at a job I hate, with no prospects, told ‘no’ at every turn when you try to change things for the better.
And ‘ask for help’? Why would I ever do that? So someone can think ‘Wow. This guy is an attention whore.’. I don’t need help. Was just writing down my headspace with the thought process of ‘Yeah. Some aren’t happy. Very rarely. That’s life. That’s normal.June 20, 2018 at 2:22 am #213223
You write so well, especially this recent post. Worthy of being published, if I may say so, for many thousands of people to read. Wow. Such potent, powerful writing.
I don’t think you are “an attention whore”, by the way.
I asked you yesterday if you are okay or can be okay believing what you believe about you and your life. The answer is clearly No. You are not okay with these things. After all this is what your wife asks you routinely and you answer her with a No (“My spouse just asked me if I was ‘ok’ and I said ‘No’… That’s normal. Happens 2-3 times every 3-4 days. It’s routine”).
Another indication that you are not okay believing what you believe about yourself and your life is that “it’s perfectly normal and rational to know that it takes 400 mg of Morphine to end your life.. to know where to obtain Morphine… it’s a good thing to know. It’s useful, relevant information”
It’s useful relevant information because you suffer so much and the drug can end that suffering.
It is amazing to me, to read your words, you … sound sometimes like a machine, a robot, how you process your experience of suffering and present it as if it was something you are removed from, something outside yourself to look at, something foreign to you. You didn’t write something like: “I am suffering so much, in so much pain that I want to end it all, something like that. No strong emotion about the suffering, but a subdued, rational, very rational attitude, and removed.
So removed that for a moment, yesterday, I thought you could be okay, or at some peace with your life as is. I am thinking that the purpose of this removal, this robot like, purely rational state of mind is to be at some peace with such horrible beliefs about you and your life.
But it is impossible. I know such removal from personal experience. It has its moments of relative tranquility, but it can not change one’s human nature: we cannot be okay with suffering. We cannot come to peace with the prognosis of a rest-of-one’s life being that of suffering.
So clearly you want to end your suffering, somehow. You are not in a “OH MY GOD! RED LIGHT! ALERT! ALERT!” state of mind. This is not what you expressed here on your thread. What I hear you say is something like a one single “alert” quickly said, almost quiet, an it-won’t-make-a-difference-to-say-it…alert.
My understanding at this point is that you are extremely frustrated, extremely tired, sick and tired from trying, angry, understandably. You want to give up, close, but not there.
Can you imagine someone feeling as much pain as you have felt and feel, and that someone may very well be me, the one typing you this message?
I will be okay sharing with you what happened with me since the days I was lying down in bed with as much of a particular drug I had at the time, to end my suffering. I too calculated the amount, collected the amount it took, and there it was, the right amount. I will share, if you would like me to (and I don’t have anything prepared in my mind to share, I didn’t share it before, whatever it may be).
anitaJune 20, 2018 at 9:00 am #213265
Not that it matters, but I’ve heard the ‘robot’ comparison more than once in the past.
If I’m suffering, I don’t notice it. There are many that are far worse off than myself. I’m just unwilling to settle for a dull, unfulfilling life. I don’t want that.
I’ve reached a minor milestone (40) and are cognisant of a few things given my age. Of those few things, nearly all of them are pointing toward another 25-30 years of boredom, ineptitude, failure, inadequacy, regret, disappointment, and a complete lack of meaning in ones day to day.
In short, a banal and trivial existence, devoid of meaning.
You receive ‘advice’ on how to change the above. You follow through with said advice, and marvel at how everything remains exactly the same as when you started.
You’re correct in saying ‘close, but not there’. Essentially setting the groundwork. Confirming things would be ok, and if anything improve without one there. Sure, there’s a couple of instances where things may be a little worse off, but overall? Improvement.
I’ve been given a life, and all has pointed to being told “No matter how hard you work, no matter if you do the right thing to get from A to B, it’s not happening. Ever.” without actual words being said. So I can settle for what I’ve been given, or simply return the ‘No’ I’ve been told for decades.
I’d much prefer the latter.
As for yourself, wanting to share your own experience? Feel free. It’s an open forum. Sharing your own ‘lying down in bed’ story is entirely up to you.
The entire point I’d made of this thread, to be redundant, was just to confirm that it’s indeed normal to just never be happy or content.June 20, 2018 at 10:03 am #213271
No, I wouldn’t like to share unless you were interested. I don’t feel like sharing without your significant interest.
Reads like experiencing a “banal and trivial existence, devoid of meaning” is your suffering.
You wrote: “I’ve been given a life”- by whom, I ask. Who gave you a life?
“‘No matter how hard you work, no matter if you do the right thing.. it’s not happening. Ever.'”- who is saying that without actual words being said?
Are you referring to a god, an entity out there that gives life, gave you life but a banal and trivial life, an entity that gave you a gift you don’t like, a gift that is not worth your time?
anitaJune 20, 2018 at 11:30 am #213281
Given a life, existentially speaking. You’re born, therefore, you’re ‘given’ life.
‘Who’s saying that without actual words being said?’. I am. I have. It’s how things are for some. For others, they work hard and it pays off. For some, they work hard, make the right moves, and it never pays off.
Life in general, for some, is banal/trivial/dull. Regardless of what they do to make it not so, it stays so.June 20, 2018 at 5:51 pm #213317BrandyParticipant
What is the “dream job” you’ve referred to? I understand if you’d rather not share that here.
How did it come to be that you can write so well? Clear, credible, thought-provoking, concise and precise. If you wrote a newspaper column, I’d read it every single day.
BJune 21, 2018 at 3:06 am #213339
I studied your posts. This is what I understand (and question) so far:
1. The curious-to-me part: “Child #2 is happy, healthy and well adjusted… happy in every way” and “My Wife is happy and for the most part thinks everything is great… my spouse thinks all is well beyond me being ‘down’ often”- I hope your child is indeed healthy in every way. The curious part is that your wife reads like the opposite of you: you are at the extreme of negative and she is at the extreme of positive, to be able to live with you day in and day out and remain positive and an excellent mother (to produce a child healthy in every way), a superwoman.
2. “I’m really tired. Not ‘I need a nap’ tired. The other kind of tired.. it’s like living in the Land of No… life in general tells me ‘No’ on a daily basis. Be it tossing out my resume.. applying to a secondary school… another ‘closed door’ to a career.”
A man living in the Land of No is an Angry Man.
You believe that not only life has not worked out for you, but it was meant to not work out. You believe that you were given a life, with the hopes and dreams and desires that come with it and then, the giver of life (through many people throughout your life) has told you, personally: No. No hopes to materialize for you, no dreams to come true for you, no desires are to be actualized.. not for you. Not for you.
And that makes you very angry, a misanthrope, an angry man.
You wrote: “I think the root of things is that some get to be happy, and some don’t. I’m in the latter group… some are just meant to be depressed… Again, some aren’t meant to have things work out.. Some get it. Some do not. Some have. Some do not… I’ve been given a life, and all has pointed to being told ‘No matter how hard you work, no matter… it’s not happening. Ever.”
There are things we believe that are true to reality and other things we believe that are not true to reality. This is what (I believe) you believe that is not true to reality:
-life is meant to be any which way for anyone, a fate of sorts, an intention by the vague giver of life. There is no entity that said upon your birth No to that baby and then saw to it that everyone restates that No throughout your life, forty years so far and for the rest of your life.
Your birth was nothing special. I will explain: many millions of creatures, plants, animals, microorganisms, and so forth were born that hour, that day that you were born. Many died that same hour. Your birth was business as usual, birth, life, death.
There was no No to you. There was no one there to say that No to you. There is still, no one there enforcing that No.
anitaJune 21, 2018 at 6:59 am #213387
@ Brandy. Hello. I was reasonably close to becoming an EMT. But, due to my age, I didn’t get passed the interview. Three different times. As for my writing prowess, I’ll have to disagree. It’s the same level as one of those drunk bar stars with a skull fracture while having a fight with a muskrat. My spouse is the talented writer. I’m honestly surprised I can manage this keyboard.
1. I agree. She deserves far better, as I’ve previously mentioned.
2. I agree once again. I’ve yet to say ‘Someone said no to me.’ Who in their right mind would say ‘I’m depressed because a person said no to me!’. That’s vapid and asinine to the core of ones being.
Some lead a charmed life. Some lead a cursed life. Some lead a life somewhere between the two, to varying degrees. And some after that, are self-aware enough to notice.June 21, 2018 at 7:37 am #213393
If you agree that your wife is the opposite of you, at the extreme of positive, a superwoman, perhaps, as I suggested, then is she one of those leading “a charmed life, while you at the same home, are living “a cursed life”?
anitaJune 21, 2018 at 8:58 am #213417
I think the charmed/cursed point is leading us into the minutiae of things. Charmed/cursed is really just about simple probability.
Some have it. Some don’t. Some follow a path, and receive the boon at the end. Some follow the same path, make the same moves, and receive nothing at the end of that same path but a let down.
In the case of my spouse? She went to post-secondary schooling, graduated in the top 5% of her class, got her degree, and set sail on her chosen career to greener pastures. I went to post-secondary schooling, graduated in the top 5% of my class, got my certificate, and was promptly told ‘No’* after not one interview, not two, but three interviews for a position in the next leg up in the process to enter the career of my choice. I make peace with that, and attempt a second career of interest, and am told ‘No’* after not one interview, but an additional one as well.
Change my job? I’d be happy to. I’ve thrown out no less than 4 dozen resumes over the past 2 years. You’d be right in presuming how that went.
Notice a trend yet?
The above, as mentioned with minutiae, is largely irrelevant.
It all bleeds into ones self-outlook. Which is an entirely other long, blathering, babblefish issue that can be summed up as ‘The only answer to the equation is that you’re an awful Human Being.’ based upon both current and past events.
* – I’m paraphrasing ‘No.’ with any number of things. The ‘Thanks but no thanks’ emails refusals from potential employers, the ‘Thanks but no thanks’ emails from post-secondary education institutions. Etc.