tj, you don’t have to decide right now how you want to live your life. Your life will probably turn out different than you imagine right now, and that’s OK, it’s like that for most people.

Raeeka’s suggestion is good. Other than that, just work on getting to know yourself and enjoy the things you enjoy. You play sports, you have work, you have high school. That’s plenty to worry about! You’ll figure out your way of helping people as you travel through life. There may be different answers at different times.

All the best.

“If an atheist doesn’t even believe in self or God, they often have an underlying fear of something. Then they need a lot of love, which you can give.”

Excuse me? I’m an atheist. I’m not sure what you mean by ‘believing in self’, but as a student of Buddhism I take the doctrine of ‘not-self’ very seriously, and it wouldn’t be a stretch for me to say that no, I don’t believe in self. 😀 I don’t think fear underly these beliefs, it’s mostly down to intellectual inquiry.

As for this wonderful man finding religion through you, I’m not sure you should gamble on that. It might happen. It might happen the other way around. I would advise giving it a shot and seeing if love conquers your differences, but actually, it might not. This could be a difficult relationship unless you are both willing to accept each other and your beliefs without resenting them.

Oh darling, nothing is wrong. You could just do with being a little more anchored to yourself and your own desires. Trust yourself. You know you.

Just so you know where I’m standing: I’m definitely one of those adventurous types. I’ve had a threesome in the last week. I know what swingers clubs look like on the inside. I have more sex toys than DVDs.

And I think you’re just fine doing ‘traditional’ things with your boyfriend. In fact, I think that’s lovely. If you feel satisfied, and you feel like you don’t need anything else, then you’re in the right place. ‘Adventurous’ sex is great for those who enjoy it. If that’s not what you enjoy though, it’s horrible.

Next time you hear a “Everyone should try this!” translate it into what it really means: “I am really enjoying myself and expressing my enthusiasm!” It doesn’t mean you‘ll enjoy it, because you are not them. People vary. And that’s good. You know in your heart what you love to do, and what’s not for you. So remind yourself of that, and wish others well in whatever things they enjoy doing.

I think there are some ‘adventurers’ who are over-enthusiastic and kind of try to drag other people along in their adventures. It’s usually because they feel a little uncomfortable and conflicted about the crazy sex stuff they’re doing. If they can get others to join them, they don’t have to feel so insecure. If that’s one of your friends, maybe it can help to make really clear you’re OK with what they’re doing, you just don’t think you’ll enjoy it yourself: “You had fun at the swinger’s club? That’s awesome. I’m so happy for you. I know I couldn’t enjoy that, but I’m glad that you’re doing things that you enjoy and that are right for you. Go you, you sexy thing. So, are you coming over for the barbeque on Saturday?”

As for the media: they’re just trying to sell you stuff. You don’t need it, just let it go.

“How do you guys deal with not letting the behavior of others destroy your inner peace?”

It’s a tough one for sure. One of the things I do that (sort of) helps is to resist the urge to argue. Don’t let people pick fights. “Is that what you think? Ok then.”

When people tell you what you feel is wrong, maybe you could turn that into a conversation about why they’re being asshats, rather than about how a person ought to be feeling (which is a fruitless discussion anyway). Telling people they’re wrong isn’t a friendly thing to do. So if you’re with a friend, you can address that. Talk about the fact you’re fighting instead of having the fight. It can help cut to the chase.

Your excess sexual energy is influencing her dreams?

Whaaaaat?!

I really don’t think that’s what’s going on. Her dreams are about what’s going on with her, and are influenced by her experiences and thoughts. That’s nothing to do with your sexual energy. Don’t let her put that on you.

So, you Mterb8 “a couple of times every three weeks”, and you think that’s excess sexual energy? It really doesn’t seem that much to me. But anyway, even if you did Mterb8 often, say twice a day, what would be wrong with that? What is this guilt you feel about? What do you think is the harm in this activity?

It seems like your unhealthy previous relationship has left your feelings about sex in a bit of a muddle. Or maybe it was your upbringing or something else. But I think your focus shouldn’t be on “balancing your energy” (that is, being less sexuayl) but on accepting yourself as a full and rounded human being who has sexual feelings as well as everything else that’s common to humanity. Unpack this guilt you feel, what’s that all about? Why feel guilty about something so natural?

• This reply was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by Will.

Yes, they are fake, I agree. I see things the way you see them. The difference between us is this: you say: “Waah! Everything is pointless!” I say: “So the F what?”

This is the question. So what?

Michael, your last message made me smile. In your original post, it struck me how much you assumed control over how this relationship played out:

“As things have got more serious and we’ve ended up in a relationship after much ‘wooing’ on my part, surprise trips, romantic dinners, I wanted to show her that she was special and that she didn’t have to be the person always giving in a relationship, as had been the case for her previously.”
“My first feeling was not being good enough, feeling like I should’ve given more or myself and tried harder.”

Sounds to me like you tried very hard, and yet you tell yourself you should have tried harder. “If only I’d done it right, I could have made this relationship work!” As if you are the only person in this relationship. As if relationships are a videogame you can win if you’re good enough and know where the ammo pickups are.

You did what you could, man. And you’re still doing the right thing now, by giving her space. Cut yourself some slack and just allow yourself to grieve a little for what could have been, rather than trying to figure out how this could have been prevented.

All my best wishes.

I am not religious, nor a Buddhist. I have just read many different sources on spirituality and have concluded that everyone is saying the same things – be self-compassionate, compassionate to others, and live in the moment now. Everything else is extra topping (ie. how we go about that and whether or not there is a Higher Power are personal decisions).

It’s cool that you have found such similarity in your spiritual reading, but I worry that you may be glossing over some very real differences in what different spiritual teachers are saying. I don’t think the question of whether there’s a Higher Power is ‘extra topping’. I think it makes a big difference whether you believe moral behaviour to revolve around how you treat other people (compassionately) or how well you live up to the wishes and guidance provided by God (a compassionate higher being). The effect may be the same, but the motivation is very different. Likewise, “living in the moment” is a popular teaching now, but generations of people considered the spiritual life to be all about living for heaven’s sake, in order to secure a good afterlife. I feel like you’re doing yourself and these people a disservice by waving your hand and saying “oh, well, it all comes down to the same thing.”

Par example, you also say —

… the Self that I am referring to is that part of us that seems to guide us. It is the best of who we are. It has many names – our intuition, inner child, Higher self or maybe even soul. I usually call it my intuitive spirit because it is the spirit of who we are.

You are right. I have no idea what the Buddha called that part of us. I follow dharma (the teachings of buddha) which I understand to be the natural way of things – that we are all connected and not separate – rather than the unnatural way of materialism ‘things’ and the ego and I.

I have no idea what the Buddha called that part of us. Uh, well, as it happens, the question of whether there is a Self or not was a hot topic in the Buddha’s time. What the Buddha had to say in response is complicated, but you may have a read of this and gain a sense of it: (the start of Talk 2 has the passage where Buddha is asked the question) http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/thanissaro/selvesnotself.html

I’ll leave you to explore if you feel like it but I do feel called to point out that the Buddha’s answer was not: “Why yes, there is a higher Self, and all you need to do is look for it within you and follow its guiding light!” I wonder if that surprises you.

Your site is called ‘How to be a Buddha’ and you say you intend to follow the Buddha’s teachings to see what happens. If you then backpedal and say “Well, actually I’m following general spiritual teachings”, I feel a bit cheated as a reader. I think your project might meet with more success if you’re clearer about what you’re doing, and whose teachings you are following.

I hope your break does you good, and wish you all the best with your blog/project.

Respectfully,

Will