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I'm Unable to be Happy

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  • #213485
    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi Misanthrope,

    Some lead a charmed life. Some lead a cursed life. Some lead a life somewhere between the two, to varying degrees. And some after that, are self-aware enough to notice.

    I agree. There are also those who appear to lead charmed lives but are actually very troubled, and those who appear to lead cursed lives who are very content. I knew a guy who had it all: multiple degrees, one from an Ivy League institution, a beautiful, smart, very cool wife, great kids, tons of friends, active social calendar, good looks, intelligence, athletic ability, mid-six figure salary, and he killed himself one day. I also know a 40+ year old busboy at our local hamburger joint who makes minimum wage plus tips, lives from paycheck to paycheck alone in a one bedroom apartment in a rough area of town who emits the kind of peaceful energy that would be tough for anyone to fake every day.

    It all bleeds into ones self-outlook. Which is an entirely other long, blathering, babblefish issue that can be summed up as ‘The only answer to the equation is that you’re an awful Human Being.’ based upon both current and past events.

    Okay, I guess, sometimes. But then there are those with charmed lives who are awful human beings, or cursed lives that I’d trust with my kids. What about you? Are you an awful human being? Does your wife think you are?

    I used to think about Christopher Reeve a lot. Talk about a charmed life, and then boom, no more charmed life for Christopher Reeve.

    As for my writing prowess, I’ll have to disagree. It’s the same level as one of those drunk bar stars with a skull fracture while having a fight with a muskrat.

    lol, Okay, we can agree to disagree on this point. I admit that there are a lot of things I know nothing about,  but I know what I like, and if you wrote a book I’d read it.

    I was reasonably close to becoming an EMT. But, due to my age, I didn’t get passed the interview. Three different times.

    How do you know it was because of your age?

    B

    #213539
    Misanthrope
    Participant

    I think I’m pretty awful, most certainly. For a myriad of reasons that are too dull hammer out on here.

    My wife thinks quite differently. She’s of the mindset I’m some jewel in the rough type of thing. I think she’s deluded with good reason. If all you’ve known for your entire life is dirty puddle water to drink, you’re going to think dirty puddle water is great. The best. Little do you know, there are far better liquids out there. A horribly analogy, but it fits the point I’m trying to make.

    It’d be a book with a single reader, I assure you. Write. Good god, I can think of no duller a writer. Imagine the blatheringly aimless paragraphs. Doctors could hand it out in Hospice care as a quick end for the terminally ill. “Here you go Ma’am. Give this a read, you’ll be cold by the time you finish page 1.”

    Because of my age. I found out too late in life that’s what I wanted to do. Add in a couple other things to reaffirm my thoughts, such as having to ‘prove’ you’re over 18. Another rather salient point is the following I’ll try to be concise with. During midterm exams for the pre-req medical course you have to take pre-emt, I passed the actual EMT class on the way to write the midterm. It was break for the class, so many were congregating outside the classroom. Beyond the barstar girlie pop that came literally bouncing out of the classroom like a Bunny holding her phone in front of her face, do you know what else I noticed about the entire class make up? Each and every single student was under 25, was slim and trim, and ready to be both on instagram as a model, and prepped and ready to check their twitter. In short, not a 40 year old, 6’4, 220lb Dad. Regardless if most EMT’s have a shelf life of 4-6 years on the job.

    I apologize for the diatribe above, but in fairness, you did ask.

    As for Reeve, Williams, Spade, Bourdain, Bennington, and Cornell? Not a single person would say ‘They had a tough life. Certainly not charmed.’ Death is seldom pretty.

    #213553
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Misanthrope:

    I think you are a very intelligent man, creative, have a way with words that tickle my brain. But you are correct in your assumption that I will not read your book. I won’t read it because the writer’s thinking is distorted.

    Here is a clear, major distortion: “Some follow the same path, make the same moves, and receive nothing at the end of that same path”-

    The distortion is that it is impossible for two people to take the same path. It cannot be the same path for any two people because there are too many variants, random things happening. For example, two people with the same education, same age, same gender have an interview with the same interviewer. But one has it an hour later. After the first interview, the interviewer’s stomach started to hurt.

    There is it, the variant, the random thing happening, and it is not the same path for the two interviewees.

    The second reason I will not read your book is that I don’t like to be disrespected, as a reader or otherwise. See, as I typed this post to you, I am expecting that you will respond the same as you responded to me (and to others) before, with a quick dismissal (ex,: “minutia…not relevant”)

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by anita.
    #213635
    Misanthrope
    Participant

    I’m not writing a book! I’d never write a book. A book on what? How to be a Misanthropic Dysthymiaprone Failure at Forty? Enough with the book.

    The only quick dismissal I’ve made dismissals to are my own points. Why would I dive headfirst into an irrelevant explanation of something, if everything I have to say about it, doesn’t matter at all?

    I was on the hunt for someone to counter my original thought of ‘Some are happy. Some are not. Some fluctuate,  some stay in one or the other permanently based on their environment.’ It’s not happening, which is fine, as I’ve managed to counter the points of multiple therapists. Can let the thread here die out, and no worries.

     

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by Misanthrope.
    #213655
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Misanthrope:

    You are a funny misanthrope, one with a good sense  of humor. “Can let the thread here die out”, meaning you will let it die out? I hope not. It will be refreshing if it will not die out, different from the hundreds and hundreds of threads that do.

    anita

    #213677
    Misanthrope
    Participant

    There’s not really anything else to say about it. Honest. I was after an answer, and the one I derived from the forum was given. All I was after.

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by Misanthrope.
    #213681
    Brandy
    Participant

    Wait a minute! Do I get a say in whether or not this thread dies out?? LOL.  The whole book thing was my fault. No book deal, folks! Sorry for the confusion everyone.

    Misanthrope,

    I know nothing about Dysthymia, AvPD, MDD, SSRIs, or morphine, and all I know about alcohol is that it makes me feel like crap both physically and mentally the day after I drink it (yes, even just one glass). They say the cause of some mood disorders is a combination of nature and nurture, “simple probability”as you would call it along with your mess of a childhood. Regardless of how or why, they’re here, you got ’em, and they’re doing what they do best: convincing you that you’re worthless. The way I see mood disorders is that they take an otherwise functional human being and create major havoc for him. Suddenly he has no friends, no job opportunities, no respect, no happiness. You say your wife and child deserve better. ALL THREE of you deserve better! You didn’t deserve the MDD gene and/or the messed up childhood. So let me guess, your friends and some family members have deserted you because you screwed up, maybe got mean, angry, drove them away? If so, maybe it happened because you think you’re awful, not because you actually are. And maybe the way you think isn’t your fault.  Maybe you think the way you do because you got a raw deal starting about 40 years ago.

    I used to work with this guy. We shared an office. He was smart, taught me a lot, but over the five years we worked together I watched him go from likeable, respected friend/colleague to someone no one wanted be around, including me. It was obvious what was happening though. His depression was screwing up his life. He wasn’t a team player, expected credit for work he didn’t do (he was older and the “lead” in most of our projects), had a very short fuse, was on the tempermental side, and also required extra attention from the opposite sex even though he had a serious relationship at the time. He’d partake in risky activities…often. I remember after he got engaged to his girlfriend he carried on with a coworker, would sneak around to meet her, etc. Stuff like that. He also would call in sick on Mondays….a lot. When things obviously weren’t working out for him, both professionally and personally, I remember him asking “why are these things happening to me?”. I knew, from him, that there was stuff  in his childhood that wasn’t so good, and I remember thinking that his relationship with his parents was very strange. I’m not saying you’re this guy. I’m just saying that I felt that it was this guy’s depression, self-loathing, low self-esteem that caused his missed opportunities, loss of friendships, etc. Not the other way around.

    As for the age thing for the EMT job, yeah, I can see that happening in that line of work. I also would think that EMTs need to be mentally fit, like Navy pilots, and I’m wondering if in any of those three interviews you may have come across as not 100% mentally fit.

    Anyway, back to the original thought that “Some are happy. Some are not. Some fluctuate…”. I agree with you. And I know you’ve tried a lot of things to change your situation, but I strongly believe that there are ways out other than taking 400mg of morphine, and I don’t think getting your dream job is necessarily one of those ways. I think it works the opposite way: once you correct the underlying problem, opportunities will open up. It’s possible, I believe, that you haven’t yet worked with the right therapist and that the right therapist would be able to help you a great deal. Unfortunately, I think that about 9 out of 10 therapists are the wrong ones….maybe even 9.9 out of 10?

    B

    #213693
    Misanthrope
    Participant

    The joys of being heavily resistant to drugs and alcohol I guess. I don’t get hangovers or any of that.

    Family and friends are mostly gone for a myriad of reasons. Parents preferred being a junkie and alcoholic respectively when given an ultimatum. Friends leaving are a wealth of reasons also that have been given to me, ranging from “I’m jealous you’re engaged.” to “My new found girlfriend doesn’t like you anymore so…” to simple distance. Paraphrasing of course.

    As for the dream job thing, I was interviewed three separate times. I met all needed criteria. I know how I came across. It wasn’t for anything lacking mentally that I wasn’t accepted, or something intangible like that. It is my age. Nothing more.

    Therapy is not for me. I’ve shot down 3 different therapists, each with many years experience. I’ve no desire to hear anymore therapy ‘help’.

    Again, I’m tired. I’m weary. I simply lack the ability to pull myself out of the current spiral that’s been going on for as long as I can remember, and that’s ok. I’ve followed the advice of many (including my own thoughts to get out of my rut of a life) and its been found wanting. One can only hear “No” so many times before it just takes it’s toll, similar to water erosion.

    I’m supposed to stay in a job I’ve no desire for, regardless of the mass efforts to get out of it. To do something my child can admire or look up to.

    I’m supposed to stay in a marriage that’s like plain white oatmeal, regardless of doing everything under the sun to remedy the complacency of my spoue, to no avail.

    I’m supposed to have a mindset that’s as I have now, regardless of the months of time poured into making things brighter, given the cacophony of advice I’ve followed to the letter.

    Reality is some just don’t pull out of a tailspin, and that’s alright . We’re only Human. You either live with where you’re at, or if there’s just no visible escape with no going on, exit quietly. Beyond the obvious ripples left in your wake (couple people being upset), one can be reasonably sure things would only improve for those you leave, given the person that left.

    Makes 100% complete sense to me.

     
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    #213699
    Brandy
    Participant

    Not to me. No such thing as a “quiet exit” when you have a child. To your child your exit will be deafening. Losing a parent to suicide makes children more likely to die by suicide themselves and increases their risk of developing a major psychiatric disorder (I just now plagiarized that from a 2010 Johns Hopkins study). If you want to do something that your child can admire and look up to (like you mentioned above), then stick around. Don’t let the bad thoughts win.

    I get the email whenever this thread is updated, so I hope you keep posting here! 🙂

    Suicide Hotline

    #213737
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Misanthrope:

    I am glad you did post again and hope you continue to post. The way I see your mind and your situation at this point is that you are sort of.. throwing a big temper tantrum. With the intelligence of the grown man that you are, with your creative way with words, what you are basically saying is something like this:

    My life sucks! This is not fair! I do not like this, I do not like my life, I hate my life! I hate all of it! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!

    anita

    #213749
    anita
    Participant

    * didn’t reflect under Topics

    #213807
    Misanthrope
    Participant

    @ Brandy – It’s a debatable thing most certainly. I’ve two extended family members who’s mother (my aunt) killed herself in the home, and the two family members found her. Both were under the age of 10. Did a number on them for sure. Today? They’re two of the most well-adjusted adults I’ve known. I think it’s case specific. Others very much do not.

    @ Anita – Fair enough. I’ll refrain from displaying any more of my ‘tantrum’ on your forum.

    #213813
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Misanthrope:

    This is not my forum any more than it is yours. I am a member here, not the owner, not an employee, not a moderator. A member who posts a whole lot.

    anita

    #213817
    Brandy
    Participant

    The other thing I wanted to say is nope, you don’t need to stay in a plain white oatmeal marriage. When you think of not being in that marriage, having your own space, do you feel better?

    Do you remember a time when you felt happy? When you woke up every day and felt pretty good about the day ahead?

    #391662
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Misanthrope:

    I want to re-read your thread and post something about it, 3 1/2 years after the last post here. I want to see how life was for you before Covid, before the escalation of climate change… before all the troubles of Dec 2019 and onward… life in”the good old days”!?

    I will be back to your thread later. If you are reading this, let me know, it will make my day!

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 47 total)

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