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Will
Participanttj, you don’t have to decide right now how you want to live your life. Your life will probably turn out different than you imagine right now, and that’s OK, it’s like that for most people.
Raeeka’s suggestion is good. Other than that, just work on getting to know yourself and enjoy the things you enjoy. You play sports, you have work, you have high school. That’s plenty to worry about! You’ll figure out your way of helping people as you travel through life. There may be different answers at different times.
All the best.
Will
ParticipantThe intelligence I am using doesn’t belong to anyone. It is not mine, and it is certainly not ‘me’. It is a whole bunch of mental processes that take place within the body from which I experience the world, but these processes, this body, and this experience are not mine, are not ‘me’.
Not-self is a tricky idea to wrap your head around, and interpretations of what the Buddha meant exactly vary, but to me it is mostly about not taking myself too seriously and being aware that I have a bias towards myself (seeing things from my perspective, assuming things are about me etc). I consider the natural idea/assumption that there is an unchanging, individual ‘me’ running my life and deciding what to do, think and say is incorrect. Intuitive, but incorrect.
I know that’s not what you were talking about, so I was playing with words a little. 😀 Hearing more about how you see the hypothetical atheist who doesn’t believe in God or themselves is helpful though. I agree that self-doubt is a fear-related emotion. But I think there is a way to not believe in the self that has nothing to do with self-doubt, as I tried to describe above.
My non-belief in myself and my non-belief in God are of the same nature. I don’t doubt God because I think he or she might not have the power to help me or the inclination to come through for me or I feel abandoned by God or anything like that. I just don’t think he or she exists. When it comes to the self, same thing.
Sorry for the thread-hijack. I think your approach is sensible, Blissful, and I hope you guys work wonderfully together. <3
Will
Participant“If an atheist doesn’t even believe in self or God, they often have an underlying fear of something. Then they need a lot of love, which you can give.”
Excuse me? I’m an atheist. I’m not sure what you mean by ‘believing in self’, but as a student of Buddhism I take the doctrine of ‘not-self’ very seriously, and it wouldn’t be a stretch for me to say that no, I don’t believe in self. 😀 I don’t think fear underly these beliefs, it’s mostly down to intellectual inquiry.
As for this wonderful man finding religion through you, I’m not sure you should gamble on that. It might happen. It might happen the other way around. I would advise giving it a shot and seeing if love conquers your differences, but actually, it might not. This could be a difficult relationship unless you are both willing to accept each other and your beliefs without resenting them.
July 31, 2014 at 8:24 am in reply to: You cannot be both unhappy and fully present in the Now. #62327Will
ParticipantI haven’t read this particular book, but yes, change from a state of anxiety towards the being he describes is possible. I’m not there, but I’m way closer than I used to be.
Stay the course, continue your practice. Read, meet people, keep catching yourself, keep being kind to yourself. It is possible. And I wish it for you, and me, and everyone.
Will
ParticipantOh darling, nothing is wrong. You could just do with being a little more anchored to yourself and your own desires. Trust yourself. You know you.
Just so you know where I’m standing: I’m definitely one of those adventurous types. I’ve had a threesome in the last week. I know what swingers clubs look like on the inside. I have more sex toys than DVDs.
And I think you’re just fine doing ‘traditional’ things with your boyfriend. In fact, I think that’s lovely. If you feel satisfied, and you feel like you don’t need anything else, then you’re in the right place. ‘Adventurous’ sex is great for those who enjoy it. If that’s not what you enjoy though, it’s horrible.
Next time you hear a “Everyone should try this!” translate it into what it really means: “I am really enjoying myself and expressing my enthusiasm!” It doesn’t mean you‘ll enjoy it, because you are not them. People vary. And that’s good. You know in your heart what you love to do, and what’s not for you. So remind yourself of that, and wish others well in whatever things they enjoy doing.
I think there are some ‘adventurers’ who are over-enthusiastic and kind of try to drag other people along in their adventures. It’s usually because they feel a little uncomfortable and conflicted about the crazy sex stuff they’re doing. If they can get others to join them, they don’t have to feel so insecure. If that’s one of your friends, maybe it can help to make really clear you’re OK with what they’re doing, you just don’t think you’ll enjoy it yourself: “You had fun at the swinger’s club? That’s awesome. I’m so happy for you. I know I couldn’t enjoy that, but I’m glad that you’re doing things that you enjoy and that are right for you. Go you, you sexy thing. So, are you coming over for the barbeque on Saturday?”
As for the media: they’re just trying to sell you stuff. You don’t need it, just let it go.
Will
ParticipantWhat, at 55 you’re supposed to be immune to heart break? Did you guys get a secret innoculation at 50 or something? Why don’t I (34) know about this?
Cut yourself some slack, pretty lady. You got dumped. Pretty carelessly it seems. That hurts, no matter how old you are. You’re not pathetic. You’re mourning a relationship and all kinds of were’s and could-have-been’s. It’s OK. Allow yourself to mourn.
Focus on taking care of yourself, and when you’re ready, make efforts to be amoung people, maybe make new friends, open up opportunities for new relationships. All is not lost. There’s lots more life to come. All my best wishes.
Will
Participant“How do you guys deal with not letting the behavior of others destroy your inner peace?”
It’s a tough one for sure. One of the things I do that (sort of) helps is to resist the urge to argue. Don’t let people pick fights. “Is that what you think? Ok then.”
When people tell you what you feel is wrong, maybe you could turn that into a conversation about why they’re being asshats, rather than about how a person ought to be feeling (which is a fruitless discussion anyway). Telling people they’re wrong isn’t a friendly thing to do. So if you’re with a friend, you can address that. Talk about the fact you’re fighting instead of having the fight. It can help cut to the chase.
Will
ParticipantThere’s some great stuff here by Lisa and Julia. Your perception of conflict between accepting yourself and losing weight struck me too. These are not in opposition. You’re not looking for a middle balance. You’ll looking for the point of view where you see there is no conflict between the two.
You’re trying to move from one motivating force to another. From controlling to caretaking. This will take time and a lot of stops and starts, but once you get the hang of it life will be better. And it doesn’t mean you’ll balloon up like Violet Beauregarde, I promise. That’s the fear, and I know it’s scary as hell to let go of what control you feel you have, but you can do it. Bit by bit, try to be less of a dictator to yourself and more of a caring parent. Would a caring parent feed you junk? No. Would a caring parent yell at you for wanting to eat nothing but cookies? Of course not.
Don’t give up on yourself. You’re a beautiful and worthy human being.
Will
ParticipantYour excess sexual energy is influencing her dreams?
Whaaaaat?!
I really don’t think that’s what’s going on. Her dreams are about what’s going on with her, and are influenced by her experiences and thoughts. That’s nothing to do with your sexual energy. Don’t let her put that on you.
So, you Mterb8 “a couple of times every three weeks”, and you think that’s excess sexual energy? It really doesn’t seem that much to me. But anyway, even if you did Mterb8 often, say twice a day, what would be wrong with that? What is this guilt you feel about? What do you think is the harm in this activity?
It seems like your unhealthy previous relationship has left your feelings about sex in a bit of a muddle. Or maybe it was your upbringing or something else. But I think your focus shouldn’t be on “balancing your energy” (that is, being less sexuayl) but on accepting yourself as a full and rounded human being who has sexual feelings as well as everything else that’s common to humanity. Unpack this guilt you feel, what’s that all about? Why feel guilty about something so natural?
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This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by
Will.
Will
Participant“Acknowledgement of the law (in a spiritual sense) is not meant to make one nervous or afraid, but capable of controlling their lives.”
Yes, I know that’s what it meant to do. We’re talking about what it actually does.
April 19, 2014 at 5:36 am in reply to: Just a logical theory making everything pointless for me. #55015Will
ParticipantYes, they are fake, I agree. I see things the way you see them. The difference between us is this: you say: “Waah! Everything is pointless!” I say: “So the F what?”
This is the question. So what?
April 16, 2014 at 4:15 am in reply to: Just a logical theory making everything pointless for me. #54851Will
ParticipantDoes it matter? Well, not in some grand cosmic scheme of things, no. There is no magic scoreboard in the stars keeping track of what us human animals are up to on our little blue rock. How arrogant to think there would be!
But it matters in that it has consequences. If you run around naked in a shopping mall, your fellow human beings will respond to that in certain ways. You may be escorted out by security. Or get arrested. Your circumstances may change as a result of your actions. Not going to your exams may be pleasant on the day, but it will have consequences for how you get on in the education system, how you are treated by others, your opportunities in life. Why do you treat that as if it’s nothing, just because you don’t have a big sky-father looking over your shoulder making sure you do your homework? There may not be grand cosmic schemes of “meaning”, but I assure you other people exist. And they will not be impressed with you skipping out of your exams. And that will ultimately make you unhappy, too. Do you really not care whether you or anyone else is happy?
You should bother helping your girlfriend because it makes you happy, and her, and happy is what we would all like to be. I don’t understand how you can shrug that off and say, “Well, it doesn’t matter.” Of course it matters, ya fool! 🙂
Will
ParticipantMichael, your last message made me smile. In your original post, it struck me how much you assumed control over how this relationship played out:
“As things have got more serious and we’ve ended up in a relationship after much ‘wooing’ on my part, surprise trips, romantic dinners, I wanted to show her that she was special and that she didn’t have to be the person always giving in a relationship, as had been the case for her previously.”
“My first feeling was not being good enough, feeling like I should’ve given more or myself and tried harder.”Sounds to me like you tried very hard, and yet you tell yourself you should have tried harder. “If only I’d done it right, I could have made this relationship work!” As if you are the only person in this relationship. As if relationships are a videogame you can win if you’re good enough and know where the ammo pickups are.
You did what you could, man. And you’re still doing the right thing now, by giving her space. Cut yourself some slack and just allow yourself to grieve a little for what could have been, rather than trying to figure out how this could have been prevented.
All my best wishes.
Will
ParticipantI didn’t know how hard to click on this topic. In my head, I’m going “Yes! Yes it does!”
I don’t like the law of attraction teaching in its modern, popular form. Yes, you can say it goes back to the Buddha, but I think that actually, if you looked closely, you’d see that the Buddha was saying something quite different.
You can’t control thoughts. Even people who don’t suffer from OCD (Hi! I don’t suffer from OCD! Yay!) can have persistent, horrible, unwanted thoughts (Hi! On bad days, I can’t stop thinking about what it would feel like to have fish-hooks stuck in my flesh. It’s not very nice!). If you have this trait, and you truly believe in the Law of Attraction, you’ll be pouring a heap of misery out over yourself, because the more you fight thoughts like these, the more tenacious they become. (Hi! I’ve tried this. And I’m damn glad I knew the law of attraction for the tripe it was when I first saw it! Yay me!)
Another problem with the Law of Attraction is that it blames people for their misery. I once read a blog comment thread where a “brave, anonymous individual” talked about the horrible guilt and dread she feels about her brushes with cancer. What had she done to bring this on herself? How could she stay positive, knowing the cancer might come back? What if the terrible thought habits she had when she was younger had left her ruined for life?
She was a healthy woman, all that had happened was that some suspicious tissue had to be removed from inside her mouth. But she was killing herself over it. And the worst thing was that no one in the avalanche of encouragement that followed in that thread dared to say: Honey, you did nothing to bring cancer on yourself. Shit sometimes happens, rain falls on the just and unjust. And it’s not your thoughts that made you sick, it was a natural disease process. You are healthy now. Please live well while you are well, and know that disease and death are a natural part of life.
Instead, one after another, the commenters shared they, too, felt guilty about the negative thoughts they had. They, too, found fear to be inescapable, and heaped fear on top of fear because they believed their fears would come true if they didn’t stop directing their focus there. These people were all making themselves miserable because they believed in the law of attraction.
The law of attraction is bad teaching. It makes you miserable and then blames you for it. I will have nothing to do with it and would invite all of you who like it as a teaching to consider that perhaps, it isn’t really the key to how the universe works and perhaps, taken to its logical conclusions, it’s a cruel teaching incompatible with compassion.
Will
ParticipantI am not religious, nor a Buddhist. I have just read many different sources on spirituality and have concluded that everyone is saying the same things – be self-compassionate, compassionate to others, and live in the moment now. Everything else is extra topping (ie. how we go about that and whether or not there is a Higher Power are personal decisions).
It’s cool that you have found such similarity in your spiritual reading, but I worry that you may be glossing over some very real differences in what different spiritual teachers are saying. I don’t think the question of whether there’s a Higher Power is ‘extra topping’. I think it makes a big difference whether you believe moral behaviour to revolve around how you treat other people (compassionately) or how well you live up to the wishes and guidance provided by God (a compassionate higher being). The effect may be the same, but the motivation is very different. Likewise, “living in the moment” is a popular teaching now, but generations of people considered the spiritual life to be all about living for heaven’s sake, in order to secure a good afterlife. I feel like you’re doing yourself and these people a disservice by waving your hand and saying “oh, well, it all comes down to the same thing.”
Par example, you also say —
… the Self that I am referring to is that part of us that seems to guide us. It is the best of who we are. It has many names – our intuition, inner child, Higher self or maybe even soul. I usually call it my intuitive spirit because it is the spirit of who we are.
You are right. I have no idea what the Buddha called that part of us. I follow dharma (the teachings of buddha) which I understand to be the natural way of things – that we are all connected and not separate – rather than the unnatural way of materialism ‘things’ and the ego and I.
I have no idea what the Buddha called that part of us. Uh, well, as it happens, the question of whether there is a Self or not was a hot topic in the Buddha’s time. What the Buddha had to say in response is complicated, but you may have a read of this and gain a sense of it: (the start of Talk 2 has the passage where Buddha is asked the question) http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/thanissaro/selvesnotself.html
I’ll leave you to explore if you feel like it but I do feel called to point out that the Buddha’s answer was not: “Why yes, there is a higher Self, and all you need to do is look for it within you and follow its guiding light!” I wonder if that surprises you.
Your site is called ‘How to be a Buddha’ and you say you intend to follow the Buddha’s teachings to see what happens. If you then backpedal and say “Well, actually I’m following general spiritual teachings”, I feel a bit cheated as a reader. I think your project might meet with more success if you’re clearer about what you’re doing, and whose teachings you are following.
I hope your break does you good, and wish you all the best with your blog/project.
Respectfully,
Will
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