Dear @TeaK,

I hope you are doing well. I am grateful to have you respond to me promptly.

I believe he wanted to make you feel bad for cutting contact with him (“it’s not fair to do that to people”). He would have liked you to be available whenever he pleased. But then he said: if there is a wound – meaning if you are not emotionally mature enough to keep contact with him, but are wounded – then he would respect it. He is suggesting that you are somehow deficient for not wanting to keep contact with him (and being exploited by him). He is suggesting he is more mature and advanced than you, when in fact he was being selfish and manipulative.

I always told him that he is selfish but I guess being selfish is not always bad. In this case, however, he did make me feel small. When I dug deeper into our issues and owned up to my mistakes and issues. He let me stew in it. He never took responsibility for anything. It was all my fault and you see I was so blind that I didn’t even question him. My whole point was to take ownership of my mistakes but do you think it’s possible that it was just me? I did always think he was more mature than I am. Currently, I feel I am more evolved as a person (does that make sense). I am mature too. I told him he is manipulating me when I had decided to cut contact and he had started yelling at me. I don’t know….. how can I be so wrong about a person.

Things are a lot clearer now @TeaK I have gotten validation for my intuition from your replies. You have no idea how light it had made me feel. Btw, do you believe in Karma? I ask this coz I feel like this is my karma. When I was in my early 20s I had a relationship where my feelings had changed and I wasn’t able to explain it to that guy. He used to be emotionally unavailable. I used to feel lonely in that relationship. He was the one who broke it up since I had started a new job and was keeping busy. I never fought for the relationship (which he thought I would) but he did come back to reconcile and tried for 2 years but I just could not go back. Maybe I am suffering for that suffering I might have caused him. He is a good friend now and I have talked to him about it. He says he didn’t know why did he act the way he did but I was clearly not honest in telling him my feelings have changed when he was trying to reconcile. I just told him the reasons it cant work. In general, he struggled to talk about his emotions, I was dragging the relationship on my own. He didn’t care much but when he wanted to reconcile I could have told him I did not want a relationship anymore rather than telling him why did he act carelessly when we were together. Am I making any sense?

Dear @TeaK,

You are right I asked him that I do not want to be in touch with him and it has been three months now. I did not doubt my decision but I did think he might reach out but he never did. Even when I told him I want to stop communication he told me about how one of his exes also stopped communication with him. I felt annoyed as to why is that important at this time. Plus that story was over a long time ago. They were friends after that and hanging out every time he’d go back home. I met her too. Why was she cutting contact now? He was like I think it’s not fair to do that to people but if there is a wound he would be respectful about it. Anyway, it was not my business anymore. I told him I am sorry you feel sad but I need to focus on myself. I think you have moved on and I need to do that too.

The only reason I started this thread was that I started checking his FB(he never posts anything) but I wanted to get some information about him since he said he is happy. I felt sad about this behaviour of mine and thought it might be better if I sought some help. You and @anita have been quite helpful and kind.

I would come back on in case I struggle again.

I hope you are doing well and taking care of yourself too. Hugs!

Thanks a ton,

Akansha

Dear @TeaK,

Thank you again for digging deeper with me. I hope you believe me when I say that it has really helped me. I definitely never saw that I was being the mother figure since taking care of people has been my thing. When I was younger, I used to forget to take care of myself, I wanted to be liked by everyone. It was a horrible time but I am much better at choosing myself now.

My ex was quite level headed, I mean I was always stunned by how mature he was but tbh I was comparing his maturity to my maturity at my age. That is a skewed vision altogether. I was impressed by the fact that even after being 6 years younger than me he was so reflective and sensitive, come to look at it now I think it was because of his traumas. He was always a melancholic person who thought too much about things and was sensitive to everyone’s emotions. He would get anxious with sounds or music. He would brood too much about what someone said. I was able to help him with those (I thought I did). He was very happy one time I told him how to talk to his boss so that she listens to him. It worked so well that he became her fav intern 😀 Therefore, he used to be very thankful for my outlook on life. I was always cheerful and excited. Meanwhile, he was a Debbie Downer (I did not have a problem with that) he was different from me and I appreciated that. He was practical, I was kind. He could make good decisions about spending money, I was good with planning trips, household chores etc. For me, it felt like we complement each other and are a strong team.

But as you said I think he did grow in this relationship and maybe he didn’t need my support anymore. So clearly, it was not ‘love’ but a need. No wonder he was so confused and could never decide what our future should be. He called once after our breakup after a dinner with his family that he misses having me on the table and that he would love to have a family with me. But then after a week, he will tell me how he wants to have sex with other women and if I feel the same way with other men. I guess he was feeling guilty that his feelings have changed since he didn’t need me and he was unable to understand for himself. He did not want to lose me after the breakup knowing that I was such an important part of his life (his words) but he also didn’t like me anymore as he did when he needed me. He would reach out when he was anxious, or sad or was stuck in a dilemma and since I was seeking connection I will give everything from my cup.

Answering your question regarding the points below:

Also, it’s peculiar that he would ask your permission to have phone sex with another woman, 5 months after your breakup. But then again, if he saw you as his mother, perhaps he felt the need to confide in you and ask for your opinion (like, do you think it’s okay to have phone sex with this girl whom I just met on facebook?)

He is a very physical person. Since we hadn’t seen each other since Jan 2020 he was clearly horny so he was seeking the physical connection. He was also hanging out with people who were sleeping around with random women and he was clearly influenced. He tends to get influenced by his group. As I understood, the only reason he was asking for permission from me is coz he wanted me to tell him if I was seeing someone else. It was like he wanted to have his cake and eat it too. He did accept this. He also confessed it would drive him mad to think that I might start seeing someone else but he also kept forcing me to not wait for him. He was hanging out with girls, dancing, went on a date, flirted and would tell me all about it. He would then ask me if I have these encounters and I was like No. It was a pandemic I was stuck at home I wasn’t seeing anyone. I was also traumatised so there was no way I was thinking about anyone else. And then again he would ask me why is he confused.

Btw every time he talked about having sex with other women, or if he would complain about how little sex we had during Christmas, we’d end up having phone sex ourselves. I honestly have no clue how did I agree to that. My only explanation is that since I was like a parched dog in a desert seeking a source to fulfil my need. Any connection made me feel like I am getting closer to him. One time he even rejected me after asking me to come on skype for a session. When I complained he was like please deal with your anxieties it’s not my responsibility to help you with that. He is right but this is from a person who would not stop calling messaging me every time he had any anxious feeling 🙂 I don’t want to establish that he is a bad person. He is not but yes I did not see the red flags.

He did tell me last year Nov (5 months after the breakup) that he thinks there is no one as kind, forgiving and wonderful as me. He said he thinks I am close to Jesus as a spiritual being and I am the most important person in his life.

It sounds like flattery – perhaps he was feeling a little down, perhaps something was bothering him at the moment, and he quickly called you to make him feel better, like he would call his mother? But since he knew he offended you quite a bit earlier, he needed to soften you with some sweet talk…  Do you think this might have been his motivation?

No, this talk was right after he asked me if I give him permission to have phone sex with this girl on Facebook. We were having a normal conversation when that topic of “him giving me the right” to tell him if he should have phone sex with this girl from Facebook or not. Apparently, they were flirting for some time. I was so shocked that I said I don’t think I can talk about this and that’s when he said how I am the only person he knows who is spiritually as close to Jesus. (Btw I do not follow any religion. He believes in Jesus but is not religious(whatever that means)). And then again when I said I am not going to tell you if you should have sex or not. I made him understand how hurtful it is for him to ask me for this but his response to that was so will you do that? He said this girl is just someone he is having sex with he doesn’t care about her. But the things he wants to do might be considered disrespectful for me. He was a weird relationship with sex. He used to be scared of sex. He had been cheated on several times. He was so scared that I would cheat on him too. And that’s how I was never bothered by his jealousy. I knew the source and I tackled it well. According to him, he only ever enjoyed sex with me and I know he was genuine when he said that. But then there were complaints about how we didn’t have enough sex since someone questioned him that it’s not enough sex in an LDR (for reference we would meet after every 1 month for 5 days and none of us had the energy to be at it all the time)

I feel so weird since it might look like he is a crazy person. He isn’t. He is just a human being who has a lot of pain bodies and traumas and doesn’t know how to deal with them. I do not want this post to be about him being a horrible human being but about me being blind at that time and not taking my self-respect into account. I would not do a disservice to my old self since I just did what I felt was right at that time. I know better now!

Thanks,

Akansha

Dear @TeaK,

Thank you for your detailed input. I highly appreciate that.

Actually, I think he did find me like his mother but he has a lot of trauma attached to her. She had a brain injury when he was 13 and since then she is totally dependent on his father. She struggles with short term memory and gets annoyed when people don’t entertain her. His family struggles a lot because of that and all the kids are truly traumatised. So that explains his annoyance when I was weak and needy, maybe it triggered him.

He did tell me last year Nov (5 months after the breakup) that he thinks there is no one as kind, forgiving and wonderful as me. He said he thinks I am close to Jesus as a spiritual being and I am the most important person in his life. To be fair, he also had just asked me if I would allow him to have phone sex with a girl he met on Facebook. It was quite confusing. I felt like I am being tested. I said I have no right to say yes or no coz we aren’t together but he did not let go till I replied to him. I know he would not have been able to be calm if I was seeing someone (he accepted that) but he was quite jealous since the beginning. So I didn’t question that behaviour.

I will go through the questions you asked now.

 

“I felt really guilty when I didn’t get the job and he said No too.”

I didn’t understand this: did he say No to you moving with him to his new location once you didn’t get the job you wanted?

He said he did not mind me saying no to moving with him since I was caught in the moment. I was about to get a job I was dreaming of for a long time. He did feel unimportant but he would ask me to shut up every time I will apologise. That is the reason I told him to accept the job in the Middle East coz I was guilty of doing that to him.

 

“I tried to talk to him about it so many times but he said he doesn’t care and it doesn’t matter. He said he had forgiven me”

I don’t think he has forgiven you, and it has shown in his reluctance to talk about marriage and your future together. Also, he reluctantly followed you to Berlin, only to leave 20 days after you’ve arrived.

Berlin was his plan. When he was about to come to visit me in my home country he made me write on a sheet that we will move to Berlin and we will have a wonderful life and pay my gratitude for that. But you are right, maybe he was reluctant and angry with me. I asked him so many times. I even asked him if we should see a couple’s therapist so that he could talk but he refused it. I was worried he might resent me but he didn’t want to talk about it.

“It was the most devastating thing ever but he promised he will take short term opportunities and he will keep berlin his home base. I agreed but then he started keeping away from him since I was angry. I was angry that he left me alone in a place that was supposed to be home.”

Here you sort of “betrayed” him again, because you agreed for him to take short-term jobs abroad, but then you felt angry at him. But I guess you were angry not because he left, but because he wouldn’t make any commitments regarding your future. You felt his hesitancy and it hurt you: ‘For someone who constantly kept talking about wanting to have a family with me, he was very hesitant about getting engaged.’

I am sorry I made a mistake. He started ignoring me since he thought I would spoil his joy and that made me angry. I was mostly annoyed that he did not want to discuss our future. He wouldn’t even talk about how long did he want to work abroad. I would have appreciated it if he said I am going to be there for 2 years but he never had an answer. He would say is this not enough that I say I am committed. Tbh it is but then he made promises for starting a farm in Italy or work on a farm. Now I guess I was supposed to do it alone and he would come there for vacations. That was not what I signed up for. So yes it hurt me. You are spot on.

“He used to come to visit me every 1.5 months for 5 days, in the house I set up for us and he would be enamoured by it saying that he loves that we have a home.

He wanted me to build a home for him.”

It’s like he saw you as the strong, capable mother, who’ll build a nice home for him. He appreciated the house in Berlin, but he still resented you. I think it shows that he saw you primarily as his care-taker and provider, and not as an equal partner. He loved that he has a home base, from where he can go out into the world and explore. You were a safety net for him, not an equal partner. And he didn’t want to get married to you, I suppose, because he resented you all along for being dependent on you so much.

I don’t know if he resented me for being so dependent on me. He resented me when I would not like to do things his way. He always wanted to do everything together. He wanted me to be part of everything he did. Go to places he goes to, listen to songs he listens to, watch what he is watching. I explained to him a lot that it’s not bad that I do not enjoy doing everything with him but he was very stubborn about that. So I am still unsure about why did he resent me but you could be right. When he started pulling away his first statement was ” I don’t need you” to my statement I love you, need you and want you. I didn’t mean the word ‘need’ the same way he did but I was shocked at his response. Two weeks before this happened he was writing to me about how he is very lonely and wants to talk to me, while I was busy with my sister’s wedding.

You are on point with the rest of the points. It brought a smile to my face. I guess it is the truth, I didn’t want to accept that he was expressing everything he resented me for. I am normally attracted to guys who are reserved. My ex was not that, he was different. He approached me when normally I am the one who would approach the guy. He was so sensitive and vulnerable it was refreshing. He would also tell me I am quite beautiful. In my past dating history, the guys would tell me I have a charming personality but they only fell in love with me once I started talking :). I do tend to put them on a pedestal and take the caretaker role. This one is a lesson too. I have only learned more about me after every relationship but I am also exhausted now. I mean will this self-improvement through relationship project ever stop. Anyway, I know it’s silly to say so. We keep growing and evolving as human beings but I tend to always look for my forever person and fail miserably. I need to let go of this idea and start to get out of this scarcity mentality.

Only recently, I came to the conclusion that my ex did not love me. The breakup made me feel rejected. There was also a lot of gaslighting and that makes you question your existence when you are vulnerable. I feel I have better boundaries now and I would be able to make better choices.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my long post. You made my day with this honest breakdown.

Hugs,

Akansha

Dear Anita,

Thank you very much for taking the time to read it. I await your comments. I was quite sad since he left Berlin and was constantly asking him about what is our future. The more I asked the more he would not respond. I agree it was getting hard for him but then his choice of words crushed me. I never felt so humiliated in my life. It was also hard to digest coz he values words and is very sensitive about what people say. If he was feeling pressured he should have talked to me about it.

Hugs,

Akansha