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Misty

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • March 19, 2018 at 6:21 am #198059
    Misty
    Participant

    Hey Kylee,

    I’m sorry about what’s going on. I think she may not have realized or expressed her hurt earlier on because it sounds like she has some jealousy and such around this.

    I think a pretty hard and fast rule is not to sleep with the same people as your friends and definitely not to hook up again and all hang out. I know sometimes people say they don’t care – or don’t realize they care – but that’s a hard one.

    If you’re just lonely and only want him to take the pain away, I get it, girl, I really do – I think we all do! But it seems like this is a trigger and I would personally recommend avoiding sleeping with the same people again.

    Just because you didn’t mean to hurt her and she didn’t express her feelings at the time doesn’t mean she’s not hurt so I would also make sure to give her some empathy using nonviolent communication (nvc) – starting with empathizing with yourself first (and privately) and what you were feeling and needing and then listening to her with empathy, without getting defensive.

    If you’re not that into that guy anyway, it’s not serious, and she’s more important, I would distance from him for her. That’s not ideal but I think he’s a trigger and you can avoid this in the future by not sleeping with the same guys.

    I hope y’all can patch it up and I think empathizing with her (and yourself) using nvc is the best thing you can do. But also sometimes people just aren’t gonna forgive you quickly no matter what you do so I would also be prepared for that being a possibility and try to practice some acceptance about what’s happening so you can let go and learn from this and maybe you’ll patch things up a bit later. I hope none of that sounds harsh, and I wish you the best.

    ❤️❤️

    March 15, 2018 at 7:40 am #197393
    Misty
    Participant

    Hey Phoebe,

    I’m really sorry that happened. It sounds like you were happy and getting your needs met and you deserve all those good things in life.

    It sounds like it’s more about him than you, and there’s not necessarily much you can do about that except for take care of yourself and then you’ll be in a more stable state to help him should he want that and should you be willing a little later on (or even now).

    Self-care is golden, sis, and I would highly highly recommend saying positive daily affirmations to yourself on whatever you want to be more like – whether it’s inner peace, confidence, or whatever. Also highly recommend social justice activism, meditation and yoga daily, spending time with animals and going outside.

    In my experience dating, I went through a lot of people who didn’t work out for one reason or anther, and it was heartbreaking. Often I thought they could even be the one. I learned to try to practice acceptance pretty hard because so many people weren’t working out and I kept meeting great ones and going through them and getting my heart broken.

    But now I have the most amazing partner and I know all that was worth it. I learned worrying doesn’t help and sometimes people just aren’t a good fit at that time for whatever reason and there might be someone a million times better for you right around the corner.

    Also I swear – when I decided internally that I was gonna make sure I was good with myself first and foremost and accepted that I might never find my person, he messaged me that very same week. Funny huh?

     

    Maybe these aren’t what you’re Looking for but I hope it’s helpful and sometimes it’s just nice to know you’re not alone and hat people care – like the People here!

    Love!

    Misty

    June 19, 2015 at 10:33 am #78482
    Misty
    Participant

    I apologize for multiple posts, I’m not trying to take up all the space 🙂

    But I really wanted to share also that I have really been getting into Wicca (in addition to my Buddhism) lately (the last few years) and I love the combination – I love the feminine empowerment of Wicca, and this spirituality has been super fulfilling for me, and it helps guide and give larger spiritual context for my life and activist work – serving the life force! 🙂

    Here is a great video I’ve been watching today with pretty music, but I became Wiccan by watching a documentary on witch burning called “Witches” on Netflix and looking more into it by reading books like “Spiral Dance” by Starhawk 🙂

    Blessed Be, y’all!

    June 19, 2015 at 10:03 am #78479
    Misty
    Participant

    Hey Nicole,

    I just wanted to share my opinions with you on this topic, so please take the following as my opinion and not as fact.

    I wanted to say first I think your feelings of wanting happiness and fulfillment are totally normal. I think a lot of people, especially Americans, feel alienated, unconnected, and unfulfilled, since that’s the kind of culture we live in. You’re not alone. Even though we’re ultimately alone – and that’s okay – we’re not really alone.

    I also believe we are ultimately connected by some greater power/spirit, myself, though I have no idea what it is, just that I can feel it. And as Neil DeGrasse Tyson points out in Cosmos, at the most basic fundamental level, we are truly, literally, physically, ONE.

    Because of this, and because so many of our sisters and brothers and fellow beings suffer so incredibly tremendously, and because I think people have tendencies toward compassion and a need for contribution to the world and solidarity, I argue that, besides human connection and belonging, what many folks are missing is SERVICE to others. I advocate for activism/social justice work as a form of service work to fulfill our need for contribution in the world AND to actually improve the world for all people and beings, to spread the love and peace that makes us feel more whole.

    I do activist recruitment in Atlanta, GA – trying to help people find issues that their passionate about and help them start (and keep) working on these issues to improve the world and find fulfillment for themselves. There are endless issues to work on – can you think of any that strike you? – and many have been urgent for a long time now, like climate change. We truly need you, and everyone, in the Movement to literally save the world.

    I also work to create the political and public will to end hunger and poverty on Earth through a group called RESULTS (results.org), where we directly lobby our members of Congress about proven, cost-effective solutions to address the worst aspects of poverty. For example, we’re working to get early cosponsors (especially Republicans) onto a Senate bill that would create a US strategy for ending preventable pregnancy-related maternal and child deaths by 2035 (currently at 289,000 and 6.3 million every year, respectively) in part by reforming USAID in line with recommendations by a recent panel on how it can be more efficient and effective with the money it is given toward this goal of ending preventable child and maternal deaths on Earth in the next 20 years. So that’s one of the main orgs I work with, and I couldn’t feel more fulfilled there.

    So again to recap, I think it’s normal to feel disconnected and unsure what to do with your life; we are alone and yet we need belonging and connection; I feel like we’re all ultimately connected, physically if not spiritually; and I think we have a need to contribute to improving the world, and I recommend social justice activism as a GREAT way to do that. YOU are already powerful and we need your voice in the Movement.

    I wanted to share a couple videos that I have found helpful or awesome, one about how to be alone that was very comforting to me, and one about RESULTS, which I think is a good representation of who we are.

    Good luck, sister! I hope to see you in the struggle! 🙂

    May 26, 2014 at 11:53 pm #57445
    Misty
    Participant

    Hey Niam,

    I’m really glad you reached out here like this. I’m not WITH Tiny Buddha; I just come here to read articles, mainly when I’m feeling bad. So I’m not sure how Buddhist my advice/response would be, but I wanted to share anyway 🙂

    First of all, I wanted to say I’m sorry you’re feeling so terrible – I know what it’s like to feel crazy about romantic relationships – it seems like, of all things, sometimes the pain in those is the worst of all. I hope you know you’re not alone and people care about you.

    Secondly, I’m gay, too! Bisexual, actually, though it’s not quite the same situation since I’m a woman, and society/patriarchy has deemed that to be more acceptable and other LGBTQ folks (like gay men/boys or trans people generally) less acceptable.

    I understand why you’re still in the closet – I can’t imagine how scary it must be for men and boys to come out of the closet, and I know it’s somehow serving your needs to stay there – it seems safer, like no one can hurt you there.

    BUT I must also say that staying in there is NO WAY TO LIVE. Can you imagine loving in the shadows for the rest of your life?
    I cannot TELL you how INCREDIBLY (sexually) LIBERATING it is to COME OUT and LET GO of what anyone else thinks! OMFG. Letting go is more of a release than an action, I’ve found, but about the most important thing you can ever do (easier said than done, but “40 ways to let go” on this site is wonderful – as well as the song “let it go” from the movie frozen;-)). When you let go and embrace who you truly are without regard for what others think, there is nothing more beautiful, life-changing, and life-affirming. Living authentically and being yourself is a feeling of complete and utter freedom – like a weight being shifted off of you. I remember 🙂 So I HIGHLY encourage you to come out, first of all, and live the life you want, out in the open! <3

    Thirdly, I wanted to say that I’ve been learning (or re-learning) recently that perhaps I need to be more independent from my partner and take care of myself first. I’m the only one who will DEFINITELY be with me forever so I had better be my best friend before all others, instead of depending on others to meet my needs all the time. This is also easier said than done, but I wanted to recommend to you to consider dealing more deeply with your relationship and the changes happening within it.

    My partner and I recently broke up for a while, and I bought a break up doctor series online from Kevin that’s been very helpful for helping me figure out what’s going on here, within me and in him and between us, (though they gave me an extra hidden charge they still haven’t removed and I can’t access all the videos and e-books at the time though they say they’re taking care of it). I’d recommend a lot of those ideas, and that series, besides the glitches with money etc. But I’m sure Tiny Buddha and others have much to offer on the subject of feeling independent/taking care of yourself when break-ups and such are happening.

    Another thing that’s helped me deal with our last break-up is the fact that I’ve been reading affirmations to myself about every day for a year – affirmations on self love, self belief, self confidence, independence, dreaming big, and inner peace. I wrote down about 20 pieces of paper worth of these double-spaced affirmations, and read about 1-6 pages a day, carrying them with me in my notebook, which I bring everywhere. I would highly recommend these to transform your life. You can find millions at free affirmations dot org and use them for inspiration.

    (ALSO – I just made a great “Power” mix on my ipod if you can get one with all the music that makes me feel powerful (though if you’re super sad or angry, listen to that kind of music, which will help empathize with your feelings). I highly recommend the Power mix! (“Born This Way” by Lady Gaga is probably an amazing coming out song ;-)))

    If you feel more independent and free to come out, and you take care of you and understand what’s going on from a more evolutionary/psychological perspective, you will likely be able to move beyond your secret guy, whether or not he ever takes you back. You’ve GOT to take care of YOU, and be okay regardless! There’s plenty of ways to make yourself feel better (check out Tiny Buddha!) once you try to let go of him for a bit and focus on you, but I think that’s got to be your end goal – complete and utter self love and respect and independence and personal power.

    Also, when you come out, there are plenty of guys out there who are super liberated, and the gay community is (one of) the most nurturing and beautiful places to run into the arms of once you come out or when you need support, in my experience at Pride clubs in college and Pride marches/events around the country.

    I wish you well and send you love! <3

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by Misty.
    • This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by Misty.
    February 7, 2014 at 8:06 pm #50530
    Misty
    Participant

    Hey Anyone <3

    I think most people, and ESPECIALLY most women, struggle with how to deflect or answer flirtation.

    We live in a patriarchy, from America to India and worldwide really, where men are dominant in our culture, and women are usually expected to accept and appreciate come-ons and flirtation, and even honks and staring and cat-calls in the streets and in public. We’re implicitly told that our main worth is how we look. And I think it’s a lot of work to figure out how to deal with this possibly constant flirtation that can even approach harassment and we all seem to do this thinking and work individually, not realizing that this is a larger problem worldwide for women and girls generally. Often lot of times, men will act offended when we snap on them or even when we turn them down gently, telling us they’re complimenting us when they say or do that kind of thing. I for one do not consider it a compliment much of the time.

    Even if they’re not thinking of it in terms of domination, I think a lot of men feel like it is their right to speak to us and stare at us and do with us as they want, as if they’re entitled to our time and bodies. This kind of thinking infects us as women as well, and if we don’t talk about it, we might feel bad like we have personal problems when they are really systemic cultural problems that are not being named and discussed aloud. I’m not saying that’s what happened with you and your coworker, but I do think that this is the context in which that happened, cuz that’s the world we live in, and perhaps this is one subconscious reason that you snapped at him – perhaps you were wanting equality and respect, to be considered an equal at work and to be treated as any man would be treated at work, or perhaps it was just stress from what you’re going through, but either way, I think this monster of patriarchy affects all of our lives.

    I’m still working on how to address flirting politely and firmly, but I think the main thing is to look someone in the eyes, and from your powerful center, tell them “no, i’m not interested, thanks but no thanks,” very confidently and being sure of yourself. You deserve to say no, because your life and choices are your own, and you/women shouldn’t feel bad about saying no strongly and firmly and being confident in ourselves, our worth, and our rights when we do so. I firmly believe we as women can change this system of male dominance over women if we stand up for ourselves, believe in ourselves, and recognize our rights and worth 🙂

    I hope this helps 🙂 I don’t know if you struggle with confidence, but I sure did for a long time, and I started reading confidence affirmations at free affirmations dot org and wrote a bunch down and said them every day and after a month or so, I really started feeling much more confident. I highly recommend this practice if it is something you or others you know struggle with it at all!

    <3 solidarity sister

    February 7, 2014 at 7:02 pm #50528
    Misty
    Participant

    Hey, I think folks have offered some really good advice so far, and I’m no yogi who has all the answers, but I empathize with you. I have some resentment too. I just wanted to say I think it’s perfectly okay and healthy to feel resentful, or any other difficult emotion, and I think what makes it less healthy is beating yourself up for feeling that way. Like Lori Densche says in her series about letting go of resentment, anger, etc, “feeling more feelings about your feelings” is the problem. I think part of it is accepting your feelings and giving yourself empathy and compassion for those feelings, taking care of yourself, holding yourself in your tender spot, as my therapist would say. That’s what nonviolent communication teaches, too – self-empathy! Self-love I think is the perfect solution, loving yourself even when you’re not where you think you should be. It’s ok for you to feel like you do, totally understandable, normal, and remember – it won’t always be like this, we’ll heal with time 🙂

    I have found that I have gained a LOT from saying daily affirmations that I wrote down and carry around with me. These have been one of the most positive things in my life and can really change your thinking if you say them often enough, for long enough, and if you are patient with yourself and the process. There are millions of them at free affirmations dot org, and also googling 101 inner peace affirmations I HIGHLY recommend! Write down your favorite ones, edit them some if you want, and say them every day or so for three months, and see if anything has changed in your thinking and feelings 😀

    Another thing is when I got cheated on, I was really hurt, and one day I wrote down in my magic book everything I wanted in a partner and eventually I GOT that partner! He’s REAL! 😀 He’s not perfect, and we still have problems, but he’s perfect for me, and if my ex hadn’t cheated on me, I wouldn’t have found this love of my life. So maybe in a few years you’ll thank her when you’re with the right one!

    I would caution you against saying he emotionally raped her, though, as I am very sensitive to calling anything rape when it’s NOT, because that’s a VERY serious thing and I don’t think that word should be used lightly at all. He may have manipulated her, or something like that, but she chose to do what she did, all by herself – she is an adult, right? No one is forced to cheat and lie, and women are just as capable of making decisions as men.

    But anyway, I think you have a right to feel bad, and “the pain will ease” as Mimi in “RENT” says 😀 Take care of yourself, practice self-love, and be patient with your healing 🙂 You’re not alone, pass your wisdom along to others who are hurting too.

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