Anita,
Thank you again for your responses.
“Just like Bogart needs a calm, predictable me, children need calm, predictable parents.
Your mom able to ” shake off” things he tells her.. she wasn’t his child. It can be very difficult for a child (of any age) to shake off what a parent says.”

‘You don’t need to achieve anything today. You don’t need to improve. You don’t need to make the perfect decision. You are loved exactly as you are’

These two quotes really resonated. Thank you. Keep in touch with you 🤍

Hi Anita,
So glad to hear that Bogart is getting well, bless you that he’s lying on your leg and blocking your blood flow, I hope you’re not too uncomfortable but I know the feeling of not wanting to disturb a pet in their slumber, it’s almost an honour that they have chosen to rest in that way…

My Dad. He is a good man. He has worked hard to put my brother and I through good education. He is kind and reliable and tries to initiate conversation about how we’re feeling. But, he is difficult. He has high expectations; is often emotionally turbulent (I remember being a bit scared when I was a child of his ‘moods’), and can easily criticise others, but cannot take it himself. He is not the reason why I’m in this ‘space’, but I’ve been reflecting – when I left to go to work this morning, I looked tired and a bit dishevelled, and I couldn’t shake the feeling of his being disappointed in me. Luckily, I had my mum who knows my Dad well and told me anecdotes of what my Dad says to her almost daily – small things – and she has learnt to shake it off. I have not learnt that art yet and find him tricky!

The point of comparing how I feel now to a break up. Back then, I remember almost being in a vacuum. I was studying in Paris and alone, and it was a beautiful thing, even though it was so difficult. My friends weren’t there; my family wasn’t there. I almost enjoyed dealing with my breakup alone (hence my withdrawing from the world slightly now?) Physically, I couldn’t eat; I’d wake up feeling anxious and would sleep between classes. I’d get bursts of anger, hurt, resentment, sadness, low self-trust and belief then motivation, pockets of joy (sometimes all in the same day). Mentally, this compares to how I feel now – I sometimes have 100 different weathers in a day – similarly to back then with the breakup. Does that make sense? (BTW – Physically now, I can eat (my appetite has increased if anything))

There is a saying: all shall be well, and all shall be well; and all manner of thing shall be well; and time is the greatest healer. My mum tells me to look back to 3 months ago and compare to today, rather than to yesterday. At the moment, I feel like a child who just wants her mother’s love, support and affection. 🤍🍃

Hello Anita, I have been told I have relative energy deficiency syndrome, which is causing all sorts of problems such as fatigue, mood swings, anxiety etc. I tried to get to the bottom of this because I have not had a period in just under a year. Sorry to share.
It’s a relief knowing that there’s something to attribute all this behaviour to. I cried when my doctor told me, out of relief, frustration that it’s still with me, and just emotional turbulence.
I would like to get better, I really would.
Part of me enjoys this feeling of being looked after and withdrawing from the world slightly. I find social commitments to be slightly draining at the moment. And I ask for reassurance here, which I shouldn’t.
I’m reading ‘Overcoming OCD’ by David Veale and Rob Willson, and they speak a touch about depression and withdrawal. I have a kick in my stomach that I’m withdrawing from friends and social activities. I am seeing friends but find my own company and speaking to my family only to be remedial for me. I go to<> from work; then to the gym if I have the energy, then I rush home just so I can relax.
It feels, like what I’m doing through, is very similar to a breakup. It felt as if it was easiest to deal with it alone, with the support of only my nearest and dearest. If something feels inconvenient to me, at the moment I don’t have the capacity or energy to commit to it.
I’m on my way home to my parents now, who I’m sure will take care of me. It’s such a weird thing of wanting independence; yet finding comfort in my family’s support; wanting to get better, but basquing in the feeling of being looked after; loving friends from afar, but not feeling up to social commitments; wanting to sing, but finding the idea of joining a choir exhausting (this is an example).
I hope what I’ve described doesn’t sound like depression, that’s how I’m currently feeling. Sending love 🍃💚

Hi Anita,
Thank you for your ever-thoughtful response.
I must admit, I do not like to turn to medicines (even for headaches/colds, I prefer natural remedies). So your response is very kind but I don’t think I will take any medicine to help my brain. It is worth considering though whether a form of therapy might help. You are right it feels like it has been a mental treadmill that has ended up going nowhere except from exhausting myself. So that has helped me too.

I also had a thought today – the idea that all things are temporary – from our stage of life right down to the emotion of anxiety. They all pass, eventually. I think I don’t want to be in the big city for too long anymore, it has been 6 years and maybe it is a contributor to my stress.

I’m so pleased the beagles are playing, having fun, and are now resting. This is important for all of us!

And how are you doing? 🤍

Hello Anita, it’s not quite that my performance is never good enough. She is always first to cheerlead and congratulate me – but actually both my parents have that ‘cherry on top’ moment occasionally and I latch onto it, and often emulate it in my own actions. It is entirely unintentional and I’m sure they don’t realise it but it can be difficult especially when my OCD/perfectionism is exacerbated.

Sometimes this is exhausting! Did you ever feel a bit fed up of it?

Hey Anita,
Aw I’m sorry to hear that the place shut down :(. That would be difficult for anyone… especially where so many lovely memories were shared there. But, when one door closes, another opens 💚 in the interim I hope you are able to find activities that nourish and rejuvenate you 🩷

About the decisions, I have no idea why my brain is fixating on ‘perfect ones’. Maybe to do with optimising any situation I’m in… still trying to figure it out

Have a lovely weekend 🤍

Hi Anita,
How are you? 🤍