Dear Diary,

March 28, 2024

It’s been a while since I’ve shared my thoughts in a diary. Whenever I have someone, he is not just my love or soulmate, it’s like being with my best friend and I tend to confide all my thoughts, feelings and emotions in them. This is the best feeling that doesn’t feel like an outcast or being left alone and makes me so composed. I usually turn to writing when I’m emotionally broken, disappointed, have lost hope and also when the storm rages within, at the same time, outwardly the body remains in a silent, subdued state that is trying hard to hide. I’m doing my best to heal and gather myself, but it’s so so difficult. Feeling normal or uninjured seems like an impossible task. I don’t know what I should do. One moment I’m okay and strong, and the very next moment I feel like begging or killing myself. I have never felt such pain in any other conquered situation. Why does it still hurt so much that sleepless nights and an unstable mind become the most prominent parts of days?

Even at an age over 40, I still cannot deal with this pain. It feels so scattered inside, with so much restlessness. I have never felt so helpless in any other situation. The universe remains numb when it comes to my emotions, again and again. I don’t know how far it will continue. It feels like I should not have been made with so many emotions.